When children often lie, parents become hard to trust them. Parents may not even believe their children the moment they actually tell the truth. Lying on the part of the child creates problems with friends and other family members. Parents ask themselves questions - why does the child do this, who taught him this, and what to do when the child starts to cheat?
It is important for the children to learn that no matter what they do, they must tell the truth. It is best for parents to deal with cheating as soon as you discover it. In this article, I will give you some hints to help you to teach your child(age from 3 to 12 years old) to tell the truth.
When does lying become a problem?
A lie is a statement deliberately not consistent with the truth and deliberately expressed in this form. In everyday life, a lie is the deliberate transmission of factual and emotional information (verbally or non-verbally) in order to create or maintain in another person a belief that the transmitter himself considers to be inconsistent with the truth.
Fantasy (Greek φαντασία - "imagination") is a situation presented by an individual or a group that does not correspond to reality, but expresses their desires. Fantasy is an improvisation on a free theme. To fantasize means to imagine, compose, imagine. That is, to live with images and ideas born in the brain part by the Man - the Dreamer ...
Fantasy is a necessary component of a person's creative activity, which is expressed in the construction of an image or a visual model of its results in cases where there is not enough information about the conditions and means of achieving the goal. Wikipedia.
The attitude of our society towards lies is ambiguous, complicated and sometimes our children are simply confused.
Sometimes “innocent lies” or “salvation lies” can help us protect the feelings of another. And adults are able to tell several such “lies” during the day. On the other hand, deliberately telling someone a lie means misleading that person, which is unacceptable. And this kind of lie is a real problem because it undermines trust between people.
Sometimes children mix fiction and reality and tell their stories without intending to deceive us. This phenomenon is especially observed in preschoolers (3-5 years old). However, in elementary school, children (5 to 12 years old) are well aware of the difference between fantasy and lies. If a child often tells lies at this age, a problem may arise.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya
Talking about lies at a young age is not correct. Lying is a complex intellectual action that is within the power of a child from the age of nine. To lie means to understand how it was in reality, it is good to separate it from fiction and deliberately, purposefully give a different version of events, understanding where the truth is and where it is not. Young children may have fantasies when the child tells something, passing off wishful thinking. A kind of "children's magic", an attempt to influence reality with words. When a child thinks that if he said that this is so, then it will be so. That is, having said: "I did not paint the walls," he thereby canceled the very fact and at that moment believes that he really is not.
As adults, lying is defensive behavior. A child rarely has a goal to deliberately lie, to deceive our trust. It's just that children are trying to follow the shortest path. A child comes home with a deuce. He knows that mom will ask about the grades, and he knows what will start next. Not even in the sense that he will be beaten, and his mother will be upset, start lamenting, make him do additional tasks. And he wants the house to be quiet, calm. And that is why for him the simplest and most understandable thing is to say: "I was not asked." And adults begin to put their own yardsticks to this and become horrified, thinking that the child is sinking into vice! There is no need to ascribe to the child the depravity that he does not have.
Why do children cheat?
By telling a lie, the child thereby sends signals that not everything is safe in his world. It is important to understand what problem the child is trying to get rid of, what is the reason, what need compels the child to deceive, whom or what he is afraid of and help him on his own or with the help of specialists.
Children tell lies for different reasons:
To avoid consequences, including the punishment that usually follows the misconduct.
- If there is no benefit from the fact that the child will tell the truth, for example, he will not avoid a situation when adults will shame him, demand an apology.
- Because other children, adults or parents are cheating.
- In order to be accepted into the group, to get attention, approval from peers and friends.
- From loneliness and low self-esteem.
Usually, an innocent boastful lie stops as soon as the child starts school or if she has been caught lying a couple of times.
How to tell if a child is not telling the truth
How to stop cheating if you do not understand if the child is telling the truth now or not. Children aged primary school usually give themselves away because they smile when they cheat or their story sounds implausible. For example, you ask your child where his money came from, the child may tell an unlikely story that his friend gave him the money. Questions about when, where, who was with them, in what order the events developed will lead to the identification of the veracity of history. However, some children will insist that their story is true despite the evidence.
How to wean a child from cheating.
- Discuss the problem with your child
- Check your suspicions.
