Children resenting their parents is a phenomenon that occurs in almost every family.
It’s scary to admit, but some even adult children think about this:
- how to teach parents a lesson for insulting them;
- how to take revenge on parents for insult
And only a few think about how to get rid of resentment towards parents, how to forgive parents for offenses (namely, how to forgive parents for children’s offenses).
Why can a person be offended by his parents?
Psychologists identify 3 key reasons why grievances arise:
- Inability to forgive. Sometimes even religious people find it difficult to sincerely forgive. And this is the main reason for the problem in question.
- The desire to manipulate (consciously or subconsciously). By making someone feel guilty, the person receives a certain benefit.
- Failure to meet expectations.
Do you have any complaints against your parents? If yes, read this article, and maybe everything will finally fall into place.
Resentment towards parents of adult children: psychology
Many adult children are ready to name dozens of times when their mom and dad did wrong. They think: “I won’t be like them,” “Everything is wrong in my life,” etc. Is it familiar?
Looking ahead, I would like to note that there is no point in being offended by your parents. Moreover, you have no right to hold a grudge against the people who gave you life. By the way, you will never be able to thank your parents for such a priceless gift - your birth. The only thing you can do is give life to another person.
What do psychologists advise on the topic “Children’s grievances against parents in adulthood”:
- You shouldn't try to forgive, you should try to understand. You DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE your parents. Instead of constantly replaying grievances against your parents in your head, try to understand them at least a little. Perhaps they did not have a resource (not enough money, difficult work, little experience, etc.).
- There is no need to remain silent. Allow yourself to talk openly and honestly with your parents. Do you feel offended? So tell this to mom and dad. Nobody argues “mom and dad are saints, they should be valued, respected and loved,” but first of all they are people, your family. Perhaps, in a frank conversation, facts that you were not aware of will be revealed to you. And then you can return to point No. 1. It is possible that the parents have become wiser and calmer. They may want to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Give them a chance!
- Allow your father and mother not to admit their mistakes. Yes, you can often hear “We did everything right, but now we see what an ungrateful child we raised.” Well, it is the parents' right to project their picture of the world. You have your own. Convincing an adult parent is unnecessary. You shouldn't expect your father or mother to change.
- Learn to understand the language your parents speak to you. Perhaps a constantly nagging mother shows her love in this way, and a constantly criticizing father thereby tries to guide you on the right path (this is how he takes care of you).
- Allow yourself to be sad for a while, talk to your little self. When a child receives insults from his parents, he is in the state of a defenseless being who has no choice. As adults, we can admit our vulnerable feelings, we can feel sorry for our little self and explain to ourselves that we cannot do this with children.
And please, don’t spend your entire adult life running around with childhood traumas like a chicken and an egg! Live calmly and free from resentment. No, well, if you like to feel sorry for yourself, continue, of course, to complain that you were bullied as a child, you were not given money, your mother did not love you, and your father often took the belt. There is always a choice: either leave childhood trauma as an experience, or allow grievances to destroy today’s and future life.
How to forgive grievances against parents?
If you set out to understand how to get rid of children’s grievances against their parents, it would not hurt to find out what such things lead to.
Did you know that resentment against parents:
- block money;
- deprived of peace;
- interfere with building relationships with the opposite sex;
- don't let you be happy;
- cause terrible diseases (): tumors, headaches, skin rashes, stomach and duodenal ulcers, etc.
Resentment towards parents leads to other ailments. Do you need it?
Working through resentment towards parents
Do you want to get rid of childhood resentment towards parents? Go for it!
How to let go of a grudge against your parents:
- Write a letter of grievances to your parents. Take a pen, a piece of paper and write down all your experiences. Should I give this letter to mom and dad? That's your business.
- Finally learn to love yourself. What does it mean to love yourself? This is to get rid of aggression towards yourself, this is to understand that you are a divine creation. In Christianity there is a well-known commandment: “Love God above father and mother, above son and daughter. Love God with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your heart.” The question is, how to love God? If you direct love to heaven, then it turns out that you are giving your feelings to heaven; if you direct love to the icon, then you bow to the creation of human hands. A person is closer to God in soul. This is where (into oneself) one should direct love. Loving God means loving yourself as a part of Him.
