Soul binding 11.08.2017
Dear readers, today we continue our soulful topic in the section led by Elena Khutornaya, writer, blogger, author of intuitive cards. This time we have a difficult topic - how to forget a person who was once so close, but with whom it is impossible to continue a relationship now.
Probably everyone is familiar with this state when you endlessly think about some person and cannot get him out of your head. This begins to affect the rest of our lives and create a lot of problems that make it difficult to lead a normal existence. How to get out of this state and find the strength to return to yourself and your life, Lena tells. I give her the floor.
There are often situations now when people break up and break off relationships for some reason. But sometimes it’s not enough to divorce and move away; it happens that we continue to think about a person, conduct an endless dialogue with him within ourselves, even when the relationship has formally ended long ago. What to do with it? How to forget your ex-husband and start a new life? Or maybe not a husband, but a person who was so close and dear, but who now cannot be a part of our lives?
And it’s really important to end the relationship not only externally, but also internally, because otherwise it will constantly prevent us from moving on, building new relationships, and being happy again. To do this, first of all, we must admit, realize that these relationships still continue for us, although this may be expressed in different ways.
Everything was fine, and it seems that it will not be so with others
This is a thought because of which people sometimes refuse to build new relationships, declare themselves monogamous, and say that the greatest love in their life has already happened and will never happen again. However, if we are still wondering how to forget our ex-husband, then this is most likely not our option, and it’s good that it is so, because whether we find new love depends only on our decision. Let's tell ourselves that the best has already happened to us, and so it will be, because in this way we will express our own unwillingness to strive for new happiness.
However, no matter how good we were with whom before, always remember that new relationships are always possible with another person, which will give no less, and perhaps, due to the experience gained, much more joy.
Here it is important to understand only one thing - do we really want to be happy again or do we like our suffering and? After all, it very often happens that we ourselves hold on to some bright image from the past, we remember how great it was there and - if we delve into ourselves and see everything as it is - in fact, we cannot even imagine forgetting about it. It is impossible to put an end to this, to turn away from it, to declare it in vain. Everything in my soul desperately resists depriving the bright halo of the best thing in life!
However, it is not for nothing that, along with cherishing the past in our souls, we feel discomfort - life goes on and demands its own, and therefore we constantly feel a lack of something important for ourselves, namely, real love and real relationships. This is where you have to understand for yourself what is more important: holding on to the past or starting to build a new life. And the price for this is not so high - you just need to leave behind everything that happened. How? More on this below.
Everything was bad and you want to prove what a scoundrel he is
With such an attitude, we seethe and are indignant inside, because it was because of him that everything turned out this way, he is to blame for everything, it was he who did or did not do something, behaved wrongly, said the wrong thing, did not love, didn’t understand, didn’t care, didn’t protect. Our internal dialogue is dedicated to proving it, showing it to him. We come up with more and more irrefutable arguments for how he was wrong, that this is impossible, that he is like this, and we are not like that, and any normal person would immediately see this, but not him, an insensitive, inhuman idiot.
When we think about him, we instantly get turned on and think about it all again and again, talk about it to our loved ones, relatives, and friends, without even noticing at such moments that in this way we ourselves are clinging to him even tighter, never wanting to let go. And why? Because we don't want to be happy, we want to be right. And an unwanted ex-husband is a great opportunity for this, which will always give you a reason to feel better and more right than him.
This can go on indefinitely, but if we still set out to forget our ex-husband, then we need to switch to something else.
The desire to prove that you are good
It's hard not to start feeling self-doubt when a relationship ends without our initiative. Let’s skip the acute stage of such experiences; it is clear that there is pain, despair, and awareness of one’s own worthlessness. But even when it passes, we sometimes constantly continue to return to thoughts about our ex, and even when we start a new relationship, it’s as if we look back at him every time - you see, I’m also worth something, I can be loved too!
That is, it turns out that everything we do in life, we do not for ourselves, but in order to prove something to someone. In such cases, it is necessary to change the emphasis. Shift the focus from him to ourselves, otherwise we risk living a life that is not our own, not for ourselves. To do this, you need to ask yourself: what do I like most? Who do I want to be with so that I feel good?
There are attractive qualities in our ex that we are sorry to let go
It also happens - it seems that a person is no longer so dear and valuable, and we understand that we can no longer have any relationship with him, but no, no, and again something begins to pull in our soul, we remember, we cling to There’s something you don’t even understand why.
And the point most often is that there are some attractive features in him that we lack in ourselves. Maybe self-confidence or success, or attractiveness, or some skills that we find rare in people and valuable and important to us.
In this case, you need to develop the missing qualities in yourself. Understand that it’s not about the ex-husband at all, but about our own aspirations, desires, dreams. But attempts to make up for what is missing through other people are not always successful, and then everything you need should be sought within yourself. And believe me, if you are looking for this, then you have it in you, so you should not overly idealize those around you.
How to forget your ex-husband
So, actually, our main question is how to forget your ex-husband? After all, you can talk a lot, but how to put it into practice?
First you really need to be determined and tune in to something new. And to do this, we don’t need to constantly think about what we want to get away from, but we need to think about what we want to get.