If you suspect deception, check your suspicions immediately, do not wait for evidence that is not always possible to obtain.
- Tell your child about the problem and the consequences.
If you feel that the child is not telling the truth, describe the problem to him.
Kolya, you are not telling the truth, you have not made the bed.
And report the consequence:
You won't watch TV tonight or
You will go to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual.
Ignore resentment and complaints. Don't argue, don't refute your child's point of view. Just bring the consequences to life.
It is important to remember that first you need to deal with the deception, then with the problem to which it led and assign the consequences for both offenses.
For example, in a child's room you find a broken bedside lamp. You feel that the child is deceiving you about what happened and how.
For deception, the consequence may be deprivation of the privilege of going to bed later today. Setting aside some of the child's personal money for lamp repair may be a consequence of a breakdown.
Stick to agreements and return your child's privileges on time. For example, today he goes to bed 30 minutes earlier, but tomorrow everything will be according to the previous regime.
You may need to apply the consequences several times before the child understands your message and learns to speak the truth. Be consistent, predictable, and calm.
What to do if you feel the problem is getting serious
Lyudmila Petranovskaya, psychologist, laureate of the President of the Russian Federation in the field of education:
If a child lies a lot, often and in a sophisticated way, this is an alarming signal for adults. Not in the sense that the child is spoiled, but in the fact that he is afraid of them. Why is he afraid, does not trust, thinks that if he tells them about the problem, it will be worse - this must be thought about. And it is not necessary that he is afraid of serious punishment (although this happens often), sometimes he is afraid of notations, rejection. If a child knows that someone in the house should not be nervous because of illness, he is often afraid that because of him, a loved one will become ill. That is, if a child often lies to you, he is afraid either of you, or - for you.
The least lies are children of parents who know how to cope with life, from whom comes confidence, and parents who do not have to be afraid. If they get angry, they will not cross any boundaries, and they are aimed at solving problems, and not at punishing "so that he knows." But even with such wonderful parents, children sometimes lie. Children should try this strategy and see what happens. The task of the parents is to show that lying does not work and it is better to correct the situation by other means.
Summarize:
Talk to your child about what cheating is and why it is a problem.
- Tell your child to stop cheating.
- Talk to your child about the consequences of cheating on his part.
- Provide, arrange for the child to speak the truth.
- Praise the child for telling the truth.
- If you suspect your child is not telling the truth, act right away.
- Apply consequences for cheating and other problematic behavior.
Childhood lies and fantasy are very a fine line, therefore, parents do not always manage to distinguish fiction from outright deception. Why? There can be a great many reasons for this, but before trying to fix the situation, you will need to expose the true motive that provoked such behavior. Do not be surprised if you find a fear of punishment or mistakes in upbringing, or maybe this is just an attempt to paint your life with bright colors or to avoid ridicule from peers and adults, but children rarely use lies to get what they want.
Children's Inna Zaitseva believes that in order for a child wantedto tell the truth, an adult should show his disapproval and dislike of deception, but at the same time provide emotional support, thereby encouraging the baby to strive for a close, trusting relationship.
- Firmly but respectfully insist on putting the truth into words. Remember that haste is the worst helper, because even an adult needs time to make up his mind, and even more so for a child! To support him, you can make physical contact, taking the child by the hand or hugging the shoulders.
- Educators all over the world unanimously claim that personal example is the best way learning, so your truthfulness will show your child your sincere intentions and encourage reciprocal frank communication. The same behavior should be followed by all family members.
- If you want to be an understanding mother, then remain calm, promise not to scold your child, and patiently listen to the story from start to finish.
- As you help your child express the problem in words, you will find that the reason for the silence is not so much psychological factors as the poverty of the language.
- After reading fairy tales or stories in which the protagonist is a liar, whose deception comes out, explain in detail that a liar is always in a stupid position.
- Children love praise more than anything, so always show your approval with both words and touch. Thank the little ones for being candid to avoid fear of punishment.
- Always keep your word, and if you promised not to swear, then just listen to the child, even if in fact the situation frankly infuriates you.
