Do you have a child, or even more than one? Are you afraid of adolescence because you have heard many “horror stories” about how a child’s behavior changes at this age? Are you afraid that you won't cope? Then this book is for you.
Its pages describe the main problems that almost all parents of teenagers face. And also ways to effectively solve them are proposed. These are effective, practical tips that have proven their effectiveness and are not difficult to put into practice.
By starting to apply the tips comprehensively, you have a great chance to raise a successful, healthy child.
It should be remembered that adolescence is one of the most important periods in a person’s life, when the ability to consciously manage one’s own behavior is formed. It is during this period that the structure of one’s own hierarchy and one’s own values are formed. The age criterion is those neoplasms that characterize the essence of each age. A new formation is a new type of personality structure, its activity, those mental and social changes that first arise at a given age stage and which in the most important and fundamental way determine the child’s consciousness, his attitude to the environment, his internal and external life, the entire course of his development in this period. The leading activity of adolescence is intimate and personal communication with peers. Formation of moral values, ideas about oneself, the meaning of life, self-awareness. New models are being reproduced in relationships between peers. Those relationships that exist between adults.
Thanks to this, new tasks and motives arise for further own activities.
During adolescence, changes in a child's personality can occur abruptly, critically, and may occur gradually. And how the child goes through this difficult period, with what baggage of values and skills he comes out of it, depends entirely on the parents, that is, on you. Many authors in their works noted that the formation and development of self-confidence is important for a person at all age stages, and especially in adolescence.
This is due to the fact that this period represents one of the most difficult and critical stages of human development. Teenagers, as a rule, have difficulty solving their psychological problems, they are conflict-ridden in social interaction, they do not tend to get out of stressful situations productively, they are characterized by painful experiences, increased sensitivity and irritability, transfer of dissatisfaction with themselves to the world around them, a feeling of loneliness, fear of ridicule , increased anxiety, uncertainty, etc.
It depends on you, dear parents, how your child will grow up: a successful, accomplished person or a neurotic average person. It depends on you whether your offspring will be an assistant and support when you retire, or whether you will carry him on your shoulders all your life.
Read, put into practice what you have learned and live in peace with your children!
Many parents are afraid of adolescence like hell. It seems that no age has received so many horror stories and myths as this one. Meanwhile, by following simple rules of communication with your own child, this period can become the key to a strong future relationship, when your son or daughter will become a reliable support for you. Only in order to comply with these rules, the parents themselves will have to try - somewhere to restrain their emotions, somewhere to refuse to watch a football match and instead talk and discuss the problems that have arisen with their offspring. This will require effort, and many parents are lazy, prefer not to interfere and step away.
They came to the reception together - Olya and her mother. More precisely, it was my mother who brought Olya, declaring from the doorway that I “must do something so that my daughter will obey her.” The reason for the appeal is the inability to establish contact with each other. “She’s being rude to me,” my mother was indignant.
However, Olya, a 15-year-old teenager, did not give the impression of an aggressive person hostile to the world. On the contrary, one got the impression that she was an indecisive and anxious teenager. Maybe that’s why I tried to treat what was happening somewhat detached.
Of course, first we talked to my mother. It was necessary to convince an adult that I was not a magician and that I couldn’t wave a wand and say: “Cracks, pex, fex - Olya, listen to your mother.” And you need to start with yourself - change your attitude towards your daughter.
We spent a long time figuring out what the so-called rudeness consists of. Finally, we found out.
“You understand, she doesn’t do anything that I ask,” my mother’s indignation knew no bounds.
- How do you ask? - I ask. - Show.
- Well, how... - Mom tries to concentrate in order to show as authentically as possible... Her lips begin to involuntarily compress into a “chicken tail”, a deep crease lies between her eyebrows. The look becomes heavy. “Olechka,” she says with a breath, and her tone gives even me goosebumps, “Go do your homework,” then she waits a couple of seconds and adds: “Quickly”!
- Well, why... I don’t know. To do it quickly. If I don’t tell you, then it won’t work,” Mom is already starting to get annoyed with such a stupid psychologist.
- And what, does he do it quickly? – I naively wonder.
- Of course not. She doesn’t do anything,” Mom sighs heavily, as if inviting me to sympathize with her.
– Does she somehow explain to you the reason? - I ask.
- No, she just stops responding to me. I can’t get anything out of her, she immediately goes into the room and starts crying.
– How do you react to her crying?
“I first appeal to reason,” the mother, it seemed to me, for the first time tried to think about what she was doing in response to her daughter’s tears, “But the grandmother... she begins to feel sorry for her, to calm her down.” She says to me: “Well, what do you want from her, it’s so difficult to study now. Not everyone can be smart.” And I give up, I also begin to calm her down, and so on all the time. Vicious circle.
- So why do you call her behavior rudeness? It seems to me that boorish behavior is somewhat different,” I note.
“Well, I’m nervous,” Mom’s eyes simply glow with indignation. – Making your mother nervous! I do everything for her: I cook, I clean, I do the laundry. I go to meetings. I do everything for her! – it seemed to me that the walls trembled from her pathos.
I really wanted to ask her: “Do you even love your daughter?”
It was enough just to look at the child's facial expression to understand what the essence of the problem was: a monstrous distortion of the child-parent relationship. Mom perceives herself as a machine that provides certain functions: feeding, washing, checking homework. What about talking? Find out how the child feels and how he lives. Maybe someone unfairly offended him at school? Help resolve the situation?
If this is not done, the child will live with a feeling of insecurity. And, growing up, he will begin to defend himself - as best he can. And here it will not seem enough to anyone, because his methods of defense are the most primitive: aggression or avoidance. That is, he either attacked and beat him, or left altogether.
- Physically. From home - to the street, to distant relatives, wherever your eyes look.
- Psychologically. When a person seems to break the internal connection with the outside world, he stops reacting.
As a result of prolonged stress exposure, the integrity of the individual is in danger of destruction. When certain external events begin to destroy the picture of the world, very often a model of behavior is chosen, which in the scientific literature is called “learned helplessness.”
The term “learned helplessness” was introduced by the American psychologist Martin Seligman and his colleagues back in the 70s of the 20th century. They conducted a series of experiments on dogs. The dogs were divided into three groups: first, second and control. All of them were exposed to electric current. The first group of animals was put in a cage with a special switch, by pressing it with its nose, the dog could stop the current. The dogs quickly learned to do this. The dogs from the second group did not have a switch or the ability to turn off the stun gun. They soon gave up, lay down on the floor and whined in pain. There was no effect on the control group.
In the second part of the experiment, the animals were placed in cages where they could avoid the pain of the shocker by jumping over a fence. The dogs from the first and control groups did just that. The dogs from the second group lay down again and whined. They didn't even try to jump over the barrier. Psychologists call this “learned helplessness syndrome.”
That is, a state when a person is sure in advance that nothing will work out for him, that he is a loser and that he should not even try.
The decisive factor in the development of the state of helplessness was that the animal's very first experience in this experiment was associated with the inevitability of electric shocks. Seligman saw in this helplessness syndrome an analogy with the condition for the emergence of chronic failure and reactive depression in people.
However, if we consider learned helplessness from the point of view of neurophysiology, then such a reaction to external stimuli is justified. Also I.P. Pavlov drew attention to the so-called “dynamic stereotype”. If we take into account the fact that a stable dynamic stereotype - the habit of responding - originates in childhood, then the roots of learned helplessness are located there. Olya has formed a corresponding model of behavior: when I start crying, they feel sorry for me, I get my portion of parental warmth. That is, the more unhappy (read, more helpless) I am, the more warmth.
Then we talked with Olya about her childhood, about how adults reacted to her successes and failures. Her picture of childhood was typical: adults mercilessly criticized her for her mistakes, but considered her successes natural.
“Once they even put me in a corner for breaking a plate while washing the dishes,” Olya sighed. “Although it happened by accident, and the plate was old, wow, so many years have passed, and she is still making excuses for that unfortunate plate.” Although I am, in principle, an outsider.
- Olya, how old were you when you broke it?
– About four years, probably.
Dear parents, your child is washing dishes at the age of four. Tries to help his mother around the house. Why do you demand from him those skills and abilities that are inherent in an adult? What does a four-year-old child get when they try to help him and say he is stupid?
Scientists have conducted a number of studies examining the sources of children's style of explaining their own successes and failures. A study conducted by the aforementioned Seligman and colleagues found that the child's explanatory style showed a significant positive relationship with the mother's explanatory style. Explanatory style is shaped by the nature of feedback from parents. The criticism that adults address to a child when he fails leaves an imprint on what he thinks about himself. The pessimistic style of explanation is formed on the basis of non-constructive ideas about oneself: “I am a complete insignificance”, “I am a loser”, etc. The optimistic style is formed on the basis of unconditional positive reinforcement and is associated with a constructive idea of \u200b\u200boneself: “I can do better”, “I’m not a piece of gold for everyone to like,” etc.
Take the case of this unfortunate plate. How could your mother react to the unfortunate broken plate? Calmly tell your daughter: “It’s okay, you’re still great – look how hard you’re trying! And the fact that it crashed is no big deal, you didn’t know it would happen like this. Next time you will be more careful." And the connection will not be formed that taking initiative in activities (in the child’s mind - exploring the world) is bad.