Think about what kind of new relationship you want, what kind of man should be next to you. Do you feel warmth and joy from his presence? If yes, then you are really ready for a new relationship, and now you just need to go in this direction. Let go of the past, stop thinking about how your ex was too bad or too good, and think about how things should be now.
It's like not eating candy while losing weight. They seem to be asking to be eaten, but no, we decided not to eat them. It’s the same with thoughts - as soon as you catch yourself thinking about them, just distract yourself with those things about your exes, don’t argue, don’t sort things out, don’t be nostalgic, but start thinking about something else, about the good things that await you ahead.
It is clear that you will still be drawn to fall back on the old, because it is both simpler and more familiar, but if you create in your imagination a picture of the future that will really attract and inspire you, then you will very quickly re-adjust to love and new relationships.
If you can’t think about good things, it means that nothing has really been resolved with your ex. This means that there is still a need to hold on to negative emotions, to suffer, to feel sorry for oneself, to mourn what is lost or gone. And we need to realize that this is also the result of our choice. Which, however, can be changed at any time if desired.
Value yourself
Finally, I’ll just repeat the main thing once again: relationships with exes don’t end only when we ourselves don’t let them end. But as soon as we are filled with the desire to live and love, we leave ourselves and them alone, we forgive and let go of everything that happened, then immediately everything in life changes for the better.
Value yourself. Just because at some point in life things didn't turn out the way we wanted, it doesn't mean we're not good for anything. Our value does not depend on anyone's opinion. And, of course, love yourself. And if you love yourself, others will love you too.
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Divorce can be not only a negative event, but also quite joyful and expected, but a small percentage of women think through their existence in advance after the end of such an important and long-term relationship. Many areas of life remain connected with the former spouse, are subject to certain rules and patterns, and when a person disappears from life, they actively require restructuring. Based on this fact, the question of how to forget your ex-husband and start a new life remains most relevant in the first post-divorce period.
Naturally, quickly forgetting an ex-husband is possible only for those who were not interested in this person even in marriage, but the main task of a woman comes down not to the speed of onset of amnesia, but to the very fact of not getting stuck in the transition from married to single status. The sooner you begin to change your life, despite the memories and possible regrets that remain, the sooner they will stop tormenting you. The worst option would be to sit and wait for his image to completely disappear, and until then limit your activity and realization.
To quickly forget your ex and rehabilitate yourself, you can turn to professionals, or you can take the first steps yourself - the choice of solution and appropriate methods depends solely on your current situation. If there were a lot of emotional traumas in the relationship, then it will be almost impossible to forget your ex-husband until they are fully worked through, but if you managed to part in a positive mood and as friends, then most likely the process of forgetting will take place organically and there will be no need to ask for help or search advice in articles.
Forgetting and letting go of a person, like forgiveness, are the final stages of the process of grieving and living with acute stress. By trying to get straight to the end without going through the more painful stages, a woman is only exposing herself to self-deception, which will eventually come up in the future and will likely harm the next relationship.
Trying to forget your ex-husband is not considered an adequate reaction if a lump appears in your throat at the mere mention of his name or plans for various types of revenge immediately come to mind.
The main task is to create a complete picture of your relationship, your feelings and experiences in it, as well as a logical assessment at this stage. Perhaps something that previously enraged you will now seem sweet and dear, and the previously pleasing moments will seem like subtle manipulation or deception. All these conscious memories are necessary to discharge the emotional sphere from accumulated tension and restraint, since the more emotions a person accumulates in himself, the more attached he becomes to a certain situation. The same technique works when it is not clear how to forget your ex-love - the fewer emotions accumulated, the faster the thoughts go away.
After getting rid of irrelevant emotions, it’s time to get rid of unnecessary reminders.
Carefully examine your surroundings and ability to build a life - how much of everything reminiscent of your ex-partner is around you and what can be removed from it.
In your apartment you need to hide joint photographs and interior items given to them; on the Internet, you need to at least temporarily hide his page from the news feed (for those who practically cannot vouch for their willpower, you can even block him), remove all dates associated with him from reminders and the calendar (from your anniversary to his mother’s birthday).
Take a closer look at the organization of your day, whether you continue to fry toast out of habit, although you prefer scrambled eggs for breakfast, whether you only go to those stores that he considered worthy - now is the time to realize your true desires and design your life, receiving pleasure, and as quickly as possible, because it is unknown how long it will last.
Another stage that is important specifically for a woman is the revision of her external image. Buy yourself a new scarf, if out of all the possible options there is only his gift, put away a dress that is not your style, but which your ex-spouse liked. Feel free to throw out the colors recommended by him and buy what you always wanted, but were holding yourself back. This applies to clothing style, as well as makeup, haircut, and general presentation of oneself. But the main thing is not the maximum transformation into the opposite image in an effort to show what beauty he has lost, but to find his individual external manifestation, without the influence of his taste and stereotypes.
After clearing the space of the influence of the ex and, accordingly, reminders of him, many empty spaces, free time and emerging questions appear. These problems definitely need to be filled, otherwise, out of habit, they will be filled again by the ex-spouse, only with thoughts about him. Now you should concentrate as much as possible on your interests and needs, develop a hobby or start new activities. The freedom that has emerged is not only about loneliness, but also about the unique opportunities that open up for the realization of one’s endeavors.
