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The first step from the beautiful half of humanity is extremely rarely expected, but what if you liked a man, and you can never wait for his initiative?

In our society, it is generally accepted that a man should be the first to show attention to the lady he likes, using the most various ways from banal compliments and flirtations to staging any atypical situations. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to play a more passive role, which involves a favorable or not very acceptance of signs of attention from one or another man, writes DELFI.ua.

However, recently, due to the increasing spread of the idea of ​​gender equality or even radical feminism in the world, women have begun to show more sympathy for the man they really like on their own. There is nothing unusual in such a desire of beautiful ladies, but so far not all of them are able to beautifully and elegantly make it clear to a man that they liked him. It can be done different ways, which we will consider in more detail.

unobtrusive flirting

A win-win way to show any man that you really like him is unobtrusive light flirting. However, it is worth using this method carefully and dosed so as not to look ridiculous or ridiculous in the eyes of the representative of the stronger sex you are interested in. Excessive obsession will also not lead to anything good, so flirting should be subtle and elegant.

Do not forget about non-verbal signals, which are considered one of the most effective for flirting. The simplest expression of interest through so-called body language is to turn your torso towards the man you like. With the same success, you can turn not the entire body in his direction, but only the toes of the shoes or one leg if you are sitting in a “foot to foot” position. During a conversation, you can, as if by chance, touch the hand of the man you are interested in, and thereby make it clear on a subconscious level that you like him.

You can also try to "mirror" his gestures, repeating the slight tilt of the head, the position of the hands, and the like. Such actions contribute to the appearance of your interlocutor's disposition towards you and a more relaxed flow of conversation. It is only very important not to overdo it so as not to look comical. Even the simplest smile can help you express your sympathy without any words, and an open “eye to eye” look will make it clear that you are completely absorbed by the man who is sitting opposite.

"Innocent" friendship

If you want to not only make it clear to this or that man that you like him, but also guaranteed to arouse reciprocal sympathy on his part, then it would be best to simply make friends with him. Such friendships are best built on the basis of some common interests, for example, hobbies for dogs, attending various sports sections, etc. If such intersections are not observed, then you should begin to be keenly interested in what the man you like is fond of. Believe me, even if it seems to you that it is impossible to find common ground, you just need to show a little ingenuity and female cunning to find out from the friends of the guy you are interested in or from him all his passions and hobbies, and then start building friendships based on them.

Over time, such an “innocent” at first glance friendship is quite easy to translate into a romantic relationship. Men really like it when a woman is sincerely interested in their hobbies, and they quickly become attached to their girlfriends. However, it is very important to let a man know in time that you no longer want to be just a friend for him, so that he does not burn out and throw his attention to another lady who does not hesitate to show her interest in him.

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You can also strike up a friendship with a guy you like, as if by chance, constantly communicating in the same company. To do this, you will first have to make friends with some girl from his social circle so that she introduces you to their company; this will allow you to immediately become at least a little “your person”. Another option is to attract a young man of interest to your company with the help of your girlfriend's brother or boyfriend. This strategy is a little dangerous to use, because the guy you like so much may well be interested in some other girl from your company or even your girlfriend, which is fraught with the development of serious competition or even enmity. To prevent this from happening, you should immediately make it clear to your girlfriends that you have certain views on this particular man.

Request for help

Most men love to feel like all-powerful defenders of the weak half of humanity, and, if necessary, you can use this for your own purposes. So, if you ask a man who is interesting to you to fix a faucet, change a tire in a car, or do any other male work, then this will only play into your hands. A woman turning to a man for help, as if automatically makes it clear that she likes him, because among all the representatives of the stronger sex she has now chosen him. In addition, the man himself in such a situation pays close attention to the woman and quite often finds her quite attractive in order to continue acquaintance in a more relaxed atmosphere, and then, perhaps, to start a romantic relationship with her.

With any request for help, you should try to make it clear to the man that you specifically chose him, because you consider him the strongest, smartest and resourceful. In addition, you were allegedly repeatedly told in advance that he simply brilliantly knows how to repair a tap in the kitchen, change wheels in a car, reinstall some program on a computer, etc. Men really love it when they appreciate their abilities, and they, in turn, begin to appreciate the girl who is able to notice their uniqueness.

sincere laughter

Most men are very fond of laughers who sincerely laugh at their jokes, even if they seem to everyone else not so funny. Every man believes that it is he who has a simply unsurpassed sense of humor, and the woman who will constantly confirm this with her open natural laughter will become for him the personification of an ideal life partner. Of course, with the help of laughter alone, it will be quite difficult to completely captivate a man into your networks, but it is quite possible to make it clear that you feel sympathy for him.

