Relationship with husband after the birth of a child. Family problems. Why relationships deteriorate after the birth of a child

Everyone probably remembers that every man must raise a son, build a house and plant a tree. Please note - the son comes first, that is, there is nothing more important than the child. A woman was always, first of all, considered a mother and keeper of the home, and only then did we talk about other tasks. Is this surprising?

In fact, we are talking about the implementation of one of the main human instincts - the instinct of procreation, and it is impossible to resist this instinct. However, the question arises as to why it happens that in a family that has always seemed prosperous and happy, problems begin with the birth of a child. And not the problems associated with raising a child, but the problems associated with the relationship between a man and a woman.

Is it really possible that the appearance of a child in a family can lead to troubles, strife, quarrels, which can sometimes even end in the collapse of the family? And is this really the fault of the baby, who won’t even learn to stand on his own feet soon? The baby has appeared - this is great, but where do the love and mutual understanding go?

About love…

Where does love go after the birth of a child?

Firstly, we need to figure out what exactly has changed with the birth of the baby and why it seems to someone that love has disappeared. Secondly, if something has really changed, is the new person who appeared in this world to blame? Thirdly, it is very important to understand what exactly people consider love and whether the feeling that disappeared was really love.

There are a great many definitions of love; poets, philosophers, sociologists, and even biochemists have spoken about love. But still, every couple and every person has their own love and it is never repeated, just as the inner world is not repeated. However, something unites all varieties of such different feelings. But what is it and what allows us to consider a certain feeling as love?

Unfortunately, love is often called anything from admiration to ordinary material calculation. But the trouble is that the object of admiration may change over time, that the calculation may turn out to be wrong, that yesterday a suitable partner, in relation to whom the word “love” was used, today may look completely different and lose its attractiveness (either fell ill, or whether he became poor). And if the family was created on the basis of love-admiration or love-mathematics, then is it any wonder that it disappeared?

Why is this happening? Because admiring a holiday person, or a magician, or an encyclopedia person is much simpler and easier than loving (this time really loving) a person who sleeps little, who is constantly torn between a child and the need to do something around the house or at work, who does not always have time to notice something or react to something, if this something does not relate to the baby...

Add here the fact that even the healthiest and most prosperous baby sometimes gets sick, the baby’s tummy often swells, then his teeth are cut... And when they talked about eternal and all-conquering love, was this taken into account?

In fact, love is not only a beautiful picture and an interesting adventure, it is not only sunrises and sunsets, poems and songs, parties and trips to the warmest lands, as well as to any others, but it is the ability to understand, the ability to listen, the ability to give up some of your preferences, the ability to adapt to someone else, the willingness to forgive, the constant readiness to come to the rescue, help out, replace, save, and sometimes the willingness to sacrifice oneself...

And if they say that love disappeared in a family after the birth of a child, then one immediately wants to ask what exactly was considered love in this family... Surely in such a family no one was ever going to help anyone or lend a shoulder, was not going to help anyone out or understand , especially if it somehow contradicts personal interests...

However, there are many cases where love really was not a simple hobby or an arithmetic operation, when in fact there was mutual respect and understanding, when the baby was desired and expected, but the love disappeared...

Does love disappear?

If love really existed, then with the birth of a child it could not go anywhere, it’s just that those feelings that used to go to one loved one are now divided into two, and, mind you, in different proportions, since one loved one is so tiny that it requires constant and constant attention.

And it’s a pity if another loved one (and the person is a completely adult) is offended that they spend less time with him or that they stopped preparing tender soufflés, homemade ice cream, or that they don’t bring coffee to bed. As a result, it turns out that it is not love that is divided in different proportions, but time and attention... And love is either there or it is not, and it is impossible to divide love into parts.

This may probably seem like an exaggeration, but every newly-made young father should understand well that his wife has just given birth to a child, and it is well known that even the most prosperous pregnancy and the easiest childbirth are a huge stress for the female body.

And if you consider that both pregnancy and childbirth for many modern women do not always fit into the ideal pattern, then it becomes completely clear that the young mother must come to her senses at least a little. We immediately understand that the baby and his care are the most important thing, and it becomes absolutely clear that it is the young dad who must temporarily sacrifice some of his interests and offer his help.

Should a woman who has just returned from the maternity hospital assure her husband of undying love? And what will such assurances give the spouse?

Are hormones to blame?

It is very important that young parents do not forget that in the life of a young woman who has just become a mother, the role of hormonal changes that occur both during pregnancy and during lactation (breastfeeding) is very important. But hormonal levels are very important not only for successful pregnancy and childbirth, but also for maintaining a normal emotional state and good mood.

In fact, if there really was love, then it has not disappeared anywhere, but simply a couple in love has ceased to be a duet, but has turned into a trio, and now a little more effort is required to take into account as fully as possible the interests of not only the second, but also the third member of the team .

Moreover, this third one cannot really say anything yet, but he is terribly restless and requires constant attention. But if we are talking about true love, then it is not regulated or limited, so there is enough true love for everyone. The most important thing is to understand each other, help, support, take care of each other and appreciate every moment when you are around.

In addition, hormonal surges are not only a female prerogative, and not a one-time event. The woman decided to give birth to a child? Is the woman breastfeeding her baby? Is a woman crossing the threshold of the age of elegance? Each time it will be associated with hormonal changes, surges, changes... So, every time love will leave the entire family?

By the way, hormonal surges in the male body are also not uncommon, although the reasons, of course, differ from female hormonal surges. Age-related changes, stressful situations, bad habits that everyone calls to fight, but which for some reason are practically invincible, an incorrect (from any point of view) lifestyle - these are the causes of hormonal surges in the male body.

As for children, it only seems that being a child is easy, but in fact, any child has so many problems that no adult can even come close to coping. And regarding hormonal surges, you can at least remember your adolescence with its emotions, acne, maximalism, desire for self-affirmation...

What is all this for? And besides, everyone experiences hormonal cataclysms and changes, so it’s best if people who love each other simply try to understand their loved one and help him get through this difficult moment. In relation to the recent birth and the instability of the nervous system of the young mother, this means that both the new father and the rest of the adult family members can help if possible: sit with the child, clean the apartment, bring groceries, wash and iron children’s things (fortunately, diapers are now disposable) and even let young parents go to the theater or on a visit.

