Why is a child jealous and how to deal with different types of childhood jealousy? Jealousy of an older child towards a younger one How to cope with jealousy in an older child

When a younger child or a new father appears in the family, parents often see the older child’s jealous attitude towards the new family member. It is quite difficult for a child to accept new people into his “orderly” world, who, in his opinion, can take away the love of his mother or father. This fear is caused by the fact that the child is afraid of losing the love and attention of his parents. Such emotional shock is not unnatural or dangerous. In such cases, parents need to use common sense, be patient and listen to the advice that will be offered in this publication.

Why does childhood jealousy occur?

Childhood jealousy can occur for the following reasons:

• Uselessness. The child begins to develop complexes due to the appearance of a new person in the family. After all, because of this, the entire routine in the house changes dramatically, and the child cannot quickly adapt to new conditions, believing that he has been relegated to the background. This feeling of being forgotten and useless can constantly accompany a child if parents do not help him overcome these feelings.
• Attention deficit . A child may feel a lack of attention when another child appears in the family. Then mother’s eternal words: “Don’t make noise, don’t touch, don’t do anything, don’t scream,” etc. do not leave him the right to develop the way he wants. The mother spends most of her time with the baby, since he needs special attention, and the first-born gets much less attention than before the appearance of a younger brother or sister.
• Fear. A small child feels an overwhelming sense of fear of losing the love of mom or dad. When he sees that his mother has a new love object, he is torn by feelings of fear and jealousy. In most cases, mothers do not take such mental trauma to their child seriously enough.

Types of childhood jealousy: how jealousy manifests itself in a child

Often, parents do not immediately understand that their child is jealous. Therefore, when you see your child sad, offended, withdrawn or aggressive, you should definitely talk to him unobtrusively. And if he does not make contact, then you need to observe his behavior and determine the true reason for his bad mood.

In child psychology, the following types of jealousy are distinguished:

• Passive. Usually the child does not outwardly show his dissatisfaction. On the contrary, he withdraws into himself, becomes lethargic and uninteresting. Sometimes children show apathy towards the world around them.
• Aggressive. In this case, the first-born actively expresses his “no” to his younger brother or sister, stepfather or stepmother. The child does not allow him to take his things, gets angry that his toys are touched, etc. Emotionally, the child becomes quick-tempered, whiny, capricious, and disobedient. He bullies the youngest child and does not want to share his things.
• Semi-explicit. This is the most unpredictable type of jealousy. For example, a child does not show his true attitude towards the baby to his parents, but when left alone with a brother or sister, he tries to do something bad: offend, hit, take away toys, etc.

How to deal with different types of childhood jealousy: answers in the table

Table. How to help your child overcome jealousy ?

