This often happens because there is no work for men in the community. Of course, the whole family suffers from this.
I will not describe here how hard the children are going through separation from their father and how difficult it is for both spouses at this time. This is not the point in this case. Since your husband is forced to leave for a long time, and there is no getting away from it, let's try to adapt to this lifestyle.
Let me tell you how our family spends time while our dad is at work for a month. I’ll clarify right away that I don’t work because I’m at home to take care of the child. Of course, when you have children, there are a lot of chores around the house and, it would seem, there is no time to get bored at all, but this is far from the case.
So the time has passed.
Let's say the son writes: "I have to get 20 A's in the Russian language." He does this not in order to report to dad, but for himself. The child collects A for a month to show that he, too, did not waste time in vain.
Personally, I always try to lose weight while my husband is not at home.
- Firstly, it is easier to lose weight without it. Nobody tempts you with pies at night.
- Secondly, there is more time left for evening exercises.
- Thirdly, after a long absence, he will immediately notice that I have thrown off a couple of kilograms.
I also sometimes write down interesting moments that happen in our family while dad is away from home. After all, it often happens that there is no connection for a long time, and we cannot communicate. The husband, upon returning from work, loves to read our notes with the child. If we make notes in electronic form, then we attach funny photographs there.
It doesn't hurt to put the apartment in order. For a whole month, you can clean up all corners of your home. I usually start with the cabinets. I go through and throw out all the old unnecessary things. And benefit to everyone, and time will pass faster.
It's good if you have any hobbies. My son and I are on the weekend when youngest child already put to bed, sculpting pictures from salt dough. True, we still do it badly, but we will have something to brag about to dad.
And, of course, a month without a husband should be used for talking with friends, going on a visit. So that later, when your loved one arrives, no one distracts you!
It is worth trying to prepare new dishes. What I get best I cook for my husband on the day of his arrival.
A month without a loved one is a lot. And it happens that you get so tired of everything that you don't want to clean the apartment, read books to your child, and even more so go somewhere to visit. I just want to lie down and do nothing for a long, long time. Here you can cry, just do not delay it. Pull yourself together, think about the fact that your husband is not easy, and he is trying for the sake of your family.
We will arrange a holiday for my husband when he arrives. Let him know that for us he is the most beloved and native person... Now we will be together for a whole month and nothing else is needed.
What if the shift worker's husband drinks? Notes of the shift worker's wife.
I am very very lucky in my family life, I don’t know what it means when a drunken husband lives nearby, but that doesn’t mean at all that I don’t know what it is and how difficult it is for women in such a situation.
According to my husband's stories, I know that during the entire shift, few people drink, everyone usually leads a sober lifestyle, since the fines are simply fantastic.
But as soon as I sit down late and go home, then all at once I begin to pounce on the bottles, as on life-giving nectar and go into oblivion. The worst thing is that this continues not only all the way, but the entire shift. And as far as we all understand, drunk people usually have inadequate, asocial behavior.
If your husband also has "inter-shift drunkenness", then I recommend that you first have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Find out his state of mind, learn about problems, show participation and, of course, state your position.
If there were such conversations more than once, but there was no sense, and there is no sense, then you can draw your own conclusions. The bottle is more important to her husband. Then you need to decide whether you want to continue living with such a person or not.
If you have made a firm serious decision to stay, then I recommend that you familiarize yourself with the following recommendations.
1. Do not shout or be aggressive. On the husband of a drunkard, this will not only not work, but even provoke a counter reaction.
2. However, you can make a psychological shock and temporarily live separately.
3. Another way to make your husband forget about the bottle at least temporarily is to try to keep him busy. For example, help your husband find a hobby that interests him. For example, a gym or even a side job.
4. It is necessary that the husband as often as possible faced with situations when it is necessary to show responsibility. Let him drive more often, solve everyday issues, help with children. And he feels good, there will be less time for a bottle and you are good - an assistant at home.
5. There are times when a drunken alcoholic, at his will or on the advice of close people, decides to be encoded. However, this is not the best solution. The encoding will end someday and there are often cases when alcohol victims pay for decoding and then drink again as before.
6. And one more very important point for a woman. I recommend that you just take care of yourself, your appearance, your self-development, find a hobby. This will allow you to look at the situation differently, and perhaps then, and the husband decides to change his lifestyle.
Over the past ten years, the number of shift workers has tripled. And in the future, their number will only increase. Most often, men from the provinces agree to such a schedule. But what about their wives while the spouses are absent from home for months? However, judging by the letters from readers, women are absolutely unpredictable creatures. And not everyone really wants their earners to return to normal life.