In addition, we should not forget that a nursing mother, first of all, remains a woman, so it will be very useful to please her with a flower, a beautiful hairpin, a new cup, if there are no opportunities for a fur coat or jewelry yet. But it’s not the gift that’s precious, it’s the attention! Therefore, give your loved ones attention, care, joy, confidence in the future - and all this will return to you many times over.

What to do about fatigue?

Very often, young mothers complain of fatigue, and we are talking about chronic fatigue, which, it seems, will never end and will never go anywhere. This is fatigue, when you want to sleep every second, when it’s not your arms or legs that hurt, but every cell of your whole body, when you don’t have enough strength for anything at all, let alone emotions or feelings...

What can I say? This is where love and a loving person is needed, who will take on some of the supposedly “feminine” responsibilities. Whatever you want, a young mother should not run around like a squirrel in a wheel all twenty-five hours a day, at least eight days a week.

Of course, caring for the baby should fall not only on the mother, but also on the father, and you should not refuse the friendly help of friends and relatives. And all the adults who surround the young mother should understand how difficult it is for her, and, if possible, leave the young woman time to rest (at least get enough sleep a couple of times a week).

Where to put grievances?

Didn't they help the young mother clean up? The young dad was left without a homemade cake? Did you talk to your new grandmother on the phone for “only” half an hour? As a result, everyone was offended by everyone. It’s a strange situation - everyone loves everyone and everyone is offended...

In fact, you should not assume and hope that everyone will guess about all the grievances (large and small, just and far-fetched), especially if this “everyone” is busy with something. Did your husband miss some important purchases? Your wife was taking care of the baby and the potatoes were a little overcooked?

It's not all that complicated. If the husband didn’t do something, it could simply be from inattention or because at that moment his attention switched to something else. If the wife does not have enough time and energy for something, then a truly loving husband will definitely help and will not reproach her for failure.

Don’t be lazy to thank each other, hug each other, and in case of misunderstanding, don’t just remain silent with an offended look - it’s better to immediately say about everything that worries you and seems like something that needs to be changed. Ask for help, ask for support, ask for attention, but do not let the resentment grow and strengthen, since such old grievances are not even a path to nowhere, but a path to the destruction of mutual understanding, to the destruction of respect, love and family.

You offended? It happens, and it's probably inevitable. But there is no need to carry this resentment within yourself and feed it with additional thoughts, incorrect conclusions and almost fantastic constructions. Just talk, tell us about your worries and doubts, ask for help or support - and everything will fall into place and will certainly improve.

The main thing is not to isolate yourself and not make unnecessary assumptions. Most often, any incident has the simplest and most banal explanation, and there is always a way out of any situation. After all, it is important that loving people can always listen to each other, understand each other and help each other completely sincerely.

Beauty in the past?

Often, young mothers are very worried about their appearance, since the vast majority of women gain extra pounds during pregnancy.

Of course, it is quite possible to return to your former shape, however, firstly, any weight correction takes time, and secondly, breastfeeding a baby and an overly active fight against extra pounds do not really fit together.

However, some husbands never tire of repeating that their figure has become blurred and urgent measures are needed, that they simply don’t want to see their swollen waist, that there are a lot of slender beauties around who can serve as an example... But where is the love here? And what needs to be saved?

Of course, we can repeat once again that the beauty of a young mother is not at all in kilograms, but this will console few people. It’s probably better to say that in no case should you make too much effort to lose weight during breastfeeding, but after the end of lactation everything can be corrected - not in three days, of course, and not even in two weeks, but the previous shape will definitely return.

It is very important to believe in yourself and your strengths, the support and faith of loved ones is important, love is important. It is also very important to relax not in front of the TV, but in the park, move more, and do not stop an active lifestyle - this is good for the mother, and the baby will form healthy habits from a very early age.

Have you forgotten about your husband?

It is very strange to expect attention and support if a person himself does not support anyone and does not pay attention to anyone. Of course, after the birth of a child, the range of responsibilities changes greatly, of course, the load on a young woman increases many times over, but this does not mean that life around her has stopped.

No one argues that any spouse periodically does something wrong, but this is exactly the person who became the father of the child, this is exactly the person with whom they were going to live their whole life, this is exactly the person who recently only made me happy and delighted... Fatigue will pass, problems that seem insoluble will definitely be resolved and new ones will appear in their place, the baby will grow up and worries will become different... And where is the husband? Have you forgotten about your husband?

Of course, if there is love, then no one forgets about anyone, because how can you forget about a person who is always there, who will always help, who will always understand and console?

Of course, even the strongest man wants to be remembered and cared for, but this care can manifest itself in completely different ways - either your favorite pancakes, or the brightest smile...

About errors

When they talk about the need to try very hard to maintain love after the birth of a child, and about who should do what and how to act, then there is no doubt that there was no love. There was infatuation, there was passion, there was a desire for something new, there were some other feelings and sensations, but love didn’t work out there from the very beginning. It’s very sad to realize, it’s unpleasant to admit, but that’s exactly how it is.

And if a child has become a problem for marital relations, if love has decreased in proportion to the increase in waist circumference, if the most important thoughts are about who owes what to whom, then you don’t even have to talk about love, and in this sense there is nothing to save.

In this case, we should talk about preserving the family, a sense of duty, mutual respect, mutual understanding and mutual assistance - these feelings often become a strong foundation for many families. Moreover, it is from these feelings that the sprouts of love can sprout, but real love, based on mutual understanding, on respect, on the desire to help, on an understanding of the importance and value of strong and reliable relationships. Most likely, it will not be a fireworks display of emotions, a whirlpool of passions or anything else extraordinary, but it will be an even and stable feeling, it will be confidence, it will be trust, which will not disappear after the birth of the child, even if the fifth baby is born.

It is very sad to state this, but if after the birth of a child love needs to be saved, then there is simply nothing to save, because love (not passion or lust) and the child are inseparable, and therefore with the birth of a child love only becomes stronger. It is likely that we need to talk not about saving love, but about saving a family, which will be built on the basis not of passion, but on the basis of respect and common interests.