If you decide to stick to such a strategy and laugh at all the jokes of the man you are interested in, it is very important to follow it to the end and not show that in fact sometimes you are not so funny. For a man, there is nothing worse than humiliated pride, and he will take insincere admiration for his sense of humor just like that. However, if you manage to start a long-term romantic relationship with a man, then over time you can begin to treat his jokes a little more coolly; however, at first, it will take some time to match the image of an easy and carefree laughter.

sincere confession

The riskiest way to let this or that man know that you are interested in him is to tell him about it directly. The result of such a frank confession is often completely unpredictable, and not every woman will decide on this. The reaction of a man largely depends on whether he likes you or not. So, if a man has a clear sympathy for you or is in love with you, then he is likely to perceive such recognition very positively. At the same time, even if he outwardly tries to remain unperturbed, then by individual gestures, facial expressions and tone of speech, it will not be difficult for any woman to understand that he really likes the whole situation very much.

You can also use a softer version of recognition by trying to hint to a man about your interest in him, however, it should be borne in mind that few guys understand such hints. However, if a man himself has long secretly dreamed of having an affair with you, then he can adequately interpret your hint. If you are of no interest to him, then most likely he simply will not understand you, or he will understand you completely differently than you need.

Whatever way you choose to express your sympathy for a certain man, know that the main thing is to act, because, as they say, “water does not flow under a lying stone.” If you wait a long time for the man you like to pay attention to you, then you can not wait for anything. However, if you are not afraid to show your interest, then you can easily start a beautiful romantic relationship, which over time will develop into a strong family union.

If you are still in doubt, then pay attention to the dating stories of many “star” couples, in which it was the woman who overcame her shyness and made it clear to the man that she was not indifferent to him. Such a beginning of the relationship made them even stronger and more trusting, and the husbands of their brave lovers, as a rule, throughout their lives with pride and genuine delight that has not faded over the years of living together, remember how their wife was the first to show her interest.

“A person lives in two dimensions – bodily and spiritual,” says Father Andrei. “Even without a spiritual life, a person feels flawed, suffering from the incompleteness of being.”

Everyone has their own way to God. Someone has trodden the cherished path for a long time, and someone only during the illness discovered the need for communication with God and spiritual consolation.

How to come to the temple? How to find your temple and your priest? Who to contact for clarification and information support? The answers to these questions are given byRotopriest Andrei Bliznyuk - Cleric of the Church of St. Nicholas in the Kuznetsk Sloboda, head of the Church Assistance in Emergency Situations, certified priest-rescuer, duty officer of the All-Russian hotline for psychological assistance to cancer patients "Clear Morning", teacher of St. Tikhon Humanitarian University and St. Peter's Orthodox School.

Baptism. Altai

– It happens that, only when faced with an illness, a woman feels the need to communicate with God, to strengthen her faith, in the comforting power of prayer.

- Man is a spiritual being. We need the spirit world. If we do not know about it, if we exist outside of it, we feel our orphanhood. Man worries until he finds God. A wise man once said: "A man has a hole in his soul the size of God." And how a person fills this hole depends on his inner life, which is expressed in dignity, spiritual intuition, understanding the meaning of life, the meaning of what is happening, both joy and suffering. The soul has a need to seek God. One saint, the Monk Silouan of Athos, wonderfully said: "My soul always misses God." People are trying in vain to fill this hole with anything - sectarian spiritual surrogates, shopping, alcohol, entertainment, sweets. And it is filled only with the spiritual.

In this fuss, it is sometimes difficult for a modern person to take care of his soul, he puts everything off - somehow later I read the Bible, then I go to the temple ... Therefore, there are such wonderful opportunities as the helpline of the Mercy help service in Moscow, your website, probably, too will participate. People through you will contact the priest, ask questions. This is good.

– What is necessary for the first conscious visit to the temple? Do you need to prepare somehow? Like reading the Bible?

Reading the Bible is a difficult task. This is a book that has been written for several millennia, it has more than forty authors. In it, in addition to books of historical, prophetic, there are those that are generally for the age of 18+. Until the 16th century, Russia lived and read only the Gospel, only then the Scriptures were completely translated. In essence, when we Christians say “Bible”, we mean, first of all, the Gospel, which in Greek means “good news”. The words of Christ, His deeds, His miracles, the person of Christ are the foundation of Christianity.

The temple is not where candles are placed and not where some rituals are performed. The first thing a person should imagine when crossing the threshold of a temple is that God is waiting for him here. He is mysterious, he meets you invisibly, but he will hear your every thought, every breath, every wish. If you are in the temple, God has already heard you. And even if you do everything wrong: drop the candles, fill everything around with wax, even if the grandmas shout at you - all this does not matter, because the meeting took place. You did not come to grandmothers, nor to a priest, even the most intelligent and attentive, you came to God. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. God is beyond convention. He is waiting for you just the way you are. You are His beloved daughter, and sick children are generally the most beloved. The main thing is to open your soul towards you, and the Lord will help you.

The Savior in the Church of the Life-Giving Trinity in Vishnyaki

– It happens: the temple is famous, praying, but does not cause a feeling of comfort. What is it - pride or a hint of the heart? How to choose your temple?