The truth is different
Many parents believe that they still cannot perceive some information and it is better to protect him from it. What do some parents think? Why tell the kid that dad is a scoundrel, had a mistress and had to divorce him, you can come up with a beautiful story about a geologist, cosmonaut or intelligence officer performing a secret state assignment. There is no need to traumatize the child's psyche with knowledge of illness, death, adultery, betrayal, etc. It is better to pretend that these phenomena do not exist at all in life, the child is small, he may not understand, be frightened, fall into depression. “The grandmother went to her friend far, far away ...” - they tell the children about the deceased grandmother, instead of telling the truth about death, perhaps softening it with the statement that the grandmother is now in heaven and is watching us. Imagine young children sometimes get stressed out too. Why hurt, parents think, let him be in the dark, and sometime later, when he grows up, we will tell him everything, and he may understand us.
Why is the absence of truth dangerous?
So they hide from the child, for example, that his parents are adoptive, divorced, that the grandmother has died, and the mother is sick with an incurable disease. But in the end, trying to protect the child from such information, the parents: First of all,put it in artificial conditions life, where there is no death, betrayal, lies, problems, etc. That is, a whimsical mimosa or a violet that is afraid of drafts is grown. Children who are not adapted to life become adults who are not adapted to life, with whom then there will be a lot of trouble for themselves and those around them. After all, disappointment will fall on them like a hailstorm from a clear sky. And the consequences of such disappointments are difficult to predict.
Secondly, only delay stress. After all, everything secret always becomes apparent. Sometimes the discovery that those whom a person trusted have lied to him all his life becomes a real deep trauma for a child who has matured and learned the truth. In any case, it seems to the child that close people are not trustworthy.
Thus, it still turns out to be the most gentle option. She helps the little person to enter the complex adult world harmoniously. And be ready for any, the most unexpected and problematic turn of events.
Truth is neutral
Truth is never good or bad, difficult or easy. It seems to me that the child should be taught this so that he is not afraid of her. The truth is neutral. Only our attitude towards her paints her in terrible, black or rainbow tones.The truth is not worth hiding. But the attitude towards her needs to be worked out. First, the parents themselves, and then help the child learn how to properly respond to the truth.
It's no secret that many people do not know how. They come up with a thousand and one excuses so as not to accept it in the only form in which it exists. People have skillfully learned to bypass the truth, especially here, where everyone lies to each other, avoids taxes, alimony, responsibility, calls black white and applauds where it would be necessary to protest and disagree. We have been taught for centuries to be slaves who are content with beautiful lies and comforting illusions. We are comfortable in a fantasy world. And we do not want to allow other versions of events for anything, perceiving only that information that does not injure our psyche, is convenient and elevates us. We choose the convenient truth and teach this to our children.
Child learns to lie from parents
Children, unlike us, at first take everything at face value. They don't know why mom, who two minutes ago had a nice conversation with her neighbor, smiled at her and wished her well, turning her back and stepping aside, suddenly starts talking nasty things about her neighbor. Why does dad tell mom that he goes to work, and he goes fishing with friends. Why does a grandmother, when she comes to visit, scatter in compliments to your dad, and at home, in a conversation with grandfather, she vilifies him.The child very carefully observes, absorbs and repeats those deceitful patterns of behavior that adults demonstrate to him every day. You can declare your honesty and the need to tell the truth to your child a thousand times, but if you yourself are used to being insincere and constantly lying, you will never teach your baby this. The best education is education by example.
Whatever smart books you read to him, he will behave the way you behave with other people, and not like the goodies of books.
Tell your child the truth
Of course, you want to be an indisputable authority for your son or daughter, a person who is always strong and intelligent, who knows the answers to all questions and does the right thing. Otherwise, he will not listen to you and respect you. Children are maximalists, as soon as an adult loses his position as an older and more competent person, they immediately take his place and delete him from the lists of authoritative personalities. They will look for them anywhere. Among the teachers, neighbors, older comrades in the yard. Are you sure these new authorities will teach your children what you yourself would like to teach them?Then don't try to be an authority, but be one! Paradoxically, it is possible when you are sincere with your child. And you have the courage to tell him the truth, to show your weakness or insecurity, your sadness, your doubts. Let him see life as it is.