In such cases, advice about what a husband should do and what a wife should do looks very sad, because a family is together, it is “seven selves,” it is something integral and monolithic, united and indivisible. Yes, there are quarrels and misunderstandings, but even in the bluest sky clouds can appear. Only the clouds will go away, but the sky is forever, and besides, everyone understands perfectly well that there simply is no sky without clouds...

conclusions

The child appeared, but the love disappeared? But perhaps, simply because priorities have changed, many things began to be perceived differently?

Of course, it is very important, if problems arise, to try to understand yourself; it is equally important to talk (more than once) with your partner. But if you can’t find a way out of this situation on your own, then you should contact a specialist.

Saving love is a noble task, although it can be difficult. But the family is worth it!

The birth of a child is a joyful and exciting event in the family. But not only. This is another serious test of strength for a married couple. The appearance of a newborn in the house breaks the usual way of life. Marital relationships after the birth of a child inevitably transform, and very often - towards cooling.

How relationships change after the birth of a child

With the arrival of a tiny, defenseless creature from the maternity hospital, the spouses have to get used to a new unfamiliar role - parenthood. The addition of the roles of mother and father leads to a change in the relationship between husband and wife. A woman learns to be both an attentive wife and a loving mother at the same time. The man is a caring husband and patient dad. Juggling different roles and quickly switching between them is not an easy task.

For a young mother, a baby is the center of the universe. Caring for a newborn requires maximum effort from her. There is almost no time left for other household chores and rest. The husband moves to the periphery: the attention, care, and affection of his wife no longer belong to him. After work, what awaits him is not a quiet evening with dinner, computer, TV, but a crying baby and burdensome care procedures.

The increased burden that has fallen on the shoulders of new parents causes tension in their relationships and becomes a source of resentment, disappointment, and crises.

Psychologists have figured out the main causes of conflicts between young parents:

• psychological unpreparedness for parenthood,
• difference in views on childbirth,
• misunderstanding due to ignorance - lack of information about the specifics of the postpartum period,
• physical and emotional fatigue of the mother.

Psychological unpreparedness for parenthood

A crisis situation often arises if too little time has passed between the newlyweds meeting and the birth of the child, or pregnancy was not part of the immediate plans. One of the parents (usually a young father) treats the birth as an annoying event and considers himself a hostage to the situation. Hence the rejection of the child, the reluctance to help the wife.

Problems in relationships can also arise in families where the baby was eagerly awaited. If future parents imagined life at home with their child too romantically, disappointment cannot be avoided.

Difference of Views

Usually cooling begins on the part of the husband. Not surprisingly, men and women perceive the appearance of a child in a family differently.

The child is present in the mother's life from conception. After his birth, a woman psychologically considers him to be her continuation, a part of herself. Physiologically, the maternal instinct is triggered - an innate program of biological attachment to the child. Oxytocin and prolactin, motherhood hormones, are released into the blood. The production of sexual desire hormones is suppressed. The desire to be a mother comes to the fore - this is how nature “magnetizes” a woman to her own child. Mom completely occupies herself with the children's worries.

It is more difficult for a father than a mother to change his lifestyle. Nature did not provide for the paternal instinct; its hormonal levels before and after the birth of the baby are constant. The head of the family cannot be envied - he is forced to bear double duty: he takes care of material security and helps care for the baby, who has taken all the attention of his wife. A man develops a feeling of being useless and unimportant.

Dad needs to know: arguing with the laws of nature is pointless. The unity of mother and baby does not threaten his position, and jealousy of the child is inappropriate.

Mom should not be offended by the initial lack of paternal feelings and delight at the sight of the baby. Everything has its time. Dad and baby will begin to love and understand each other a little later, in the process of communicating and mastering the world around them. The father's reluctance to care for the baby may come from confusion and inability. Or it was not accepted in the husband's family. It has been established: developmental effects literally from the first days of life. Mom should delicately involve dad in care, doing procedures together at first.

What's happening

It would seem that the future parents were looking forward to the birth of the baby, but as soon as the first cry of the newborn was heard in the house, problems immediately began. Marriage after the birth of a child is no longer the idealistic relationship that the spouses had before. The husband and wife can no longer devote enough time to each other, and only a few minutes are left for themselves. Together you can move mountains: go to a nightclub, relax in tents, visit museums, or just lie in bed. It is almost impossible to do this with a baby. If a woman, due to her natural characteristics, can understand such changes, then her husband, having become a father, experiences severe stress.

Representatives of the stronger sex are the same as children. They love to be looked after and surrounded with love. Men are very sensitive to the appearance of a competitor in the house. The husband's attitude towards his wife becomes more selfish: he is increasingly dissatisfied with the fact that his beloved spends all the time with the baby, expresses negativity about the disorder in the house, changes in the appearance of his wife. He does not understand that it is very difficult for a young mother to rebuild her life, and at the same time to introduce the little one to living conditions unknown to him. To prevent the relationship crisis from reaching its climax, it is necessary to show wisdom and begin to strengthen the family even before the baby is born.

Making an action plan

• Changing perceptions. After the birth of a child, a man does not understand that life has changed. A woman who worked before maternity leave is completely immersed in another world: she takes care of the child, thinks about how to make the baby happy, and takes care of the little one’s health. And the new daddy still continues to go to work and communicate with colleagues. How can you understand the reasons for changes in family relationships?! Open your husband's eyes: ask to spend time with the baby, tell your loved one about the baby's new achievements, involve daddy in household chores.
• We follow our emotions. Young mothers are susceptible. The culprit is hormonal changes in the body. Pay attention to yourself. Analyze what is happening, why mood swings become more frequent, irritability and tearfulness appear. Don't you like that your husband demands attention without noticing your fatigue? Tell your loved one directly what doesn't suit you. Don't wait until the boiling point is reached. A man does not live by guesses, he needs facts.