A small child cannot yet think in adult categories - “this is an expensive thing; this is part of the service; to buy this, do you know how much work you have to do?” For a small child, any thing in the space around him is just an object of knowledge of the world. That’s why children take their cars apart and press all the buttons on the tablet without fear of damaging it. They start washing the dishes - it’s interesting how they get clean plates. Plus mom will praise - that’s also nice.
If a child is not allowed to actively explore the world (of course, making sure that learning is safe is a sacred parental responsibility), then in adolescence he will no longer be interested in this at all. And it’s scary - because in the subconscious there is this fact that too much cognitive activity caused a negative reaction from others. Accordingly, dear parents, what kind of interest in studying do you dream of? Studying is also a kind of knowledge of the surrounding reality. And you already explained to your child once that he doesn’t need to explore the world.
My three-year-old goddaughter decided to check whether it was possible to cover the entire room with a drawing roll from the Ikea store. For several hours she puffed and carefully rolled out the roll on the floor, trying to make it even. Then she decided that the rolled out roll did not look very nice, and from part of the roll she made “snow” - a mountain of torn pieces of paper that decorated the corner of the room.
Her mother took a photo of it and posted it on social networks. The Internet space reacted with stormy pity for the parents. Many people calculated how long the cleaning would take. Stupid, they felt sorry for their parents, considering time and energy in this situation. Who will remember them many years from now, when parental approval of paper paths across the room and piles of “snow” will turn the baby into a confident and successful person!
After all, not a single person thought that the time spent on cleaning is nothing compared to the lesson that the little girl received. And the lesson is simple - think, explore the world, it’s right, it’s interesting.
M. Seligman's research was continued by Julius Kuhl, a German scientist. He conducted very interesting experiments on his students. Students were asked to solve various logic problems. All the proposed problems had no solution, but the students who took part in the experiment did not know about it. At the beginning of the experiment, the teacher announced that the problems were simple, easy to solve, and everyone should solve them effortlessly.
After several unsuccessful attempts to solve these “simple” problems and listening to negative comments from the experimenter about the abilities of the subjects, most people fell into a state of anxiety and despair, since, of course, a blow was dealt to their self-esteem.
After that, the subjects were offered a simple task, the solution of which was indeed easy, but which they also could not cope with, since “learned helplessness” had formed. Yes, yes, that’s how quickly it forms! Yu. Kul suggested that the decrease in efficiency in solving a simple problem in the latter case is associated with a person’s inability to quickly abstract from the thought of failure.
The thought: “I am a complete insignificance, I am incompetent,” remaining in an active state, absorbs the resources necessary to realize the intention.
The scientist proved that learned helplessness is a violation of the ability to overcome difficulties that have arisen and a refusal to take any action to overcome a crisis situation. Refusal to take active action is motivated by negative previous experience of overcoming failures in similar situations.
Like this. Julius Kuhl found out that if there are three components such as:
1) the presence of a clear inner confidence in a person that he lacks his own strength to cope with the task himself;
2) a feeling of being unable to control the situation;
3) the belief that failure depends on personal qualities is present at the same time, then a state of “learned helplessness” arises. If a person is sure that a situation that does not suit him does not depend either on his behavior or on the efforts he makes to change this situation; that he alone is to blame for all his failures (his stupidity, mediocrity, unprofessionalism, etc.), and success, if it suddenly happens, is due to a successful coincidence of circumstances or outside help, and certainly not to his abilities, then he will not do anything to correct the situation.
And this ugly thought is most often instilled in a child in childhood by loving parents.
The presence of learned helplessness in a person can be easily determined on the basis of words - markers used in speech. These words include:
- “I can’t” (ask for help, build normal relationships, change my behavior, etc.);
- “I don’t want” (to learn a difficult subject, change my lifestyle, resolve an existing conflict, etc.);
- “Always” (“I explode” over trifles, I’m late for meetings or work, I always lose everything, etc., that is, “I have always been like this, am and will be”);
- “Never” (I can’t prepare for a meeting on time, I don’t ask for help, I’ll never be able to cope with this problem, etc.);
- “Everything is useless” (there is no point in trying, no one has ever succeeded in this situation, and people like you have tried, but...);
- “Everyone in our family is like that” (family messages about abilities in certain sciences, about an unsuccessful fate or marriage).
Helplessness is often masked behind various conditions that are identified as something else, for example, neurasthenia, fatigue, apathy. Oddly enough, the behavior of people in a state of learned helplessness can be diametrically opposite.
The main behavior options are:
1. Pseudoactivity (meaningless, not purposeful, fussy activity that does not lead to results and is followed by inhibition);
2. Complete cessation of activity;
3. Stupor (state of inhibition, misunderstanding);
4. Using stereotypical actions to find one that is adequate to the situation, with constant monitoring of the results;
5. Destructive behavior (aggression directed at oneself and/or others);
6. Shift to a pseudo-goal (engaging in another activity that gives a feeling of achieving a result - a replacement action).
Factors that prevent the formation of learned helplessness include:
– Experience of actively overcoming difficulties and own search behavior. This increases a person's resistance to failure.
– Psychological attitudes regarding explaining one’s success and failures. A person who believes that his successes are random and due to a coincidence of circumstances (lucky chance, outside help, etc.), and failures are natural and due to his personal shortcomings, capitulates to difficulties and learns helplessness faster than a person with the opposite attitudes.
– High self-esteem. If a person maintains self-respect under all circumstances, he is more resistant to the formation of the state “I can’t do anything, everyone save me.”
– Optimism reflects a person’s belief in a positive outlook, which is associated with positive thinking and therefore is one of the factors counteracting the formation of learned helplessness.
Thus, learned helplessness is a kind of psychological defense of one’s Ego. We subconsciously cannot allow our deepest self, our very essence, to be ostracized by those around us. No one (including ourselves) should doubt that our essence, core, core is omnipotent and beautiful. Therefore, to preserve the power of his Ego, a person goes to the end. Uses the most sophisticated, most destructive types of psychological defenses, including extreme inhibition - depression.
I dwell in such detail on helplessness itself, because recently it has become the main reason for the failure of modern teenagers both in school and in relationships.
Since childhood, Olya was sure that she was mediocre, she would not succeed. And that her destiny is to cook borscht in the kitchen, working at the clinic at the reception desk. A somewhat strange choice for a modern teenager, but my mother worked at the clinic. It's at the reception desk. And she really wanted her daughter to be “under supervision.”
– Don’t you think, in this case, that it’s illogical to force a girl with such a future profession to study? Why does she need good grades, because in her work she will most likely need other qualities - reaction speed, attentiveness.
- And that’s how it should be. We need to study well. And she has half of the “C” grades.
– And who does Olya herself want to be?
- By whom? – It seemed to me that my mother thought about this question for the first time. – But he will grow up, go to work and decide who to be. In the meantime, I decide this, since I feed her.
As they say, “no comment”. “If only someone would marry you,” the “kind” mother seemed to use every opportunity to show her daughter her worthlessness.
The most amazing thing is that for a long time the mother could not understand what was so terrible she was saying to her daughter.
– Do you understand that you are doing everything to ensure that your daughter grows up as an unhappy person? – I didn’t even know what arguments were needed to explain such an obvious thing.
“Yes, if I praise her, she will grow up to be selfish,” my mother did not give up.
I must say that in order to unravel this tangle of relationships, it took quite a long time to work. Thank God, Olya’s mother realized that fear of failure is not rudeness, and that the role of victim imposed on a teenager will not lead to anything good.
To overcome such helplessness, this “sword of Doccles” of modern teenagers, it is necessary to train the ability to search behavior, search activity - activity aimed at changing the situation. It is important to emphasize that it is search activity as a process, even regardless of the pragmatic result, that increases the body’s resistance to both disease and learned helplessness, which is a refusal to search. Search activity is more successfully stimulated by problems that do not have a clear solution.
The point of view of psychophysiologist V. Rotenberg on overcoming learned helplessness is very interesting. Rothenberg looks at overcoming learned helplessness from a cross-cultural and religious perspective.
Indeed, within the framework of the Orthodox religion, sacrifice, helplessness, and failure were always perceived with sympathy, all failures were explained simply: “That’s how God wants it.”
In Russia, suffering has always been elevated to a virtue, the great martyrs were deified, and the weak were supported. Therefore, strange as it may sound, in our country it is advantageous to be weak and helpless, but strong and successful is shameful. But as soon as external conditions changed globally, people, accustomed to being weak and unhappy, were unable to counteract the circumstances.
Education within the framework of Judaism, as Rotenberg notes, is characterized by the encouragement of mental activity from early childhood. The Talmud, which is studied in a religious school, is not some kind of body of undeniable truths. This is a conflict of different, often contradictory interpretations of the same events.
In contrast to other religions, Jewish children over the centuries developed an anti-dogmatic approach to the most complex issues of existence.
The child was asked to find his own position in the process of comparison and discussion. It turned out that any student could become a co-author of the commentary. He did not receive a ready-made truth (as today, unfortunately, often happens not only at school, but also at universities) - he himself looked for solutions.