Only there is danger! Many adults want to be as sincere as possible and tell the child about their problems in all the adult details. Sometimes they even try to make the child an arbiter in their disputes. This is fundamentally wrong, since such a "truth" is essentially not the truth, but a transfer of their problems onto the fragile children's shoulders. For example, you tell your child, trying to be as sincere as possible, “I have no luck with my boss, I can't do this project, I probably don't have enough talents and abilities” - and what does the child hear? My parent, whom I trusted, whom I considered the strongest and most correct person in the world, turns out to be a complete nonentity. And respect for you is covered with a copper basin. How to be here?
How to find the right words and be understood and not lose credibility?
The most important thing that a child should know, no matter what happens to you, no matter what difficulties come, you love him, this will not affect your relationship, he will always be the most dear creature in the world for you. about yourself, adjusting to the age and level of perception of the child. You must always take into account that he does not have the experience and knowledge that you have. You are always older and smarter a priori just because you were born a couple of decades earlier. Keep your brand of senior.
Do not go into the personal details of your own grievances and complexes. Speaking the truth, try to look at her not with your own, but with someone else's, better with children's eyes. It is difficult for a child to understand your attitude towards his mother-in-law, because for him she is a grandmother who loves him madly. Put yourself in the child's shoes.
Try not to present yourself as a complete insignificance, a scumbag, a helpless rag, a hysteric, a confused person. The child, who himself is still extremely confused in this large and complex world, simply cannot cope with additional problems. You have to deal with them yourself! Try to find a way out of a difficult situation for yourself first, and then share with him.
Of course, you can ask your baby for advice. Or offer him to put himself in your place: "What would you do in my place?" And get a maximalist childish answer. You can even follow children's advice and feel on one leg with own childthinking that this is the highest degree of trust and friendship. But do not flatter yourself. Deep down, a child wants to be not an advisor or an arbiter, but someone who can turn to you for advice.
Telling the truth is generally not easy, and children are a hundred times more difficult. But if adults do not do this, we risk eventually drowning in the stream of ugly, ubiquitous lies.
Many parents are interested in the question: "What if the child is telling a lie?" The most important rule is not to use violence or humiliate children. It is important to create a supportive, trusting relationship, but here's how to do it, below. How to act if the child is lying?
1. Do not scream in conversation!
If a child, at the slightest offense, hears your threats, tantrums, a desire to grab a belt, then lies cannot be avoided. After all, it is easier for a kid to lie than to be punished.
2. Don't be silent about the problem!
If you caught the child in a lie, try to clarify the situation, understand why he made such a decision. Take note of the following communication style: “Did you lie because you were afraid to tell the truth? Let's discuss this so that the situation does not repeat itself in the future! "
3. Encourage your child to be honest.
Even if the truth is "bitter", praise the child for daring to tell you everything as it really is, without embellishing the events.
4. Don't lie yourself
Remember, children follow their parents' example, so be the standard of honesty for them.
5. Learn to forgive and forget mistakes
If the child lied, talk, discuss the situation, take a promise that this will not happen again. Forget about what happened, never remind you of the mistakes that were made.
6. Don't fall for manipulation
Children often manipulate adults. You can often hear from a child: "And my grandmother allowed me to play with the computer!" While the grandfather is totally against it. In this case, it is important for adults to agree among themselves, to come to a common point of contact. It is impossible for one to permit and the other to forbid. Thus, you yourself create situations in which it is easier for the child to lie and get what he wants.
7. Love your children!
Don't be lazy to tell them about it every day. If the child feels support from the parents, there will be no problems with lying.
There is a very thin line between childish lies and fantasy. How to distinguish fantasizing from untruth, and where is the reason for the latter: fear of punishment, wrong parenting style, or something else? How to teach a child to tell the truth and help him do it in a timely manner?
Why do children fantasize and why do they lie
Trying to understand whether the child is inventing or lying, try to analyze the motives of his behavior. Fantasies have the goal of coloring the life of a kid, enlivening his story, or softening unpleasant experiences. They can be considered a kind of game that does not pursue any benefit. As for the lie, it is used by the child either in order to avoid punishment, ridicule and lengthy explanations, or to get what he wants.