- Find out how to forgive parents for childhood grievances from Torsunov. Listen and watch the video “How to work off the karma of relationships with parents”
- Read it.
- You know, write this:
Dear mommy!
I accept everything you give me, completely and completely, without exception. I accept it for the full price it cost you and costs me. I will make something out of this for your joy. It shouldn't be in vain. I honor and treasure this, and, if allowed, I will pass it on in the same way as you.
I accept you as my mother and belong to you as your daughter. You are the one I need. You are big and I am small.
Dear Mom! I'm glad you chose dad. You both are the ones I need! Only you!
Once upon a time, these lines were dictated to me by one very amazing person - an experienced coach, whom I want to thank endlessly for cleansing my (and not only my) soul.
Do you have children's grievances against your parents in your heart? I would like to believe you already know what to do with them!
In conclusion a parable about resentment against parents. Have a handkerchief ready to help hold back the flow of tears.
A parable (or maybe a real story) about FORGIVENESS
“I won’t forgive,” She said. - I will remember.
Forgive me,” the Angel asked her. – Sorry, it will be easier for you.
“No way,” She stubbornly pursed her lips. - This cannot be forgiven. Never.
Will you take revenge? – he asked worriedly.
No, I will not take revenge. I'll be above it.
Do you crave severe punishment?
I don't know what punishment would be enough.
- Everyone has to pay for their decisions. Sooner or later, but everyone… - the Angel said quietly. - It's unavoidable.
Yes, I know.
- Then forgive me! Take the weight off yourself. You are now far away from your offenders.
No. I can not. And I don't want to. There is no forgiveness for them.
“Okay, it’s up to you,” the Angel sighed. – Where do you intend to store your grudge?
Here and here,” She touched the head and heart.
- Please be careful- asked the Angel. – The poison of resentment is very dangerous. It can settle like a stone and drag you to the bottom, or it can give rise to a flame of rage that burns all living things.
This is the Memory Stone and the Noble Fury,” She interrupted him. - They are on my side.
And the resentment settled where she said - in the head and in the heart.
She was young and healthy, she was building her life, hot blood flowed in her veins, and her lungs greedily inhaled the air of freedom. She got married, had children, made friends. Sometimes, of course, she was offended by them, but mostly she forgave them. Sometimes she got angry and quarreled, then they forgave her. There were all sorts of things in life, and she tried not to remember her offense.
Many years passed before she heard that hateful word again—“forgive.”
My husband betrayed me. There is constant friction with children. Money doesn't love me. What to do? – she asked the elderly psychologist.
He listened carefully, clarified a lot, and for some reason kept asking her to talk about her childhood. She got angry and brought the conversation back to the present, but it took her back to her childhood. It seemed to her that he was wandering through the nooks and crannies of her memory, trying to examine and bring to light that long-standing resentment. She didn't want this, so she resisted. But he saw it anyway, this meticulous guy.
“You need to cleanse yourself,” he concluded. – Your grievances have grown. Later grievances stuck to them like polyps on a coral reef. This reef became an obstacle to the flow of vital energy. Because of this, you have problems in your personal life and things are not going well with your finances. This reef has sharp edges that will hurt your tender soul. Various emotions have settled and become entangled inside the reef, they poison your blood with their waste products, and this attracts more and more settlers.
Yes, I feel something like that too,” the woman nodded. – From time to time I become nervous, sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I just want to kill everyone. Okay, we need to clean up. But as?
Forgive that first, most important offense, the psychologist advised. “There will be no foundation and the reef will crumble.”
Never! – the woman jumped up. – This is a fair insult, because that’s how it all happened! I have the right to be offended!
Do you want to be right or happy? – asked the psychologist. But the woman did not answer, she simply got up and left, taking her coral reef with her.
Several more years passed. The woman was again at the reception, now with the doctor. The doctor looked at the pictures, leafed through the tests, frowned and chewed his lips.
