If children have to be separated from their parents, even for a short time, the stress of such separation can have far-reaching consequences. For young children, time does not pass at the same speed as for adults. “Just a few days” may seem like an eternity to them.
Painful separation of children from their parents
If a mother has to go away for several weeks, for example, to take care of her sick mother, then a child aged 6-8 months can be very upset, especially if only the mother has looked after him before. In this case, the baby has a noticeably depressed state, he loses his appetite, does not react to familiar (and unfamiliar) people. Very often he just lies on his back in the crib, turning his head from side to side, not trying to sit down and do something.
At 2-2.5 years of age, separation from the mother no longer causes such a state, but the child has a very strong feeling of anxiety. If the father or mother has to leave on urgent matters, or they decide to go to work without properly preparing the child for the fact that he will be looked after by a nanny or sent to kindergarten, then the baby does not show any visible frustration at first, noticing the absence of a parent. He gets along well with the nanny (one might even say that he behaves too well compared to the usual state), but when the parents return, then all the accumulated anxiety comes out. The child does not leave them a single step. He raises a cry as soon as the mother goes into the next room. He flatly refuses the services of a nanny, does not allow her to approach him and rudely pushes her away. When it comes time to go to bed, he clings to his father or mother with a stranglehold, so that he cannot even be put to bed. If the parents finally manage to unhook him, the child may even climb over the crib railing, which he never dared to do before, and run after them. This kind of panic literally breaks the heart of the parents. Even if they manage to persuade the baby to stay in the crib, he can sit in it all night.
If the mother needs to be absent for several days or there is a need to put the child in the hospital, then the baby can "take revenge" on the mother, refusing to acknowledge her after returning. Sometimes he even yells at her and can hit her out of anger.
What can be done
If the baby is still young, print a photo of the absent parent for him and place it where he can see it from his crib. You can give him some piece of parent's clothing to hold in his hands. Record the parent's voice as they tell them a favorite story or sing a song. Try to keep the separation as short as possible. For this period, it is better to entrust the care of the child to one of the relatives than to a babysitter.
For older children, you can make a calendar and mark the days remaining until the parent returns. Tell your child what you will do when mom or dad returns. Talk to him more often on the phone, write him letters, send messages by e-mail. If the separation lasts several months, time the expected return with a specific time of year or some other noticeable event for the child. Instead of telling the child that "Dad will be back in June," say: "First we will have winter, then it will be warm, the flowers will bloom, and then Dad will come home." Read stories to your child about families that were separated but then met. If the date of the parent's return is not precisely determined (for example, if the father is serving in the army outside the country), then it is very important to exchange letters, e-mail messages or phone calls with him, remembering with the child the past times when everyone was together and building plans for the future.
Parting of a child with parents
Although there are no two children in the world who would communicate with humanity in the same way, there are some general tendencies in the behavior of babies that you will notice during such an eventful second half of life. At six to nine months, children, interacting with the world around them, do not experience any difficulties. Passing a seven to eight month old baby in the temple, who is looking at you from behind someone's shoulder, smile at him, and, most likely, he will happily smile back at you. Such sunny smiles bestowed on almost every person are very pleasant. They cause affection and sympathy for the baby. But this will not last forever. A child's smiles do not mean that he is equally happy with all people. The care and attention he receives at home means a lot to him, and during these important months for you and your baby, his affection for family members grows.
Strangers and partings
Sometimes as early as six months, but usually between eight and twelve months, the baby, who used to feel very good in any society, begins to worry when meeting strangers. If a new person approaches him or one whom he has not seen for a while, the child will stare at him with wide eyes, whine and cling to you, hoping to find protection from you. This behavior is caused by fear of strangers.
All this can be very upsetting for Aunt Masha, who had never met her nephew before and expected joy and warm hugs from him. For a one-year-old child, fear of strangers is quite common. This fear does not disappear even in the second year of life, therefore, you yourself and Aunt Masha should relax, not be offended and remember that there is a fairly simple line of behavior that will help aunt and nephew to get closer.
Firstly, Aunt Masha should not try to touch the child, kiss him or pick him up. Even if she simply responds with a glance at the gaze of the child, he can immediately burst out with either frightened or indignant cry. Instead, as if nothing had happened, start a calm conversation with Aunt Masha, ignoring the curious toddler. Let the child see that you are not expecting any trick from his aunt, that you are pleased to deal with her, and then he will slowly get used to her being in the house. After a while, an exchange of glances, touches and attempts to play with Aunt Masha will let you know that she has been recognized as your own.