How to forget about feelings - what to do
Constant memories of a person poison life exclusively while feelings for him are alive or memories are present. Accordingly, it is necessary to erase from memory not the person himself (this is impossible to do without organic brain damage), but to forget about the feelings or hopes associated with them.
The first recommendation concerns reducing the importance of the problem, because the more we focus on one thought, the more it controls our consciousness. It is recommended to avoid thinking and searching for options on how to forget your ex-husband forever. As soon as you catch yourself in the habitual activity of thinking about ways to detach yourself, immediately find something to occupy your brain with - read a book, call friends, take on a new project, listen to music. Any options that help you take your mind off mindless brain chewing are suitable.
Working with feelings and detaching from them is directly related to the entire emotional sphere. Therefore, the main thing is not to close yourself off from any emotional shocks, but to fill your every day with a large number of pleasant and inspiring experiences.
Human life is measured not by time periods, but by how many emotions were received, which means that the more varied and rich you make each day, the faster your past love will move away from your experience.
While adding positive aspects, do not forget to limit the negative ones - sorting things out with your ex, trying to figure out who was more to blame and who owes what to whom - it is better to leave them in the past. 
The more of her own energy a woman invests even in such moments concerning justice, the more she ultimately loses, becoming emotionally exhausted. Of course, I want justice to prevail, but in the end it may turn out that material compensation for wasted nerves will cost a lot and be unnecessary.
There is an opinion that a new lover always speeds up the process of forgetting past feelings. This helps to instantly switch from strong depressive feelings to extremely positive new love. It is optimal to use holiday novels for this purpose, which remain there as a beautiful fairy tale without continuation. If such a relationship becomes more serious, then all the unprocessed traumas of past relationships will certainly emerge in this one, or it will turn out that there is a completely stranger, an unsuitable person nearby.
A guaranteed option is to gradually experience all the feelings that arise, sometimes accompanied by a psychotherapist, which will make this process less frustrating and faster. A more appropriate word in the context of such work with one’s feelings would not be forgetting, but letting go or living, when every day the sensations become paler and lose their emotional significance, turning into simple facts of the past.
How to forget your husband if you have children
When couples with a short life together break up, passions and pain subside over time, and then are completely forgotten when new love is found. In a situation where diverging spouses have children together, it is generally impossible to forget the ex-husband, because he remains the father of the children. In case of a joint and civilized separation, the woman will meet with him regularly at the child’s common holidays and on weekends. This may be with different frequencies (from nightly calls to meetings once a year), but the ex-spouse will still remind you of himself with visits and calls. Even if a man disappears and does not appear in the fate of this family, the child himself will remind him of him - with his appearance, similar habits and periodic questions about his father.
Initially, it is worth analyzing the situation, drawing conclusions about your contribution to what happened, and most importantly, finding the positive aspects. Having found your personal, even selfish pleasure, the fate of your ex-husband and feelings for him will no longer worry you so much.
The second point is a conversation with a child, where it is necessary to explain the current situation and the attitude of adults towards him without lying. Here you should speak as openly as possible, try to clarify all the questions and details. This will help to avoid constant questioning and, as a result, unnecessary reminders about the spouse from the child. When the baby initially understands the new rules and the fact that the parents’ feelings and attitude towards him personally remain the same, then unnecessary fantasies and painful questions will not be heard from him.
The ex-husband should be given a completely different rank, leaving him in life, but changing his influence on it, i.e. now he becomes not even an ex, but only the father of the child. If you call him that, then the circle of his power changes, for example, he cannot demand emotional involvement or lay claim to you as a woman, even an ex-woman. In addition, this position allows you to free yourself internally and look for opportunities to organize your personal life. Based on the new role, set appropriate boundaries, including his behavior and allowed influences (down to the time and frequency of calls, as well as wording).
If the reluctance to interact in any way with your ex-spouse is critically strong, then the issue of his meetings with the child can be resolved by excluding you from this process. For example, he might pick him up from school and then give him a ride home on certain days, or pick up the child from your sister. In this situation, minimizing contacts, of course, will help to abstract from the existence of this person, but it is worth understanding that his background presence will forever remain in life. 
One of the most stressful periods in a woman’s life is a breakup. Tears, sadness and depression are all inevitable accompaniments of many divorces. Women are not always ready to easily let go of the past, so they try to maintain even bad relationships, hoping that everything will work out. But one of women’s misconceptions is this: they believe that their loved one will change and become what they want him to be. Experience shows that this is unlikely to happen. Changing an adult is a thankless job. It is much more useful to think about how to forget your ex and start a new life. Nobody says it's easy, but it's not a good idea to constantly look back. New relationships are unlikely to work out well if you carry past “baggage” with you.
Such a step as separation is difficult for any woman. Even if the action was balanced and deliberate, mental balance is still disturbed. What can we say if the initiator of the breakup is a man.
If a woman continues to have feelings for her beloved, forgetting him seems an unrealistic task. But even in this case, life does not stand still, and it is more advisable to find out how to forget your former relationship than to continue to suffer.