There is not much work in our small town. All more or less decent men try to get a job in a foreign company and work on a rotational basis. When Ramis and I started dating, I knew that he was going north for a month and a half. Then he rests for three weeks. For a long time I tried to persuade him to change jobs, but his argument outweighed all my discontent: “But we will soon pay off the mortgage to the end, we have such a car. Do you want to live in poverty or something? " And indeed, the husbands of my girlfriends, of course, are at their side every evening, but the girls run to me every now and then - now lend one to a salary, then another. We have been living this way for three years. When my husband needs to leave for watch in the morning, I get up at three in the morning, bake pies so that I can give him on the road with me. And when he comes back, I even take a day off at work, I cook a feast for the whole world all day. It seemed to me that I was used to everything and was even happy. But two months ago a child was born, and all I want now is for my husband to help me, to be always there. Sometimes I feel like a single mother.
Leysan, Aznakaevo
I am a military sailor, I served in the navy for 25 years. And all this time my wife Svetlana was there. Lived in perfect harmony. I have not been at home for a long time, but then - a joyful meeting, a short rest (flew by like one day) - and again on the voyage. Sveta complained that she missed me, and dreamed of everything - you quit, start a new, real life together. We will not part for a day!
And so I went to the reserve. So again the problem: Svetlana began to be annoyed by my presence. I have been living at home for only a month, but already discord, scandals. My hands itch, I want to nail something, drill something, improve my life. And she objects - do not touch, and so everything is fine! Suddenly it turned out that she was not used to standing at the stove every day. I tried to cook myself - again I ran into a scandal. Once I noticed a layer of dust on the chest of drawers, made a remark to her - she was in tears: I work all day (she is a doctor in a polyclinic), I have no time to do such nonsense! And she went to spend the night with a neighbor, slamming the door.
But the main thing is sex. For a month, we slept twice with grief, instead of that there were constant quarrels, even if you run from home back to the sea.
Alexey, Vladivostok
NO LONGER HOLIDAY
According to psychologists, the problem has a name - Return crisis... It is faced not only by sailors, shift workers, but also geologists, truckers, actors - everyone who is not at home for a long time. The point is in the stereotype of their intimate life, when a joint stay is fleeting and is perceived as a holiday, I would even say as a sex adventure. And when business trips suddenly end and the husband settles at home, a crisis begins. We have to rub against each other again. This is very difficult. Problems are mainly in men - poor erection, accelerated ejaculation.
What should Alexei do? It would be nice to change the environment, to go away from home together, to "pull away" from the usual way of life, to play with each other in a resort romance, even to the point of settling in different rooms and pretending to be lovers.
At parting, he rode on the back of our three-year-old son (he squeaked with delight - his favorite attraction!). At the door he kissed me: "I left the cash for the first time, then you will withdraw it from my card." And gone into the night. And we with little Temka stood for a long time at the window and looked after him.
… In the courtyard of our new building, mothers with strollers sympathetically ask: “Where is your dad? Something has not been seen for a long time. " I spread my hands: "You see, he is at home for a month, at work for a month." The neighbors clearly don't understand. "Aa-ah, sea captain," they nod with an air of "we know, we know, you don't have to tell the story about the disappeared hero."
I don't want to prove anything. They will see for themselves - in three weeks Denis will return.
As usual, early Wednesday morning. Its flight UN-228 Aktau-Moscow, Boeing is packed to capacity with oil workers of all stripes: from top managers to crane operators. Most of them fly with a transfer further: to Krasnodar, Rostov, Taganrog. There are British, Canadians and Italians among transit passengers - they all work with my husband in one of the multinational companies on the shores of the Caspian Sea.
In general, it doesn't even matter what kind of company it is. There are many of them in the world. How many people go to work only in our Far East and Siberia! And, as a rule, they are all men. And their women, just like in the days of the Crusades, can only wait and believe that their loved ones will return safe and sound. That their love will surely withstand the regular tests of separation, and the marriage will not turn into a guest marriage.
I am now reading the revelations on the forums. “The spouse was offered a high-paying job on a rotational basis. Should I let him go or not? " The girl asks. At least fifty members of the forum join the discussion, all share their stories (one is sadder than the other) and lean towards the harsh "No!" The arguments are simple - men away from home indulge in all seriousness: in the evenings they drink vodka out of boredom, and after drinking, they look for affection from the local girls from the service staff.