The flip side of fear of strangers is the fear of separation due to the baby's unwillingness to be separated from the person who cares about him the most. Usually (but not always) it's mom. Your baby may burst into tears when you walk out into another room for a moment or put him in the crib to sleep. Even if one of the relatives or a nanny stays with him, crying can turn into a real howl and will be accompanied by a stormy scene, during which the baby will literally stick to you.
Parting, even if it is short-lived, can revolutionize both the hearts of parents and a child's soul.
What can I say here: on the one hand, it is very pleasant to know that the kid values your company so much. But if it is impossible to tear it away from you, as if it is glued to your body with heavy-duty glue, if you are doomed to listen to long cries of protest every evening until the child falls asleep, and if, finally, you cannot leave home for one evening without experiencing a feeling of great guilt in front of the baby screaming in every way, then you may well feel that you are chained to him with a strong chain.
In such situations, extremes should be avoided. Some mothers and fathers, especially the parents of the first-born, are imbued with the conviction that their main goal in life is to prevent the precious child from feeling unhappy even for a moment. They will do everything in their power, they will provide the child with whatever he wants, even the moon from the sky, and immediately and unconditionally, if only he would stop crying. Such efforts are not only in vain, but will also lead to the fact that the parents will have an utterly spoiled, selfish and unhappy creature in their hands. If mom and dad relate to parenting problems more easily, then they are not too worried about the baby's fear of parting. Nevertheless, they run the risk of being inattentive people, not observing conditions that are optimal for the normal development of the child's psyche. In both cases, parents try to follow the path of least resistance, which at this stage leads, it would seem, to good results. But who knows what price will have to be paid for this in the future?
If you are very sensitive to your child's emotions, but at the same time do not want to completely and completely obey his cries, then you will be greatly relieved to learn that the fear of separation is a natural phase of any baby's development. Believe it or not, you can deal with this problem. For example, if a nanny came to your house, then behave in the same way as in the case of Aunt Masha. Let the nanny come about half an hour before you leave to have time to get to know your baby in a relaxed atmosphere. If you want to "throw" your child somewhere, leave him in an unfamiliar environment, try to spend some time with him so that he can explore with you a new room for him. When it’s time to leave, don’t stir up the embers or let the flames of emotion flare up with a long, heartbreaking goodbye. After waiting for your offspring to do something for a couple with the nanny, quickly and affectionately say goodbye to him and leave. (If a child is destined to while away time with his adored grandfather and grandmother, or with his well-known uncle and aunt, then perhaps he will not react at all to your leaving.)
The separation process can be much more painful if the child is tired or hungry. So you need to calculate the time and leave the house after the baby has a good sleep and ate - in this case, the separation will most likely go smoothly. It would be nice to pick up some object that helps the child to calm down. (This trick can work when it's time to sleep — see below.) It can be either a stuffed toy or a small blanket. When the child has made his choice, buy another exactly the same thing (or, if this is a blanket, cut it in two) in case the "original" is lost somewhere or ends up in the washing machine. A worn-out, worn-out, covered with all sorts of stains and not even a very pleasant smelling thing (say, the most ordinary teddy bear) can become for your child the greatest treasure and souvenir from childhood.
Parting and sleep
For many children, separation becomes a major issue in the evening. As we said in the previous chapter, if a child is not used to falling asleep on his own for up to six months, then when you change the current rite of going to bed, you will have to go through several stormy nights. A child can, waking up in the middle of the night, not only scream at the top of his voice, but also manage to get up in the crib and start rocking it violently. And he will scream and shake the bed until you realize that you have no choice but to approach him. (Approaching the child, make sure that the mattress lies correctly, and the wall is raised to the maximum height, otherwise it may fall out of the crib.) And sometimes the baby, who used to fall asleep on his own and peacefully, suddenly changes his habits: he begins to cry, what is there forces, and you will not tear it away from you, even with the help of a tractor.