There is no spiritual difference. If a divine liturgy is served in a church, it means that the Lord is there. These are simply psychological features of our perception, which is often focused on the external. But after all, if we perceive people only by appearance we will never find friends. I remember how it happens in life ... My first friends at school were generally those with whom I first had a fight. It happens to boys. You socialize, and then you begin to look not at the muscles, but at the words and deeds. And former enemies sometimes turn out to be friends. So it is in the temple. At first it may seem that the head is spinning, that there is no strength to stand on your feet for a long time. And here you don’t have to be embarrassed, you need to sit on a bench, or bring a chair with you, or leave the temple, sit in the air, and then come back again. These are completely natural processes.

– Beginners often feel like outsiders in the temple. Who can help a new parishioner settle into church life?

- Of course, it would be better to find a priest with whom you can consult. Therefore, now in all churches there are priests on duty. People who are new to the church, who don’t know something, don’t understand, specially come outside the service (because during the service the priest is not ready to answer questions). Here I am today the priest on duty in our church. And you, for example, came up, called me through the watchman and said: “We are in the temple for the first time, where to start?” Or: “We want to pray for the health of a loved one who is sick. How can we do it? And I have to sit you down and explain everything to you.

For health, we perform a moleben, pray at the liturgy, we can come home, perform the rites - confess, take communion, unction, there are such sacraments for the sick. The priest on duty explains all this and leaves, if necessary. So my advice is this: find a temple that you like, find its website on the Internet, call the number indicated there and say: “Can I talk to the priest on duty?” This is if you don’t have the strength to go to the temple, or if it’s easier for you on the phone at first. If the priest has left for a request, you will simply be asked to call back later.

Of course, situations are different. We have many priests in our church. And it happens that there are only two priests, and even in a densely populated residential area. Then, of course, they are torn apart. Record two weeks in advance to invite them home. We must not be embarrassed and turn to another temple. There are thousands of churches in Moscow! And the Lord, he just leads, brings you to a meeting with that priest, with that temple, which eventually becomes your home.

City of Tutaev, Yaroslavl region

– How can one lead a spiritual life at home if a woman temporarily does not have the strength to go to services, to take communion?

- We need to invite the priest to the house. You can pray both in the temple and at home, but such a sacrament as communion can only be performed by a priest.

Communion is the foundation of church life. This is why God became incarnate. Grace can also be received through prayer, and before the Nativity of Christ, people also received grace-filled help. But God wanted more. He offered himself to the people as a kindred. In order to intermarry with people, God became a man - after all, it is possible to intermarry with a man. Communion, a person becomes a consanguineous relative of God. He becomes His beloved son or daughter. Becoming a part of Christ. That's what it means to "take communion."

The apostolic rule is to take communion once every two weeks. And it would be nice to follow this rule. If there is no this spiritual nourishment, the person begins to suffer. So it would be good to gradually enter into church rhythms, to arrange your spiritual life.

- Is it necessary to fast if a woman is only recovering after serious therapy, or is it better to follow the recommendations of doctors?

- Fasting, as the Russian people said, is not in the belly, but in the spirit. Therefore, the sick, of course, do not fast like healthy people, but to the best of their ability. Patients with diabetes do not fast at all, we commune them after meals, because they definitely need to eat before leaving the house.

Fasting is not canonical obstacles, but disciplinary preparations. And of course, all patients have relief. Sometimes you even have to persuade them not to keep the post so strictly. The disease itself already puts a person in a state of spiritual struggle. We fast in order to concentrate ourselves a little, to focus on the main thing, on our desire to meet God. And now the disease has built everything. A sick person already has a diet and strict rhythms. Why tighten the screws even more, so to speak?

Post, what is it? It is to give up entertainment, from lightweight programs that flicker all the time and give you a superficial, carnival, vain rhythm. Real fasting is a state of silence and creativity. Time for spiritual enlightenment. As St. Gregory of Nyssa said, “each of us is a painter own life. Our soul is like a canvas, virtues are colors; Jesus Christ is the image from which we must copy.

P Rotopriest Andrei Bliznyuk

In the next conversation with Father Andrei, we will touch on the topics of miraculous icons, attitudes towards death, and preparing children to get acquainted with the terrible concept of “cancer”.

You have the opportunity to ask your question to the priest. Write to the address [email protected] We will pass on your questions to Father Andrey.

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Old traditions are not easily dying out. Can be three times modern woman, manage a department of 50 people, ride a bike, and if necessary, without blinking an eye, deal with the electrical panel ... But do not find the courage to be the first to approach the man you like. Because it's not accepted. What will he think? What if he doesn't like me?.. Maybe these fears really have a basis? Or is it high time for the desperate and self-confident Amazons of our time to take the initiative in relationships into their own hands?