Our secret
Honestly, the question before me is "Should I let go?" didn't even stand. When we met, Denis had lived such a life for many years, earned good money and was absolutely satisfied with his profession. “I'm not going to go to the office in traffic jams every day, wear a tie, take two weeks of vacation a year, engage in boring shifting of papers and get half as much for it as now,” he announced immediately. I, head over heels in love, could only take it for granted. Somehow, for example, that his eyes are magical green.
Within a few days after our first date, my green-eyed one flew away for another shift. Then it was hot and wild Turkmenistan, then - permafrost near Novy Urengoy, even later - the endless Kazakh steppes. In total, sixteen years of work experience, nine of which we are a couple.
Of course, it is not easy to live in such a regime and not to lose the "sense of family", despite the fact that the fears of forum users are not entirely unfounded. And how many joys and sorrows have to be experienced separately! The first step of the child and his first word - will dad catch them? Ours did not find it.
However, I always remember that sweet lemonade can be made from sour lemon, and I find many advantages in this format of marriage. Therefore, when colleagues at Cosmo asked me what the secret of our happy couple was, I answered them as if in spirit: “In my husband’s shift work, of course!”
While everyone is at home
And she did not cheat: partly due to the fact that we do not spend 365 days a year side by side, our love boat keeps afloat and does not think to break about everyday life. Routine, boredom - what are you talking about? The whole month, while Denis is on vacation, we live like a small life.
We meet at the airport with bated breath. Hugs, kisses, romance! The first week we can’t look at each other, talk enough. Passions are raging, hormones are going through the roof.
The second week passes more calmly - debts are accumulating in my editorial office, and my husband is tired of household chores: it's time, for example, to nail a nail that has flown off in his absence or to visit my mother.
At the end of the second - the beginning of the third week, we invariably have a period of "grinding in" characters, as happens with newlyweds after their honeymoon. Accustomed to living in a hotel with everything ready-made, Denis forgets that he does not have a maid-laundress-cook at home and gets annoyed if I do not perform their functions too professionally (and throws his socks around at the same time). I am enraged by the fact that he has already visited his mother three times, and has not bothered to nail the conventional nail.
In general, both of us can flare up, slam the door and leave to cry or smoke. But this is followed by catharsis, with a white flag we go towards each other, sort out the conflict situation step by step, forgive insults and live together happily ever after.
Well, not so long, of course. The rest of the third and the entire fourth week. But happily - that's for sure. And then, for some reason, always unexpectedly, the time comes to say goodbye, and again, barely holding back my tears, I help him pack his things into a backpack.
In standby
Still, parting tones up a relationship! After parting, we both miss and count the days until the meeting, call each other five times a day, in the evenings we communicate on Skype. And at a distance we clearly understand that we are the closest people to each other.
However, a month apart passes with us as stormy as a month together. There is plenty of personal time and space, the main thing is to use them effectively. Look - I brought it offhand far from full list things to do when your husband is on watch.
- Immerse yourself headlong in your work or study, without being distracted by the personal. When our child was not yet born, I disappeared at the university, handing in sessions ahead of schedule, I could spend the night in the editorial office, completing important projects. And no one at home reproached me for this.
- Invite girlfriends to your place with an overnight stay, confidentiality.
- To go on a business trip with a light heart, knowing that the husband is also in business, and does not languish alone at home, without high-calorie and meat food.
- Go on a diet. After all, you do not need to cook "real men's food" for breakfast, lunch and dinner - high-calorie and meat. My son and I have enough vegetables, cereals and fruits cooked in a double boiler. Can you imagine how it becomes easier to live immediately?
- Go to freelance and leave for permanent residence in a warm, friendly country. The company pays for air tickets to her husband anywhere in the world, so we are not tied to one place. We have already lived like this in the Balkans and it is possible that in the future we will rush somewhere else.
- Relax and not take care of yours appearance so thoroughly. Do not wear a make-up from morning to night, but wear anti-sexual pajamas all Sunday.
- Vice versa , take care of your appearance and do some masochistic beauty procedure, such as chemical peeling or laser hair removal... The traces will heal just in time for the arrival of a loved one, his psyche will not have to be traumatized with his appearance.
Mother's son
Yes, with the advent of the child, something has changed (for example, I no longer sleep at work), but not too dramatically.
Our readers have shared real stories... True, some of them can easily shock their husbands.
We could not find exact statistics on how many men in Russia work on a rotational basis (that is, they are absent from home from two weeks to several months). This is understandable: many shift workers are simply not officially employed. But finding wives who are waiting for their spouses at home was easy. Their age, regions of residence and social status are different. Just like the stories of life at a time when husbands leave for work. We asked to write about this as frankly as possible, while promising to keep confidentiality. The author's style and spelling (as far as possible) are preserved.