Doctor, why are you silent? – she couldn’t stand it.
Do you have any relatives? - asked the doctor.
My parents died, my husband and I are divorced, but there are children and grandchildren too. Why do you need my relatives?
You see, you have a tumor. “Right here,” and the doctor showed on the photograph of the skull where she had the tumor. – Judging by the tests, the tumor is not good. This explains your constant headaches, insomnia, and fatigue. The worst thing is that the tumor has a tendency to grow rapidly. It's increasing, that's what's bad.
- So what, am I going to have an operation now? – she asked, growing cold with terrible forebodings.
No,” and the doctor frowned even more. – Here are your cardiograms for the last year. You have a very weak heart. It seems that it is squeezed on all sides and is not able to work at full capacity. It may not survive surgery. Therefore, first you need to treat the heart, and only then...
He didn’t finish speaking, and the woman realized that “later” might never come. Either the heart won’t stand it, or the tumor will crush.
By the way, your blood test isn't very good either. Hemoglobin is low, leukocytes are high... I will prescribe you medicine,” said the doctor. - But you also have to help yourself. You need to put your body in relative order and at the same time mentally prepare for the operation.
But as?
Positive emotions, warm relationships, communication with family. You will fall in love eventually. Look through the photo album and remember your happy childhood.
The woman just smiled wryly.
Try to forgive everyone, especially your parents,” the doctor unexpectedly advised. – This greatly relieves the soul. In my practice, there have been cases when forgiveness worked wonders.
Oh really? – the woman asked ironically.
Imagine. There are many auxiliary tools in medicine. Quality care, for example... Caring. Forgiveness can also be a medicine, free of charge and without a prescription.
Forgive.
Or die.
Forgive or die?
Die but not forgive?
When choice becomes a matter of life and death, you just need to decide which way you are looking.
Headache. My heart ached. “Where will you keep your grudge?” "Here and here." Now it hurt there. Perhaps the resentment had grown too much, and she wanted more. She decided to displace her owner and take over her entire body. The stupid resentment did not understand that the body could not stand it and would die.
She remembered her main offenders - those from childhood.Father and mother, who were either working or arguing all the time. They didn't love her the way she wanted. Nothing helped: neither A's and certificates of merit, nor fulfillment of their requirements, nor protest and rebellion. And then they separated, and each started a new family, where there was no place for her. At the age of sixteen she was sent to a technical school in another city, given a ticket, a suitcase with things and three thousand rubles for the first time, and that’s all - from that moment she became independent and decided: “I won’t forgive!” She carried this resentment within herself all her life, she swore that the resentment would die with her, and it seems that this is coming true.
But she had children, she had grandchildren, and a widower, Sergei Stepanych, from work, who tried to care for her ineptly, and she didn’t want to die. Well, the truth is - it was too early for her to die! “We must forgive,” she decided. “At least try.”
“Parents, I forgive you for everything,” she said uncertainly. The words sounded pitiful and unconvincing. Then she took paper and pencil and wrote: Dear parents! Dear Parents! I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you for everything.
My mouth felt bitter, my heart sank, and my head hurt even more. But she, squeezing her pen tighter, stubbornly, over and over again, wrote: “I forgive you. I forgive you". There was no relief, only irritation rose.
Not like that,” the Angel whispered. – The river always flows in one direction. They are the elders, you are the youngest. They were there before, you were there later. It was not you who gave birth to them, but they who gave birth to you. They gave you the opportunity to appear in this world. Be grateful!
“I’m grateful,” the woman said. “And I really really want to forgive them.”
Children have no right to judge their parents.
Parents are not forgiven.
They ask for forgiveness.
For what? – she asked. -Have I done anything bad to them?
You did something bad to yourself. Why did you keep that grudge inside of you? What do you have a headache about? What stone do you carry in your chest? What poisons your blood? Why does your life not flow like a full-flowing river, but flow in feeble streams? Do you want to be right or healthy?
Is it really all because of resentment towards parents? Was she the one who ruined me?