The requirement for active participation in the construction of one's own personality raises the child in his own eyes and encourages him to search activity. And when he is convinced that contradictory interpretations do not deny, but complement each other, it is then that the child realizes that the same problem can have many solutions.
Nowadays the so-called “Jewish mother phenomenon” is even actively discussed on the Internet. This phenomenon is precisely about supporting a small child in all his attempts to understand the world, giving a feeling of security and instilling the thought: “You can do anything. If it didn’t work out this way, it will work out differently. Try, take action. Look for solutions."
In principle, simple truths, but for some reason everything simple seems ineffective to us. Simple physical exercise is ineffective - to be in shape, you definitely need Pilates. For a child to grow up successful, “Early Development Schools”, super-elite gymnasiums, and a tutor are required.
However, in adolescence, communication comes to the fore, and the future success of your child depends on how he will be in his group - confident, active, able to extinguish conflicts or an outcast.
Therefore, if you are the parents of a teenager, then you need to adjust your methods of communication with your own offspring. After all, adolescence is practically your last chance to correct the mistakes you made in parenting when your child was a chubby baby with dimples.
1. The main feature of adolescence is sudden hormonal and functional changes in the body, which cannot but affect its psyche. Accordingly, the style of communication with a teenager should be different from the style of communication with a primary school student. Rebuild.
2. At this age, teenagers are usually emotionally unstable and vulnerable. So watch HOW you talk as much as WHAT you say.
3. Monologues should be left in the past. What they managed to inspire, they managed to do. Now it’s just a conversation on equal terms. Get used to dialogue.
4. Be more interested in the teenager’s opinion about your life. Ask more often about future major purchases, about planning expenses, about upcoming renovations. Be sure to listen to his recommendations. And, if your son or daughter thinks that the wallpaper in the living room should be green, buy green. If you do it your way, you will lose his trust. Think about what is more important: the trust of your son (daughter) or the color of the wallpaper. And after 5 years, glue new ones, to your taste.
5. During adolescence, communication becomes the leading activity. What comes to the fore is the impression the teenager makes on his peers. Never criticize him in front of friends, don't tell stories about how he was little and did stupid things. This may be painful and will rob you of his trust.
– parents do not lecture (see point 3);
– parents understand their culture (fashion, clothing, etc.).
The fact is that in adolescence, the opinion of peers is much more important for a child than the opinion of adults. It is the opinion of peers that influences adolescent self-esteem. And for this reason, teenagers cannot ignore youth trends both in hobbies and in clothing. Spend a couple of hours and find out who is popular with young people now. When you offer to listen to something less radical, offer him an alternative in his frame of reference, and not in yours. And there is a high probability that he will listen to you (subject to point 3).
8. Argue! Your son called Parfenov “boring”, but you don’t agree? Defend your point of view, but delicately. The policy of accommodation resembles indifference. The child should feel that his opinion is interesting to you not only on an everyday level, but also on a global level.
9. At the age of 14–20 you want to change the world. If this happens to you, rejoice! Your child has a good heart. Just avoid ridicule! One wrong intonation - and the entrance to his inner world will be closed to you. Support his desire to join youth organizations. The main thing is to check (in the age of the Internet this is not difficult) that the organization is not extremist or otherwise negative in nature.
10. Praise often. Surely there is a reason. “What would I do without you”, “Thank you for helping”, “Well done” - such simple phrases, but how important they are for a teenager!
Key mistakes
Mistake #1
They continue to communicate with the teenager as if they were a junior schoolchild. The difference in the perception of the world between them is enormous. For a primary school student, the most important thing is studying. That is, one’s own worth is assessed by school success. Therefore, excellent students in junior classes enjoy unquestioned authority.
For teenagers, communication with peers comes first. And his status, self-esteem, sense of self now depends on whether he is successful with his friends, what role he plays among them, a leader or an eternal loser. Appearance comes to the fore. Try telling a five-year-old girl: “You’re fat.” And say the same to a fifteen-year-old. And you will feel the difference.
Bulimia, anorexia, dysmorphophobia (rejection of one's own appearance) are rooted in adolescence - in a careless word, in neglect of needs.
Mistake #2
Parents do not understand the importance of the first romantic interest. As if forgetting their first love, they begin to interfere with relationships, say nasty things about the object of their adoration, or even completely invade their personal life: checking their email, mobile phone, meeting them after classes. As a rule, the argument is the same: this is a frivolous hobby and can harm your studies. Although in this situation the opposite may be true. If a lover or beloved is a serious, positive person who strives to succeed in the future, then together it will be easier for them to prepare for exams and pass tests. And, by the way, under the influence of the object of love, your offspring, who dreams of a modest non-state university, may believe in himself and pass the Unified State Exam even better than expected. And all in order to enter Moscow State University together.
Well, if, after all, in his youth, the child really “blew his head,” then try to help him organize his living space so that there is enough time for both romance and preparing for exams. Seeing on your part a desire to help, and not resistance to his feelings, your offspring may well listen to your advice and combine relationships and studies.
Mistake #3
Parents focus on studying, forgetting about the need for communication. Fear for the future of their own child forces parents to work their teenager to the fullest. Not only do you study until the evening, you also have homework, courses, tutors.
But in adolescence, the natural need to communicate with peers comes to the fore. Dear parents, those who don’t know: nowadays success is 20% professionalism and 80% communication. What is communication? This is precisely the ability to communicate. So when should you learn this, if not in adolescence? While it’s not scary to get into trouble, learn from your own example that fists are not always an effective argument. Let the child learn new ways of reacting and apply new ways to get out of conflict situations. And if at home his grandmother immediately reacted to his insult with hot cheesecakes, then his peers may send him away. And be offended alone on a bench in the park.
When else to learn to communicate if not at this age? And you, on the contrary, tell me, correct, advise how to behave.
After all, if a person does not know how to communicate, then he will not see a good career - and his rationalization proposal must be competently justified. And you need to be able to competently justify your boss’s refusal. And it is advisable to have good relations with colleagues - so that they do not set you up, but, on the contrary, help and suggest.
And what can we say about family life! The ability to communicate constructively is the basis of a happy family life. Then the conflicts will be constructive, and therefore solvable.
Therefore, humble yourself and, when creating a schedule of classes, be sure to set aside time to communicate with peers - going to the cinema, visiting guests, going to discos.
Psychologists have long noticed that environment is the most important factor in the formation of personality. Many authors of books on personal effectiveness and motivation even offer this exercise: take the total average income of friends and those with whom a person communicates most often, and compare it with your own average income. Most often these two numbers coincide. So, if you compare not income among teenagers, but average school scores, the result will be approximately the same.
Communication is our primary need. As a result of communication, the individual must develop special individual qualities - acceptance of the goals of the team, coordination of actions with the group. If this does not happen, then in adulthood great difficulties in communication may arise - such a person simply will not be able to find a common language with colleagues.
Indeed, no matter how gifted a person is as a pianist, if he lives in a marginal environment, he will never know about his talent. Accordingly, the most ordinary child who is brought up among musicians has every chance to take a worthy place in the artistic world. Therefore, it is so important for parents to monitor their children’s social circle, which can be either a step up the steps of personality development or down.
A case from psychological practice:
Igor, 13 years old, was brought to a consultation by his father. Athletic, fit, confident man. Igor was very similar to him - also athletic, tall, only he had a kind of haunted look. This contrast immediately caught the eye: an interesting teenager, and a look like that of a beaten dog.
It turned out that dad saw Igor exclusively as an athlete. Powerful and authoritative, he demanded exceptional results from his son. Daily push-ups, pull-ups, squats. Classes in the swimming section. Participation in competitions where Igor has not yet shown high results. Dad was terribly annoyed and nervous. “Stupid”, “weakling” - the simplest of those epithets that the “kind” dad awarded his son every day.
Igor tried his best, but apparently even in amateur sports you need talent - he did not rise beyond fourth or fifth place.
The son really wanted to please his dad, tried his best, and was the last to leave training. But he didn’t live up to dad’s hopes.
In the class, it was the other way around - Igor was considered handsome, strong, and the girls liked him. He was an average student, but for teenagers this is no longer of fundamental importance. He was not like everyone else, and clearly stood out in a positive way compared to his frail classmates.
One day, the unspoken leader of the class asked him to help “deal” with the students of a neighboring school. What they didn’t share is not so important. The fact remains that as soon as the guys from the other company saw Igor, so tall and broad-shouldered, they immediately backpedaled and settled the matter peacefully.
This made an impression on the class leader, and he began to invite Igor “to meetings” more and more often. And then Igor was completely accepted into their team.
Now he was surrounded by guys who studied very poorly, were not interested in anything except computer games, and his immediate plans extended only to the next weekend. No long-term projects, no dreams, no life goals.
But they really valued Igor and treated him with respect. And other classmates, who had previously treated the guy with indifference, suddenly saw something in him: they began inviting him to birthday parties and outings.
Igor started skipping training and being rude to his dad. At first, dad blamed everything on adolescence and hormonal changes. But one day he “caught” Igor smoking behind the garages and was so shocked that he didn’t even scold him - he just didn’t know how to react. After the smoking episode, they both came to me for a consultation.