Lilia Sergeevna, Tomsk region:
“My husband has been on watch for fifteen years in a row. He started from the very moment when the small business where he worked in our village went bankrupt and closed. At first I sobbed bitterly. Every time I collected it, different thoughts entered my head…. It seemed that he would die, that he would freeze, that he would not return, that he was not on duty, but went to his mistress.
Now I remember, and it becomes funny. On average, Kolya left for a month and a half. But it happened that the roads from the fields where he worked did not open on time (for example, because of the weather, a ferry or winter road could not be opened for him), and he lived away from home for two or even three months. But when he came, it was a holiday! We definitely went shopping in the city (Kolya began to earn good money), made repairs, added a warm bath and toilet to the house. And in our personal life everything was just seething!
You know, we could get so bored with each other that then for three days we did not get out of bed. But we were no longer twenty years old! In short, I was more and more happy with my husband's new schedule. Grieved only one thing: the sons began to move away from him. They just grew up without him. By themselves. And when the spouse came and began to be involved in their educational process, the guys, naturally, reared up ... But - nothing! They somehow grew up and finished school well, and both went to university. Now my husband hasn’t been on duty for two years (he has retired), but I still cannot get used to the fact that he is now at home all the time, and ... even sometimes I miss those times. ”
Tamara, KhMAO:
“How did I live when my husband worked on shift? No way! By her own. And then she just got divorced. There is nothing more to tell. "
Ekaterina, Irkutsk:
“I understand that your site is for women and you love to write about amazing families and relationships in which everyone lived“ happily ever after and died in one day, ”but this only happens in the movies. My husband left for the first watch when I just turned 25 years old. And he flew to the north, where there was not even a connection. We haven't spoken for weeks. I was terribly sad. Sobbed in the evenings. But I wanted to go somewhere else, to take a walk, but in the end, just walk around the city with my husband ... Why, one wonders, did you get married?
As a result, she got herself a lover. And you know what was the funniest thing? This is certainly the real irony of fate ... After a couple of months, my lover also began to go on long business trips (count on watch). And in my life (and also in my bed), two of my adored men have since been on schedule: a month - one, a month - another! So what? You asked honestly, I wrote. "
Daria Sergeevna, Tobolsk:
“The watch saved not only our family budget, but also our relationship. Before getting a job in a large oil company and leaving for the Far North, my husband drank a lot and did not devote any time to either me or our three children. He was kicked out of his last job for that too ... I was shocked. She cried a lot. And then a friend of her husband's offered to arrange him on watch, but with only one condition: no drunkenness. This is TABOO. We coded my husband and sent him to watch the next day. Was it hard for me without him? Yes! Did I miss the kids too? Of course! Would I like to return to my old life and get my husband back to work in our city? No no and one more time no! The way we live now (even if most of the time not together, apart, away from each other) is still wonderful! The husband does not drink! Earns! And when he comes home, he is happy to mess with his daughters, because he admits that he missed all of us a lot. So a watch is a real happiness for a Russian peasant, and also a real salvation for their wives. "
Nina Selivanova, Podolsk:
“If you want to test your marriage for strength, and your husband for adequacy, send him to watch. Believe me, here all the vices (if any) will come out ... Mine, for example, managed to have a mistress for himself at work. There they have twenty people working in the village, two of them are cooks and one nurse. Here he twirled with her. I found out late. The nurse was already pregnant, and her husband went to her. Let them keep watch together now. ”
Yulia Y., Khabarovsk Territory:
“I suspect what they will write about here. Say, while my husband is gone, I miss him, it's hard to communicate, the connection is bad, there is no time. And I will say this: while my spouse is at work, I talk to him more than while he is at home, because when he is at home, he plays "dances", and when he has time to rest at work, he immediately remembers about his family and calls US. Still would! There are simply no other entertainments there. "
Svetlana Vyacheslavovna, Krasnoyarsk Territory:
“How do I live without my husband when he is on duty? I live beautifully! Everything is adjusted and debugged with my children: when we get up, when we go to sleep, who will eat what. And when the husband arrives, it all starts to crumble and break down. He is naughty like a child: prepare this for him, then wash. As a result, I count the days not until his arrival, but before his departure. And many girls, whose husbands also work, say the same thing. You get used to everything, and live married, but without a husband - too. "
Elena Grigorienko, Tyumen:
“I do not live without my husband while he is on duty. For several years now I have been traveling with him and am infinitely happy! "