• Let's relax. After the birth of a baby, quarrels between spouses are becoming more and more common. This is due to fatigue, which falls like a snowball on young parents. Mommy revolves around the child all day, dreaming of relaxing, shifting the responsibilities of caring for the baby to daddy, who will come home from work in the evening. But a man gets tired too! Spouses need to sit down and talk. Create a rest schedule. For example, on one weekend the mother will take care of the baby, and on the other - the father. On weekdays, each parent will be given 40-50 minutes to communicate with the baby in order to “unload” their significant other.
• Introducing dad and child. What should a husband do after giving birth if his wife does not allow him an inch closer to the heir? Don't make the mistake: the sooner dad meets the baby, the stronger the family relationship will be. If you see that your loved one is not touched by every movement of the little one, does not take him in his arms, this does not mean that he does not love his child. Representatives of the stronger sex are less emotional than women.

• Sex after childbirth. “I fell out of love with my husband after the birth of the child,” many mothers complain, completely not understanding that they are saying nonsense. They didn’t fall out of love, but didn’t learn to combine different life roles. After the baby was born, you received a new status as a mother, but at the same time you did not lose your position as a loving and beloved wife. What kind of sex can you talk about when a child takes all your strength?! More about what! One woman had a wise mother-in-law. She once told her son: “If you want a wife in bed, don’t sit on the couch.” True, isn't it? Imagine, you spend the whole day hanging around your little one, cooking food, cleaning the apartment, while your loved one silently watches you. Why not ask him for help, saying: “Darling, how I miss you, I wish I could spend at least half an hour together, but I’m wasting this precious time hanging up my son’s washed diapers.” Surely the husband will perk up at the thought of sex and help with household chores.

Have relationships in your family changed since the birth of your first child? Many will answer this question unequivocally: “Yes.” Indeed, the birth of a baby cannot but have an impact on the family structure, the psychological atmosphere, the relationship between husband and wife, and other relatives.

Having conducted a survey among women who recently became mothers, I found out that the majority of them say that relationships with the advent of a child in their family have changed for the worse (55% of respondents), slightly fewer opinions are in favor of improving relationships (35%) and a small part respondents said that the relationship had not changed at all (10%). A survey among young fathers showed approximately the same picture: for the worse – 70%, for the better – 25%, no change at all – 5%.

Don’t rush to be sad, the third person in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. Let's look at the problem in order and start with the good.

Hooray! Now we are family

We gave birth to our Artemka together,” says Anna. - I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward how my husband had changed! Tired but happy, we cried... My husband and I love each other even more. The baby gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if you didn’t get divorced after the birth of your child, it means love has settled in your home.

Our relationship has become a little better,” says Yulia. - We see a reflection of each other in the child. When I see how my husband deals with the child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.

The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A baby in whom both mother’s and father’s features are reflected as in a mirror. “How your baby looks like his dad!” - the observant neighbor will say. "And beautiful like mom!" - a passerby will confirm. There are no nicer words, because our children are an extension of ourselves.

Life does not pass in vain if someone in this world says “mom” to you! Modern psychologists also share this opinion. They note that motherhood has many beneficial effects on a woman. We become confident because we have achieved self-realization in life; your attitude towards life becomes more positive.

Scientists say that a woman who has had a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain areas of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its functioning. And the small child himself and caring for him forces the mother to be smarter, more collected, and find solutions in the most unexpected situations.

Not only mothers experience beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child. Fathers who take part in raising a child also change for the better. For example, brain function improves, especially those departments responsible for planning and memory.

Our husbands also undergo psychological changes. They are proud of their fatherhood, because it puts them several levels higher in society. Young fathers feel responsible for their baby and try to earn more money to provide for their family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were at the birth.

The presence of the husband at the birth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation for which the couple specially prepared, attended partner childbirth courses, and, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.

It used to be believed that raising children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into men's experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.

The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to survive difficulties, but no one will guarantee one hundred percent success either. As my small sociological research shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the birth of a baby has improved their relationship with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, but rather that they look at them from a positive point of view.

If we talk about relationships, our relationship has become stronger, says Maria, my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I am tired. And I began to be more attentive to my husband, because I see how he strains himself at work for our sake. But at the same time, we feel the load on our shoulders, which is why there are “swearing” and misunderstandings, which almost never happened before. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool for my husband, but definitely for me! You spend the whole day at home, there is almost no time for yourself, minimal communication, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant...

The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family,” says Sergei. - A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright things. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out the unpleasant moments, I understand how difficult it is for my wife with the baby, I myself have not yet recovered from the birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.

Parents who raise children with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists say. There is no doubt about it. It’s easier to endure difficulties together, the main thing is not to create them for each other.

If the crisis has come

According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two to three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple experiences divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe this is due to excessive male pride or female incontinence? I think everything is not so clear...

The relationship became simply terrible,” says Ekaterina. “It’s not easy for me to talk about this and admit it, but our relationship is terrible. Every day there is a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone else, and then they add fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about divorce, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.

After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often,” says Anastasia. - We have different views on education and attitude towards the child. We argued so much that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I couldn’t save my family...

I remember that I used to be surprised how it was like this: they got married, were so happy, and then a child was born, and they separated,” says Alicia. I couldn’t understand or accept this. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a test of family strength. I'm glad we stuck it out. Our relationship has, of course, changed. A new leader has appeared in the family and at the same time the center of the universe.

First about dad

This is how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “Deep down, a husband may feel superfluous (as a little boy sometimes feels rejected when he learns about his mother’s pregnancy). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, courting other women, while the wife finds herself deprived of her husband’s support precisely at the time when she needs it most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.”

The great pediatrician of all times shows us that the period of the birth of a baby in a family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor... The time comes to bring the family home, but the wife (like the grandmother or other assistants) is only worried about the child, and again the husband plays mainly the role of porter."

After such words you understand your husband. Why and why sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says resentment and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.

All the attention hitherto directed at the husband is now given to the child,” Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. - By the way, for girls the calling “MOTHER” is much more significant than “WIFE”. Therefore, the husband fades into the background.

For the first six months I couldn’t realize that in addition to my wife I had a child,” says Arkady. “Then I had to pull myself together. From the feelings - immediately after the maternity hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. There was no time to be offended; I had to raise the child.

Benjamin Spock suggests actively including your husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and classes to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to be present at the birth, do not refuse him. It is not possible to initiate the future father into all the mysteries of the birth of an heir.

For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward; then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and cried, he was invited back to me, or rather, to us... The medical staff congratulated the new dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first garment. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.

