They do not understand the reason for your separation. Before such a serious conversation, you will need to find out how stable the child's psychological state is.
Parents, who understand the full responsibility, need to think first of all about their children, about their welfare, but at the same time do not forget that they also have the right to happiness. Parents who are divorced will still have to communicate with each other in order to know what is happening with their child. And it doesn't matter who the child stays with (mom or dad). Together they are responsible for raising the child, even if they are divorced.
You can, coming from the street or shop, start a conversation with your child in the form of a fairy tale or a game: There was one family in the world (mom, dad and their son). He was as old as you are now. And now mom (dad) says that she wants to tell one important news for him. And ask him to express his thoughts about what they want to say to him. Just listen to him carefully.
- The child may assume that you are going to travel abroad or visiting. That a big pleasant surprise awaits him, which he is waiting for. If so, then his soul is calm and there is no reason for concern, you can safely start a conversation with him.
- If your child thinks that someone close to him has died or is seriously ill, then you need to think about it. Then do not rush to announce your decision. It is necessary to wait a little so as not to harm and not cause psychological trauma to the child. The child's soul is too vulnerable.
When you see that the child is ready for such a conversation, then you should not postpone the conversation indefinitely, because if the child lives in ignorance, it is even worse. Just be sure to say in a conversation that you broke up with your dad not because of him.
If the baby has not yet reached the age of three, then you can simply tell him that you and dad will not live together. That dad will now live separately from you.
If the child is over 6 years old, then you will have a more difficult conversation. And it is important to know how to explain to the child that the mother will live with another person without injuring him.
You will need to tell the child that you and dad are breaking up for one reason or another. That it often happens in life that people have to leave, but this does not mean that the child is not loved by the parents. Try to keep this conversation in a calm atmosphere and there are no strangers with you. Explain to your child that they will go somewhere with their dad as well as before, but that he will not live with them. That dad will always help in any difficult situation. There is no need to turn the child against the father and say all sorts of nasty things about him. That everything will remain the same as it is now, only the fact that you will live separately will change. And the hardest thing is to tell the child that another person will now live with you and with him.
A child can be wary of your chosen one. It is possible that the child can oppose in every possible way that another person appears in your life. Children over seven years of age respond very well to their mother's condition. If you are calm, then the child will feel calm. In any case, the child should feel that he is protected.
Before you are going to bring a new chosen one, you do not need to ask the child whether it is possible for you to have “this uncle”. After all, with this question you shift all the responsibility to the child. In no case should this be done. Acquaintance should happen only when your relationship is already so serious and there is complete confidence that you want to link your future destiny with this person. You should not introduce the new chosen one to the child as his new dad. After all, he already has his own dad. He can make friends with him and become a good friend to him. Your child may want to be something like him in the future. But don't expect this right away, because for a child he is a completely stranger. And he will have a difficult task to get used to a stranger completely. Therefore, if the child has a negative reaction to the fact that another person will live with his mother, treat with understanding. The person with whom you want to start living must find an approach to your child. Try to become a good friend to him so that the child can trust him. Then you will not have problems in later life. But he must understand perfectly well that he cannot replace his own father. Sometimes a child may try to reconcile mom and dad, because he would so much like mom and dad to be together. And you must remember that you have a full right to privacy and happiness.
To make your child feel loved, give him more attention. Hug him, kiss him and tell him that you love him. Always try to tell your child the truth so that he knows that you trust him. Then in the future it will be easy for you to come to a solution to any problems and find a quick and correct solution in any situation. If the child is more than 10 years old, try to communicate with him on equal terms, so he will understand you better in certain situations.
If you decide to remarry, you must protect your child whenever there is a reason. This will help your child know that they are protected. After all, you are now a more significant person for him than a stranger.