Laying the child down, you can put him into a sleepy state (but at the same time he should not fall asleep), feeding him with a breast or a mixture, rubbing in your arms, singing something melodic, and in addition giving him your favorite soft toy. Then put the baby in the crib, gently stroke the back, breast, arms and legs, calm down, say good night and leave. The same procedure will have to be repeated if he decides to wake up at night. But first you need to make sure that the child is not sick, that his diapers are dry and clean, that he is not entangled in the blanket. If something is wrong, then quickly correct everything, acting promptly, quietly and in a businesslike manner, and then once again wish the baby good night. At this age, the baby should not be fed at night: if you don’t stop doing this at six months, you will soon find yourself accompanying a sleepy baby who turns up his nose from the nutrients you are trying to pour into him.
If your child is over nine months old and continues to regularly wake everyone up two or three times a night, you need to think about more drastic measures. Choose a time - preferably before the weekend - and, after wishing your baby good night, ignore his protesting cries until morning, no matter how often or how long he cries. Remember that if you go up to a child after he has had time to cry to his heart's content, then he may be deposited in his head that the game is worth the candle. Of course, you do not need to practice such a "commanding" approach if the child is sick, if it is hot outside and all the windows in the house are open, if you need more or less sleep, or if (and this is most important of all) mom and dad are not ready to put their lives on to teach the child to be quiet at night.
In the morning greet the baby with a joyful smile, take him in your arms, caress him. Yes, you are ready to show him your immeasurable love, but from now on you will only do it during the day, and the night is meant for sleeping. Usually, after three, at most four stormy nights, the child learns the lesson given to him and begins to sleep without waking up until the morning (of course, provided that everything is in order with him) If the child "walking" at night does not bother anyone, then you can let it be as it is. Ultimately, your baby will learn to sleep well at night: for some children this science takes many months, but then everything goes like clockwork.
Communication and safety
The second half of a child's life opens an extremely important phase in the development of not only motor activity, but also intellect and communication skills. Now inexhaustible curiosity and research activities, which we talked about above, are not limited only to things and objects. The child also collects a wealth of information about the people around him. Previously, he did not have too many opportunities for communication - he only cried if something did not suit him or he was hungry, or babbled something cute and inarticulate when everything was fine with him. But now he can make a great variety of different sounds, is able to gesture and move quite well.
As he exercises in all these activities, he begins to understand how parents, brothers, sisters and other people around him react to them. If he doesn't like something and he is crying, is there someone to help him? Or maybe you need to make some other sounds for this? What is more effective - crying or gestures and grimaces? If, having not received what he wants, the baby begins to cry (whine, squeal, puff, puff, and so on), will they give him what he wants? What happens if he picks up some of the objects he found and starts playing with them? If something was taken away from him and he was very upset, what would be my mother's reaction? Who makes it warm and comfortable for him? Who smiles at him while pronouncing tenderly? Who doesn't?
The kid is not able to formulate all these questions (after all, he does not know such words), but he will carefully observe your reaction to his actions and will learn a lot.
It is vital for him to know that he is constantly and very much loved. He will be simply happy when someone approaches him in response to the sounds of despair or pleasure he makes, helps him in something, or shares with him the joy of a new discovery. Paradoxically, he will feel safer when he realizes that those people who really love him do not necessarily rush to him at the first call. He will either wait a little before getting what he needs, or he will not get anything at all - but it will not harm him in the slightest if he will be gifted with many smiles, if he will be stroked, if they will talk to him kindly. On the contrary, he will understand that your love protects him, even if you are not with him at the moment, or even if this immeasurable love leads to the fact that you sometimes refuse to fulfill some of his desires.
More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Most often, spouses who have lived together for 5 years or more break up. And it is with such a marriage period that very often there are small children in the family. A lot of divorces happen even after 20 years of married life: the husband and wife are trying with all their might to endure each other until the children grow up. But are they doing the right thing?
Anastasia Kuznetsova, an expert of the Association of Organizations for the Development of Humanistic Psychology in Education, an educational psychologist, argues:
Divorce is one of the three most stressful events in our life. Children become hostages of all the troubles that accompany the breakup of parents. How can you help your baby cope with this situation? Tell the truth, dodge, evade the answer? Or, contrary to your own convictions, continue to live with your unloved spouse for the sake of the peace of your own child? There are, perhaps, no unequivocal recipes that can save a child from psychological discomfort. Perhaps some "beacons".