The first days after a breakup are very difficult. A woman may be disturbed by disturbing dreams and sad thoughts; she begins to analyze the relationship from the very beginning and look for her mistakes. In the end, this leads to the fact that she takes all the blame for the breakup on herself and believes in her own uselessness and insignificance. This position prevents you from living fully, achieving your goals and enjoying success. If you let the situation take its course and give up, then prolonged depression is guaranteed. Therefore, you need to look for a way out of the situation. And then a completely logical question arises: “How to forget your ex-man?” The reluctance to let go of a person can be due to a number of reasons, and the problem will be solved only after the woman deals with her internal dilemmas. And for this you need not to lie to yourself and face the truth.
Why is it so hard to let go?
Probably every woman will agree that she is visited by thoughts about the past and sometimes there is a desire to return everything. This is especially acute if the initiator of the divorce was a man. This is due to the fact that some stereotypes are still alive: a divorced woman is considered “abandoned,” “divorced,” which does not have the best effect on her self-esteem. Complexes and self-doubt give rise to many fears. The conviction that it is difficult to live alone is not the best thought for starting a new round. It's time to change your attitude towards the situation!
On a subconscious level, we always return to the events of the past; it is so difficult for us to say goodbye to them. But freedom is impossible without full acceptance of the present. Women invest a part of themselves in relationships, so it is difficult for them to figure out how to forget their ex-husband forever. Psychologists advise pouring out your thoughts and feelings on paper, writing everything down. There is no need to analyze, you just need to “talk it out.” By re-reading the notes, you can look at the situation from the outside and re-evaluate your behavior.
Recognize the problem
The first step to success and a new life is recognizing the problem. Although this is sometimes very difficult to do, the results are worth it. There is no need to cling to the past, you need to learn to live in the present. You should stop looking for meetings with your loved one, find a reason to call and try to please him. It will become clear to a woman how to quickly forget her ex-boyfriend if she stops living with him. To achieve inner harmony, you need to understand that the light did not converge like a wedge on just one person. There are many other joys and emotions that are not associated with your ex.
Straight Talk
It is very important for someone to speak out, open their soul, cry into their vest, if you want. But not all people can be open and sincere. If you don’t want to share your experiences with your friends, you can use the services of specialists. As a last resort, it is worth throwing out emotions on paper. You can’t keep negativity to yourself; it will accumulate and put pressure on a woman, preventing her from becoming happy. In this case, it will be very difficult to understand how to forget your ex-friend.
Forward, for new impressions!
If a woman lives in memories, then she simply does not notice all the joys of life today. All events pass by and do not evoke emotions. She is not interested in anything except how to forget her former love. But it doesn’t go further than thoughts, since fear is much stronger. We need to act! How? Firstly, it will be useful to make new acquaintances, look for interests, hobbies and concentrate all your attention on today. Creativity gives you the opportunity to throw out negativity and believe in yourself. It is better to spend your free time in theaters, at concerts or in cafes with friends. There are a huge variety of ways to diversify your leisure time; all you have to do is use your imagination and remember your own desires.
To understand how to forget your ex, you should first try to become an independent person. There are positive sides to every situation, you just need to consider them. And then new opportunities will “float” right into your hands.
Getting rid of reminders
Sometimes representatives of the fair half of humanity keep various “greetings” from the past, justifying themselves by saying that the emotional wound is still fresh. But, despite the nostalgia, it’s still worth putting things in order in your home and soul. You need to get rid of all the little things that are associated with your ex-boyfriend. This step will be the first on the road to recovery.
The past is in the past!
In any business, a positive attitude is important. This also applies to the issue we are considering. How to forget your former loved one if your heart is torn to pieces and your soul aches with every memory? Often the emotional stress is much stronger than the physical one. The more a woman thinks about past relationships, the more she worries and stresses herself out. The psychology of the victim destroys a woman’s life and attracts the “wrong” partners to her. We need to look to the future and give the men around us a chance to prove that they are worthy candidates for husbands. All mistakes of the past must be perceived as experience.
Now is the right time for change. You can go on a diet, quit smoking or change your appearance. Most often, such changes have a positive effect on self-esteem and mood. You can make a list of what needs to be done in the future and systematically move towards the goal.
Forgive and say goodbye
An important step on the path to forgetting your ex is forgiveness. Whatever relationship remains after a breakup, you need to try to maintain mental and emotional balance. Pain and resentment are feelings so strong that sometimes women completely submit to them. They say nasty things about their ex-loved one, make troubles and sort things out. There is no need to do this. If there is a chance to return the past, then such actions will significantly reduce it. And in the case where the decision is final and irrevocable, and divorce is inevitable, these measures simply do not make sense.
Men do not tolerate all sorts of showdowns and shouting very well, so they definitely will not like this behavior. In addition, by insulting a former boyfriend in public, a woman belittles her own dignity, since she herself lived with such a man. It is best to forgive and let go, as memories only increase stress.
Hello, new life!
So, how to quickly forget your ex? You need to start by deleting all contacts: erase your phone number, unfriend or change your email. Naturally, this option is not suitable for those couples who have children together. But you shouldn’t give in to the fear of being alone and “throwing yourself into the pool headlong.” New relationships should bring happiness and joy. Freed from the burden of the past, a woman will feel the desire to love and give her love.