The strong sex is traditionally assigned the role of a hunter. Even if the man you are interested in is engaged in exclusively peaceful office work, prefers checkers to all sports, and grows gladioli at his leisure, offensive actions are expected from him. It is he who must show interest, make efforts, enchant, conquer and conquer you, feignedly inaccessible! When a man does nothing for a long time, it is confusing. Most of the girls in such a situation decide that they have nothing to count on here and dutifully wait for a more enterprising knight.

But the indecision of your chosen one does not always mean that you have nothing to catch here. Men have many different reasons not to hurry with the first step.

• Another woman. If he already has a girlfriend and changing her to a new one is not included in the plans of a man, nothing can be done. Immediately switch to other contenders for your heart so as not to waste time in vain.
• Timidity. Yes, yes, a hefty guy with an oblique fathom in his shoulders and brutal stubble on his chin can be just as afraid to approach a woman as a high school student in love. And the more he liked you, the longer the man will walk in circles, waiting for the right moment and gaining courage.
• Complexes. It is generally accepted that only girls tend to look for real and fictional shortcomings in themselves. A man, they say, always considers himself an enviable prize - with a beer belly, bald patches and the last hundred in a leaky wallet ... Nothing like that! The stronger sex also has plenty of its own cockroaches, from which neither a pleasant appearance nor an enviable position in society can save.

• Inertia. If a man is a recognized handsome man, utterly spoiled by ladies' attention, he may simply not be able to care. And why, if potential girlfriends themselves are ready to line up?
• Heavy break. It may be so: he just broke up with a previous girlfriend with a scandal and is afraid to repeat the same experience with you.
• Relationship fear. Perhaps the man understands that a casual relationship is not what you need now, but he is not yet ready to offer something more.
• Desire for a serious relationship. The situation is exactly the opposite: if a person has already “ripened” to the idea of ​​starting a family, then he will approach the choice of a life partner with extreme caution. Give yourself time to look at you and appreciate your positive qualities.
• Cunning. He noticed you a long time ago, appreciated you and even managed to attract your attention. And then he went into the shadows for a while to intrigue even more. What an effective tactic!

Of all these reasons, only the first one is absolutely disastrous, or the option in which the man really did not like you. It happens, because tastes do not argue. You can, of course, change your hair from blonde to brunette to suit the preferences of a capricious gentleman and launch a real campaign to conquer him. But will the result be worth the effort? After all, you can't tell your heart. But in all other cases, something can and should be done.

How to take the first step yourself

• Show your interest. If every time the chosen one appears, you put on a mask Snow Queen and by all means you hide your feelings, you can wait for active actions on his part to gray hair. Friendly "Hi!" instead of the impersonal “Good afternoon”, the joyful “Oh, I was just thinking about you!” and a sincere smile are the first means of seduction.
• Watch postures and gestures. If you are clamped, constrained and resemble a high school student in an exam with an unnaturally straight back and hands folded on your knees, the desire to communicate with you will quickly disappear. Relax your shoulders (but don't slouch!), casually toss a strand of hair off your forehead, cross your legs and play with your shoe... Let the man know that you are easy and calm next to him.

• Touch. Brush a speck of dust off his sleeve. Correct your badge if it's at a conference or meeting. As if by chance, in thought, touch your hand. If a man feels even the slightest inclination towards you, such things do not go unnoticed by him.
• Set up a casual date. Do you know that he likes serious music? Enthusiastically announce: a concert of an orchestra led by Spivakov is taking place in a neighboring city, and you intend to visit it! The interlocutor will probably readily offer to keep you company. Interested in history? Lament loudly that for the third year you have been dreaming of looking at the reconstruction of the Battle of Kulikovo, but you just can’t gather like-minded people for the trip. But try not to make it look fake! If yesterday you called re-enactors idiots, and today you are inflamed with passion for their activities, it will look at least strange.
• Ask for help. Two rules: choose the area in which the man is well versed and do not be too intrusive. A one-time favor will make him feel like your savior protector, but constant requests will tire him out and make you think you are using him.
• Learn to listen. Scarlett O'Hara's recipe "to talk about himself, and then gradually, imperceptibly transfer to yourself and then stick to this topic" has not been working for a hundred years. Ask questions, insert comments on the case so that the interlocutor does not think that you fell asleep during his monologue. Laugh at jokes! But don't overdo it. False enthusiasm for completely banal stories from childhood is sure to raise doubts about your sincerity.
• An option for the very slow-witted: tell about your feelings bluntly. But not in the style of “I love, I can’t live without you!” Such a confession will cause nothing but tension, and put you both in an unpleasant position. Say something like "I like you" and see how the man reacts to it. If your feeling is not mutual, you can always play back and pretend that it was about friendly affection.
• If you feel that he is not indifferent to him, distance yourself for a while. You have already taken the first step, now it's the man's turn.

Whichever path you choose, take care of yourself before you take decisive action. Pretty haircut, perfect manicure and fashionable, fitted clothes will add to your self-confidence, and, therefore, attractiveness.

In what cases is it better to do without taking the initiative?