Dreamers. Children who hide the truth behind fantasies, as a rule, have a bright temperament that does not allow them to put up with routine and boredom. Their imaginations continually produce alternate reality scenarios according to which events could unfold. But instead of saying: "It would be great if there was a time machine in the attic!" the child says: "And we have a time machine in the attic - can you imagine ?!"
Due to their age and rich imagination, many children do not differentiate between reality and fantasy, perceiving film plots as phenomena of everyday life. For example, the rustles in the hallway produced by the cat, the child interprets as evidence of the presence of the Smurfs there.
In some cases, fantasies serve as an UNCONSCIOUS defense against painful information. So, a child from an incomplete family can excitedly tell friends about his father-traveler, who will not have time to arrive from the mouth of the Amazon for a school holiday. Forcing the dreamer to admit that this is a fiction is to inflict serious injury on him. After all, he himself believes in what he says!
Liars. Children's deception differs from the lies of adults in its shortsightedness. If a mature person is telling a lie, counting on several moves ahead, then the child simply hides from reality, without thinking about the consequences. These are the most common causes of child deception.
1) Fear of punishment. Perhaps this is the most common reason, according to which children are not telling the truth. Even if the child has never been properly punished, he may be afraid of parental anger, because he heard from other children that they are deprived of the TV for a broken toy or even beaten. Therefore, the more persistently the parent achieves the truth, the more persistently the child insists on a false version of what happened: since adults are so annoyed, not knowing the truth, what will happen after the confession?
It is not so difficult to understand that a child is not telling the truth. You may be struck by the feigned fun or amazing obedience that the child demonstrates immediately after the conversation. So he tries to reassure his parents that everything is in order.
For a child to decide on recognition, it is important to demonstrate their desire to understand him, and not just get to the bottom of the truth. Try to be kind and let your child know what to expect after he tells the truth. For example: "Please explain how the toy broke, and we will go and drink tea." It is important that the kid understands that you are trying to understand the reasons for what happened and help him, and not find a reason for punishment.
2) Fear of ridicule. In this case, the child protects hobbies or events in his life from the attention of adults. Having caught notes of condescension in the tone of his parents, he "closes". As a result, he answers all questions in denial or says what he believes they want to hear from him. For example, your son can assure you that it was not he who took out a package with his old toys from the closet, so that there would be no doubt about his "adulthood". It will be possible to earn the child's trust only when you show a sincere interest in his hobbies, even if this goes against your ideas about what he should get carried away with. Let's say you can remember where the old toy was bought, express your joy at its perfect preservation, and then offer to play with it together. Perhaps at the end of the game he will say: "You know, I found her!"
3) Thirst for profit. In an effort to get what they want, a child often tries to evoke pity, tenderness, or guilt in adults by lying. So, if a daughter wants to buy her new doll, she can talk with a suffering face that the old hair has stopped combing, her arms do not bend, and her head does not turn. Proof of the falsity of these statements may be a refusal in response to an adult's offer to fix it, or at least look at the described problems.
If you notice a child's insincerity, tell him directly about it: “I see that you really want a new doll. But you don't have to scold the old one. We can talk about what kind of gift you want to receive for your birthday or on March 8th. " This kind of dialogue will help the child understand that being open about what he wants increases the chances of success.
The truth and only the truth!
It is difficult for a child who is not used to making a willful effort on himself in order not to succumb to the flow of vivid associations or admit unsightly actions, it is difficult to understand why it is necessary to tell the truth. It seems to him that it is important for others, and not for himself. Try to dissuade him.
1. Security. Tell your child a parable about a boy who jokingly shouted: "Wolves, wolves!" - and people believed him, and then in a moment of real danger no one came to the rescue. Admit to your son or daughter that it is difficult for you to take complaints of abdominal pain seriously if the same symptoms were once invented in order not to go to kindergarten.
2. Maintaining trust. Ask your child how he would treat a person who promised to give him a toy and therefore gave it to someone else? Or, for example, he said that he would not go for a walk, but went to the park with a company? Explain to your baby that no one will count him. good friendif he does not live up to someone else's trust. If a person is carried away by his fantasies or deliberately lies, others are lost and do not understand who he really is, therefore they prefer to communicate with more predictable people.