Stop analyzing the gap
To get rid of internal discomfort, you need to stop thinking about pleasant moments together and analyze the reasons for the breakup. Of course, memories are inevitable, but try to learn to manage them. A woman must accept the fact that they are in the past and therefore no longer significant. It's just a part of life that is far behind us. Now it’s time to concentrate on today and tomorrow.
There is no need to constantly remember how the guy looked after him and what feats he was capable of. Such thoughts will only bring bitterness and disappointment.
Communication with nice people
It is easier to start a new life surrounded by people who can support and encourage you with a kind word. Such care is very important in times of despair and loneliness. The love of loved ones inspires and gives strength, do not be shy to ask for help.
There is no need to rack your brains over why this happened and who is to blame for the breakup. This will not help you get your loved one back and become happy again. Psychologists advise setting aside a certain time for suffering and reflection, learning from the experience and not returning to these thoughts again.
Negative qualities
If a woman wants to know how to forget her ex, the following advice will be useful to her. On a piece of paper you need to write down the negative qualities of a man. When the desire arises to call or meet with your ex, you can re-read the list. This will help you stop idealizing him, as often happens after a divorce. It is better to keep the piece of paper in an accessible place so that you can re-read it when necessary.
A woman must prepare herself for the fact that sometimes she will really miss her loved one. In such a mood, it seems that time has stopped and life no longer makes sense. It is very important not to give in to sad emotions and believe that good things are yet to come. One person cannot replace the whole world, you just need to open your eyes and look around.
What to do after a divorce?
When a man leaves, a woman feels empty. To get rid of it, you need to do something. This could be fitness, aerobics, dancing or various training courses. SPA treatments and beauty salons are very relaxing. In addition, taking care of yourself helps you feel confident, and the reflection in the mirror begins to please you. You can pamper yourself with new clothes and stylish accessories.
It often happens that after a divorce, a woman achieves success and conquers new heights. This is due to the fact that all unspent energy goes into work. Movement up the career ladder occurs at a tremendous pace. Slowly the depression lifts, and thoughts of my ex-husband go away forever.
Getting rid of heartache
The intense pain we experience after a breakup makes us want to hide from everyone. To solve the problem, you need to stop perceiving divorce as grief. Rather, it is a chance to start life over with a new leaf and meet true love.
If communication with your ex-husband cannot be stopped, it is better to conduct meetings in a business format. This measure will help maintain your own dignity.
Regardless of the reason for the separation, experts can give the following recommendations:
- You shouldn’t constantly think about how to forget your ex-husband forever. Someday it will happen by itself. Now you need to live and enjoy every day.
- Forget about possible reconciliation. If a decision has been made to break up, the relationship is unlikely to improve.
- Don't be interested in your ex's life. The desire to know all the details is understandable, since before this man was part of the woman, but now everything has changed. This is a stranger, and he must live his own life.
- Assess the situation soberly. This is the key point in finding the answer to the question “how to quickly forget your ex-boyfriend.” Illusions will only delay the healing process. You need to give the man all his things so that the effect of presence is not misleading. The feeling of an unfinished novel will bring negativity and worries.
- Watching movies and reading books help you take your mind off things. You can stick to sentimental themes to vent your tears. After such therapy, the woman will probably feel better.
After some time, the pain will subside, life will sparkle with new colors, and it will become clear how to forget your ex forever. When going through a divorce, you need to concentrate only on a bright future and enjoy today.
It won't be easy to do this. Between parting and a new life there is an unknown abyss. At one moment, a chaos of emotions is formed in the human soul: hatred, pain, shame, love, anger, fear of the future. When the usual life is destroyed, a person has nothing to cover himself with, he seems to be naked. Therefore, there is a desire to return everything back - that is, to find shelter, even if it is shaky and uncomfortable.
The situation is aggravated by fears and doubts associated with the outside world: how to live further after separation, how to explain to children why dad is leaving, how to provide for them and yourself, and, finally, how to explain to family and friends the reasons for what happened?
The most difficult case is when a girl gets married too early and does not have time to understand what it means to be responsible for making decisions. Before marriage it was the concern of the parents, after it was the concern of the spouse. Having received freedom, she does not know what to do with it. The situation is changing dramatically, you need to build a new life, pave the way on your own. If a girl, while married, did not work anywhere, now she will have to start from scratch. Often panic sets in because of impending poverty.
After many years of marriage, many couples feel like one. When parting, a woman defines her state with the phrase: “as if she had lost her hand” or “an empty place has formed in her heart.” Psychologists call this phenomenon fusion. To restore integrity, the weaker half of the couple needs to psychologically separate themselves from their spouse, family, and even child. This process is very painful, because it forces you to reshape your usual ideas about yourself.
Parting is a sad event, but there is life after breaking up with your husband. This is worth remembering when going through the circles of hell. During periods of decline in emotions, tell yourself that this is a serious but completely curable disease. It will be a long and difficult recovery, you will experience exacerbations and remissions, but in the end you will be able to recover.
