Husband, wife and another wife - it would seem that today the family of an Arab sheikh might look like this. But it also happens in Russia. We have fewer men than women, and women in the polls more often call themselves married than men recognize themselves as married. The conclusion suggests itself: many husbands create a full-fledged family on the side, not limited to episodic betrayal. It turns out that there is a kind of modern "polygamy" in Russia.
In practice, polygamy in Russia looks like this: after several years of marriage, the husband begins to cheat. He gets a constant mistress, with whom he secretly communicates from time to time. Then this relationship grows stronger, and the mistress forges family life with someone else's husband. They have, as the lawyers say, "jointly acquired property", they run a household together, an unofficial couple in many cases have children. At the same time, the walking husband does not divorce his wife. Moreover, a real spouse may not even be aware of the partner's double life.
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is well aware of this problem:
- In my practice, there were many such cases. Husbands complain about their indecision in choosing one of the partners, wives complain about the double life of their spouse. In many families, women turn a blind eye to the problem - they pretend not to notice any betrayal. Many of my patients think that this "polygamy" is something abnormal, terrible, unnatural. But, unfortunately, man is a polygamous creature. This is how nature created it. And the institution of monogamous marriage was created by man himself. Therefore, when studying the problem of polygamy in Russia, one circumstance should be taken into account: this phenomenon has existed as long as there is a monogamous family.
Second Wife as Bentley
“Whoever bought a second pair of pants wanted to have two wives” is a popular Arabic saying.
In Muslim countries, where polygamy is accepted and legal, not everyone can afford to remarry. Therefore, for many Islamic peoples, a second wife is a sign of prestige and prosperity. Like a Bentley.
Tatyana Gurko, head of the family and gender relations sector at the Institute of Sociology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, identifies those groups of Russians in which polygamy is most common:
- Most of the "modern polygamists" are representatives of the middle class, that is, men with an average income and above. After achieving material well-being, one often wants another success - marriage with a young woman and new offspring. Someone leaves the old family, and someone starts a new one informally. The same is found among certain religious and ethnic groups living in the Russian Federation.
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky believes that for some men a second wife is a way of self-affirmation.
- For many men, having a second partner is proof of their wealth. “I provide for both. Therefore, I have the right to a "double" relationship "- cheating husbands reason that way.
Russian polygamy
It turns out that in our country unofficial "polygamy" is more developed than in other countries. Specialist Tatyana Gurko explains this phenomenon as follows:
- Speaking in a scientific language, in Russia there is a gender disproportion in the age of marriage. The ratio of men and women at the age of marriage is unequal: there are much more women. There are 11 million fewer men in Russia than women.
At the same time, in large cities the situation is even more acute: according to our social studies, usually women from provinces leave their homes and move to a large city, while men stay in villages and villages. Thus, in the periphery, the number of men and women becomes equal, and in the capital and other large regions, there are much more young unmarried women than potential suitors.
The biological need for marriage and offspring is superimposed on a limited supply of men, and for many women, the role of a second, unofficial spouse is the only way to get married and have children.
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky's advice:
What if the husband got himself a second woman?
1. A potential "polygamist" can be recognized by his previous relationship. The "risk group" includes those men who have already had the experience of living in two houses. The mistress should be borne in mind: it is possible that if her friend officially divorces his wife and marries her, he will soon find another woman for himself, and the situation will repeat itself.
2. Emotional or sexual dissatisfaction in marriage often leads to a "double life". Conflicts, lack of a sense of novelty and problems in intimate life contribute to the emergence of a second "wife". To avoid this, you should work on the relationship in the marriage.
3. Many wives simply refuse to believe all the evidence of a husband's double life. Don't be paranoid, but be careful: don't be fooled by yourself. If you are ok with the situation, take it for granted. If not, try to decide for yourself what kind of relationship with your husband suits you.
4. Children in such situations suffer the most. It doesn't matter whose heirs they are - an official wife or an unofficial partner, children should not suffer from the difficult relationship of their parents. Protect children from conflict. The child does not need to know the details of your personal life.
5. Some people are born lucky - psychologically monogamous. This is a rare occurrence, but if such a person finds a similar spouse, then this family will never face modern "polygamy". For the rest, it should be borne in mind that the need to change is natural for a person.
Men and women cheat in marriage with approximately the same frequency. The only difference is that some men are not limited to sex. Remember this when making your marital decisions - only you can build an ideal relationship.