Hello! Tell us about yourself. I'm a girl, two weeks later, 17 years old. I study in the 11th grade, I try, I enter a serious university. I don't smoke or drink. So that's it. I grew up without a father. The only child of the family. For my mother, I was and is everything. We are with her best friends... I am very attached to my mother, although not excessively. She did everything she could for me, sacrificed a lot. And his personal life too. She used to have boyfriends, but I don't remember much since then. Now, about 6 months, she has a man again. He doesn't live with us, but he happens very often. I think you get the idea, I'm very jealous. At first I got hysterical. Now it's better, I endure. But inside, everything is still tearing apart, as if an explosion or a flame. Awful feeling. I start to act like 3 summer child, naughty and mischievous. Then, of course, I am ashamed. But I can't help it. I feel so bad about my emotions. I wish my mom happiness, but I hate him. He takes my mom away from me. Yes, I'm 17. Yes, I'm selfish and possessive. But I'm working on myself. I try to behave like a person. It seems like it turns out if you try, but my soul is so nasty, so bad. I don't want to share my mom with anything, even if he is not bad. I know he's better with him, but he tears to pieces when he's with mom. When he leaves, everything returns to normal. What should I do?
Rate:
Lara, age: 02/05/2014
Feedback:Lara, think about what it would be like for you to be alone, without a boyfriend, all your life. Do you want this for mom?
Try to be happy for your mother, think - maybe soon you will leave, and you will leave forever, you will have something, God forbid, a husband, and what kind of old age will your mother have? lonely? Who will stay with mom? You will already be with your husband, and mom with whom?
The one who loves does not love for himself, but for the person he loves. Take care of your mom, let her be happy.
Alexander, age: 02/08/2014
I just get used to thinking. You are already an adult and must understand that your mother should not take care of you forever. She also wants her own happiness. Or do you want her to be alone for the rest of her life?
Maybe now she has the last chance. You don't know what's next. So be patient and try not to interfere. The main thing is that your father does not offend you, the rest can be tolerated.
You're lucky, girls need a mom more. Boys need a dad more, so I grew up without him. And I'm still a complete insignificance and it infuriates me every day. While I teach myself and learn, a lot of time will pass. Do something. : go to school, take a walk with friends, stay at home less.
Pavel, age: 02/08/2014
You are doing everything in the right direction, i.e. you understand in general that it is not right to be jealous, that since you and your mother are best friends, then as her friend you should do what is good for her, otherwise it is not friendship, otherwise you will turn into an enemy for your mother, i.e. ... you will be the person who destroys her happiness, even though she will not consider you an enemy, you will be. Of course, this will not make your soul feel good (because she did so much good for you, and you told her ..) and it’s very good that you understand that it’s because of these emotions that you feel bad and not because your mother has a man. The fact that emotions bother you and how to get rid of them.
Think about this, if mom was so kind to you all her life and you were everything for her, and she sacrificed a lot for you, her happiness, then what should be the correct answer to the kindness of another person, especially one as close as mom ? thanks. And if you received so many good things and you are not grateful and are guided only by attachment and selfishness, then how will it be? then all her kindness was in vain, then why did she do all this for you if because of this (due to the fact that you misunderstood and attached instead of evaluating her kindness as her kindness, and not as just something, which is good for you) her kindness, due to your misunderstanding, will return to her not with benefit but harm. It shouldn't be like that. Kindness must have a kind response. Your mom is definitely yours best friend, you also need to be her friend, if possible and the best, i.e. the person who appreciates her efforts and wishes her happiness. Then your relationship with Mom will be even stronger and you will not lose anything if you support her, if you help her happiness. How can you lose on such a solid basis? In reality, attachment does not bring us closer to each other, because this is a selfish feeling. If attachment made you closer (that is, the connection would become stronger), then you would not be jealous right now ..
It is warm good feelings, gratitude, respect, friendship that make us closer to us, some affection is good, but small, but strong dependence - it destroys the happiness of the closest person, this is against your whole nature, tk. you are a good person, and it is clear from your letter that such emotions are unacceptable for you .. then why do you follow them and agree with them? from now on, try not to interfere with your mother in her meetings with that man, on the contrary, help her in this, become her real friend and a good daughter, this will bring you very close to her, you will not lose anything, but inside you will feel great relief and that everything is correct. In addition, you can install a good relationship with this person, perhaps your future stepfather, it is very valuable, you will be a family and you will be able to live somewhere to walk, not to live badly, no one will poison anyone's life, so to speak - this is more happiness for you. Just rejoice in everything that is good for your mother - think that finally something good has happened in her life.