How to survive a divorce from your beloved husband. To survive pain, you need to live it. Psychologists say that any stressful event associated with loss - the departure of a loved one, death, loss of a job - is experienced in almost the same scenarios. There are several stages in how a person experiences loss. The most important task is to go through each of them sequentially. You cannot jump or get stuck on any part of the path. Just as you shouldn’t set the task of forgetting a person faster and pushing yourself.
How long the experience lasts depends on the individual. It is impossible to predict the exact timing. Sometimes one of the stages is experienced easily, but the other is too difficult. It also matters how much a person succumbs to shocks in everyday life. If the psyche is hypersensitive, then it will take longer to walk. On average, completing all stages will take about a year and you need to be prepared for this from the beginning.
Psychology identifies several scientifically based concepts of experience. They have many common characteristics. Therefore, they can be safely combined into five stages. Let's take a closer look.
From shock to offense
How to live after a divorce from your husband. The first emotion is shock. Do you remember what it felt like to have a severe burn? Nothing at first. Only after a few seconds does severe pain occur. The same thing happens in this situation. Consciousness first defends itself - it doesn’t believe, it denies. You still live in the familiar illusory world that no longer exists.
The leading emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of loss. Psychologists say that during this period it is necessary to find resources that will help overcome it. The unobtrusive and tactful help of loved ones will be very useful here. However, the best medicine is self-support, taking care of yourself.
There are very simple exercises with which you can find the source of strength within yourself to gradually experience this emotion. When asked: how did you survive the breakup, many women answer that one of the good ways is to write down: “My life without my husband.” A forum on the Internet where you can pour out your pain can also be a consolation.
The second, no less painful period is anger and resentment. It comes if at the last step you found the right resources and lived through the shock and denial to the fullest. The essence of the current state of health is trying to change what happened. When a person is angry, he strives for active action. Here the action manifests itself in the search for the culprit. If the breakup occurred due to the betrayal of a spouse, then he, the mistress, and the victim herself will serve as the object. At this stage, there is a danger of getting “stuck,” because experiencing the betrayal of your husband and separation at the same time is too much emotional stress. In addition, our culture is distinguished by the presence of an unspoken ban on anger - good girls do not get angry.
To move forward, it is important to recognize your anger and learn how to express it correctly. Of course, the point is not to use your fists. While a woman is in a state of passion, it is better not to do anything at all. Wait for the peak to subside, and then begin to free yourself from negativity. You can scream, break glasses, cry, tell yourself about your feelings. Involve your loved ones - mother, friend, tell them about what happened.
Again, use a pen and a piece of paper - describe the negative emotions, what doesn’t suit you, why you’re angry and at whom exactly. Experts advise doing this exercise when people turn to them for help with the question: how can it be easier to survive a breakup with a loved one.
How to cope with a divorce from your loved one: guilt, depression, acceptance
The third stage is called the compromise or guilt stage. A woman is desperately looking for mistakes in the hope of correcting them and ending up in her old life. Right now, ladies are taking any methods to bring their spouse home: they humiliate themselves, blame themselves, make promises to improve.
How to calm down after a divorce and not make a mess at this stage? You need to prevent yourself from falling into self-flagellation - learn to separate the concept of responsibility from the concept of guilt. The first concept is acceptance and correction of mistakes, the second is self-punishment. Guilt is a dangerous thing. It can lead a “lost” woman into a religion (sect) or push her under someone else’s, more negative influence. Watch your actions, control yourself.
- What caused dissatisfaction in your behavior?
- How can I fix the error?
- How to come to terms with a mistake (if it is impossible to correct)?
- Write that you forgive yourself.
- Draw conclusions on how to move on after a divorce from your spouse and avoid mistakes in a new relationship.
Guilt is followed by depression. This is the peak of suffering. Here the awareness of the loss ends, and the need arises to separate oneself emotionally from the former life partner. Depression usually ends with resignation to the fact that we will no longer be together and “letting go” of a loved one.
To free yourself from getting stuck in this period, you need to make a list of the benefits of your ex-marriage. Then you can write a letter of gratitude addressed to your loved one. To give thanks means to slowly let go.
The next phase - acceptance - is characterized by insight. The picture becomes clearer, it becomes clear how to recover after a divorce, where to draw resources for personal growth. The understanding comes that life is not over, perhaps it is just beginning. Parting opens up new opportunities for personal development and maturation. All these signs indicate that the experience of grief has ended.
Of course, the wound from the loss will still bleed, but the person already has the strength to turn it into a symbol of victory and be proud of his perseverance and invaluable experience.
A woman who got married early learns to be responsible, make decisions and enjoy it. New hope appears, and over time, the need for new love.
However, there is a catch here too - after a painful search for the answer: how to forget your husband after a divorce, the girl feels that she is finally comfortable and sometimes does not want to leave this phase. Staying here forever, she will only wish for love and a new life, but will not move on to searching for happiness in real life.
What not to do
How to start living after a divorce from your loved one? Being in such a situation, a woman does not control her actions and often clutches at any straw just to return to her usual comfort zone. Delving deeper into the topic: how to survive a divorce from your husband, the psychologist’s advice is based on what, first of all, you shouldn’t do, what you need to keep yourself from.