At what age is it easiest for a child to survive a parental divorce?
There is no logical answer here. At every age, starting from the prenatal period, the child needs both mom and dad. Does this mean that you need to make every effort to save the family? Yes, but with one amendment. If all actions have been taken, arguments have been used, steps have been taken to meet them, and divorce is still inevitable, then the first thing parents should do is stop tormenting themselves with guilt. Simply because it is not constructive and will not help the baby cope with the loss. Adults will torture themselves and the child in vain.
Should I pay more attention to my child?
Experiencing a sense of guilt before the child, parents begin to please the child in every possible way: allow more, demand less, indulge in a race. The child begins to use this, as a result of which not the best character traits are formed in him. The other extreme is complete dedication to the "orphan". For this voluntary sacrifice, parents will expect reckoning in the future (the same refusal of their grown-up child from his personal life). This deforms the child's psyche much more than the very fact of the separation of the parents. Therefore, divorce should be seen not as the end of the world, but as the starting point of a new life. It will take strength and emotions to build it, so you shouldn't waste them in vain.
Should I tell my child the truth?
Children are extremely conservative. It is important for them that today it was like yesterday, and tomorrow - like today. Family life is the child's world, its coordinate system. The habitual way of life is clear to the child, which means it is safe. Divorce is a sharp change in the usual way, breaking the system. Not understanding what is happening around him and what will happen tomorrow, the child loses a sense of security and experiences anxiety, which negatively affects behavior and development. A child's long stay in the dark can bring him to neurosis.
What if the parents finally decided that they would no longer be together under any circumstances?
- To tell only the truth, not hiding what is happening from the child. Preferably before change hits his head.
- To speak with him in an understandable language: it is difficult for us to live together, therefore we quarrel and offend each other; if we disperse, it will be easier for us to communicate.
- The kid should receive an unambiguous, specific and maximally monosyllabic answer to all his questions. The baby is trying to come to terms with the new life situation. The task of the parents is to outline its visible boundaries.
- Do not be afraid of the child's reactions, be sure to say them out loud, giving the child the opportunity to realize and experience his condition: you are upset, you miss your dad, you want everything to be as before, etc.
- Do not change the educational principles and requirements for the child. You need to brush your teeth, do your homework, go to bed on time, regardless of whether your parents live together or separated.
Which parent will the child be better with?
Most often, after a divorce, a child up to 10-12 years old stays with his mother. This is due to the dominant role of the mother in the development of personality at this age. Some experts believe that a child is better off with a parent who is less aggressive towards the former second half. Then he retains the possibility of normal communication with both parents, not burdened by inhibitions and feelings of guilt.
In any case, you cannot force the child to choose whom he loves more - mom or dad. This choice is incompatible with his worldview. Adults need to try to agree on a mode of communication that is understandable for the baby with people dear to him. The child will more calmly survive the separation of his parents if he does not fear that he will be deprived of his mother, father or grandmother.
How to explain the absence of mom or dad to a child?
If one of the spouses, after a divorce, stops communicating with the child, the version of the "sea captain" is more preferable than "your unlucky dad (mom) no longer needs you." The child hears only that he is not needed, which means that he is bad.
It may be unpleasant for you to discuss the merits of your former second half, but at first you will have to do it. A child should not feel guilty about loving the “wrong” person and betraying you. "Yes, dad and I cannot live together, but he is wonderful, strong, smart, etc., so you were born here ..."
How to start a new family?
There is one rule here that may surprise many people in the street. Under no circumstances should you ask your child for permission to have your new spouse live with you. It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for the fateful decision you have made to the child. A new marriage is your choice.
In order to build a relationship between a child and a new spouse, you need to make it clear to your child that his place in your life has remained the same: you also read books to him before bed, go to the cinema together on weekends, etc. Just don’t need to shift responsibility for raising a child (punishment, control, school affairs, etc.) on someone else's (perhaps at first) person for him. And most importantly, do not impose a "new" dad or mom and do not oppose your new spouse to the former out loud with the child.
The reasons are very different - going to work from maternity leave, a business trip, treatment in a hospital, etc. Parting may not last for an hour or two, but may take from several days to a month or more.