The concept of the family for the Aryans is benevolent both in a biological sense and in a mathematical sense. In biological terms, the family is a continuation of the Kin, and in mathematics, it is seven I, that is, seven personalities: me, my father, grandfather and great-grandfather, as well as son, grandson and great-grandson.
To this day, with difficulty, but have survived a lot of Ancient Legends of the Aryans in the form of Sumerian, Slavic, Iranian, Indo-Aryan, Ararat, Greek, Scandinavian legends.
The Aryan understanding of the family is not limited to the instinct to continue the Family. The family is also the preparation of a good condition for rebirth (subsequent incarnations).
The Ararat legends about reincarnation in the Aryan ancestral family say that the Spirit of the Great-grandfather is again incarnated in the son, therefore the Aryans have the same respectful attitude towards the descendants as towards the Ancestors. A person born is called the name of a previous life, and if a person acquires new qualities of perfection, then he is called a new name, expressing the state and greatness of his Spirit. He will be called by the same name at the next birth.
Arius, with the help of his father, receives not only the experience of his present life. The experience of the lives of father, grandfather and great-grandfather is added to it. In the end, experience is accumulated and comprehended so much that it leads to the Covenant Wisdom.
Those Aryans who comprehend the Highest Truth, after life, migrate to the world of Rule (the spiritual world of the Most High Progenitor and his elder children - the Aryan Gods, which is beyond Space and Time). They no longer need rebirth in our Explicit World and help their Family from the world of Rule.
In addition to kindred souls, the Spirits of the world of Glory * are born in the Aryan family, belonging to other generic branches of the Aryan World Tree of our Universe, if they correspond to the Image of Spirit and Blood (genetic code) of this Clan.
It happens that the Spirit of the Ancestor refuses to be born in his Family, or stops helping in the event that the Family tramples on the Family Foundations and the descendants degenerate, violating the rule of non-violence. Depending on the degree of violation, the Ancestor either waits for the correction of relatives, or looks for another family for his improvement in a new incarnation.
The Aryan family is ruled by God and the Goddess - the ancestors. It is dominated by Lad and Love, respect and mutual understanding. According to the Aryans, “patriarchy” is an underestimation of a woman, and “matriarchy” is an overestimation.
The Aryan family is a fusion of masculine and feminine principles in the unity of opposites.
Each Aryan family is a little Iriy on Earth - the path to Heavenly Iriy.
Jensen's message is small, so I thought it could be translated, although the book has just started selling, but I will not attach the scan. (I ordered the book, and since Jared's chapter is (according to rumors) about 30 pages, I will already take permission to translate there).
So Jensen's message ...
“How much has my experience with Supernatural and the fandom on the show changed me?
I will give you just one example. Before Supernatural, the very idea of \u200b\u200bhaving a private meeting (mit-grit) - which I now have all the time on Konach, where a small group of twenty or so fans ask me questions - would scare me crazy. Before this experience, even at family gatherings, I was incredibly worried. I remember at my brother's wedding, when I had to make a toast, I was so nervous that my mouth was terribly dry. I couldn't even speak! I remember sitting and thinking: "What's wrong with me?" But then I was already a professional actor, and did not understand why I just could not get up and make a toast. As if it was some other Jensen, from another reality!
The thing is, you have a script on set. You don't have to be yourself when you play. Unlike that wedding. All in all, it was pretty awful. And then my first award ceremony took place, where I was supposed to present the award. I was so worried that it seemed to me that I was about to pass out right on stage. Despite the fact that I knew all the lines very well - and I also saw them on the teleprompter! It didn't matter at all. I felt like I would faint just by trying to do it.
Fast forward ten years. "Supernatural", my experiences with fans and conventions have changed this state of affairs for me. And all because of this interaction between us. I think Jared and everyone else will tell you the same. All this comes from the love between us. We receive so much energy from you. It's like fuel. This exchange of emotions between us is like fuel energizing me. And these emotions are absolutely sincere; they are real. It changes everything.