- Don't try to bring back someone who has left. Even if he returns, it will most likely be out of pity or habit. In attempts to win back their spouses, ladies often humiliate themselves, which makes things even worse for themselves. Give up the idea of sharing your pain with him in the hope that he will love you again. There is also no need to return it through manipulation. For example, put pressure on the fact that you are left alone with the child or refer to an imaginary illness. When talking about children, you forget that your child’s psyche is just developing, and it’s dangerous to play with it. And by talking about your illness, you can incur real health problems. In your condition it is not difficult.
- Don't rush into a new pool of feelings. Due to the breakup (especially if the reason is a mistress), the wife feels inferior. Sometimes the first priority is the desire to prove to your spouse, as well as to yourself, that you are needed and attractive. As a result, the lady gets carried away by casual relationships, after which she feels dirty and deceived. Or another option - the girl is striving for a new serious relationship. For what? To correct the mistakes that were in the previous marriage. In reality, it happens differently - a person who has not yet realized and is not yet strengthened drags the old model of relationships into a new life with another person. With it, grievances, unresolved conflicts and other “joys” migrate. According to experts, a serious relationship can be started no earlier than a year after breaking up with your ex.
- Don't suppress negative feelings. Often, after separating from a husband, changes occur to him. He may become more rude and indifferent. And the reason for this is female behavior. The former passion, hoping for the return of her beloved, does not allow herself negative emotions in his presence, tries to be flexible and good. The spouse, without even thinking about returning, begins to use this for his own purposes. Then claims to property, moral bullying, or even refusal to help children financially arise.
- Do not drag your offspring into conflicts. When a woman says: “You have no idea what I went through!”, she often does not know that her child has gone through twice as much. And all because kids tend to blame themselves for the separation of mom and dad. These are the features of their psychology. Besides, when parents separate, they have no time for children's troubles. And this is very wrong. Now the baby needs to feel needed, and not abandoned. And yes, don’t make your child a vest for tears. Thus, you load him with part of your responsibility, which will burden the little man. Do not manipulate or blackmail your spouse with his help. The way parents behave with each other lays the foundation in a small head for an example of future relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, refrain from insults, from imposing: “don’t do like dad, do like me,” and try to support the baby’s illusion that the father is the strongest and bravest person in the world. This may look a little like reality, but rest assured that when your son or daughter grows up, they will draw their own conclusions.
- Don't live in the past, live in the present. Not knowing how to come to terms with the situation, a woman often returns to the past and either idealizes it or relives the pain. It’s very bad if two or three years later you are still reviewing wedding photos or, on the contrary, trying to find a way to take revenge for old grievances. If you cannot forgive, then at least let go of the offense. Forgiveness comes when the pain goes away. Try to live here and now. This is the only way to attract a good future.
Separation is painful at any age, and the rupture of an established, strong marital relationship is doubly painful. How can a woman survive a divorce? How to forget your ex-husband? Advice from psychologists and recommendations for restoring your own strength after the loss of a relationship are given below.
Is it possible to avoid divorce?
There are many reasons for divorce. This may be incompatibility of characters, betrayal, alcoholism and drug addiction, gambling addiction. It is impossible to avoid divorce for these reasons, and if the marriage still continues, then the relationship will no longer be normal. Therefore, before going to the registry office, you should get to know your partner better.
A break in a relationship can only be avoided if the partners have a mutual desire to save the family. If independent work on oneself does not help the spouses come to mutual understanding, then a consultation with a family psychologist will help them.
What to do when the reason is another woman
“I can’t forget my ex-husband, what should I do?” - this is the question asked by women who are faced with the betrayal of their beloved spouse and his leaving for his mistress. Why can't they let their husband go? This is not just about children together and the feelings of the ex-wife. When a man exchanges his family home for a relationship with another woman, his ex-lover experiences jealousy. And not so much jealousy in its usual manifestation, but jealousy from the fact that it can no longer “possess” someone who has already become a loved one.
Women with a heightened sense of ownership have a harder time with divorce. For a certain period of time, the pain of separation subsides, but after mentioning her ex-husband or meeting him, the woman again experiences a painful sting of jealousy.
How to forget your ex-husband? The advice of your mother and close friends is practically powerless here. A woman, after her beloved husband leaves her for another, needs to work on herself, realize and eliminate her shortcomings. However, she should not think that she is somehow worse than that other woman. She needs to understand that she is not better than her, she is just different. With a different character, appearance and lifestyle.
Psychology helps to overcome divorce to new relationships and normal life. Closed representatives of the fairer sex, as well as overly emotional ones, need conversations with a psychologist. Consultations will help you free yourself from negative emotions and gain self-confidence.
It is not necessary to resort to the services of a professional; it is enough to have a conversation with a loved one. Self-diagnosis using the tips below will also help you recover faster after breaking up with your lover.
How to forget your ex-husband if you have a child
When marriages break down, children suffer the most. They do not understand what is happening to their parents, but they feel their pain and worries. In this situation, a woman should minimize conversations about divorce in front of her child, since any negativity has a negative impact on his development.
After a divorce, stay in touch with your ex, even though it may make it more difficult to forget your husband. If you have a child, allow your spouse to communicate with the baby, do not interfere with their friendship. Forget about your own feelings and the desire to prick the offender more painfully. Try to establish a friendly relationship with your ex-lover yourself. Explain to him that you don’t owe each other anything, but you both must give your daughter (son) a normal childhood and growing up, despite your differences.