I never stop telling my husband words of gratitude for his support in difficult times. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the contraction was going on... I think such active participation in the birth brought us together even more, set the stage for further family life in the right, benevolent direction.

Later, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but it was very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the task of changing the baby’s diaper baffled our dad, and the process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him; this gave him a reason to be proud in front of his acquaintances and friends. Like an experienced expert, he shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, as a joke...

And now about mom

A young mother cannot live without special attention and care. Moreover, the husband’s concern should not be limited only to making money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help with housework and child care - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family together.

"The husband must constantly remember that his wife has a much more difficult time than he, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body has experienced fundamental physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot but feel serious concern. The child constantly demands from she has enormous nervous and physiological stress: In order to give a lot of mental strength to the child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband,” these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.

The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong,” says Dmitry. - And here it is very important not to withdraw into yourself, but be sure to talk through all the problems that arise... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it is the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child,” but here the responsibility for precisely those very things is also important relationship...

I must say, the men settled down well,” says Konstantin. - A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in agony, and then she wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night... I love and feel sorry for my wife. I try to help her in everything with the child, not only in words, but also in deeds. If possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is designed in such a way that a man needs to go to work.

In addition to all other difficulties, you also need to remember about “postpartum depression” (or “baby blues syndrome”), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he is, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, the young mother is crying for something, shedding tears, getting upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman giving birth is susceptible to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.

Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive the gloomy period. Doctors say that it’s all about the unstable position of hormones, restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know from myself that the very fact of the birth of a first child is a great shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you before! The sensations are, to say the least, impressive... The experience makes your hair stand on end. And I don’t mean physical pain and fear, although that exists too, I’m talking about the psychological feeling. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that’s the point! Here, not only, you can get temporary clouding of your mind.

Your first helpers when postpartum depression sets in are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, unreasonable crying and fears. Under no circumstances should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.

At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is within your power, try not to lash out at your husband for minor offenses. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable and irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.

Expert opinion

We will entrust the summary of today’s conversation to specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, psychologist, teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short quick interview will bring together everything that has been said today and will provide guidance for a cloudless future of family life.

Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?

When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad may feel useless. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, that he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.

The first way to develop relationships: a new “baby” will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to “be capricious”, or simply avoids the place where “he is no longer loved.” In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the baby it is very important. Although he does not understand words yet, he picks up intonation very well.

In general, under no circumstances should you use a child for your own purposes “to strengthen the family” or “to keep your husband.” It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless child, or to dump one’s problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.

The second way: a real adult, self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions, and is ready to be strong. His love for the baby and for the mother helps him; he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. And my mother really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his “abandonment,” such a dad begins to HELP. And after a while he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.

In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts by starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from good done is the best medicine.

How to solve this problem?

There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and its own reasons; each family is individual and unique. In complex cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen it. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.

Remember:

• If there is a quarrel between you, put yourself in your spouse’s place. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
• do not quarrel with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. Can't resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he can see. Women can do this;
• try to speak according to the “I-message” scheme. That is, express your complaints in this form: “I think that you are wrong!”, and not categorically: “You are wrong!”;
• relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to care for the child; in the end, responsibility for everything will fall on you;
• Don't add fuel to the fire. Try to reduce the conflict to nothing as soon as possible;
• you can also be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
• this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means there is something good in him for which you love him. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.

Anna Kuznetsova

Discussion

What is wrong with this Spock, that he is a great pediatrician... a fool understands that there are others, they simply cited his theory as an example... the person who read the article will not use it as a panacea... this is one of the opinions and it has the right to exist. The essence of the article is to support young families and this is much more important!!! And the Gipenreiter experts would write their own article!!! Why be smart...

The article is good, but if only it were that simple. My husband does not want to be involved in family matters. He believes that he makes money - and that is all he contributes. The child is 1.5 years old. The hardest part is over. But there was nothing left of our relationship with my husband. He doesn’t want to help me. “Taking care of a child is a woman’s job,” he believes. I say help me, I will free up time that I can devote to you. But he doesn't want to. He says, let's hire a nanny. But this sounds like a threat. Because he would hire a “nanny” for himself. (We had an argument about how long I could hold out without asking for a nanny). And I don’t want a stranger in the house. My husband never loved me (but he didn’t cheat on me either, it seems to me), I got used to it and took it for granted. Now I feel sorry for myself. I live for myself and my child. I take care of my husband. But I would like to have a man in the house, and not a small child “playing on a computer all evening,” who would share my worries and allow me to share him.

I wrote it to understand my life. And it doesn’t make me feel any better that someone else has the same problems.

You know, I read the reviews here and realized that everything here was about me. With only one difference: I don’t know why, but I had the strength not to give up, but to fight on.
After giving birth, everyone just abandoned me, to their shame. I slept 2 hours a day for two months. She did everything herself: washing, ironing, diapers, cooking, feeding, cleaning, walking, bathing, dressing, washing dishes, mopping the floors... The list goes on and on! I really wanted to get a divorce. The first epiphany was the words of my husband: “stop pretending to be a heroine mother!” I remember that I was terribly offended and did not talk to him for several days. And then I realized that no one needed my exploits. If I didn’t have the strength to wash the dishes, I didn’t wash them, and the mountain remained in the sink until the morning - my husband still had to wash it. I couldn’t hang the laundry, I didn’t hang it, I couldn’t wash it, I didn’t wash it. And the husband himself began to delve into economic affairs - he had to live. If you have nothing to wear, you need to wash it and hang up your clothes. I began to actively involve my husband in taking care of the child, even if something didn’t work out for him, I praised him, despite the fact that I wanted to hit him with something heavy and scream. He began to bathe the baby, walk with him, change diapers. To help around the house: at first a little, then more. I began to talk to him calmly, and not shout as before, I said in an even voice that this and that was hard for me, please do it! The struggle was not easy and is still ongoing from time to time, sometimes I really wanted to give up and give up everything!
And now all our affairs are divided in half, and not into purely female and male.
And believe it or not, I practically defeated a very demanding child (I woke up at least 6 times a night) and a husband who, after the birth of the baby, became, without exaggeration, just a squared egoist!
The simplest thing is simply not to solve the problem: get a divorce, pretend to be a victim of your family, a walking sense of duty, and so on. Or you can take your will into your fist, and slowly (even a millimeter per hour), but surely move towards your goal - creating a real family, where everyone supports each other, loves each other and enjoys being next to each other, and not from watching TV alone while my wife turns herself inside out.
And yet, no one says that you should stay at home with your child within four walls, and only go out to the neighboring park. I began to feel like a person after we started visiting with the child, going to cafes and shops. After all, now many things are equipped for strollers, cafes have high chairs for children, shops have seats for wheelchairs, and it is not forbidden to take a stroller on the subway. And about any infection: we vaccinate children, feed them breast milk (immunity from the mother), you don’t have to travel with children when there is a special crowd of people. Live and enjoy life, fight and you will succeed!
And in the end, I would like my review not to be perceived as bragging - like everything is great with me. This is far from true. Everyone has problems. But we must solve them and not give up. This is precisely why motherhood is given to women, because they are more attentive, patient and enduring than men (just don’t be offended).