Jared and I recently presented the Saturn Awards ( approx translation. - On June 22, 2016, Jensen and Jared presented Eric Kripke with the Dan Curtis Producer Award for Fiction, Fantasy and Horror at the 42nd Saturn Awards), and it was a completely different experience than my first ceremony. It was comfortable, as if we were at the convention with all of you. We were so comfortable that we even stepped back from the script and started joking - even with William Shatner himself! What you and I have, the fandom, has had an impact on the rest of my life. This feeling of comfort was passed on. You see, we are no longer strangers. You are not strangers to me. Of course, we are all a bit strangers - and we take that little in each of us, and mix these little pieces together, and that's why we love the relationship we have. You are family. And you changed me. "
Informative
There is an opinion that for a woman there is no difference between her children: maternal love and enough attention for everyone. Ideally, a mother should love and care for all her children equally. But we know a lot of examples when one of the children in the family experienced an acute deficiency parental love, and someone was a favorite that everyone pampered.
In fact, there are many more such families than we can imagine. As you know, maternal behavior is inherited. And those who, in childhood, suffered from a lack of parental love, have to make great efforts to open this circle. But, according to the writer Peg Streep, and the “favorites” of mothers in life also have a hard time. In her article, she writes about what the unequal attitude of parents to children leads to.
When a child is a trophy
There are many reasons why one of the children turns out to be a favorite, but the main one can be distinguished - the “favorite” is more like a mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman who has two children - one quiet and obedient, the other energetic, excitable, constantly trying to break restrictions. Which of them will be easier for her to educate?
It also happens that parents have different attitudes towards children at different stages of development. For example, it is easier for an overbearing and authoritarian mother to raise a very young child, because the older one is already capable of disagreeing and arguing. therefore youngest child often becomes a mother's "favorite". But often this is only a temporary position.
“In the earliest photographs, my mother holds me as radiant porcelain doll... She is not looking at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she is demonstrating the most valuable of her things. I am like a purebred puppy for her. Everywhere she was dressed with a needle - a huge bow, an elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well - all the time I had to make sure that there was not a speck on them, they had to be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, I became like my dad, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I didn't grow up the way she wanted and expected. And I lost my place in the sun. "
Not all mothers fall into this trap.
“Looking back, I understand that my mom had much more trouble with my older sister... She constantly needed help, but I did not. Then no one knew that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, this diagnosis was made to her already in adulthood, but it was in it. But in all other respects, my mother tried to treat us the same. Although she did not spend as much time with me as she did with her sister, I never felt unfair to myself. "
But this is not the case in all families, especially when it comes to a mother with a tendency to control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, the relationship develops according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call the “trophy child”.
First, let's take a closer look at the different attitudes of parents towards children.
The effect of unequal treatment
It is hardly surprising that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal treatment from their parents. Another thing is noteworthy - rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered "normal", can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if this "cocktail" is also mixed with unequal treatment from the parents.
Research by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin has shown that children are often more influenced by their parents' attitudes toward siblings than they are about themselves. According to them, "if a child sees that the mother is showing more love and care for his brother or sister, it can devalue for him even the love and care that she shows to him."
Humans are biologically programmed to respond more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. That is why it is easier to remember how my mother literally beamed with joy, hugging your brother or sister - and how deprived we felt at the same time, than the times when she smiled at you and seemed to be pleased with you. For the same reason, curses, insults and ridicule from one of the parents are not compensated by the kind attitude of the other.
In families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only in unloved, but also in beloved children.
Unequal attitude on the part of parents has many negative effects on the child - self-esteem decreases, a habit of self-criticism develops, a conviction appears in their uselessness and unloved, a tendency to inappropriate behavior arises - this is how the child tries to attract attention to himself, the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child's relationship with siblings suffers.
When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the prevailing pattern of relationships cannot always be changed. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved, but also among beloved children.
“It was like I was sandwiched between two“ stars ”- my older brother, an athlete, and my younger sister, a ballerina. It doesn't matter that I was an excellent student and took prizes in scientific competitions, obviously, for my mother it was not “glamorous” enough. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she kept repeating, “it is especially important for nondescript girls to smile more often.” It was simply cruel. And you know what? Cinderella was my idol, ”says one woman.
Studies show that unequal parenting is more difficult for children of the same gender.
Podium
Mothers who see their child as an extension of themselves and as proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful - especially in the eyes of outsiders.
A classic case is a mother trying to realize her unrealized ambitions, especially creative ones, through her child. Famous actresses such as Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others can be cited as examples of such children. But "trophy children" are not necessarily associated with the world of show business, similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.
Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats children differently. But the “pedestal of honor for winners” in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families - regardless of whether they are "lucky" to become a "trophy child" - from an early age understand that the mother is not interested in their personality, she is only interested in their achievements and the way in which they present her.