• He has a girlfriend. Words about happiness that is not built on other people's tears are not invented from scratch.
• A man favorably accepts your signs of attention, but does not try to provide them himself. Or he sincerely considers himself a gift that you will be obliged to serve reverently for the rest of your life in gratitude for having condescended to you. Either he considers you as a temporary option - since I am still free and there is a woman who is not indifferent to me, why not spin a non-committal romance?
• In your heart you understand that you are not made for action. Well, not everyone can take the city by storm. Instead of gritting your teeth and breaking yourself, return to easy female flirting. In capable hands, this is also a terrible force!
• Your interest in this person has arisen recently. What if the relationship starts, and the feelings cool down in a week? I'll have to quickly look for another article called "How to take the first step towards a break"!
• The man clearly feels sympathy for you. Give him a couple more days - you look, and he will decide on something.

Video: how to understand that a guy likes you?

A survey conducted by employees of the University of California at San Francisco showed that 72% of guys expect the first step in a relationship from a girl. In the course of the same study, it turned out that only 25% of girls are ready to be the first to show their sympathy to a guy.

Nine out of ten girls I interviewed believe that the first step should always be taken by a man. Nine surveyed boys - which is better when a woman does it. The tenth is ready to take the initiative, but is already busy. Simple mathematics shows that only one girl has a chance for a successful personal life, and then if she tries hard.

But what about the instinct of the hunter, courtship and gifts, serenades under the windows?

Step forward as a basic instinct

In nature, most often the male attracts the female, and not vice versa. All bright feathers, combs, colorful fins, horns, hooves and festive dances are aimed at seducing a shy and inconspicuous individual of the weaker sex. In modern human society, everything happens differently. Feathers, rhinestones, sequins and other embellishments are included traditional outfit women. This also includes make-up, hairstyles, manicures and pedicures, and - what is there - just the habit of regularly showering and using deodorant. I'm not talking about depilation - and please don't prove that you are doing it for yourself. I still don't believe it. What about push-up bras? Beauty injections? Hair extensions?

Men live less. They are mowed down by wars, bad habits and the resulting diseases. Those that remain retain their marketable appearance longer without putting much effort into it. By definition, they do not have cellulite, their body does not tend to accumulate fat in case of the birth of a child, wrinkles, like scars, only paint them.

In addition to the quantitative shortfall, the issue of quality also plays a role. A huge percentage of guys are raised by grandmothers and mothers, without paternal support and a strong belt. Such boys get used to being cared for and cared for, fed and clothed. In a word, they generally do not like to strain too much.

In addition, no matter how trite it may sound, men are simply afraid of us. Not because we are such stunning beauties, but because, God forbid, we just show our interest - we will immediately have to meet, introduce our parents, get married, buy a fur coat. And then explain that you just wanted - no, not casual sex, but, for example, just one non-binding date. Well, this initiative, it is better to sit at home.

In the current conditions, girls have to work hard on themselves in order to win back at least some guy. And be active, because even a Miss World with a Nobel Prize in mathematics and a black belt in Kama Sutra can never be sure that she will not meet old age in the company of twenty-five Siamese cats.

Step forward or initiative is punishable

Once my friend received an SMS from an employee with a very simple text: "I want you." He thought she was joking. Or mocking. In a word, he ignored the message. At the next corporate party, she drank half a bottle of martini and attacked him in the toilet. He ran away, and then asked the authorities to transfer him to the other end of the open space under the pretext of poor lighting. In short, they didn't get anything.

My friend once in a bar decided to write her phone number with lipstick on a napkin and give it to the guy she liked. The number was a success: he wrote her an sms (he was too shy to call). They corresponded for a long time, until a friend herself insisted on a meeting. The young man turned out to be impossibly indecisive and lack of initiative. And they didn't work either.

Another friend fell deeply in love with a man who was older than her. He had a career and status in society, and she had absolutely nothing but good looks and innate, but not yet particularly realized talents. Then she began to methodically achieve him, but not with calls and notes, but by painstaking work on herself. I went to the gym every day, read non-fiction and took French lessons, and then casually started talking about my favorite postmodern writers when we met. They got it all. They met for five years, and then broke up ... on her initiative. At some point, she realized that she had already outgrown him. Sometimes it happens.

How men treat women who take the first step towards

“If the initiative comes from a woman, then a man then does not appreciate such a woman in the long term. To appreciate her, he must seek her, feel like a hunter,” says my friend Nastya. The authors of the book "The Rules. How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams" Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider agree with her. The main idea of ​​the 1995 bestseller can be stated in a simple thesis: a girl should be impregnable. Like a princess sitting in an ivory tower, a real lady should proudly tower over her admirer and only occasionally give him a favorable look, answer only every fourth of his messages and not go to his house until he himself has visited her three times. audiences.

It smacks of gross calculation and manipulation. In general, at the top of the tower, they say, it is very boring and see through. But what if the prince finally comes, asks you to throw down the braid, and she has already turned gray? What if he doesn't even know you're waiting for him?