Well, in general, do not be selfish, after all, you yourself can see that it is not only very completely unfair and not right to be jealous here, but there is simply nothing for it. you don't lose anything. just a little external conditions change, and you need to behave correctly in new ones, so then it will be all your life.
In general, for example, I am very glad that you have such problems about which you wrote))) believe me that these are small problems) you have a good relationship with your mother - this is very precious. Not everyone has them. You feel like a good person too. Not everyone is so lucky to have such positive moments in life. It's just a pity that there is no father.
If your mom's chosen one is a good person, then you should think that this is also lucky, because if he was bad, what then? Fearfully.
And there is also such a moment that actions, like the attitude from which they originate, then tend to return. If he is a good person, and because of some wrong actions of yours, something will not work out with your mother, you will become the reason for this, then, because mom is the most significant, closest and most important person to you, then what power will it have and that if it comes back to you later as an answer to your mistake, it may well come back quickly and then maybe you just won't find a boyfriend and you will be alone for a long time, and you yourself will be in the place of your mother, do you want such a fate for yourself? And for her?
All the best to you !!
Sergey, age: 33 / 03/27/2014
The same situation, only I'm 12. My mother recently had a boyfriend from work, he pisses me off! I just hate him! Mom never gave a damn about me. Now even more so
after all, every day they either watch movies and kiss in the room, or go to different clubs and gyms. I'm terribly jealous! After all, my mother doesn't care about me at all, she thinks
just about this guy. I don't know what to do anymore.
Autistic, age: 01/16/2016
You know, I have the same situation, I used to want to ignore my mother's man. But I understand that it is hard for her now and I put up with it.
Eva, age: 13 / 15.04.2017
I have the same situation. I am 12 and my mother has a boyfriend (recently appeared). I am also very jealous. She meets him every day at night and comes home at 3 a.m. But my mother works on the ambulance every other day (sometimes
weekends) and works all night. It is very difficult for her to come home after work, and she does not care before work she meets him or not. I also feel sorry for her. Yes, I also understand everything, she needs a man, because I will soon
I’ll grow up and leave her. On the one hand I understand everything, but on the other I am jealous. She meets with him EVERY DAY. She used to have one boyfriend, but they met with him once a month. Mom still tells me and my grandmother that he intends
to arrange a serious relationship! Mom says that he is just her friend, but I know that they kissed. I'm writing this right now and crying, honestly. I'm sad. Well, I still have friends and grandmother, they are always with me. So
that you are not sad either.
The tenderness and purity of the first dates and the first day of life together do not always last for many years. Frequent problems and unwillingness to compromise destroy very fragile human and family relationships. Sometimes you shouldn't glue the “broken cup”: it is better to disperse on time without unnecessary reproaches and scandals. This is doubly important if there is a child in the family who needs loving mom and dad, and not parents who are constantly sorting out the relationship. The kid should not feel unloved, unnecessary, and even more guilty of the parents' divorce (such cases are far from uncommon).
As a rule, after recovering from their experiences after a divorce, many mothers strive to find new family happiness: a woman needs male support, and a child needs a caring and strong dad. Do not be tormented by remorse about this situation. You can imagine her in an advantageous position for a child. He will now have a reliable comrade and protector, a kind and just father. And if the own father takes part in raising the child, then the growing child will have two dads, twice as many men who love him and take care of him.
In this situation, the mother has an important mission: to help the child accept her new husband and her new dad, to help build relationships with a person who will take care of the baby for many years. At the same time, it is necessary not to lose the connecting threads with your own father. And therefore, most often it is the mother who guides both men on the right path, it is she who sets the rules of behavior for her men, helping her child to maintain peace of mind.