Few mothers know how to cope with separation from a child. After all, this is a very unpleasant procedure for both mom and her beloved child. Parents away from the child do not feel too comfortable and constantly think about him, "how is he there without me?", "What is he doing?", "Did he eat?", "How did he sleep?" and so on, and many mothers begin to blame themselves for not being around ...
Do not blame yourself for the separation - you really are not to blame for it, the circumstances just happened, and the guilt complex is a destructive feeling.
How to cope with separation from a child? What should be done so that both the mother and the child are less worried about separation?
There are times in life when parents are forced to part with their children for a certain time. The reasons can be very varied - this is the passage of outpatient treatment, and business trips, vacation, or a trip of a child to a children's camp.
The hardest thing for a child is parting with his mother. Therefore, from an early age, it is necessary to strengthen in the mind of the baby that when the mother leaves, she will definitely return.
If, for example, a mother has to go to work, then she should start practicing short separations with her baby in advance. It is worth remembering only one thing - you can only leave a child with someone you trust unconditionally. If the mother and the baby were inseparable, and then the mother suddenly took and left, the child is likely to receive a serious psychological trauma, since in this situation it will seem to him that his mother has abandoned him.
Now the "theory of attachment" of the child to the parents is gaining popularity. Attachment is mainly formed in the first year of a baby's life, usually in the second half.
In this case, it is important to trace how the child breaks up with his mother and how he behaves when meeting her. Indicative is not so much the moment of parting as the moment of meeting. It is also natural that the baby cries when parting with his mother, it is worse if after mother's departure he continues to sob for a long time, has tantrums, etc. And upon her mother's return, she begins to "take revenge" on her - she fights, cries, does not give her a way, hangs on her.
It is very important to try to predict in advance the possible scenarios for the development of events that will happen to both the mother and the child. Any mother can form a so-called "safe type of attachment" in a child, for this she just needs to tune herself in to the same wavelength with him, or, as the famous American psychologist Eric Erickson said, "to lay in the baby a basic trust in the world." Having such experience, children in the future will be more trusting, benevolent, more balanced, more confident in themselves and those around them.
If the mother is already working, then she should talk with the child more often, tell him about her work, what she does and how important it is for her, even if she is not completely sure that the child understands her. In the case when a mother does something with her own hands at work, she can bring and show it to her baby.
Leaving the child with the grandmother, it is worth agreeing with her so that she does not focus on the negative aspects of the separation of the mother and the baby.
If it is a nanny, then she needs to be provided with clear instructions on what the child loves and what does not. For example, what fairy tale or song he likes best, what is his favorite toy, what can most quickly calm him down if he is extremely upset or excited.
Families who have chosen a kindergarten should use the following recommendation: it is best for mothers to spend half a day for several weeks - and if this is not possible, then at least a couple of hours - together with the baby in his group, so the period of his adaptation will be more painless.
Mom should remember that if she herself is tense or excited before parting with the child, then all her negative emotions will be passed on to him. Therefore, the mother needs to behave as calmly and naturally as possible, be more benevolent and not run away as soon as she handed the baby over to the caregiver. It is imperative to say goodbye to the child as gently as possible and remind him that mom will be back soon.
It is clear that breakups can be very painful. But in many families, meetings are no less painful.
After a working day or upon returning from a business trip, parents are often faced with the fact that the child is behaving hysterically, capriciously, wants to communicate with them. He waited all day for his parents and now he does not leave them a single step. And mom, for example, has a lot of chores planned, dad is so tired that he wants to lie down and watch TV. Therefore, upon the return of their parents, the child most often hears the following phrases: "Wait until we undress, then we will hug" or "Now I will cook dinner, and then I will read you a book." But it is worth remembering that the baby cannot wait, he simply does not know how. In this context, the example of German parents is indicative, who in raising children are guided by the following principle: "First, take time for your child, and then he will give time for you."
According to this position, when one of the German parents comes home, he first tries to satisfy the interests of the child, play with him, answer his questions, read, and only then starts his duties.
If the parents caress the baby from the doorway, talk to him, then after that he will give them a certain freedom. But at the same time, it should be remembered that up to 4 years old, a child needs attention or touching his mother every 10-20 minutes.
We suggest that you familiarize yourself with some simple rules for meeting a mother and a child, which will help all family members to spend a calm and pleasant evening without hysterics and screams.