I would really like the author of the second message to read my review. It so happens that I am in almost a similar situation. just not in Ukraine, but here in Moscow. Everyone has the same problems, but there are two solutions: either build or break. Dear dskorr. you love it, and probably your wife too. after all, this is how they were born!!! this is most likely the accumulated fatigue over the entire previous time from the moment of conception. Not even tension, but relaxation. You (I mean your family) carried, gave birth, looked after and cared for. all this requires enormous efforts on your part, materially, on the part of your wife - everyday life, children. I don't estimate which is more difficult. everyone worked. Now the child has become a little more independent, you subconsciously feel that you already have the right and want attention to yourself. But it is impossible to change the situation and change your life in one day or night. You are ripe for change. This is a protest. In my opinion, you need to start working. Only you and your wife should come first, because we love the child. no matter how difficult your mother is. position. get out and find time for two. through fatigue. Hire a nanny, anyone you trust can fill this role, even a neighbor; nothing will happen to the child in 1-2 hours. Build your rest and entertainment together. and let the wife go to work. Life will become more interesting for her, the burden of household chores will no longer be so burdensome, and it will be easier for you financially. You will simply have something to talk about, besides what new things your baby has done. And also find a family psychologist. Be sure to talk to your wife, she must understand what exactly is wrong with you. start helping her in everyday life, as much as you can and don’t forget about small signs of attention (dinner, flowers, etc.) you need to work on preserving the family if you care about it. don’t be afraid to give your love. and no one promised easy ways after birth . And strong families are preserved for a reason. Love and be loved.
and wish me luck. I really want to return my husband’s love and live and raise my daughter with her dad.

Well, don’t be so pessimistic. Go out to a park on the weekend where there are children’s attractions, watch children 3-4 years old - they are already independent individuals, it’s interesting to be with them!!! The first year is always difficult, a lot depends on the financial situation in the family and on the age of the parents, and of course, on the character of the child. But everything will pass, the child will grow up and everything will work out. Love and support each other, the easiest way is to separate(

But what, except for one pediatrician of the last century, no one else talked about these problems??? Somehow, in my opinion, this is not the most important person on this issue... And the “I-statement” or “message” does not imply the pronoun you at all. Nowhere. Neither at the beginning of a phrase, nor in the middle, nor at the end. At least read Gippenreiter...

You know, I want to reassure desperate young parents. From my own experience I know that 1 year is the most difficult. Then, believe me, it will be better. The child will be more independent, adults will be able to devote more time to each other, and the quality of relationships will also change. Dad becomes interested in raising a child. Mom will be able to devote some time to herself. Good luck to all young parents!!!

Do you know what advice I want to give to married women who are about to have a baby? Get a divorce as soon as possible before giving birth, so as not to have to do it after. And one can only envy the unmarried: they will calmly raise the baby, and not twitch and cry at night because their husband is ABSOLUTELY indifferent to you, the child, and your half-dead state. Well, of course, caring for one child is much easier than caring for a husband as well. Or are you waiting for help from a man? Can't wait! The only one who can help a woman after childbirth is her mother, and if there is no such helper, then you should rely only on yourself. Or try to save money and hire a housekeeper at least for the first months of the baby’s life - unlike your husband, she will really make your life easier.

Before the birth of my child, I lived with my husband for 3 years, considered him an ideal partner, and would never have thought that I would write such harsh and bitter reviews. But, honestly, after everything I’ve been through, I dream of being a single mother for my daughter. Ask why I didn't get divorced? And there was nowhere to go! As, in fact, it still is.

And one more thing: one entertaining story on the topic of “children and husbands.” One of my friends, whom my husband treated after giving birth with the same “attention” and “respect” as he did to me, decided to endure everything and forgive everything. But when the child was already 7 years old, the husband came home from work one day and reacted with irritation to some problem related to the child that his wife shared with him. Like, figure it out yourself! Then the wife suddenly remembered everything that had happened during these 7 years and threw a frying pan at her husband. Cast iron. It’s good that he managed to hide behind the door, otherwise my friend would have been sitting there right now. And so she just lost her door (it was broken through by a frying pan) and her husband. But if this woman regrets anything, it is the loss of the door.

All the best to you, non-divorced mothers. Take heart!