“I warned you,” the Angel reminded. – Angels always warn: don’t save, don’t wear, don’t poison yourself with grievances. They rot, stink and poison all living things around. We warn you! If a person chooses to be offended, we have no right to interfere. And if it is in favor of forgiveness, we must help.
Can I still break this coral reef? Or is it too late?
It’s never too late to try,” the Angel said softly.
But they died a long time ago! There is no one to ask for forgiveness now, so what can we do?
You ask. They will hear...
Or maybe they won't hear. In the end, you are not doing this for them, but for yourself.
Dear parents,” she began. - Forgive me, please, if something is wrong... And in general, forgive me for everything.
She spoke for a while, then fell silent and listened to herself. There are no miracles - my heart aches, my head hurts, and there are no special feelings, everything is as always.
“I don’t believe myself,” she admitted. - So many years have passed...
Try differently, - advised the Angel. - Become a child again.
How?
Get down on your knees and address them as you did in childhood: mom, dad.
The woman hesitated a little and sank to her knees. She cupped her hands, looked up and said: “Mom. Dad". And then again: “Mom, dad...”. Her eyes opened wide and began to fill with tears. “Mom, dad... it’s me, your daughter... forgive me... forgive me!” Her chest was shaken by approaching sobs, and then tears flowed in a stormy stream. And she kept repeating and repeating: “Forgive me. Please forgive me. I had no right to judge you. Mother, father…".
It took a long time before the flow of tears dried up. Exhausted, she sat straight on the floor, leaning against the sofa.
How are you – asked the Angel.
Don't know. I don't understand. “I think I’m empty,” she answered.
Repeat this daily for forty days,” said the Angel. - Like a course of treatment. Like chemotherapy. Or, if you want, instead of chemotherapy.
Yes. Yes. Forty days. I will.
Something was pulsating, tingling and rolling in hot waves in my chest. Maybe it was reef debris. And for the first time in a long time, my head didn’t hurt at all, well, just about nothing.
I dedicate this article to my mother!
My dear, the best mother in the world, thank you for existing!
Your daughter =
Resentment is a human emotion that is understandable and familiar to everyone. We all sometimes get offended by someone or offend ourselves. But resentment is not always harmless - it is one of the most destructive emotions. Many relationships and human destinies are destroyed by this very feeling.
What is resentment
Resentment is a person’s reaction to what is perceived as unfairly caused grief, insult, as well as the negatively colored emotions caused by this. It includes the experience of anger towards the offender and self-pity in a situation where nothing can be corrected (based on Wikipedia).
Resentment is a special type of aggression. But it is important to know that it is aimed simultaneously at both the offender and the one who was offended. After all, resentment seriously harms the psyche and can even cause serious health problems. Resentment is destructive energy that is aimed at the “culprit” or the object of resentment - at a person, fate, the Almighty or oneself.
The culprit is the one whom the offended person accused of something. Essentially, the energy of resentment is the energy of destruction, harm and pain. And it causes the most severe trouble precisely to those who carry the resentment within themselves. If a person cannot cope with resentment, it slowly but surely destroys his life. They try not to communicate with touchy people. Often they are not happy at all.
As we see, resentment is a destructive feeling that causes great harm to the psyche of the offended person, his health and interferes with the development of normal relationships with other people. In practice, resentment occurs very often, in almost all of us. Not for nothing in the project, in the most popular course « » The topic of forgiveness of grievances occupies a key place. Resentment is very often the reason for self-sabotage and a subconscious ban on happiness and success.
How grievances affect a person's life
To understand this problem more deeply (may people forgive me for this bad word), let's look at an example. A little girl and her dad went into the store. The girl saw the toy and asked her dad to buy it. Dad refused or simply did not notice his daughter’s request. A banal situation, right?
As children, we are very touchy, and in this simple situation the girl could have been offended. This is usually what happens. It is important to understand that children’s thoughts and conclusions are very categorical, and this “unnoticed” offense by dad could cause a storm of emotions in the child’s soul and a series of categorical conclusions (decisions). For example: “... that’s it, dad, I don’t love you anymore.” A banal situation, right? It is at such moments that strong grievances are created that can and do persist for many years.