When a mother picks up a child from kindergarten, then she should not rush to dress the baby and immediately run home. It is better to sit with him on a bench for a short while, hug and talk, look at crafts or drawings made during the day. A very young child may even cry about the fact that he spent the day without his mother. Only after that you can pack up and leave. You should also not talk too much with educators, you need to do this only after talking with the child and only on business.
A mother of a first-grader can act in a similar way, entering a new world for him, needs attention no less than a toddler from a nursery group.
In the case when the child was at home with the nanny, it is better for the mother to devote a few minutes only to the child immediately upon her return. In general, it is better not to talk to the nanny right away (she must be warned about this immediately). Then you can invite the baby to listen to the nanny's “report” on how the day went, and discuss interesting moments together.
When you’ve returned from kindergarten or saw the nanny, try to involve the child in everything you do yourself. The kid can help to undress, put away things, cook dinner, i.e. you do your household chores, and give your child different tasks. When he gets tired of helping, he himself will switch to his activities or toys. It is important to remember one thing: when you have a free minute, you need to take the baby in your arms or hug him, without waiting for him to get bored.
There is a phenomenon - children easily let go of their parents if they are sure of their love and that mom and dad will not disappear anywhere. Remember this.
The material was prepared according to: M.P. Luganskaya, E.Yu. Yaroslavtseva "Crises of Childhood: We Raise Without Shouting."
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It sometimes happens that a project called a family, or rather - a pair of two people - ends. The couple are forced to leave. We will not now analyze the reasons, options for the development of events, and so on.
Now we will accept divorce as a fact and think about what about the child or several children that this couple has? Of course, all family events are reflected in them. So what about divorce and kids? How will divorce affect the psychological state of children, and how should parents behave?
Navigation through the article: "Divorce and children: how to get through with the least loss"
It seems to many that children in parental divorce they will inevitably suffer that children must certainly grow up in a family where there is a dad and mom who live together. Any family, if only complete.
Such an idea may be related to the social attitude that children should take on the roles of mother and father, that only being in a complete family can they fully receive parental attention.
Many people think that this is the only way children will learn to build personal relationships and create their own family in the future. This includes movie plots, examples from fiction, and stories from acquaintances backed up by their fears.
Divorce is inevitably associated with scandals, quarrels, suffering for both parents and children. And it's no secret that a sufficient number of couples maintain the appearance of a family only because of the children. How is it that dad (or mom) will live separately, because the child will be traumatized, will worry ?!
More precisely, many do not even try to look behind this curtain and just imagine what will happen. It's scary, it just doesn't have to be that way, so you shouldn't even discuss it.
And the family, albeit dysfunctional, with spouses cooled to each other, family scandals, quarrels, and sometimes assault, continues to exist.
And what do the children themselves from such families, which survived “only for the sake of the children”, think? Interestingly, not all children who have become adults are grateful to their parents.
Children are very sensitive to the atmosphere in the family. And feeling that the parents are unhappy, that they hate each other, children often take the blame for what is happening, and they live with this guilt for many years later.
Let's think about it, if the spouses break up, do they stop being parents? After all, no one cancels parental rights and obligations. Spousal relationship ends, but nobody takes the parents away from the child.
And it depends only on the adults themselves how they build the process of joint upbringing and communication with the child. after divorce... And that's what we'll talk about in this article.
To be able to help a child cope with this situation, parents must first think about themselves. Almost any divorce is stressful for each spouse, so steps must be taken to be able to cope with it.
Otherwise, falling into uncontrollable emotional crisis, parents lose control over both their condition and the ability to feel the condition of their child and respond to it.
For acute situations, I often cite this example. In an airplane, in the event of a cabin depressurization, there is a mandatory rule - put on oxygen masks. Moreover - and this is very important! - first, an adult must put on a mask, and only then put it on a child.
It would seem that everything should be the other way around. But if you think about it, then everything is correct - thinking about ourselves, we give the opportunity to help those who need our help.
Of course, the process of going through a breakup can be long. A person goes through several stages - an acute experience of the situation, emotional upsurge and a feeling of freedom, then a recession, possible depression and, finally, acceptance of the situation.