Who is the child jealous of?	Causes and manifestations of jealousy	How to help a child overcome jealousy?
The child is jealous of his mother and father.	Jealousy often occurs when dad works a lot and devotes time to his family only in the evening. When the father is close to the mother, the child can actively interfere with their communication. The baby is aggressive and tries to separate his father from his mother, even while sitting on the sofa. Often the child scratches or hits his dad. If a child sees his parents hugging or kissing, he may start crying or hysterical. In this way, the child wants to defend his exclusive right to his mother, her attention and care.	Initially, the child should feel warmth and care not only from his mother’s side, but also from his father’s. If your baby wants to sit on the sofa with the intention of separating you, do not yell at him, but on the contrary, just hug him on both sides. Be sure to say the phrases: “I love mom” and “I love dad.” This way the child will quickly understand that you are one and also deserve free space. If the baby pushes his father away, the mother needs to hug both of them, thereby showing that she loves them equally. Make it a rule to give father and child the opportunity to be alone: ​​go shopping, walk in the park, spend a day off together. Then the baby will see that you can love not only mom, but also dad. Indeed, this situation often occurs due to the fact that the father does not devote enough time to the baby.
The child is jealous of his mother towards his stepfather/father towards his stepmother.	The kid does not want to accept a “new family member” into his world, in which he felt comfortable and cozy even without his stepfather/stepmother. Sometimes children believe that dad will come back, so they do not allow a person who, in his opinion, is “useless” into their family. Childhood egocentrism is a common phenomenon when a child does not want to share his parent with anyone. Negative attitude of the stepfather/stepmother towards the child. Excessive strictness of the new “father/mother”, an obvious change in household rules and regulations. Passive attitude of mother/father to conflicts between the new husband/wife and child. Most often, children become irritable, unbearable in character and behavior, try to do everything contrary, and throw up.	Initially, the child should be prepared for the fact that a new person will come into his world. This can be done by bringing the potential new family member just for a visit first. Everything needs to be done gradually, without damaging the child’s psyche. When the baby gets used to the fact that this person comes to visit, you can go for a walk in the park with the guest or take the baby on the rides. Then you can spend your leisure time for a long time, staying in the house all day. The parent must make it clear to the child that the arrival of a new person in the family will not reduce the love or care for him. This can only be shown if the parent really thinks so. Do not allow the “guest” to immediately set rules for the baby or punish him. Otherwise, the child may express complete protest towards the person coming. The stepfather/stepmother needs to learn to respect and accept the child for who he is, and not raise him in his own way. This will be done by the biological parent. The maximum a new family member can afford is to give the baby advice and gain authority with his intelligence, interest and care for the baby.
The child is jealous of his parents towards other children in the family.	The child is acutely aware of the appearance of a brother or sister in the family. He feels a lack of attention, uselessness, resentment that now his parents do not love him as much as before. The firstborn does not allow him to take his things, pushes the youngest away from him, and is jealous of the fact that his things are inherited by a brother or sister. Emotionally, the baby changes dramatically: aggression appears in the child’s behavior or, conversely, the baby withdraws into himself. The reasons for jealousy may be the following factors: 1. They began to devote less time to the baby. And this is natural, since a newborn requires special attention. But the older child cannot yet understand and accept this. 2. Children's "Ego". One child in the house is the favorite of all loved ones. When a newborn appears, the older child perceives him as a rival who is trying to “overthrow him from the throne.” 3. Wrong position of parents. Sometimes parents themselves become the culprits of their firstborn’s jealousy. The baby undoubtedly takes up all the free space and the parents’ excuse: “Go read it yourself, I’m busy” or “You’re already an adult, you can handle it yourself,” etc. is perceived as discrimination and can provoke the elder to aggression, anger, even hatred towards his brother or sister.	Parents must wisely distribute time between their children, without depriving their first-born of attention. When your youngest falls asleep, spend time with your older child. You can do something with him in the kitchen, telling him things that are interesting to him (or use the method by inventing a fairy tale about the problem your baby has). Don’t forget to hug and kiss your child, showing him your love. Teach your child to share from a very early age, nurturing kindness in him. While there is no second child, teach him to share with you. Communicate with your baby. Try to explain to him that love cannot be divided, and that you love as unconditionally as before. Never compare children: “but your brother/sister doesn’t act as bad as you,” etc. The child will always feel competition, and therefore see his brother or sister as an enemy.

Preventing jealousy in a child

In order to avoid situations where a child is jealous, you should take care of his mental balance in advance. To do this, there are several good and good rules for parents:

• Teach your baby to take care of loved ones.
• Teach your child to share. You shouldn’t give him the best, even in food. Do not focus your child’s attention on the fact that he is the center of the Universe.
• Do not push your baby away if he comes to you for a portion of affection and tenderness.
• Do not confront your child with the fact: “soon you will have a new dad/mom.” This pushes the child away, because he begins to think that his opinion is worthless and that he is not such an important member of the family.
• You can avoid provoking a child’s jealousy when a brother or sister appears if you monitor your own behavior. Before giving your newborn a crib, buy your first-born a new bed at least a couple of months before the arrival of a new family member. Psychologically prepare your baby for the fact that he will soon meet his brother or sister . Spend a few evenings explaining to your baby that the arrival of a baby will not affect your love and relationship.
• Don't change traditions. If you have some days that are dedicated to your older child, don’t forget about them.
• Teach your child not to feel the spirit of competition towards the newborn, but the need to protect and care for him.

Psychologists about childhood jealousy

Psychologist P.L. Basansky:

Children's egocentrism is a common phenomenon. And it lies in the desire for constant and undivided attention to oneself. We all sometimes really, really want this :). And what can we say about children? Even more so, they simply need it - as confirmation of the unconditional love of their parents. Therefore, everything and everyone who distracts this very attention from them is perceived by children as rivals. This is how childhood jealousy arises.