Step forward - the main thing is to stop in time

But they say that it was thanks to the "Rules" that Blake Lively once caught Leonardo DiCaprio (of course, her long legs and luxurious hair had nothing to do with it). Judging by the fact that Blake and Leo broke up less than six months later, this monumental work does not work well in the long run. But it also contains sensible advice - for example, Ellen and Sherry do not recommend wasting their time on men who ignore you. Of course, you can't tell your heart.

Sometimes he does not call, not because the phone is broken, the third world war has come, or he was kidnapped by Somali pirates, but simply because he does not want to. And, if you have already taken the first step, then it’s definitely not worth exchanging for the second and tenth.

- Love is, of course, a gift. You can't force anyone to love you. And yet, you can be a person who is easier to love, whom many people love, and you can be a person who is more difficult to love and generally love. What are the internal people who can be loved constantly, for a long time?

A full-fledged relationship of love implies stability, the psychological maturity of both partners, their readiness for joint growth. So, if I am stable, and at the same time curious about life, then it seems to me that people with similar needs will be interested in me. It is more interesting to live when life is a kind of adventure. I'm not talking about the fact that it always has to be life at high speeds, continuous fireworks. But when life is an adventure, then for a joint trip it seems natural to choose such a person as a fellow traveler who has such important quality like a zest for life, but at the same time able to take care of himself.

- Probably, by “curiosity” you also mean the property of a person to rejoice at what he sees in this journey, some of his liveliness, cheerfulness?

Yes. It can also be called the word "faith". The belief that even if it is difficult now, then these difficulties have some meaning and, having passed through them, you will find yourself in the next stage of life. If this feeling does not exist, if a person falls into despondency, into despair, then there really is no forward movement, and such a situation is quite dangerous. The quality that I called curiosity intersects with the theme of joy and faith, that is, with what needs to be cultivated in oneself, what requires our attention.

- It seems to me that when I am looking for a fellow traveler, first of all, I choose a person who wants to move in the same direction as me, because whatever all the other qualities are, if we move in different directions, then we do not have get a common path.

In any case, two different people look at the world a little differently. Everyone goes their own way in the formation of a worldview, so discussions, disagreements, exchange of experience are part of a deep relationship. But if, when choosing a partner for serious relationship it turns out that you and him look completely different directions and imagine the values ​​​​in this world in completely different ways, then, deciding to go with such a companion on a long and risky journey, you take on additional risk. I think this is unreasonable.

Therefore, a person who wants to experience on his way must be true to himself. Of course, some of our beliefs may not be to our liking. There is a sadness inherent in this world in this: it is not possible to achieve mutual understanding with everyone. On the other hand, it's inevitable. As the song says: "I'm not a gold coin to please everyone."

- Do you agree with the statement: “To be loved, you yourself must love yourself”?

In the very question: "How to make me loved?" a passive note is felt. If we move only in this direction, look for some technologies that would help me win over other people, then, in my opinion, this will be a dead end. Because in general it is difficult for people to get along with each other, this is how we are arranged, that even if at first glance we are very curious about each other, when we get closer, difficulties inevitably begin. You can devote your whole life to trying to show yourself from exceptionally attractive and better sides, but then there is a danger of living a life that is not your own. And in order for genuine warmth to be born between people, I think it is better to take a more active position than a passive one. You should not expect that everyone around will begin to admire me. You need to try to take steps towards people yourself. These steps may be to show concern for someone, to show sympathy, support. Now, if a person finds the strength in himself to go beyond himself to other people, then the relationship will become possible, then the other person will have the opportunity to show care and love in return. First of all, you need to show love yourself.

- What about the famous phrase: "from pity to love is one step"? The first thing is pity, and then what happens?

There may be different scenarios, and I think that there is not always one step from pity to love. If a person consciously adheres to the role of a victim who demands pity for himself, and does not want to try himself in other roles at all, then I doubt that pity for him will turn into love.

Another thing is that a person is vulnerable, and sometimes everyone is in a situation where he really needs help. In the life of any person there are stages when it is difficult for him to cope without external support. And in this situation, of course, it would be good to have the skill to seek help from someone. You need to be able to present to another person - a relative or acquaintance, it happens that a stranger - your need for his help. For some people this is very difficult, but for some this spiritual exercise is easier.

I think it's important to keep a balance, and when it's really hard, don't be shy about asking for help, but don't get stuck in the role of a victim who needs help all the time. Because in a couple it is tiring and it is clear that the partner also sometimes needs help, or a friend, or a child. It is important to have inner flexibility, to be able to ask for help when I need it, and to see situations when your neighbor needs your help and be able to provide it. To do this, you must definitely get out of the position of your own victim and learn to gain strength, find stability and take steps towards the other.

- Returning to the metaphor of travel. It seems to me that we still need such a quality as reliability, we must be a reliable companion. If travel is life, what is this reliability expressed in?