And sometimes you may want to speak out to your own child - especially if he is already old enough, and you know that he will understand you. Then the child runs the risk of becoming a "vest" - a friend or girlfriend, to whom you are ready to express everything that has accumulated and is painful. Moreover (this applies to the spouse with whom the child stays), the child is near, and will always be ready to talk to you and listen to you.
Here I would like to warn in advance about such a situation - a child should not become such a “vest”. He will not be able to fully become it: after all, he will hear and understand what you say to him, at his own level, depending on his age.
And even if you have a completely friendly relationship, the child still perceives you as a parent, as an adult on whom the child relies. And if your despair and hopelessness is very vivid, the child may have a keen sense of insecurity. In the eyes of the child, even if the mother / father does not know what to do, then the fate of the child himself may seem completely sad to him.
During this possibly difficult period for your family, you should not overload the child's psyche. splashing out your emotions... Yes, emotions need to be lived and expressed, and it is very important to just tell someone everything, cry, talk.
But it is better to call a friend, girlfriend or other close person, try not to reprimand everything to your son or daughter. A psychologist is also suitable for this role - this is exactly the person who can adequately perceive your information, without criticism and unnecessary advice.
Starting their new life after a divorce, parents often either completely forget about the child because of their own experiences, or, on the contrary, they completely immerse themselves in him, trying thereby, as it were, to switch attention, to get away from what is happening.
Switching attention may be the right tactic, but find something else to do it. Ideal if in relation to the child after divorce approximately the same balance will remain, which was before, in a complete family.
During a divorce, situations are not uncommon when mom or dad begin to monopolize the child, depriving him of communication with the other parent. Here it is necessary to mention the desire to accuse the ex-spouse, and tell the children about what their father or mother was guilty of.
It is even worse if the negative trait that you see in your ex-spouse is emphasized in the child. Naturally, the spouse will not change this, but the child will add unnecessary worries and feelings of guilt. If you really want to discuss the painful, then, again, find for this another person who will be ready to listen to you.
What does a child hear when you say: “Are you as capricious (clumsy, illiterate, impudent, rude, etc.) as your dad (mom)” -? Most of your negativity is not even directed at your child, but at your ex-spouse. But the child takes everything quite literally - “I am bad, and I am naturally bad, since my dad (mom) is like that. Now I certainly won't be good. "
Added to this is guilt for what the former spouse did, to which the child has nothing to do with it. Hence and low self-esteem, and learned helplessness (when a child learns in advance that it is useless to act to improve the situation, and does not even try to do something, this has a very negative effect on his future), and distrust of the world, and much more that is reflected in the developing psyche.
Remember what we talked about at the very beginning. The separation of adults should not be reflected in the "mom-child" and "dad-child" relationship. Divorce and children- these are different planes of the situation. AND children in parental divorce have the right to maintain normal relations with mom and dad, and with relatives on both sides. It is important to maintain the ability to communicate with both parents as much as possible.
Let's think about it, what does a family give to a child? Why is she to him? Based on our biological nature, the family is a physical opportunity for a baby to grow up. This is simply impossible without adults.
And the main thing that a child gets at the most basic level is safety and acceptance as a new person. Family roles, social conventions - this is all secondary, this is later. And during divorce, this basic, most basic and seemingly simple need often suffers.
The child ceases to feel safe - the world around him collapses. Sometimes, when their parents divorce, children themselves try to reconcile and glue the family together. By doing this, they seem to save their world, which for them begins to collapse.
You should not go to the other extreme, deceiving the child that nothing is happening. No, something is happening - the family structure is changing, someone is leaving, communication within the family will also change. But, believe me, the child's psyche itself is very flexible, and he will be able to adapt to many things.
On a subconscious level, without words, the child catches the inner state of the parents. If the world is collapsing for you, then most likely you will project this feeling around you, pass it on to your child.
In situations where divorce is a completely deliberate step on both sides equally, and when parents are ready to take a constructive approach to solving and creating a new model of relationships, the child's sense of security may not suffer at all.
Children perceive a lot at the level of sensations, feelings. The mood of the parents is conveyed to them without words. Just imagine the situation - dad works out of town and is with the child only on weekends. Parents treat the situation as a work moment, everything is calm and good in their souls.
Will the child worry and suffer? Unlikely. He, just like the parents, will understand that everything goes its own way. And what is the fundamentally different situation when a dad is with a child on weekends, but the parents are divorced? From the point of view of a child, almost nothing. The child is not yet loaded with social standards and conventions, as it should be. Therefore, the task of adults is not to bring “adult” questions into his world.