Psychologist Elizaveta Lonskaya:

Competition for the attention of their parents is not at all uncommon between children, especially children of the same age. In my opinion, children’s rivalry and jealousy towards each other cannot develop without the help of parents - that is, when parents fall for the children’s desire to drag them into their “showdowns.” The quantity + quality of communication with children is also of great importance. If children lack it and parents are always busy, this creates good ground for the development of jealousy.

Doctor med. Sciences, psychotherapist Viktor Kagan

As long as humanity has existed, so has the jealousy of an older child towards a younger one. Remember the biblical Cain and you will understand that this negative feeling is not so uncommon. The overwhelming number of families face a similar problem when the eldest child is not happy about the appearance of a brother or sister. The root of evil lies in the reluctance of an older child to share parental love and attention with a new family member.

A child is not always happy about the appearance of a younger brother or sister

Children under 5 years of age show the greatest sensitivity. This age-related feature is due to the fact that they themselves have not yet moved away from parental care and are accustomed to considering themselves the most important members of the family. Jealousy takes on a hypertrophied form in same-sex children. For six-year-olds and older children, the problem is not so acute, since they are already acquiring a certain independence and can more easily tolerate the presence of a younger brother or sister.

What is childhood jealousy and how to deal with it?

Parents' hopes that problems can be avoided are wrong. It may be possible to smooth out the corners, but it will not be possible to completely eliminate it. The famous child psychologist Donald Woods Winnicott argues that childhood jealousy is a normal phenomenon that grows up with love. A child who does not know how to love will not be jealous. The main task of parents is to ensure that the older child does not feel guilty for his jealous attitude towards the newborn.

The big mistake of many adults is that they try not to notice negative manifestations and turn a blind eye to the incorrect behavior of the first-born towards the baby. The right thing to do would be to support your elder, praise him more often, and show him that you believe in him, regardless of the age difference between the children.

Afraid of losing your faith in him, the child will try to justify it. Help your “competitor” calmly get through a difficult moment, let him understand that a newborn baby will not overshadow your love, but now you will live together.

To prevent childhood jealousy, it is better to prepare the child for the arrival of the youngest from pregnancy

Particular patience and attention is required from parents of children of the same sex, with a small age difference, and those whose first child is a boy. Girls are naturally ready to babysit children, so they get along more easily with the idea that they are not alone with their parents. If adults behave correctly, smooth out a difficult situation and learn to forgive the child, support him and understand him, he will survive his jealous attitude.

How to prepare an older child?

Psychologists believe that if you properly prepare your older offspring for the arrival of another child, he will overcome the negativity even before you return from the hospital. How to correctly explain the upcoming event to a child, what words to calm him down and prepare him? Tell him that a brother or sister will soon appear in your family. Prepare in advance answers to questions about where he will sleep, whether you can play with him, whether you will love him more than your elder.

When answering, do not forget to assure the child of your love, explain that all children are dear to parents. Explain to your child how great it is when you have someone to play with and keep secrets with, that your best friend is always with you. To answer sensitive questions, use books about pregnancy and the birth of children that tell about this in an accessible form. Tell your child about what babies are like, how they develop and grow, what they can and cannot do. Remind him that he was once like that.

It is necessary to focus on the fact that the younger child will become the best friend of the older one.

Encourage any initiative of the child related to preparing for the meeting of a new family member. Together with him, choose a stroller and toys for the newborn, and consult about the baby’s name. If the offspring wants to give the baby his toy, be sure to praise him and be happy. Every action and word of yours aimed at bringing the older offspring closer to the younger one will prevent the manifestation of jealousy.

What mistakes should you avoid?

The most dangerous mistake that parents make is to remove the mother from the first-born in favor of the second child. Forget about phrases such as: you are already quite an adult; you can do it yourself, you must behave differently, I will ask you more. Moreover, do not refuse your child’s request, citing the reason that you have another baby. Please note the following:

• Give your firstborn some personal space. Never insist that he give his toys to the younger one, do not be cool about the fact that the baby broke the first-born’s toy, and do not put the baby in the bed of the older child.
• Be especially careful with children under 3 years of age, who have a very strong sense of their own space and find it difficult to tolerate its reduction.
• Having noticed signs of jealousy, never compare your offspring, do not say that one of them is worse than the other. Use cartoon characters, other children, and fairy tale characters for positive and negative examples.