It is very important to keep in mind that any close relationship with any person is associated with inconvenience. Dreams that my soulmate lives somewhere and if I find her, then it will always be easy with her, these are still fantasies. Relationships are something that is built, and built with the efforts of two partners, and you need to be prepared for the difficulties in relationships. Despite the difficulties, the two must move along the path of increasing spiritual closeness. Therefore, if both people, a man and a woman, are mentally prepared for difficulties, then it will be easier for them to be faithful to each other and to the promises that they made to each other.

- I.e. should one not be afraid to make a mistake in the search for “that” person, but to be “that” person oneself, to be faithful oneself? Actually, this is what our conversation is devoted to: how to become and be “that” person.

It turns out from everything that you said, you can distinguish such important points: in order to be able to love you, you yourself need to take the first step towards caring in love, you should acquire the ability to achieve a balance in the relationship between “take” and “give”. I would like now to talk about what needs to be done in order to acquire these skills that are opposite to egoism?

At the theoretical level, these skills cannot be cultivated in oneself. Accordingly, in order to learn how to get along with people, you need to look for places where these people are and where you can not only sit and look at each other, but do something together. Therefore, works of mercy, socially useful activities or creativity are forms of cooperation that allow you to actively stay with other people, and this is a very good platform in order to gain the necessary interaction skills. And already in this cooperation, you can learn to forgive people for their shortcomings, get used to the fact that someone can treat my shortcomings with understanding. Because when people do something together, friction inevitably arises, because someone thinks that it should be done this way, and someone else. And since family life and family relationships are also a joint work, then a platform for experiment can be some kind of joint work with other people. In this case, you can learn how to get through conflicts, how to help each other.

- Is it possible to just take care of someone unfortunate from among your friends or a sick relative?

Yes, it does not even require finding a special association of people. This will allow you to get the same necessary skills. But, since we are talking about the experience of interacting with people at the partner level, as a plus to the skill of individual service and personal manifestation of love, I think it would be great to find another group of people with whom you can try yourself in partnership. It is necessary to communicate not only with those who need my care, but also with those with whom we can cooperate or take care of someone else.

The disadvantages are fixation on oneself, on one's ideas about life, inability to see what is happening nearby, and avoidance of the truth, so I would say. The most harmful thing in a relationship is the unwillingness to see the truth and the fear to admit and discuss what is really happening to us now.

Focusing on oneself does not give the opportunity to enter into a dialogue with others. Locking in on the personality of oneself leads to isolation from people who are nearby and from God. This happens, I think, because of fear, because of shame, distrust of God and distrust of one's neighbor. How to deal with it? You have to take the risk of opening up to God, taking the risk of opening up to another person and see what happens. Experience shows that if you open up, something important, warm, giving strength to move forward is born. Open up about where I feel vulnerable, where I need help, and then see what I can give in return.

When a person is in communion with the Creator, in communion with another person - in the image and likeness of God, then he is filled with strength, filled with love. If he closes only on himself, he deprives himself of that source of strength and love, which is available to everyone, but, unfortunately, to which not everyone turns.

- It happens that a person, in general, is not very good and kind, due to a certain acceptance of himself as a whole, with all his advantages and disadvantages, causes sympathy. What is the reason for this phenomenon?

I think that's the point. If a person takes a very tough position towards himself, is sure that he definitely needs to meet some strict parameters and does not allow himself to be himself (as they say, he has a complex), he automatically transfers these requirements to other people. And it turns out that a person who is tough on himself creates difficulties for those around him, who all the time have to comply with his ideas about the ideal, all the time to maintain a certain bar. Or endure the claims of this person for our non-compliance with his requirements.

But if a person accepts himself, it’s easy to be around him, because if a person doesn’t torment himself for not meeting certain criteria, he accepts himself the way he is, then next to such a person it’s much easier for me to be myself. I understand that this person will not condemn me all the time, demand something from me all the time, will not compete with me all the time, try to beat me in something.

- We usually understand that complexes do not arise as a result of a deep analysis of our shortcomings, but come from childhood and are due to the fact that the child was not understood and raised incorrectly by his parents, or he had other troubles in childhood or adolescence, so the problem of complexes is deep . What can you do to start solving it and learn to accept yourself?

You are right that family upbringing affects how a person then perceives himself and just as right that this is a solvable problem. And even if there were some difficulties in childhood, this does not mean that my whole life is predetermined by them, and nothing can be done about it. If a person is an adult, then he can change, if there is a desire for that.

I think that you need to look for people with the help of whom you can gain faith in yourself. Holy Scripture says a lot about the value of each person in the eyes of God, but, in addition to religious experience, everyone can feel their value as a person in a society of people. Sometimes it takes time to find a person in whose society it would be possible to see one's own value, it may not work out on the first try. But if you are persistent, you can find friends, teachers or a coach, and then a wife or husband, reflected in whose eyes you can see that my imperfection is not my fault, is not a wall that prevents others from loving me. If I experience how another person, recognizing my imperfection, continues to treat me warmly, then I can rely on this experience in building new relationships and in accepting myself, if I did not receive such an experience earlier in childhood or received it then few.