Winning love and approval within a family not only fuels rivalry between children, but also raises the standards by which all family members are judged. The thoughts and feelings of the "winners" and "losers" do not really bother anyone, but it is more difficult for the "trophy child" to realize this than those who happened to become the "scapegoat".
“I definitely belonged to the category of 'trophy children' - until I realized that I could decide for myself what to do. Mom either loved me or was angry with me, but mostly admired me for her own benefit - for the image, for "show", to receive that love and care that she herself did not get in childhood.
When she stopped receiving from me the hugs, kisses and love that she needed - I just grew up, but she never managed to grow up - and when I began to decide for myself how I should live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.
I had a choice: to be independent and say what I think, or silently submit to her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first one, did not hesitate to criticize her openly and remained true to myself. And I am much happier than I could be as a trophy child.
Family dynamics
Imagine that the mother is the Sun and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.
“Do you know what they say:“ if mom is unhappy, no one will be happy ”? Our family lived by this principle. And I didn't realize that this was not normal until I grew up. I was not a family idol, although I was not a "scapegoat" either. The "trophy" was my sister, I was the one to be ignored, and my brother was considered a failure.
We were assigned such roles and, for the most part, throughout our childhood, we corresponded to them. My brother ran away, graduated from college while working, and now I am the only family member he has contact with. My sister lives two streets from my mother, I don't communicate with them. My brother and I are well settled, happy with life. Both have started good families and keep in touch with each other. "
While the trophy child position is relatively stable in many families, in others it can be constantly shifting. Here is the case of a woman in whose life such dynamics persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now, when her parents are no longer alive:
“The position of the“ trophy child ”in our family was constantly shifting depending on which of us was now behaving the way the mother thought the other two children should have behaved. Everyone developed a dislike for each other, and after many years, already in adulthood, this growing tension burst out when our mother fell ill, needed care, and then died.
The conflict surfaced again when our father fell ill and died. And until now, any discussion of upcoming family meetings is not complete without a showdown.
We have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right.
Mom herself was one of four sisters - all close in age - and with early years learned to behave "correctly". My brother was her only son, she had no brothers in her childhood. His barbs and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because "he is not out of malice." Surrounded by two girls, he was a "trophy boy".
I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although at the same time he believed that I was my mother's favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the "podium" have been constantly changing. Because of this, we have always been tormented by doubts about whether we are living the right way. "
In such families, everyone is constantly on the alert and all the time watching, as if he is not "bypassed" in some way. For most people, this is hard and exhausting.
Sometimes the dynamics of relations in such a family is not limited to the appointment of a child to the role of a "trophy"; parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. The rest of the children often join the bullying, trying to earn the favor of their parents.
“In our family and in general in the circle of relatives, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, I always turned out to be it. Once my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and blamed me for everything. My sister actively participated in this, constantly lying, slandering me. And she continued to behave the same way as we grew up. In my opinion, for 40 years my mother has never said a word across to her sister. Why, when I am? Rather, she was - until she broke off any relationship with both of them. "
A Few More Words on Winners and Losers
Studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women who were not loved in childhood and even made "scapegoats" said that now they are glad that they were not "trophies." I am not a psychologist or a psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have been regularly communicating with women who were not loved by their mothers, and this seemed to me quite remarkable.
These women did not at all try to downplay the significance of their experiences or downplay the pain they experienced as an outcast in their own family - on the contrary, they emphasized this in every possible way - and admitted that, in general, they had a terrible childhood. But - and this is important - many noted that their brothers and sisters, who acted as "trophies", did not manage to get away from the unhealthy dynamics of family relations, and they themselves succeeded - simply because they had to.
There have been many stories of trophy daughters being replicas of their mothers - equally narcissistic women, prone to control through divide and conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected - they were supposed to be perfect - that after 45 years they continued to live in their parents' house.
Some have cut contact with their families, others keep in touch, but do not hesitate to point out their behavior to parents.
Some noted that this vicious relationship scenario was inherited by the next generation, and it continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who used to view their children as trophies.
On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to be silent, but to defend their interests. Some have severed contact with their families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to point out directly to parents about their inappropriate behavior.
Some decided to become "suns" themselves and give warmth to other "planetary systems". They worked hard on themselves to fully understand and realize what happened to them as children, and built their own lives - with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they have no mental wounds, but they all have one thing in common: for them, it is more important not what a person does, but what he is.
I call this progress.
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