“You see,” dad tried to speak confidently, “I do everything for him.” And sports, and summer camp abroad, and special nutrition - just swim. And not only does he not show results, but he also got involved with these... - Dad couldn’t find the words. “They incite him not to go to training, they convinced him that he’s doing great. How good is he if he has never risen above fourth place?
“You know, I think that his classmates put a slightly different meaning into the word “well done,” I note. – And they don’t approach Igor with a scale: he won a medal - well done; didn't win - loser.
- But of course, the same amount was invested. There are as many exercise machines at home as in the gym, no housekeeping duties, just exercise,” Dad lists.
“Listen, he’s thirteen, and he’s never seen anything but sports.” If Igor has not achieved great results before this time, then it is unlikely that he will become an Olympic champion. Do you know how many kids play sports after school? Millions. How many of those who go to sports school are part of the Olympic reserve? And look how many champions we have. Sports also require talent. If your child does not have it, this is neither bad nor good. This is how nature ordered it. Maybe he has a talent for something else.
- So, just give it all up like this? – Dad is already jumping up and down in his chair.
“No, of course,” I say. – Why is everything either black or white? Either an Olympic champion, or no training at all. Try to find a middle ground. With your endless nagging, you only lower your son’s self-esteem - and nothing more. The child must be successful. If he loses all the time, then the idea that he is a loser becomes very firmly rooted in his subconscious, which poisons his life.
– That is, to praise him for fourth places? – Dad clearly doesn’t understand how this is possible.
– Listen, sometimes even participants in the Olympic Games are praised for places that are far from the prize money. What can we say about simple regional competitions? And then, I think that fourth place is not the last.
“No, but you have to try,” Dad still resists, but not too actively.
– And Igor is trying. Or did he take fourth place in his very first competition?
“No, it took him a long time to get there...” Dad paused, “he spent several years climbing.” The fourth one is also... not the fifteenth for you.
- You see, it means he tried. Understand that a child (and even an adult) must be compared not with other people and not with some abstract result. And with him the past. Today I did 10 push-ups – well done. Tomorrow I did fifteen push-ups - you’re smart! Your Igor really needs your praise and approval. And since you criticize him all the time, he began to look for this approval elsewhere. And, as you can see, I found it very quickly. Naturally, he does not want to lose the trust of the guys, so he listens to their advice. And since the company... to put it mildly, is not Oxford students, their advice is appropriate.
Thank God, Igor’s dad drew the right conclusions from our conversation. He talked to his son and said that he was still doing great, and that taking fourth place in competitions is not given to everyone. That he loves and understands. And if Igor wants, he can swim less intensely.
Igor, having received praise and recognition of his success from his father, not only did not leave the sport, but also began to practice with greater pleasure. At our last meeting, he told me that he now communicates with the guys “from that company” much less often, since there is no time. But they sometimes began to go to his competitions and cheer terribly loudly.
Yes, he has not yet risen above fourth place, but he is no longer so sensitive about it. However, just like his dad.
And I also noticed that Igor’s look had changed. He became open and confident.
The fact that in adolescence children divide everything into “black” and “white” prevents them from discerning some of the nuances in the behavior and preferences of their friends. By the way, have you noticed that some adults are just as categorical? “Whoever is not with us is against us” is a slogan that probably every person on the planet knows.
We adults are also influenced by other people. And happiness if it is a positive influence. How many adults could not resist sectarians, extremists and God knows who else. What can we say about teenagers with their flexible psyche?
Therefore, you, dear parents, must know exactly who surrounds your child and with whom he communicates. In the USSR, “bad company” meant, in the worst case, criminals. Nowadays, everything has become much worse - terrorists, extremists, etc.
And to prevent such a misfortune from happening to your child, try to follow some simple rules.
1. To begin with, it makes sense to make sure that the company really has a negative impact on your child, that you are not, as the heroine of the film “Pokrovsky Gates” said: “... in the blinders of your prejudice.” To do this, often ask the teenager about his pastime: what they did, what they talked about, what are their plans for the future. The conversation should not resemble an interrogation by the Gestapo, it should be a dialogue. Often the picture becomes clearer after the very first words - it becomes clear to you whether you were worried in vain or not.
2. If a person trusts you, he listens to your opinion. To build the trust of your own child, you must regularly perform at least most of the previous ten points.
3. You should remember that you will not achieve anything with direct prohibitions. It is much more effective to show an alternative to bad communication. True, this will require psychological investment. Go with your child to different events, hikes, and travel together more often. Sign up together (and attend!) in some “Winter Fishing Club” - provided that your offspring is interested in it. Introduce him to new, extraordinary people. Communication with more interesting interlocutors will gradually crowd out people with limited, primitive interests.
4. Your child should not have too much free time. Sports, music, daily household chores - load it up to the fullest! When choosing extracurricular activities, be sure to take into account his interests, only in this case there will be a return. And praise him often for helping around the house. You say that you can’t cope without him. It motivates.
5. Give him more books from the “Lives of Remarkable People” series. In adolescence, there is a very strong desire for high achievements in life, for exploits. Place these books even in the toilet (what to do? In this case, the end justifies the means). And then, as if by chance, ask: “Do you think Alexander the Great could have conquered the world if he had been afraid of difficulties”? Or: “Darling, can you imagine a drunken Napoleon”? Such questions, asked after reading an interesting, motivating book, make you think.
6. Sometimes even loving parents do not immediately find out about a child falling into bad company. Watch for changes in behavior: depression, sudden changes in mood, reactions that were not observed before are a reason to take immediate action. First, just talk kindly - without irritation or reproaches. Tell him that you love him very much, but you are worried. If you listen carefully (!) and hear what your child is telling you, you will clarify a lot for yourself. And then make a decision: it’s just your fears or the child needs to be urgently shown to a psychologist for an individual consultation.
7. Train your child to refuse. This must be at the level of his reflexes. Often the first step into bad company begins with the inability to fight back the phrase: “is it weak”? Teach him routine, but comprehensive phrases, against which there is nothing to object. For example, when asked to try vodka, you can answer: “I already tried it, it doesn’t taste good. I did not like". My relative, when asked to pierce her eyebrow, replied: “I won’t feel happy with a hole in my eyebrow.” They did not approach her with similar proposals again. What's your objection? Happiness is a subjective concept.
8. As corny as it sounds, you should know his friends. Then you will be able to better control the situation and prevent negative influences in time. Invite your offspring's friends to your home for joint hikes. Communicate with them, but without intrusiveness. Praise, but don’t compare (God forbid you say: “Look, how well Sveta can cook, not like you.” Just say: “Sveta, how great you can bake pies”). And when your child’s friends tell him: “Your parents are great,” you will receive additional arguments why your opinion should be listened to.
9. A teenager needs recognition of his talents, skills, and abilities. If he doesn't find them in the family, he will find them on the side. And there is a high probability that he will find them in that same “bad company.” From here there is a very simple conclusion - recognize the merits of your children more often. The arguments that he “will become arrogant” and “will grow up to be an egoist” do not stand up to criticism. He will only become arrogant if you praise him excessively and without reason. Or there will be a reason to condemn the action rather than to approve it. But if your child finished the semester with one B, having worked hard, why not praise him for it?
10. Unfortunately, it happens that all your efforts to counteract bad influence are useless. In this case, it makes sense to change your place of residence - away from the previous one. Often distance is quite a significant obstacle to communication, and it gradually fades away. Remember: there may be several apartments, they can change, but you have one child for life.
Key mistakes
Mistake #1
The pressure of stereotypes. Stereotypes play a very important role in our lives. It just seems like we are free and creative. If you have surgery, which doctor will you go to? To a handsome guy in a starched robe with a gray beard, or to a young doctor with earrings and tattoos? Of course, the series “Interns” somewhat changed the idea of doctors, but still, most of us will choose a gray-haired bearded doctor. And why? Because His Majesty the stereotype is stronger than any TV series. This, if you like, is a kind of sign: one’s own - someone else’s.
In ancient times, it was precisely this clear division that helped ancient man survive. If you run into a stranger, it’s not a fact that you will remain alive. As they say, times have changed, but the stereotype remains.
In his work “Public Opinion” (1922), the American scientist W. Lippman argued that these are ordered, schematic “pictures of the world” in a person’s head, which save his efforts in perceiving complex social objects and protect his values, positions and rights. Social psychologist G. Tezfel summarized the main findings of research in the field of social stereotypes:
- people readily display a willingness to characterize large groups of people in undifferentiated, crude, and biased terms;
- such categorization is characterized by strong stability over a very long time;
- social stereotypes may change to some extent depending on social, political or economic changes, but this process occurs extremely slowly;
- social stereotypes become more pronounced and hostile when social tensions arise between groups;
- they are acquired very early and are used by children long before clear ideas emerge about the groups to which they belong;
- Social stereotypes are not much of a problem when there is no overt hostility in group relations, but they are extremely difficult to modify and manage under conditions of significant tension and conflict.
And now, if suddenly your child’s environment does not correspond to your idea of what “decent young people” should look like, you take a stand. Who are these people, how do they influence your child, why are they dressed like that, why do they listen to such strange music?