The girl has grown up. She has her own children, but her childhood grievances, hidden in the depths of her soul, appear from time to time. The resentment towards the father gradually “transferred” to the husband. Now, the husband, who does not understand anything, regularly faces unreasonable self-resentment and increased expectations (read: claims) towards himself. Why is this happening?
For a little girl, her dad is the most important man in her life. All her relationships with other men are inevitably “passed through” her relationship with her father. If a child harbors grievances towards his dad, then grievances and claims will manifest themselves in relationships with all men. First of all, with those closest to you, especially your husband and/or mentor.
The bad news is that in 99% of cases, resentment towards parents lives in each of us. Even if we don’t realize it or feel it, it doesn’t change the situation. There are grievances. Resentments need to be removed in order to build normal relationships and be happy/happy.
Resentment towards parents
Resentment is usually inherent in children. Many psychologists believe that an adult’s grievances are a sign of his emotional immaturity. I won’t be so categorical, but I agree that resentment is more of a child’s condition. For this reason, saying “free yourself from resentment” is easier than doing it in practice.
The childish part of our soul does not want to forgive the offender. This makes a person suffer, destroys life and relationships, but you don’t want to let go of the grudge. Hundreds of times I have heard from my students: “I have forgiven everyone, and my life has become better, but I can’t forgive my mom (or dad). I just can’t bring myself to..." This is how children's grievances manifest themselves. With an adult mind, we understand what is needed, but we just can’t do it.
Watch the video How to let go of grudges against parents from the series [Lessons of Well-Being], in which I answer this question.
I hope this tutorial was helpful to you. In addition to it, I recommend this blog post: Free yourself for your dreams! In it I shared the “Forgiveness” technique. One of the versions of the technique, which is distinguished by the depth and quality of its elaboration. I recommend using it in working on forgiving parents. A strong technique.
Many adults who consider their lives unhappy or unsuccessful had difficult relationships with their parents in childhood. Weakness of character, low self-esteem, uncertainty when making decisions, inability to defend one’s opinion, conformism - all these are typical consequences of the so-called “offended child” syndrome. And until you overcome all your grievances and stop constantly proving something to everyone, your life’s difficulties will never end and will continue.
Before you get offended by your father and mother, think about the following:
1. Every parent wants to see their child strong, with his own inner core. As a result, adults are too strict and overly demanding with their children. Of course, many people don’t like this attitude, but if you take a sober look at your life, then your inherent ability to get out of difficult situations was obtained as a result of a “Spartan upbringing.”
2. Each parent has its own complexes and experiences. You need to learn to understand your parents and accept them as they are. You shouldn’t re-educate or convince them, you won’t change them. They have every right to live as they are used to. As a result, many of the inhibitions in your childhood were just unfounded fears or false beliefs.
3. All parents make mistakes. Most children who have had disagreements with their parents believe that they would have been better off in other families. This false feeling appears as a result of the fact that they see only one better or so-called façade side of relationships in other families. You should always understand that relationships in other families have their own difficulties and ambiguities. There is a high probability that you were luckier with your parents than anyone else. The source of this false feeling may be the distance between your family members.
4. Thanks to your dad and mom, you live in this world. You should be grateful to them for such a gift. If you are more attentive and caring to them, then you will be happier.
5. Your parents learned the ability to love from their parents. The model of parental behavior was formed by the relationships in the families of your grandparents. For this reason, some parents express their love by being overly protective, by wanting to tie you to themselves, or, conversely, by giving you complete freedom and the opportunity to learn from your mistakes.
As a child, you probably often felt that your parents did not understand you. As a person grows up, he begins to look at such situations less emotionally, but more rationally and consciously. The problem is that in adult life these emotions and experiences have nowhere to go. Sometimes this can negatively affect your relationships with others.
To get rid of all experienced negative emotions that have accumulated in relation to parents, a special trance technique “Transfer of feelings by parents” has been developed. This technique is suitable for people who have little contact with their parents; it will help you penetrate into the depths of yourself to get rid of experienced and accumulated grievances, and will give you a new charge of vital energy.