Once again I quarreled with my wife... I left her to spend the night at work. I got drunk on beer (I don't drink). Sitting. I'm crying, waiting for this to end. Where to look for help, how to deal with this. I found this article on the net. I felt better, I even had a desire to call my beloved, have a heart-to-heart talk, in order to find common mutual effort in the future and not bring the relationship to the “Battle of Stalingrad.” What can I say? If there are men reading, I would like to reassure them now in a purely masculine way and support families who find themselves in a similar situation. Speaking about myself is a complex problem, and for me this is the first time on such a “scale”. I'm 20, my wife is older. The pregnancy was extremely difficult: three pregnancies, difficult childbirth, etc.. During these 9 months, she was a different person for me (which, by the way, I will remember for the rest of my life, this period of a fluffy, kind, holy, period of “knocking” with my piece). I love my wife very much, and I reacted with a “more or less” concept to the lack of sex during this period, and even more so during the difficult bearing of a child. A son was born. I'm exhausted at work for days, plus studying. The wife has been at home from the first month of pregnancy to this day. After giving birth, the situation began to cover the relationship and our family like an avalanche. I began to hide from the “invisible horror”, began to stay late at work until the end, and called less often. I became out of control. I am very happy, I was looking forward to it and I am incredibly happy about the birth of my dear son. But psychologically this avalanche, this mass of emotions was impossible to overcome. Over a period of almost 8 months, the number of “times in bed” can be counted on one hand. But not only that, this is ABSOLUTELY not the same as it was just a year ago (although, I admit, it was great for both of us a couple of times)... The problem is the same - passivity, no desire to have sex with the wife. In my heart I understand everything. My son gets up several (or even eight!) times during the night - changing diapers, breastfeeding. I’m on the bed next to you - I’m suffering, I’m not getting enough sleep. In the morning, my son is like a swallow. Seven in the morning (or even six!) - games, mobility and activity. It’s difficult for my wife, just like I didn’t get enough sleep. I have to go to work, leave my son to my wife. She only has half an hour to wash her face and do her morning toilet. Breakfast - and see you in the evening. She (I feel sorry for her as a human being) is with her son all day long. Walking outside doesn't make up for being surrounded by four walls for the second year in a row. In the evening, I come exhausted, and it only takes an hour to have a snack and rest. The time is evening to bathe the child and put him to bed (the process also takes at least half an hour). And so the “system” works for a week. It turns out that I don’t see my wife (myself), she is always with the child. It's great! And I want to be with my child, to be with my family. But we are not TOGETHER with my wife, we cannot devote enough time to each other, we cannot relax. I MISS THIS. The only thing is after they put the child to bed - half-whispered dialogues in the kitchen, both sitting as if “half dead.” Not with an evil eye, I look today into the prospect of the child growing up - I don’t see anything there that is comforting for the two of us yet. The child will grow. More attention will be needed (our sweetheart is already beginning to use her first skills of movement and literacy). Accordingly, we will also be more tired. The wife is going to work when the child is one year old (I can understand her - the cry of the soul from four walls and a closed world, mirrored everyday life, etc.). But this also does not change the situation. Today, the thought that my family is no exception cleared my breath a little... But there is no certainty that I will return home and the world will be different...
My personal suggestions are to meet me from work on the street in a stroller, for a walk (although I come with all my might, but slowly, talk, walk, the desire to be here, the three of us, turns out to be stronger than physical capabilities). The second thing is, if I come late and the walk doesn’t work out - bathing the child together, father’s care so that the mother can rest. Although these half an hour at most do not save, in fact. It may be necessary to reconsider your approach and spending time on the weekends. Indeed, to send my beloved wife shopping, to the cinema, to the pool somewhere, or to come up with something else... Thus, I am depriving me (we) of spending time with a “duet”, which is very necessary, but I am sure that after my wife’s short-term release from maternal worries, when she can definitely think about something of her own (unlike when we are together, she thinks about how to get back to the child as soon as possible and Lyon doesn’t start crying there at grandma’s while we are shopping), this will provide her with at least a couple of days in advance with “restraint”, when he will not be so irritated with me because of fatigue, he will control himself and will somehow be able to generally unwind. In general, what can I say? You can write a lot and for a long time, everything is not easy. What is needed is will, balance, restraint, patience, courage, strength, love, and a charge of energy. It’s natural to try to use this entire “arsenal” skillfully, and just when “the opportunity arises” (and not, as always, “the time comes”) to completely discharge it, either with a bath with foam, a massage, relaxation with candles, or just by hiding together under a blanket and hugging and understand the truth of strong family love, which in fact is still undoubtedly present under the “avalanche of problems and worries”...

Family. Perhaps this is the most important thing in our life. There are people next to you who love and will become support and support in difficult times. This is a whole mysterious world where they live their secrets and joys, where children grow up and become adults. And I really want nothing to disturb this harmony.
Family for a woman is, first of all, to realize herself as a mother. Family – stable intimate relationships and the opportunity to show your masculine qualities, protecting, preserving and providing everything you need.
In the end, everyone wants one thing - HAPPINESS. But sometimes the thing you want least in the world happens. Your happiness suddenly begins to crumble with the birth of your baby, and you give up because you don’t know how to stop it. I just don't have enough strength. Who is to blame? Who takes the first step towards destruction? Unfortunately, this is how we are designed, but we are not used to looking for reasons in ourselves, and everyone tries to blame the other. And as a result - the terrible word “DIVORCE”. But it all started so well.
To avoid such a scenario, MirSovetov invites you to figure out why this happens. We will look at the most likely causes of problems and give you recommendations, following which you will definitely cope, and your happy family will be the envy of you!

Changes in a woman's life

With the advent of a baby, your whole life seems to turn upside down, and the heaviest burden falls on women’s shoulders. A long pregnancy and childbirth (and for some, childbirth is very difficult, and pregnancy is not a joy for everyone), and, as a result, the baby has just been born, and the mother has already accumulated psychological and physical fatigue.
The problems that a young mother faces can be divided into the following groups:
Hormonal changes.Women by nature are prone to excessive dramatization of situations, and during this period emotions generally live as if on their own.
Mood swings can drive both the woman and her husband crazy. You will feel like you are crying all the time. Sensitivity is especially pronounced. You will get the feeling that everyone is not behaving the way you would like: they don’t help, they criticize, they give advice as if you are stupid, your husband doesn’t hug you, and you really miss it, and much more...