Hitler's comrade A. Speer, in his last word at the Nuremberg trials, said: “With the help of such technical means as radio and loudspeakers, independent thinking was taken away from eighty million people.” This once again proves that many stereotypes were simply imposed on us.
The best way out of this situation is to get to know your offspring’s friends and the culture they promote. Perhaps it's something harmless. Yes, they are not like that, but do you really think that everyone was delighted with hippies in the 60s?
Mistake #2
Aggression towards friends. When you are attacked, you defend yourself. Moreover, you defend yourself automatically, even if you feel that you are wrong. The same thing happens here. If you aggressively attack friends, your child will automatically defend them. And even if he feels that you are right, the principle will not allow him to recognize his friend as “bad”.
Therefore, if you find your own child in a suspicious company, calmly ask about new friends. I wrote above that the need for communication in adolescence is the leading one, which means that something attracted your child to new friends. It is possible that communicating with them is his form of protest. And in fact, it is YOU that he wants to say something with his strange communication. As they say: “I’m not crying for you, but for Aunt Sima!”
So the first step is to talk. If you remember that there is a huge difference between a conversation and an interrogation by the Gestapo, then it is quite possible that your doubts will be dispelled.
Mistake #3
By rejecting his “bad” friends, you are not helping him find “good” ones. A teenager’s sense of self is significantly influenced by his status among his peers. And, sadly, in our time, even such a question as who to be friends with for a child cannot be done without parental participation.
Everything was simple before. Children and teenagers spent most of their time free from lessons outside. Here their socialization took place, here they learned the first rules of communication. For the most part, everyone was equal, and even if there were outright marginals in terms of behavior, the guys “from good families” practically did not communicate with them. Why, when you have a lot of friends and there will always be someone who shares your interests.
Are there many children playing in yards on their own now? If only in cottage villages in protected areas. And the simple courtyards of high-rise buildings are empty. Children play under adult supervision. Teenagers go to cafes or shopping centers. Or communicate on social networks.
It turns out that communication with peers is possible either at school or in courses. Where else can you meet people? In the yard there are only mothers with strollers and pensioners. And we still don’t know who lives next door.
Dear parents, you will again have to take everything into your own hands and organize a decent social circle for your own offspring. Firstly, these are summer camps. How long can I travel with you to the dacha? Let him go to the camp and communicate with his peers. There are a lot of horror stories about the camps about the presence of drugs, alcohol, marginalized individuals and ugly security there. This is somewhat exaggerated. Google the Internet, chat on forums, read reviews. On the contrary, there are summer camps with very strict discipline.
Secondly, despite the fact that the Komsomol has already sunk into oblivion, there are a huge number of youth public organizations in our country. Both local and federal. They conduct various seminars, rallies, flash mobs and much more that is interesting to a modern teenager. Look at the areas of their activities and invite your child to visit the page on the Internet. He's still on social media.
He may reject your proposal the first time, but if you are more cunning and persistent, you will achieve results. Just when offering, take into account his interests. It is unlikely that your modest daughter, who loves dogs and cats, will want to attend seminars of young active political scientists.
And how many youth volunteer organizations we have! The Internet will help you, you will be terribly surprised! Again, find something useful for the child himself and try to interest him. What to do, the time is such that you have to take even such a thing as friendship under your unobtrusive (this is the key word) control.
Mistake #4
Without instilling willpower in a child, you are not teaching him to fight back against provocations. Will is the highest level of regulation of human behavior. And this is the main difference between man and other living beings - the presence of will. It is thanks to the presence of will that a person is able to set goals and achieve them, overcoming internal and external obstacles. It is thanks to the will that a person’s choice is conscious when he has to choose from several models of behavior.
Interestingly, volitional behavior can be simple and complex. If volitional behavior is simple, then the goal does not go beyond the immediate situation. And this behavior is carried out using simple, habitual actions that are performed almost “automatically”.
But a complex volitional process... It includes both taking into account the consequences and awareness of the true motives for making a decision.
A complex act of will includes 4 stages:
1. goal setting;
2. struggle of motives;
3. decision;
4. execution.
Volitional action is a conscious, purposeful action that subordinates all impulses to strict subconscious control, changing the surrounding space in accordance with a given goal. The presence of willpower and volitional behavior are always associated with making efforts, making decisions, and implementing plans.
By the way, one of the signs of strong-willed behavior is the absence of immediate pleasure received in the process of achieving a result.
Psychologist S.L. Rubinstein, considering issues of the psychology of will in his works, identified several mechanisms for training willpower:
– anticipating the results of one’s activities;
– setting independent tasks;
– creating artificial connections (for example, I’ll wash the floor and immediately go for a walk);
– subordination of the result to a broader goal;
– fantasizing.
All these mechanisms must be trained from childhood, and training is a must. If a teenager has a big goal and adequate self-esteem, he is unlikely to succumb to provocations.
Imagine purely hypothetically that at the Olympics in Sochi, on the eve of the performance of the free program, a friend will come to figure skater Tatyana Volosozhar and say: “Tanya, let’s go for a walk. Let’s go to the club and drink champagne.” I think the answer is obvious - the girlfriend will fly out of the room like a butterfly. Because when you have a big, significant goal - to become an Olympic champion - various provocations are perceived as stupidity in the highest degree.
And if the mythical girlfriend starts to take it “weakly”, calling her “henpecked”, then guess three times whether the skater will feel guilty, sending her away? Not at all, I think.
Your children should be able to refuse, be able to respond to provocations. And without training in willpower, it will be extremely difficult for them to do this. Help them set a goal, teach them to refuse. Then your child will be safer than his peers who, for the praise of strangers: “Well done, he didn’t chicken out, he drank!” - will be ready to sacrifice their own principles.
A case from psychological practice:
In trainings for teenagers, I often use one exercise that trains the ability to refuse.
It's called "My Territory". To perform this exercise you will need a regular rope. Or a gymnastic hoop. Each person from the group takes turns going to the center of the hall and using a rope or hoop on the floor to make a circle. Then he stands in the center of this circle. This is his private territory. You cannot enter it without permission. You can only persuade him to let you into your circle.
The task of a teenager standing in a circle is not to let anyone in for as long as possible; the task of the group is to get into the circle. To get inside the circle, group members can use any tricks: psychological manipulation, flattery, persuasion. The main thing is to find a weak point, to find the key to the person standing inside the circle.
The task of the presenter is to draw the attention of the teenager inside the circle to which manipulations he reacts most painfully. Which was especially unpleasant for him to hear. And discuss with the group what words were used to hide what manipulations, what strings of the soul they tried to play on. This could be fear, desire for pleasure, pity, shame, etc.
For example, manipulations based on feelings of guilt may well be hidden behind the harmless: “Yeah, I gave you my gadget, and this is how you treated me...” And outright flattery can also be quite well packaged: “How is it possible for such a good, smart person like you, Can you keep me out of the circle?
When completing the exercise, be sure to tell the teenager: “You give the hoop (or rope) to me, but your territory, your private space, will remain with you. Repeat". The teenager repeats so that his subconscious remembers that private territory is a sacred place, and a person has the right to refuse anyone to enter it.
Raising children, spending time and energy on them, giving them love, we sincerely believe that our offspring will be obedient, kind and attentive to us. In fact, teenagers, who just yesterday, as kids, needed our company so much, today do not want to spend their free time with us and everything we say is met with hostility. They drive us off the pedestal because they are confident that they know more than we do. And now it’s so difficult for us to “fit” into their lives.
Let's figure out why our girls turned from little princesses with curls, pigtails, dolls and bows into wild, gloomy teenagers.
And the girl has matured
The crisis of adolescence is the most difficult, because at this time any person experiences the so-called “I-identification”. During these years, for the first time in our lives, we become aware of ourselves, our character, and try to understand and feel our place in society. For the first time we think about the questions of why we came into this world and what we want from life. Add to this first loves, mostly unrequited, school stress, worries about one’s appearance and status among peers - and you get a cocktail of emotions that a teenager is not always able to “digest.”
From the age of 12, girls begin to move away from their parents, and this is normal. If previously parental opinion was unquestioning and authoritative, now all statements of mom and dad are questioned and challenged. Advice, teachings and instructions no longer have the same power. The well-known law “the force of resistance is equal to the force of pressure” begins to work. Coming into conflict with society, which is natural for a teenager, the girl considers her parents to be the main representatives of this society. The relationship between mom and dad (not to mention their lifestyle, choice of professions...) is also criticized. “And how can these people advise me anything?!” - the girl is sincerely indignant.
A teenage girl's world is turned upside down. What was valuable in childhood is now devalued (but this is temporary!). Everything related to parents and upbringing falls into the unnecessary category. But it is during this difficult period that girls develop a system of values with which they will have to live further. And if you leave a teenager alone now, the consequences may be unpredictable.
Mom's emotions
Mothers also perceive the behavior of teenage girls painfully. Surely, after another scandal over unfinished homework, late returns home, choice of clothes (friends, musical preferences...) mothers do not understand what they did to deserve such an attitude and when it will all end...