But at the same time, we cannot completely depend only on the attitude of other people towards us, otherwise someone's dislike may again throw us in the direction of our former complexes. It is easier for a believer in a sense. The reminder of the unconditional and unchanging love of Heavenly Father is a powerful support on the path of life.

- Probably, you need not just to find a person and, with folded arms, wait for him to appreciate me, but also to prove your worth with your actions, to show yourself in such a way that you can be positively evaluated?

There is one detail here that I think needs to be clarified. There is such a bias when a person believes that he is valuable only when he does something useful, and a lot of energy is thrown into this activity, so that it becomes a way of avoiding oneself and causes workaholism or other distortions, for example perfectionism complex. And when you start to investigate what is happening, it turns out that a person evaluates himself so strongly through the activities performed that he already forgets that this is not the most important thing, this is only an external indirect manifestation of what is happening in the human heart. Therefore, joint activity with other people, any activity in general, is an important part of a person's life, but at the same time it is only a platform for the manifestation of inner qualities.

- Sometimes in a relationship a person hides some of his qualities because he is afraid that if he shows them, then he will not be loved for it. Does he just need to muster up the courage and show them, or is it better to trust his intuition and remain closed from other people in something?

Indeed, it usually takes courage to go beyond yourself and try to establish intimacy with someone. This is a skill that few people are given on their own. I think you need to take risks and learn from it.

- How to take the first step in building relationships if you are a shy person, with incomplete self-acceptance, who does not consider himself wonderful and worthy of love? Is it worth waiting for this shyness to go away one day on its own, or should we try to take the first steps to communicate with other people, to try some kind of relationship, without waiting for it?

If a person makes it a condition for the beginning of a “real” life to achieve a certain ideal, then there is a big risk that this moment may not be expected. And the courage that we are talking about lies precisely in being aware of one's own imperfection and limitations of one's capabilities, and even being aware of one's own fear, while still taking active steps forward. Because we learn to live only in the process of living, and if we postpone life to the point where we decide that we are now ready to start living, then it is possible that we will never get to that point. It is better to start living right today, despite the fact that I do not like everything in myself, the people around me and the world. I don’t like a lot, but today I am the way I am today, and there are people around and the world into which the Lord brought me, and since this happened, you need, starting today, to learn to negotiate and interact with them.

- Sometimes we meet people who are in the center of attention of many. There is a temptation to copy them in your behavior. What do you think about this way of increasing your attractiveness? On the one hand, you can learn something good (or bad) from your idols, and, on the other hand, you can lose yourself in the process.

Any person grows up due to the fact that in childhood they copy the actions of adults. And in adolescence, at some point, many fear when a person realizes that he is a set of other people's thoughts, other people's gestures, tastes in clothes, that he has nothing of his own. In a recent conversation with one of my visitors, I reassured young man by the fact that, indeed, he copied some elements of his behavior from different people, but the combination of these elements that he represents today is unique.

Here it is important to be very sensitive to your heart, which makes us understand what suits me, what is good for me, and what is not good, harmful. There is nothing wrong with copying other people's healthy skills. The danger is to impose on yourself something that doesn't really fit you, like clothes that don't fit you. If I see good results from my borrowings, if they have improved my relationships with other people, then there is nothing wrong with keeping it to myself. But if I see that the fruits of this appropriation are starting to upset something in my life, if I feel a lie and discomfort, then it is better to refuse to copy this behavior or philosophical concept.

- Do you think there are people who are so empty, uninteresting, insignificant that they are always doomed to only copy someone? Or are there no such people, but there are those who have not yet been able to reveal themselves?

I think that there are still no people who are completely scarce and uninteresting. It happens that due to some unfavorable conditions, a person lacks faith in himself, in his value, in his viability, and he is afraid to explore his resources.

And it happens that a person sees in himself both strength and resources, but they do not correspond to the values ​​of the environment in which he lives. And then he, too, begins to think that something is wrong with him.

Also, this false feeling of one's own "emptiness" and "uninteresting" can be associated with some traumatic situations in childhood that block the understanding and manifestation of one's own abilities.

- What else would you like to say to people who are interested in this question: how to make me love?

We said that some activity is required if I want to be in the world of people, to be noticed by them, to be close to one of them. It also takes, as you said yourself, some courage. Despite the difficulties, despite the fact that not everything works out right away, you need to maintain an optimistic outlook, keep the faith that with God's help and with the help of the abilities inherent in me, I will be able to find mutual love sooner or later. It is impossible to make everyone love me, this task is completely impossible. But to find some circle of people of your own, and in this circle to find a person with whom you want to walk together into eternity - this is an achievable goal. It all depends on whether we can take a courageous step forward towards people and, perhaps, more than one.

It is available to every person. The only thing to remember is that the results achieved may not be similar to how I imagine my future now. You need to be prepared for the unexpected.