3. An objective assessment of oneself. Tell your child about interesting features of human memory: when you tell the same fictional story many times, it is easy to forget what really happened. Therefore, "chronic" fantasizing or lying get in the way of being honest with yourself. Give an example of a situation when children tell each other "horror stories", and then they themselves begin to be afraid of what they have invented. Or there are cases when people refer to “a sore leg” or “uncomfortable shoes” that interfere with dancing, and are afraid to admit to themselves that they simply cannot move beautifully to the music. It may be difficult for a child to understand what self-assessment is, but let him know about this danger of lying. By returning to this topic from time to time, you will help your son or daughter see the importance of being honest with yourself.
How to teach a child to be truthful?
In order for a child to WANT to tell the truth, it is important for parents to strike a balance in their reactions to lies and fantasies. On the one hand, you need to demonstrate to the baby that his lie is noticeable, and it offends them. On the other hand, it is necessary to demonstrate your understanding of the difficulties experienced by the child and provide emotional support so that he strives for a trusting relationship.
1. Firmly but kindly insist that the child tell the truth. However, take your time and take a short break. Even an adult needs time to gather courage, and even a kid even more so! While the child is silent, support him by holding his hand, hugging or squatting next to him.
2. Show understanding. Promise not to swear and stay calm throughout the baby's story. This will give the baby confidence and, seeing your sincere desire to understand the situation, he will prefer to get rid of a heavy burden.
3. Explain that the secret always becomes apparent. Give some real life examples where deception was unexpectedly revealed, and the liar found himself in an absurd position. Read to your son or daughter a story about semolina porridge from the book Deniskin's Stories. This will help the child to make sure that cheating not only does not solve the problem, but also makes it worse.
4. Help me find words. Do not forget that recognition for a child can be difficult not only for psychological reasons, but also because of the poverty of the language. Together, formulating the problem and clarifying certain words, you can get to the bottom of the truth.
5. Lead by example. Talking about any troubles that happened to you, you will inadvertently push the child to return frankness. Reassure other family members not to use the “salvation lie” with your child. So, you should not indulge a grandmother who offers her grandson to tell dad that the examples in the notebook have been solved without her help. Indeed, by doing so, she offers a ready-made scheme of deception that the child will use in similar situations. Thanks to the "cult of truth" supported at home, the kid will see that it is possible to cope with an unpleasant situation with dignity without lying.
6. Maintain a sense of self-esteem in your child. Try to emphasize the value of the individual characteristics and interests of a son or daughter more often. Then, if peers invite him to jump from a high slide, the child will not come up with uncomfortable shoes, but will offer a less risky game.
7. Praise your honesty. Even if you had to persuade the kid to tell the truth for a long time, at the end of the conversation thank him for his frankness. Let the child know that a timely confession can save him from punishment.
8. Keep this promise. If you told your child that you will not scold him, carefully monitor your tone and facial expression, even if you are very upset. Truth for truth!
How to preserve "useful" fantasy?
Imagination is necessary for solving creative and problematic tasks that require a non-standard approach. Therefore, it is impossible to fight with children's inventions, calling them "nonsense" or "lies" and belittling them in this way. The child may have a feeling that this is something shameful and unnecessary. It is necessary to outline a range of phenomena in which fantasy will be encouraged by the parent: in games, theatrical performances, needlework, etc.
1. Encourage invention. Try to share your child's fantasies by making them play together. This way, you can correct them, helping to establish cause-effect relationships and find logical errors. The ability to build consistent concepts is a valuable property of scientific thinking.
2. Make daydreaming a hobby. Theater, cartoon studios and other circles with a pronounced creative focus will help the child find expression for his ideas.
3. Make your fantasies come true. Listen carefully to childhood fantasies to find a way to make them come true. Help your child make a time machine out of a large cardboard box, comb the doll with your daughter like Princess Leia, and he will gain valuable experience in achieving cherished goals. In the future, his fantasies will turn into bold plans, for which the child will draw up a specific algorithm of actions.
No matter how alarming and annoying children's fictions are, try to perceive them as a mirror reflecting the child's perception of reality. By helping him deal with difficult situations, you will not only earn trust, but also teach him an objective view of life.
Text: Maria Baulina