“What is my mistake?” - mothers ask themselves. The fact is that they continue to perceive their teenage daughter as a child, or that they gave her complete freedom too early, and now for some reason they are trying to limit her. The fact that they show their daughters their emotions (offense, weakness, tears...). After all, teenagers tend to experience both aggression directed at their parents and a strong sense of guilt for their negative emotions. Or that they do not show any emotions and remain “iron ladies” in conversations with their daughters. It turns out that any action of the parents can be perceived by the teenager as extremely painful, can hurt even more, can push away, make him doubt or get irritated. But the world of a teenager has now become incredibly fragile and unstable.
Relationship models
In addition, the model of relationships chosen by the mother has a great influence on the girl’s perception of her mother’s words. So, if an authoritarian management style has developed in the family (“as mother said, so it will be”), then all the previously suppressed emotions in the girl will find a way out - in aggressive behavior, total disobedience and the desire to do everything in defiance.
If a mother chose the strategy “my daughter is an adult and knows everything herself” when her daughter was still a baby, then now, in adolescence, the girl will begin to follow this rule with all her might. And it will be oh so difficult to prove to her “who is boss in the house.”
Mothers who are too attached to their daughters will probably suffer the most, because the desire to walk hand in hand with your daughter all her life is destructive for both.
The most optimal way of interaction before and during adolescence is a trusting relationship in which the daughter is not afraid to tell her secrets to her mother, is not afraid of punishment and knows that she can find support from her mother.
Do you know who teenagers listen to and whose opinion is really important to them? Friends' opinion. So take advantage of the fact that your world has been built for a long time, and your child’s world is only in the process of formation. Give your daughter support, become her friend. Be interested in her music, hobbies, passions, but without fanaticism. Don’t judge for this or that choice; you probably know from your own experience that judgment is repulsive. Continue to advise, point out mistakes - only using humor, lightness, showing love.
Don't be upset every time your daughter refuses to communicate. And don’t show her the extent of your grief. When we try to play on guilt, we most often lose.
Read psychological literature about the characteristics of adolescence - the more we understand, the less we fear.
And don’t despair, the turbulent stage of growing up will end, and your relationship will definitely improve. Be patient.
Personal opinion
Yuri Kuklachev:
You need to talk to children, they should be your friends. Respect your child, do not allow yourself to humiliate him. Otherwise, everything will end with the child growing up and saying: “Screw you, commander, I won’t go visit you.”
Recommendations for parents: “How to communicate with a teenager”
Basic rules for adults to consider when interacting with teenagers
1. Rules, restrictions, requirements, prohibitions must be in the life of every teenager. This is especially useful to remember for parents who want to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. If there are no restrictions, this means that adults follow the child’s lead, allowing a permissive parenting style that is by no means the best.
2. But! There should not be too many rules, restrictions, requirements, prohibitions, and they must be flexible. This rule warns against the other extreme - education in the spirit of “tightening the screws,” an authoritarian style of communication.
3. Parental attitudes should not come into obvious conflict with the child’s most important needs (the need for movement, cognition, exercise, communication with peers, whose opinions he often respects more than the opinions of adults).
4. Rules, restrictions, requirements, prohibitions must be agreed upon by adults among themselves. Otherwise, children prefer to insist, whine, extort, in a word, they begin to successfully manipulate adults.
5. The tone in which the requirement and prohibition are communicated should be friendly, explanatory, and not imperative.
6. About punishments. No one is immune from mistakes, and there will come a time when you will need to respond to a teenager’s clearly bad behavior. Remember that the degree of punishment should correspond to the seriousness of the offense, and it is important not to overdo it. We punish one offense once, and do not endlessly remember other people’s mistakes.
It is necessary to build a good, if possible, trusting relationship with your child. To achieve this, you need:
1. Talk to the teenager in a friendly, respectful tone. Restrain your desire to criticize, and encourage any impulse of your child to discuss something with you. Show respect for your teen as an individual.
2. Be both firm and kind. An adult should act not as a judge, but as an adviser.
3. Remove excessive control. Controlling a teenager requires special attention from adults. In the case of hypercontrol, responding with anger will not lead to success, but rather will ruin the relationship.
4. Support the teenager. Unlike rewards, a child needs support even when (and primarily when) he does not achieve success.
5. Have courage. Changing behavior takes practice, time and patience.
6. Demonstrate trust and confidence in the teenager.
How not to become his enemy?
1. The main thing in a relationship with a teenager is not to “play” anything, but to feel a real readiness to adapt to constantly changing situations and moods, to have a flexible position in relation to the opinions and views of the child and to respect any manifestations of his personality.
2. The time of unconditional authority of adults is irrevocably gone, so commanding and leading will no longer be possible. This tactic is doomed to fail. Instead, the regulator of relationships will be your authority, status and specific actions.
3. One of the features of adolescence is the need for risk, most often dictated by the desire to assert oneself. This is difficult to accept, but the only way to avoid big problems is to be ready to openly discuss these topics with your child, speak to him in his language and together find other ways to assert himself.
4. The ability to maintain a sense of humor and optimism will be important. The teenager perceives much of what happens to him with a great deal of tragedy. Therefore, your ability to defuse the situation can play the role of a “lightning rod” here. Just don’t make fun of the child or make fun of his feelings. But it will be useful to look at any situation from a positive perspective.
5. If a teenager wants to ask a question about relationships with someone or ask about something that worries him, do not refuse him advice, but remember that everyone has the right to do as they see fit.
Rules for “concluding” contracts with a teenager:
1. You need to negotiate “on the shore” - before the child goes for a walk, to visit friends, etc. If you do not have time to agree on time, the train has left. It makes no sense to demand from a child something that was not agreed upon in advance.
2. Immediately determine what is the “fine” for non-compliance with the agreement. It is best to choose a fine to choose a reduction in hours for meetings and walks with friends or spending time on the Internet, or a punishment in the form of non-attendance to your favorite club or sports section. Remember - by limiting a child, you increase the importance of what you are denying him.
3. In case of non-compliance with the agreement, you firmly (not cruelly, but firmly and confidently) remind the child of the terms of the agreement and again calmly speak out loud the terms of your agreement (“Calm, only calm,” as Carlson said). After this, you set a day on which the pre-agreed “fine” comes into effect: without emotions, without triumph, without regret, without vindictive notes in your voice (why emotions - you are an adult, experienced person who has already passed adolescence and knows how to behave hold back).
What not to say to a child
Be careful not to tell a teenager: “Nonsense, not worth attention.” Teenagers perceive their surroundings much more acutely; they are not yet accustomed to the petty meanness of life. What seems trivial to you may become a tragedy for them.
Avoid phrases that can be interpreted literally. The phrase “Why did I give birth to you?” a teenager may perceive that you want him dead.
A teenager needs to be sure that he is loved, despite the fact that he does something wrong. “I am not satisfied with your actions, but not with you” - put this meaning into all your reprimands.
Even in a fit of anger, do not tell your child that you are tired of him, that he annoys you, and the worst thing is that you hate him... Do not take your anger out on your teenager. During puberty, his nerves are constantly on edge. He may take your swearing as a signal to “leave forever.” What will happen to you?
Listen to your children's advice!
Rather than listen to a sermon, I’d rather take a look.
And it is better to guide me than to show me the way.
The eyes are smarter than the ears - they will understand everything without difficulty.
Words are sometimes confusing, but examples never are.
The best preacher is the one who has lived his faith.
Welcome to see in action - this is the best of schools.
And if you tell me everything, I will learn a lesson.
But the movement of hands is clearer to me than a stream of rapid words.
It must be possible to believe clever words.
But I’d rather see what you do yourself.
In case I misunderstand your wonderful advice.
But I will understand how you live: in truth or not.
Methods of responding to irritation and conflict in a teenager:
1. Let him express his objections before his grumbling and words turn into screaming, tears and hysterics. If it comes to hysteria, let him shout and throw out his emotions to the maximum. Leave your grievances - you are not a small child, but an adult, do not take to heart everything your child says - constantly remember the changes in his body, do not feel sorry for him, do not scold him, set an example of calm and prudence with all your appearance. Teach him to be an adult by your own example and then you will become an authority for him. So, now catch the moment when the child calms down and takes an expectant pause. At this moment you need to take the next step.
2. Calmly ask what exactly the child is dissatisfied with, why he does not agree and what solution he sees. Emphasize that the solution to the problem should be beneficial to both you and him - you are now adults and must take into account each other’s rights.
3. Listen to him without interrupting (this is very important!) and begin to explain your position with the words - “I understand you, but then what should I do....?” and explain the “disadvantage” of your position, but keep in mind that it must truly be disadvantageous than the position of your child.
4. Listen to the teenager CAREFULLY if he has something to say, if not, summarize: “I propose to do this and that”... and voice the position that is most beneficial for both of you.
Repeat this technique until complete agreement is reached exactly according to the instructions, without breaking down, without pretending, but listening carefully, sincerely perceiving the teenager as equal to you in the rights of an adult.
Not everything may go smoothly the first time and something may not work out at all, but, as you know, practice, practice and more practice!
Your indignation is not excluded now: “it’s easy to say from the outside, but you try with mine”, “my child is not like that - it’s impossible to agree with him”, “he doesn’t understand anything yet, I better know what he needs”
How to communicate with a teenager?