The most important thing that all participants in the "adult triangle" must remember is that a child is not an instrument of revenge for an uncomplicated family life... A child loves everyone, and if someone constantly speaks badly about their "rivals", he will feel guilty for his love. After all, divorce is your adult problem, the child should not solve it. Try to create a harmonious relationship between all the people close to you, regardless of the reason for the breakup. There are no unsolvable situations.
Do not try to limit the child's communication with his own father. There is always mutual understanding and mutual attraction between relatives. Talk with ex-husband that his meetings with the child (for his own good) should be positive. No sentimental conversations, only favorite entertainment and informative conversations.
The new husband must understand that the baby loves and remembers his own father. And expensive gifts cannot buy his love. It is better to talk more often about your child's hobbies, features of his character, mood, etc. When a child accepts a new mother's man as a friend, then, probably, he will want to see him as his father. And this must be done before the man moves with his things to a new family.
The new dad should become an example of a strong and wise mentor for a boy, a noble and caring man, a future chosen one for a girl. Let him take the boy to the sports sections, work out together on the horizontal bar in the yard, and compliment the girl, express his judgments about the new outfit. Be sure to get out all together to the park, out of town, on trips. Simulate situations where mutual assistance is required. The joint solution of difficult issues is very close and conducive to the establishment of friendly relations.
Neither mom nor new dad needs to insist that the child call him dad. The opposite result can be achieved. The time will come when the baby himself will understand that he is really loved very much and will make such a decision.
Helps women with children take the first step towards new happiness - going on a date. And with those whom the children themselves chose. What should you do in life? After all, the comfort of the child is the main thing for the mother, but not always everything develops so that both the mother and her new companion and the children are satisfied with the changes in the family structure.
How to correctly introduce a man into the house, introduce him to the children and create comfort anew? Is it worth listening to the child's opinion completely, or is it impossible to indulge his whims? How to make sure that the appearance of a man does not affect the psyche of the child in the future, and the new partner finds a wonderful one with them mutual language? Moms have a lot of questions. A specialist comments on the situation.
Julia Vasilkina, psychologist, sociologist, author of books for parents
“Divorce is an ordeal for both spouses and their children. But then time passed, emotions subsided, and there was a desire to find new love... Relationships begin to develop, thoughts appear about the possibility of a new "happiness in personal life", when suddenly an obstacle arises: mothers have to face opposition from their children.
Everyone suffers: the woman, her new partner, and the children themselves. Moms regularly turn to psychologists with questions: why is this happening and what to do in this difficult situation for everyone. Are boys and girls behaving differently? Of course, there are certain features.
Boys 11-14 years old are very attached to their mother after divorce, and the appearance of a new partner is perceived with hostility. Boys have a higher level of aggressiveness, and the surge in the production of the main male hormone testosterone at the age of 11-13 (800 times the rate of infancy) makes them even more conflicted.
They start to feel like "real men" and competition comes to the fore. That is why boys accept new partners from their mothers so hard: they see them as competitors.
Boys also tend to solve any problems in a way of escape. from them. Therefore, cigarettes and drugs appear in the family of a new man, disappearing from morning to evening (or even until morning) on \u200b\u200bthe street. However, in adolescence, boys (like girls) come to a period when they need an adult mentor friend of the same sex, but not a parent. And if the mother's new partner manages to win the boy's trust, they can become true friends.
Girls are by nature much more adaptable., are caring, they feel the nuances more subtly, are focused on harmonizing relationships. This leaves less room for contention. They tend to adapt to whatever situation they find themselves in, rather than reacting with flight like boys. Therefore, even if the daughter expresses negativism towards the mother's new partner, it is easier to agree with her than with the boy. Girls are also characterized by the fear of a "stranger" man, especially in adolescence.
However, these are only general trends. In each specific case, it can be completely different: an aggressive dominant girl is able to "run away" into alcohol, drugs, start to study badly in order to draw her mother's attention from the gentleman to herself. There are also sensitive anxious boys going into illness.