Please remember that this is not your normal state, and try to find an excuse for your husband or the person you are offended by, or talk directly about your offense. More often than not, it turns out that it arose out of nowhere. You will walk around and get angry, but your husband won’t even know what’s wrong with you. If you don't get enough of his attention, tell him about it. Come up to him from time to time and hug him. Stay like that for a minute or two. Believe me, it will get much better. You don’t have to wait for your husband to read your thoughts and hug you himself. He, too, may be immersed in his thoughts in completely different matters and does not even realize that right now at this second you need him so much.
Fatigue. Most often, fatigue accumulates because a woman does not get enough sleep. The baby is still too small; he eats and sleeps almost all the time. If everything is fine with mom’s health and feeding, then it’s quite possible to get enough sleep and rest for the first few days. No need to rush to do housework. Ask your husband or relatives to help you with cleaning and cooking and go to bed. Strength needs to be restored. Otherwise, you will take it out not only on your husband, but also on your child.
“I couldn’t sleep or eat, and all the time I either fed the baby or pumped while he was sleeping. There was still a little time left to eat and wash.” Sound familiar? Surely many will answer this way. MirSovetov recommends contacting a consultant , which will help you properly organize the feeding process, and you won’t have to pump. It's possible! Nowadays, a lot has changed since the days when we were raised by our mothers and grandmothers. And, of course, they will tell you that if you don’t pump, there will be no milk. Believe me, this is nothing more than a myth. As a result, you will have a lot of free time that you can spend on yourself.
“I couldn’t sleep because I reacted to every inhalation and exhalation of the child, to his every movement. And all the time she ran up to the crib to see if he was alive, if he had suffocated?” Most likely, this is also familiar to you. Mom may not hear her husband get up on the alarm clock, but every sound of the baby makes her jump out of bed. This is a natural process and will pass very quickly. The more time you sleep with your baby, the faster you will get used to his movements and will wake up only when he lets you know that he is hungry.
If you have no one to help you with the housework, try to prepare as simple meals as possible and do only the most necessary work. Discuss with your husband how much of the work he could take on. Perhaps it will be cooking or washing dishes. Still better than nothing.
Dissatisfaction with your appearance.Yes, it will be difficult for you to accept your imperfect body, yes, it will not be easy to realize that you are not a supermom, because not everything will work out. Don't set unrealistic goals for yourself. Be aware that you need to be patient, that everything will not work out right away. Talk to your husband about your appearance. If your husband is adequate, he will understand that you will not get back into shape right away and your imperfect body will in no way interfere with your intimate life. There is always a compromise. And now you should be concerned about the opinion of only one person about you - the man you love!
Dissatisfaction with husband.You were not prepared for the circumstances that befell you. It’s very difficult for you and, naturally, it will seem to you that your husband is doing nothing. Doesn't help you at all. And besides this, he himself needs your help.
Very often it is fatigue that speaks to a woman. If you think carefully, you will understand that the husband works all day and is also tired, it is also not easy for him, because many husbands do not feel their baby at all and do not know which way to approach him. And he would be glad to help, but he doesn’t know how. Tell him what he can do and how he can help you. Perhaps he reads a story to the baby or goes for a walk with him.
Pay attention to your husband. You can heat up food or wash clothes if you have a free minute. And it’s nice for your husband, and you’ll take your mind off the role of mom.
Father's attitude towards the child.Sometimes it seems to you that your husband does not at all feel for the child the feelings that are hidden in your soul. And you conclude for yourself that he does not need the child. And if you can forgive your husband for his lack of love towards you, then you become very upset about the child, and this alone may be the reason that one day you pack up your things and go to live with your mother. But everything is not at all what it seems.
For many men, emotionality and affection are not characteristic of them at all. Their love is a willingness to protect, help, and provide everything necessary. Just help him establish a connection with the baby. First, while the baby is very small, I advise readers of MirSovetov to instruct their husband to simply be next to the child. He can simply stroke it with his hand. Even if silently. Try to teach dad to kiss the baby on the cheek and say “Bye” before leaving for work, if you are not sleeping. He comes home from work, you meet him, and again dad kisses the baby and says “Hello.” If dad is eating and the baby is not sleeping, sit at the table and let the child watch dad. It all depends on your imagination and . But it’s worth noting that you are instilling new habits in your husband and you may have to remind everyone of this every day!
And when a baby cries, it is sometimes very difficult even for a mother to immediately understand what he wants, and even more so for a father. And the child is accustomed to his mother’s hands and calms down faster with her, even just by hearing her voice.
What should I do? Surely you have noticed that some words or actions can make your baby smile, even if he has started to be capricious or even cry. Share these tricks with your husband. Let him try to use them. Believe me, then he will have his own little tricks, and it will be easier for dad to stay with the baby, and you can safely go out, for example, to the store.

Changes in a man's life

Despite the fact that it seems to every woman that it is difficult only for her, this is not so. In fact, a man experiences stress too. After all, a new family member has appeared and needs to be fed, and my mother is on maternity leave, so there is less income, but expenses have increased significantly. To help a man, try to save where you can, for example, on children's clothing. The baby is growing quickly and doesn’t understand anything about fashion. Therefore, it would be most optimal to buy inexpensive clothes and 2-3 sizes larger. In addition, for the first 6 months it is quite possible to get by with diapers only for walks.
My husband, by the way, doesn’t get enough sleep either. And if his intimate life is still “lame,” it’s doubly difficult for him. Because it is a normal intimate life that helps a man “relax”. Don’t wait for him to look for relaxation in alcohol or on the side, and be sure to find time for the man you love.
Another factor influencing your husband's attitude towards you is your appearance. As you know, a man loves with his eyes. If you walk around unkempt, in an old robe or stretched out pants, no normal man can stand it. And there is no need to refer to the fact that the baby gets everything dirty and you feel sorry for good clothes or that you have nothing to wear. Thank God, now there is a huge selection of inexpensive but beautiful clothes that you could wear at home.

Changes are also taking place in the usual family structure. Now all the time is devoted to the baby, and mother and baby will take their first walks outside in about a month, so movies, restaurants and any entertainment are forgotten. But that doesn't mean you can't order food to your home and treat yourself to your loved ones or watch a movie on DVD. Ask your relatives to stay with the baby so that you can spend at least an hour alone with your husband. It is very important.
Of course, you can invite your girlfriends and friends to visit, but they can tire you out even more because you need to look after them, and wash and tidy up after leaving, but in any case, discuss the arrival of guests with your husband. So that it doesn’t happen that the husband will run away from home, just not to see anyone. As a last resort, meet guests while your husband is at work.
And you shouldn’t talk about the baby all the time. Of course, it is important for you how he pooped and how he slept, but your husband also has something to tell you. And for all these emotional discussions, find yourself a friend, a mother, or register on a moms forum and communicate in a healthy way.