Peculiarities of communication between a teenager and adults
Adolescence is full of contradictions and paradoxes. Mood swings, nervousness, increased attention to oneself, one’s appearance and the perception of oneself by others, sentimentality, the desire to be “like everyone else” and no worse than others are surprisingly combined with arrogance, harshness, the desire to refute established rules and axioms, to stand out from the crowd. At this time, all moral principles and views on life are revised, and even the most obedient and exemplary angelic children can turn into unbearable and uncontrollable teenagers. Many parents experience difficulties not knowing how to communicate with a difficult teenager, and in some of the most radical cases, conflicts that begin at this time develop and continue for many years, splitting the family and depriving its members of the opportunity to live in peace and harmony. Teenagers are shy and at the same time cheeky (mostly demonstratively), and during this period family communication most often becomes quite tense. Let's look at how to teach a teenager to communicate.
How to communicate with your teenage son?
Respect his views and opinions.
Don't try to control him in everything.
Support him in his quest to look good. Your son is learning to build relationships with girls and your task is to help him with this. This does not mean that you should look for girlfriends for him or comment on the appearance and behavior of all the girls he knows. Just help him feel more confident.
Let him choose his own friends. If you see that he has fallen under the influence of unfavorable company, do not express your protest to him in a categorical form, do not forbid him to see his friends - this will only entail a protest and alienation of your son from you. With prohibitions you will achieve only one thing - your son will hide “bad” friends and activities from you. Agree, this is unlikely to be what you are striving for.
How to communicate with your teenage daughter?
Don't forbid her to dress and make up the way she wants. Better help her learn how to choose outfits and makeup. Teenagers tend to inadequately evaluate their appearance and your task is to help your daughter accept and love herself.
Listen to her opinion, do not reject her ideas or proposals without adequate argumentation.
Avoid strict control - forbidden fruit is sweet, and teenagers tend to do everything against orders.
Avoid negative value judgments (“you look terrible”, “you do everything against us”, “you behave disgustingly”). Express your thoughts with “I-judgments” (“I’m very upset with your behavior”, “let me help”, “I’m worried”).
No matter what gender your child is, remember that he is an independent person and has the right to remain so. Give your teenager the opportunity to live his own life, make decisions and feel like an adult. This does not mean that you should “let things slide” and allow your son or daughter to do whatever they want. Just respect them and teach them good things, not through moralizing, but through personal example. If you agree on something, then keep your word. You cannot prohibit what you agreed on yesterday just because you are tired or out of sorts.
Allow the teenager to plan his own life, do not force a profession, hobby, or lifestyle on him. Be interested in your child, spend time with him, find a common hobby or entertainment. Let your son help you choose equipment, and let your daughter tell you about youth fashion - teenagers love to “educate”, it helps them feel more confident. Tell your children about your childhood and how you were as teenagers. Learn to listen and hear, because what seems trivial to you, in the eyes of a teenager may be the most important thing in the world. Try to communicate with a teenager not as a child, but as an adult equal to yourself. These simple tips will help you maintain normal family relationships and avoid many troubles.
Greetings, dear readers! As a child, I often heard my mother say: “Little children are little troubles, and big children are big troubles.” I didn’t understand why she said that until I became a mother myself. The older a child gets, the more interesting it is to communicate with him, but at the same time more difficult. He turns into an independent person with his own desires and opinions, which often do not coincide with his parents’. And instead of an easy-going, sweet child, you suddenly find an uncontrollable and unbalanced cynic. This is all the notorious transitional age. Therefore, parents who do not know how to find a common language with a teenager will definitely find the advice from this article useful.
What happens to a child during adolescence
Adolescence refers to the period from 12 to 17 years. It is at this time that the child’s behavior sharply becomes contradictory, unpredictable and protest. The child’s physical and mental state, his attitude towards himself and the world around him change. The following aspects are undergoing the most dramatic changes.
- Body. During adolescence, the bodies of boys and girls begin to actively produce sex hormones. Because of this, the growth and development of the child’s body is significantly enhanced. There is a sharp growth spurt, body proportions change, and puberty begins. A teenager is no longer a child, but not yet an adult.
- Mood. Hormonal surges make a teenager's mood extremely unstable. It changes dramatically for no apparent reason. Joy instantly turns into resentment, euphoria gives way to rage. Not every adult can cope with such leaps.
- Relationships with parents. Adults are frightened by the changes happening to their son or daughter. Many people do not understand how to behave correctly and begin to contradict themselves. On the one hand, they continue to tell the teenager what to do in a commanding tone (“sit down and do your homework,” “be home by 9,” “clean up your room,” etc.). And on the other hand, they begin to demand from him adult responsibility and independence (“at your age I was already a candidate for master of sports,” “think about your future yourself,” etc.).
The changes occurring in the child frighten parents. They don’t know how to react to their teenager’s defiant antics, his deliberate rudeness, and reluctance to communicate. But with such behavior the child tries to hide his weaknesses, cope with awkwardness and shyness. He strives with all his might to become an adult and independent.
Therefore, dear parents, it is normal for a teenager if he:
- refuses to talk about his day at school;
- began to spend more time in the company of friends;
- asks not to enter his room without knocking on the door;
- prohibits tinkering with his personal belongings (closet, briefcase);
- began to study worse;
- shirks from household duties;
- often changes interests (trying to draw, then take photographs, then play the guitar, then write poetry and songs, etc.);
- reacts too emotionally to your comments;
- begins to keep a diary (mostly girls 13 years old and older).
The teenager is not doing this out of spite or to spite you. He’s just trying to get to know himself, form his personality, understand what’s happening to him. He no longer cares about school grades or parental approval. What becomes much more important is how he looks, what his status is in the team and how the opposite sex reacts to him.
So, dear parents, be patient and show miracles of wisdom to easily survive this difficult period together with your vulnerable, vulnerable and defenseless teenage child.
Remember yourself at his age: what you were interested in, what you dreamed of, who you were friends with and communicated with, how you spent your free time from school, how you studied at school. Try to feel that state again, at least a little, to experience those emotions. You were just like your teenager. You understand your daughter or son. This is the most important thing to understand in order to maintain a trusting relationship with your growing child. There is no need to go on the warpath with him, conclude a peace treaty and learn to communicate correctly.
Rules for communicating with a teenager
Your baby has grown up, he begins to demand respect for himself, and your authority is rapidly falling. Therefore, it’s time to learn the rules of communication with a teenager so as not to lose contact.
No moralizing or falsehood
To the routine question: “How are you?” thrown over your shoulder, you will receive, at best, the same routine answer: “Everything is fine!” This is no longer a 5-year-old kid who was ready to talk non-stop about everything: about his childhood affairs, plans, thoughts, dreams. A teenager's sincerity must be earned by showing him attention and respect.
In addition, most often, instead of words of support, adults rain down long moralizing lectures on the teenager, peppering it with phrases like: “But I’m your age...” or “You didn’t listen to me, so you’re suffering!” Agree that this completely discourages you from continuing communication.
Teenagers are very sensitive and vulnerable. They are angry with their parents for their selfishness, cold indifference, hypocritical moral teachings and sense falsehood very well. The child needs your support, not boring lectures.
To start a conversation, put your phone aside and close your laptop. Nothing should distract you. Look your daughter or son straight in the eyes with tenderness and love, but do not glare at him, otherwise he will suspect something is wrong. Be natural.
Don't interrogate with passion
Many teenagers withdraw into themselves and try not to tell their parents anything or ask them anything. A growing child tries to demonstrate his independence in this way. Prove to yourself and others that you can solve problems yourself. Although in fact during this period he needs his mom and dad even more than in childhood. But fearing misunderstanding from adults, he remains silent and does not ask for advice.
The worst thing you can do in this situation is try to force your daughter or son to talk to you, get angry at him, pester him with questions and surround him with annoying attention. You will definitely receive a heated rebuff. Tension between you will increase, and all this will result in conflict. Trust will be lost. Now he will definitely only go for advice to friends who already mean a lot to him.
Share your news and plans
You can talk to a teenager on almost any topic. Discuss with your son or daughter your boss, money issues, interesting incidents at work, etc. This will help you not only maintain contact with your child, but also unobtrusively educate him. By discussing various events with a teenager, you will be able to form the right opinion in him and express your positive and negative assessments. If as a child you read bedtime stories to your son or daughter, now move on to real life stories.
Share your plans with your teenager and ask him for advice. This way he will take an active part in your life, learn to make decisions and take responsibility for them, and empathize. Let your son help you choose a new phone, and your daughter help you choose an office outfit. Just be restrained in your assessments. You shouldn’t tear to smithereens what your child has chosen for you. Remember that a teenager is just learning to make decisions.
Learn to actively listen
“Communicate with the child. How?" – this is the name of the book by Soviet and Russian psychologist Yulia Gippenreiter. This is one of the most interesting books about parenting that I have read. One of the techniques proposed by the author is called active listening. It helps well in situations where a child behaves badly or does not comply with your request. This method is very effective when working with children from 4 to 10 years old. But it also works with teenagers. It is important that they hear you!
Instead of asking questions: “When will you finally clean your room?” or “Why don’t you listen to me?”, you just need to say your guess about the reason for bad behavior in an affirmative form.