Let's consider an introductory version of this technique, intended for people who have not encountered conscious trance.
1. Lie on the bed, relax as much as possible, close your eyes, don’t think about anything;
2. Imagine that you are moving along a long corridor. At the end you will see a room, go into it;
3. Your mom and dad will be in this room. What are you experiencing? What negative emotions overwhelm you? There is no need to show pity for them. Don't take the position of a parent. Better express sympathy;
4. Imagining your parents in front of you, take turns turning your own experiences and emotions to them in the form of a multi-colored energy ray;
5. Monitor mentally how changes will occur. In this way, you wash away all accumulated complaints and grievances. Our energy beam will look like a stream of black mud. Don't be afraid to show negative feelings towards your father and mother. Gradually our flow will become cleaner and brighter. At the moment when the accumulated experiences and grievances go away, our crystal clear flow will sparkle. After this, try to enjoy what is happening;
6. Say thank you to your parents for the opportunity to live in this world. Tell them something important that has accumulated in your soul;
7. Now you can leave the room. As you move away from your parents, you may feel a return flow of positive feelings. Receive all the strength and energy that is inherent in your family;
8. Say thank you to your unconscious for the help you received.
Despite all the difficulties in relationships with your father and mother, children do not have the moral right to judge their parents. They gave you life. Let them live as they see fit. There is no need to change them, adapting them for yourself. Live and enjoy your life, and thank them often for the opportunity to enjoy the sun. Remember, you always have a chance to build the best relationships in your family, with your own children.
Adult children often harbor resentment against their parents - mothers, fathers. They hide it in the depths of their souls, pretending not to remember it.
But these are stones that you carry around with you. There are stones in the kidneys, urinary and gall bladder. And these are stones in the soul that do even more harm.
Adult children list the reasons: they say, the mother or father acted badly, incorrectly. They did (or didn’t do) this, that, the third...
Almost always, resentment is not connected with the family in which a person grew up and was raised. They are offended by poor parents who could give little to their child. They are offended by wealthy parents who tried to provide the child with everything they needed.
Of course, we are not talking now about alcoholics and cruel people who beat a child and mocked him. This is a special article.
Most of the parents who hold grudges are ordinary, normal people. While raising their child, they did everything they could for him, at the level of understanding that they then had. Of course they are not angels. We made mistakes, like we all do. Sometimes they scolded the child, shouted at him, spanked him, like the rest of us.
But they loved, they loved! They were ready to give their lives for him. They hugged, caressed, pressed to the heart. We read bedtime stories, took us to the movies to see cartoons, and took us on vacation at the seaside.
So why do adult children (already parents themselves) harbor resentment against their fathers and mothers? Why can't and don't want to forgive them? I don't understand...
How many such stories have I heard, how many have I read on the Internet! You just have to dig deeper and you will see. But these grievances interfere with life.
I think that all of us, without exception, suffer from being unloved. No matter how old we are, we still lack love. Even if they give it to us, we always want more.
My brother and I grew up in a happy family, with parents who loved each other very much. There was a loving atmosphere in our home, thank God for that. And I, too, like many, harbored a grudge against my mother. It seemed to me that she was unfair to me, that she loved her brother more (so it was).
But the time has come, and the Almighty enlightened me. I was already an adult woman, my daughter was growing up.
God helped me understand that I cannot live without forgiveness. I cried, begged his forgiveness for everything - for the insults that I inflicted myself, and that were inflicted on me.
I forgave my mother for hurting me, and I forgave myself for hurting her. Tears streamed down my face, and along with them came grievances. This didn't happen in one day. But thanks to God, all these toxins came out. I cried for them, begged God for forgiveness and forgave them myself...
But there are people who carry their grievances until the end of their days. It happens that they leave with them, not forgiven and not forgiven.
It is especially difficult if the moment of truth comes too late - when the parents pass away. The children finally forgive them, absolve them of their true and imagined sins. But this happens when nothing can be changed...
Have you ever seen this?