Both boys and girls can be spoiled and be the “navel of the family”, and there is no gender difference. Parents use both boys and girls as a buffer, trying to "win over" to their side after divorce. Mothers "take revenge" on their husbands by not allowing them to meet with their children, regardless of the gender of the children. And the children, in turn, can take revenge by not accepting the new partner of the mother. "
Joint activities bring absolutely everyone closer together. If they are interesting to children, it is unlikely that there will be tension in the relationship. Photo: thinkstockphotos.com
Dating rules
“We've all heard about the importance of first impressions. As the saying goes, the first impression can only be made once. Therefore, it is important to properly introduce the child to the new partner. How to do it?
1. Tell your child ahead of time that you want to get married. Explain the benefits of being married. Answer all the child's questions.
2. If you meet a decent person, talk about it with your child. Tell us what is interesting about this person, how he attracted you. Tell this not to "ask permission" for the child to continue the relationship, but to inform.
3. If your relationship develops, then periodically tell your child about this person. And tell the man more about your child too: let him know how important this little man is and
4. If you decide to introduce a new partner and your child, then according to your stories they will already know each other in absentia. You can predict the child's possible reaction. If the child is negative, postpone the acquaintance for now.
5. Let the person who comes to the house bring the child a gift, but not too expensive. It is better if the gift is in the interests of the child. If you talked to your partner about the child's interests, they will have something to talk about.
6. After the introduction, discuss with the child how it went. Answer all questions. If the reaction was negative, do not rush to scold and reproach. Think about what this might be the case.
Many women hesitate to enter into a new marriage (and even a relationship), "protecting" the child. But remember that such a closed system as "mother-child" is rather bad for his development. In such a system, the child often plays a non-childish role.
A boy, for example, can be given the role of a grown man, and when the time comes for him to build his family, this can reflect badly on the relationship with the mother, who will consider herself "devoted." The girl may also have difficulties entering into a relationship, because she remains the only close person for mom. And let such a person go adult life, oh, how difficult!
Therefore, boldly look around, and perhaps you will see. If you are honest with your child, appreciate and love him, but do not forget about yourself, your family will be able to find harmony. And if problems arise, there are psychologists, right? Good luck! "
In order not to panic, it is worth taking advantage of someone else's positive experience. What can a stepfather give a child? Watching the stories of the stars!
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Dream interpretation - Husband, man
For a woman to see in a dream that her husband, lover or close friend has married is a prediction that parting and loneliness will soon await her.
If you dream that you are looking for your husband, but he is not, or you call him, and he turned his back on you and does not respond, or that he left you, then your relationship is ruined. Mutual understanding and tender affection have been lost between you. And if it is difficult for you, then your husband will not support you.
Seeing him in a dream painfully pale, unlike himself, means that you are in for trouble, because of which you will lose peace and sleep.
Seeing your husband beautiful (no frills) and pleasant in a dream is a sign of joy and pleasant troubles.
The dream in which you saw that your husband is infatuated with another lady tells you that you should pay more attention to him in order to make your life together more attractive and interesting, since your husband is currently dissatisfied with his life with you.
Fighting and swearing, fighting with him in a dream is a dream on the contrary, which portends joyful events and peace in the house.
To see your husband killed in a dream means that you yourself can create a situation in the family, followed by a divorce.
For a man to do women's work in a dream is a sign of trouble, losses, stagnation in business.
Sometimes such a dream predicts death by accident for the sleeper. Seeing a man with a white beard in a dream means that you should take care of your health.
To see a dead man on the street in a dream is a sign that you can find a new source of enrichment. Sometimes such a dream means that your worries and troubles will end soon.
Seeing your husband dead in a dream is a sign of loss and great trouble.
To see many men in a dream is a sign that you will not find a place for yourself. If a woman dreams of a pleasant-looking young man and speaks to her, then soon she will face changes in her personal life. Memorize the words of this person and what he looks like. If your impression of him in a dream is pleasant, then there will be such changes. And vice versa.
To see a freak in a dream and to be frightened is a sign of anxiety, trouble and grief. Sometimes such a dream means that a loved one will betray or deceive you.
See the interpretation: beard, freak, stranger, dead.
Interpretation of dreams from