To make it clearer, I will give an example. For example, a child refuses to clean up the room. Instead of questions and orders, you need to calmly say: “You don’t want to clean up because you’ve been asked a lot at school and you’re very tired.” If you have correctly identified the reason, your son will indignantly confirm this (“Oh, screw it! They asked so much that you don’t want anything at all! There were also 6 lessons”). Surprisingly, after a little time the teenager will still clean his room. He saw that you are not indifferent, you understand how difficult it is for him, and that means you love him.
If you didn’t guess the reason, and your son continues to lie calmly on the bed, ignoring your words, then wait a pause and express the next version of his reluctance to clean up.
When I read about active listening, I didn’t believe that this method worked. Then I decided to try it on my eldest daughter, who refused to put the toys back in their place. It worked! Now I always try to actively listen to my children, but not in order to force them to fulfill my request, but to understand the reason for disobedience and help them cope with it.
What to talk about with a teenager
It is much easier to communicate with a teenager if since childhood you have allowed him to talk about everything, reacted calmly and correctly and talked about yourself. Listen to your child more, give him the opportunity to speak out, and be sure to discuss the following points with him.
- Himself. Be interested in the child’s condition not only when he is sick. A teenager’s body is developing rapidly, and many processes occur for the first time. Talk to your child about his well-being, behavior, dreams, goals, and physiological changes. About everything connected with him.
- Relationships with the opposite sex and sex. He should learn about this from you, and not from friends “from the back alley.” Sex life will begin sooner or later, no matter how much you want it. You should not entrust education in matters of sexual relations and contraception to someone else, thinking that the teenager will somehow cope on his own and find out everything. Otherwise, it will be a shock for the mother to become pregnant with her daughter at 16 years old. Your task is to protect your child from possible problems and risks associated with the onset of sexual activity.
- You. They did not expect? But in vain! It is during adolescence that a child stops idealizing his parents. Now he begins to evaluate them critically. Share your thoughts, doubts, mistakes with your teenager, talk about your good and not so good experiences. You are no longer an indisputable authority for the child. Now you can become either his best friend or his enemy.
A teenager is no longer a kid with whom you did everything together: walked, played, read, etc. Now your child is growing up, and he has his own interests, hobbies, and friends. He is becoming more and more independent. To continue to get along with your son or daughter, I suggest you follow these guidelines.
Become a role model
What could be better than a satisfied and successful parent?! Don't get hung up on the child. Find time for yourself and your interests. The atmosphere in the house will become calmer and friendlier, and your teenager will follow your example.
Accept your child for who he is and support him
Teenagers have many complexes related to their appearance. Don't laugh at him, just help him. Want to dye your hair? Take me to the hairdresser. Want a tattoo? Invite him to make a temporary one. Any prohibition you make will be perceived as a signal to action. Both externally and internally he remains your child.
Knock on the room
This way you will let your son or daughter know that you respect his personal space. He will feel significant, which is very important in a difficult transition period.
Instead of blaming and reproaching, explain your feelings
For example, the usual: “You haven’t done your homework again!” replace with the phrase: “Your attitude towards studying upsets me.”
Don't raise your voice
Shouting is not an argument. On the contrary, when you scream, the teenager begins to feel that he is right, realizing that you have no arguments. Your menacing tone will make a stronger impression than a wild scream. Even if he is rude, don’t lose your temper! Maintain your composure at all costs. This is one of the most effective ways to help win an argument.
Apologize if you do mess up
When tension increases, it is best to disperse to different corners of the ring. Both the parent and the teenager will cool down, calm down and think about the situation. Well, if you couldn’t restrain yourself and you said too much, apologize. Learn to negotiate correctly.
Share his hobbies with your teenager
Now is your time to explore the wonderful world in which your son or daughter lives. Watch youth TV series, sports competitions together, listen to music that your child likes. Perhaps his tastes will seem wild to you, but remember yourself at this age. Did your parents share your interests? And also communicate with your child in instant messengers and social networks. In the virtual space, the conversation is easier, more relaxed and simpler than in personal contact.
Keep an eye on your child so you don't miss anything important.
Unfortunately, some parents are faced with the fact that their teenager becomes difficult, completely out of control, starts smoking, drinking alcohol, drugs, breaking the law by getting involved with bad company. Here you are unlikely to cope on your own. It is better to seek help from a psychologist. Better yet, try to avoid such situations. Another good reason to take a teenager to a psychologist is prolonged depression. He constantly sits in the room, is not interested in anything, does not know how. This condition can easily provoke suicide. This cannot be done without the help of a professional. Be sensitive and attentive parents! No one knows your child better than you!
I understand that there is a lot of information, and it is unlikely that you will be able to remember all these rules at once, so to reinforce the material, I advise you to also watch a video from a psychologist. She explains in a very interesting and accessible way the main points in communicating with teenagers.
Conclusion
Dear parents, if your child is already 12 years old and you feel that you are starting to lose contact with him, take immediate action. The tips I have given in this article will help you restore the lost good relationship with your growing child. Help your inexperienced, but very sensitive and intelligent little man overcome this difficult transition period. There is no need to become an additional source of stress for a teenager. He needs your love, attention and care!
Even the very concept of “adolescence” is associated with problems. Adults realize that their children are under attack from hormones, and colossal changes are taking place in the psychological sphere. However, this does not help them in any way in establishing contact with their own, until recently so small and naive, children. The best solution is to sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help solve difficulties in communicating with a teenager.
A few words about the stages of growing up
The process of growing up can be divided into 3 main stages:
- Childhood. This period lasts up to approximately 11 years.
- Young adolescence. 11-14 years old.
- Senior adolescence. 15-18 years old.
Each stage of growing up has its own characteristics. Most often, problems arise with teenagers aged 14-16 years. Children begin to understand themselves and the motives of their actions differently. To prevent physiological and mental changes from becoming an obstacle in the relationship between teenagers and their parents, adults have to make efforts. It will be much easier if you apply in time.
Why do difficulties arise in communicating with a teenager?
At approximately 13-14 years of age, the adolescent's focus switches from parents, teachers and mentors to peers. Friends, classmates, older comrades become more significant than before. Children begin to be guided by their opinions, but at the same time strive to preserve their own individuality. This becomes the cause of internal conflicts.
The teenager has new needs. They are well displayed in the table (see screenshot, clickable image). These needs are partially satisfied through the appearance of idols - ideals to which adolescents strive. Often this is one of the elders. It is such a comrade who becomes a confidant, an authority.
Under its influence, a teenager can change his image, the way he dresses, and communicate with peers and adults. It often has an influence, hence experiments with nicotine, alcohol, and drugs. If this happens to your child, you need psychological help.
In the period of 14-16 years, positive changes occur in the thinking of adolescents:
- Concentration improves. It becomes easier for a teenager to complete assigned tasks. It is easier for him to switch to other things if necessary.
- Memory develops. The child becomes less distracted, remembers and comprehends information better.
- Independent thinking becomes apparent. A teenager is already able not only to perceive and reproduce information, but also to make his own conclusions.
The teenager feels a phantom feeling of adulthood. He is quite capable of coping with complex tasks and is ready to be responsible for the results of his activities. During the same period, a craving for the opposite sex appears, the first love. It is accompanied by anxiety, fear of being rejected, and any attempts by adults to interfere with feelings are sharply and rudely suppressed. (see screenshot. Image is clickable)
Teenagers often have problems with adults. He is often offended, feels rejected and lonely. Hence the rudeness and harshness towards parents. They should show patience and understanding so as not to provoke serious conflicts.
- Don't read notations. Lecture material in the style of “in our time...” is a pointless waste of time. The child will not hear you at all.
- Don't blame. If your child has done something wrong, formulate your complaints something like this: “It upsets me that you...”
- Don't be intimidated by "serious talk." as if in between times - while doing homework or while walking together. There is no need to sit him opposite and interrogate him. This is not a constructive approach.
- Communicate in the format that is closest to your child. Of course, the easiest way is to call and arrange an interrogation with passion. But if you really want to get the information you need, send a couple of jokes in the chat, a funny video, and then you can ask about business. The likelihood of receiving a detailed answer increases.
- Don't criticize interests. Your child’s hobbies probably seem strange to you, but try to understand what exactly he likes and why. This will bring you closer.
- Praise. Your child needs approval now more than ever. His self-esteem is unstable. Praise him for any reason.
- Don't be categorical. The words “always” and “never” are unacceptable when communicating with a teenager. Give yourself and him room to maneuver.
- Do not Cry. No matter how infuriated you are by your teenager's behavior, control your emotions.
- Talk. If your child answers questions in monosyllables, discuss topics that are interesting to him and clarify the details. Seeing your interest, the teenager will start talking.
- Do not panic. In many ways, parents themselves provoke the closeness of their children. Don't make mountains out of molehills. If a child admits to liking someone, this does not mean that you will become a grandmother right now. Interest in a beautiful singer does not mean a desire to undergo plastic surgery. Better clarify and communicate openly.
A teenager is a whole world, complex, but incredibly interesting. If difficulties in communicating with him seem insurmountable to you, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist at our Center in Saratov.
Remember, all problems can be solved, including those related to teenagers. The main thing is to pay attention to them in time and take the right actions.
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