Regardless of the gender of the child, he will always need a father. Of course, if the reason for the divorce was the spouse’s drunkenness or drug addiction, then his communication with the baby should be minimized. At least until my father’s addiction is completely cured.
If a man refuses to raise a child after a divorce and completely disappears from your life, then you should not look for him and force him to communicate with your son or daughter. This will take a lot of your time and nerves, and can also harm the baby’s psyche.
How to forget about feelings for your ex-husband: a few simple steps
Divorce never goes unnoticed. Women perceive the loss of stable, time-tested relationships more acutely. Especially in situations where they are left alone with their own pain. If there is no support from relatives and close friends, then you need to provide psychological help to yourself.
Step by step you will feel more confident, and your attachment to your ex-spouse will gradually fade away. But you shouldn't hope that everything will happen quickly. It will take time to “bring” the person you still love out of your thoughts, as well as to open up to a new relationship.
Step One: “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”
How to forget your ex-husband? Get rid of things and objects that remind you of him. Start with shared photographs, his gifts, letters and poems written for you. Review them, reread them, and now remember how he treated you. Direct a storm of negative emotions to destroy everything that once united you. Erase digital photos and videos from your computer, remove its image from your desktop.
Tear up paper photographs and throw them into the garbage chute, burn letters. Looking at the fire, imagine how your feelings “burn out” along with the burning paper. If you want, cry your heart out, break the dishes. But remember that this must be done in the absence of children. Don't want to be alone? Call someone close to you for help.
Step two: change your home environment
How to forget your ex-husband quickly? Make repairs in an apartment or house. Furniture, curtains, wallpaper - all this must be changed. Rip off wall coverings, cut curtains and old tulle. Give the bed on which you spent so many nights together with your ex-husband to those in need. Don't leave anything that might remind you of him. Distribute common dishes, break his favorite cup (plate).
Step three: change of image
How to forget your beloved ex-husband? Change your appearance. Changes in appearance will help you transform internally and make it easier to get rid of past relationships. Change your hairstyle, throw away or donate old items from your own wardrobe. Have you ever worn high heels? Buy them and wear a beautiful dress. Remember, divorce for you is not hopelessness and eternal loneliness. This is a holiday, the beginning of a new and interesting life.
Step Four: Rest
How to forget your ex-husband? Relax your soul and body. Visit the spa, do yoga. If you have children, take them to an entertainment center or go to nature. Vacation where you would always like to visit.
Take time off from work and try to get as much sleep as possible. Sleep is the best medicine not only during illness, but also after a breakup.
Step Five: Reduce Time to Worry
Vigorous activity drowns out the pain of separation and prevents you from being distracted by thoughts about your husband? Organize your day in such a way that there is no room left for thoughts about your beloved. Spend more time with your children, friends and relatives.
Step six: “my body is my temple”
Play sports. Training will not only take your mind off things, but will also help you become more confident and attractive. To release negative emotions, you can attend hand-to-hand combat classes.
Climb a mountain, jump with a parachute, get an adrenaline rush and positive emotions. This will help you recover and take your mind off problems.
Step seven: new life
Note for yourself the positive moments of a life free from your husband. Now you don’t have to report to your spouse for being late at work or ask for time off to go out with friends in a cafe. From now on you are a free woman.
Even if you have children in common with your ex-husband, this does not mean that you should be confined to your maternal responsibilities. There is no need to try to replace your child's dad. And remember that the baby should see you happy and cheerful.
New relationship after divorce
Not everyone is able to forget their ex-husband forever. Only a new relationship can displace the feelings that a woman had for her ex-husband. However, you should not rush to make acquaintances with men immediately after a painful divorce, since it is during this period that a woman is most vulnerable. An ordinary compliment and support can be regarded as a sign of sympathy, and the lady completely succumbs to the “charms” of her new partner. When the scales fall from her eyes, she may be very disappointed with those around her.
A common mistake some divorced women make is that instead of taking a break from their previous relationship, they seek to drown out the pain and longing with the embrace of new gentlemen. Ladies waste themselves on casual relationships, and then feel empty and lonely. Take your time, the man who will make your heart beat stronger will appear in your life. Soon, but not now.
Flirt with men, communicate with them, but not on equal terms. You will feel that the opposite sex likes you, and this is another small step towards a normal life after a divorce. An easy office romance without intimacy or commitment will help you become more self-confident.
Divorced mothers need to be extremely careful when considering a new relationship. They should choose not so much a sexual partner as a friend and ally. A man must accept someone else’s child as his own and raise him without interfering with his communication with his own father (if he himself shows a desire to communicate).
There is one main rule for mothers - never bring an unfamiliar man into your home and do not force your child to accept him. Everything here should happen gradually. Get to know your potential partner better and only then introduce him to the baby. The child should be comfortable with him. Never put your own interests above the interests of your son or daughter. Children are better judges of people than adults. Therefore, listen to the child’s opinion.
Do not look for the same traits in the character of other men as in the character of your ex-husband. New relationships are given to forget the past and live in the present.