Even adolescents, from whom we seem to expect an “adult” attitude, in fact often treat the situation “like a child,” sometimes even responding with regression to a stressful situation (ie, starting to behave like young children) ... Therefore, leave an adult - an adult, without burdening the child with the expectation of somehow participating in solving issues related to you and your spouse.
In acute cases, an appeal to a psychologist will help in order to more easily survive this period and integrate into a new way of life, because life after a divorce will change. To prevent your anxiety from being passed on to your children, it is important to talk again and realize that divorce is a separation between spouses, not parents and children.
Children may well survive the divorce of their parents almost painlessly. This is so, and there are such cases in my practice. The main thing is adequate adults who will be around. This is attention, love and sensitivity towards the child. This is how much you, as a parent, can convey a sense of security to your child.
Indeed, in fact, the child's parents remain the same. When parting with each other, parents do not cease to be mom and dad. And if you feel it yourself, then it will be much easier for you to go through this process and build a new form of relationship in which the child will feel loved.
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Even if you are not working, but conscientiously “sit” on maternity leave, sooner or later you will have a desire to “go public”. It doesn't matter if it will be a meeting with a friend with whom you have not seen for a long time, or a long-awaited trip to the theater.
It is important that the child may react to your departure in a completely different way from how you would like it to be: happily waving his pen and smiling, he sits in his grandmother's arms. And as soon as you hide behind the door, the baby will immediately switch to grandmother's glasses, her new fairy tale or his porridge. Alas, the opposite is more often the case. Cheerful waving of a pen comes exclusively from you, and the child, shedding tears, plaintively repeats only one thing: "I want to see my mother!" You, guiltily hiding your eyes, run out the door and ... listen to the baby's sobs coming from the apartment. Your heart is breaking: to return or still go where you have planned?
If you can somehow still survive parting for the evening, then what about business trips or trips to another city or another country, say, for a week or for a longer period? How should parents who left their small child at home to behave so as not to be tormented by the consciousness of their own guilt every minute?
Psychologists advise: never leave home without warning the child about it, whatever his age. Rejoice openly that now he can not do without you for long. Before any parting (even for a short time), explain to the kid how he will spend time without you: who will stay with him, where, for how long; make sure that the child is surrounded by familiar objects and favorite toys.
Take time to say goodbye to your baby, but do not give in to his usual crying and do not drag out the moment of separation. Do not promise anything (return at a certain hour, call). If you cannot do this, then you risk losing the baby's trust and instilling in him a sense of the insecurity of his existence. Whenever possible, leave your child with someone he knows well.
At 3 years old, the baby has already achieved some independence, which allows him to better survive the temporary separation from his parents - for the evening, on weekends or on vacation. But these moments of separation need to be carefully prepared and organized. A child of three can already imagine those who are dear to him, even if they are absent; the kid realizes that they have not disappeared forever. Therefore, parting is not so difficult for him. However, the child still needs to prepare for this; parting should not take him by surprise. Therefore, you should take some precautions.
So, if you are going to leave or if the child has to stay away from you for a while, warn him. Explain the reasons and conditions for this breakup. Tell your baby where he will go, how long and who will meet him. Find an opportunity to say goodbye to your baby, even if he is crying. If you will be away for only one evening, say goodbye to your baby before he falls asleep.
If the child has to spend several days outside the home, let him take his things with him; make sure that a favorite toy is put in the suitcase, which will remind him of home and which he may still need in order to fall asleep. Tell your child what you will do when he or she is away. If the father or mother leave for a long time, then the one who stayed with the child should regularly remember the absent one and inform the baby about him.
A child, especially a very small child, easily agrees to part with his parents if he is left with adults whom he knows well. For short but frequent partings, it is best to leave your baby with the same adult all the time.
Being far away from you, the child may complain of pain, sleep poorly and regress in different areas, for example, in food, language or neatness. Thus, he expresses dissatisfaction with your absence. On your return, the baby may show you indifference, aggressiveness, or, conversely, a great dependence on you emotionally. But it will pass. It is important that you take into account the child's discontent, his anxiety, but at the same time, do not blame yourself for the motives that made you part with him.