Parents should not compare children, otherwise it will end their friendship

• Clearly convey to the first-born the fact that the baby is helpless, that he cannot do without you.
• Involve your offspring in caring for the baby by asking him to perform simple actions: bring a diaper, give him a bottle, shake a rattle.
• Draw the attention of the elder to the fact that the little “competitor” loves him and smiles at him.
• If an adult child takes the initiative, tries to feed or change the baby’s diaper, do not scold him, encourage his impulses, explain how to do it right.

Dr. Komarovsky believes that in difficult cases, when an adult child is very jealous, it makes sense to seek the help of specialists. The famous pediatrician supports the recommendations of other doctors about the preliminary preparation of children for the arrival of a little person in the family. In addition, Komarovsky does not deny psychotherapeutic treatment if conventional methods fail to cope with the situation.

Examples of situations and solutions

Analysis of common situations will help inexperienced parents build relationships between children correctly. We have prepared examples for you and accompanied them with a detailed explanation:

• Refusal to give up a crib. The correct decision would be to transfer the elder to another bed in advance 2-3 months before the baby arrives. If you missed the situation, try to gently explain to the child that he has already outgrown the small crib and you are offering him a new beautiful bed, like mom and dad.

To allocate a crib for a younger child, you need to transfer the older one to his own in advance.

• Please breastfeed. If the child is one year old and still breastfeeding, a categorical refusal would be a mistake. Explain to the baby that the mother does not have much milk, it may not be enough for the younger one, offer a tasty alternative.
• Insists on returning the baby to the maternity hospital. Draw a verbal picture about how good he will be with the youngest child, how they will play and walk together.
• Makes noise and talks loudly while the youngest is sleeping. It cannot be strictly prohibited; it should be suggested to play whisper conversations. Remember that this is a child in front of you, the game is the best option for him to correctly convey what he wants. Tell me that when he was sleeping little, everyone also spoke in whispers.
• Feeling abandoned. Involve other family members in caring for the baby so that you can devote time to your first child. Let dad go for a walk with the baby, and you play with your firstborn and read a book. Just 1.5-2 hours and your baby will again feel that he is needed, that he is loved and remembered.

Negativity towards the second child

In addition to general behavior, the child may exhibit a negative reaction towards the baby himself. Let's look at some common examples of jealousy:

• It hurts the baby. If you notice that the older child is offending the little one, try not to leave them alone. By resorting to punishment, you may provoke more cruel treatment.

An older child should not be allowed to offend a younger one.

• Takes away toys. By taking a toy from your second child, your firstborn wants to show his negative attitude towards him. To correct the situation, give the older one a new toy, tell him that he is already an adult for playing with rattles, go with him to the store and buy toys for him and the younger child.
• Shows fatigue from working with the baby. You can’t force him to push a stroller or work with the baby without leaving free time for other games. When the baby is sleeping, pay attention to the adult child so that he does not lack parental love and participation.
• Walks with a sad expression on his face. If you notice that your adult child has become sad since the birth of the baby, you should be wary and take action. This mood can turn into depression, so don’t forget about him, pay attention, kiss, pick him up, play, find time so that he doesn’t experience a lack of your attention.
• “Falls” into childhood. A completely independent child suddenly begins to behave the way he behaved when he was one or two years old. He asks to be held in his arms, fed with a spoon, refuses to dress himself, and starts screaming. You shouldn’t follow his lead, but you shouldn’t completely refuse his requests. Find the “golden mean”: let the baby sit on your lap for a while, read him a bedtime story, put him to bed, sing a lullaby.

If a child deliberately behaves like a child, there is no need to harshly cut him off or punish him

How to distinguish jealousy from a child crisis?

Inappropriate behavior of an older child when a small family member appears may not always be due to jealousy. Remember the notorious crisis of three-year-olds, about which child psychologists write and talk a lot. Pediatricians designate several periods when a child experiences a behavioral crisis: 1 year, 2 years, from 3 to 4 years (three-year-old crisis) (more details in the article:). Stubbornness, endless whims, aggression, crying, withdrawal - these are signs of an age-related crisis in children.

A psychologist will help you recognize the reasons for this behavior. Contact a specialist for advice and assistance. Please also take into account the fact that child psychology professionals believe that a child who has not gone through age-related crises develops with malfunctions. Outbreaks of bad mood and behavior indicate that the baby is mastering new stages of his life. Parting with the past, he painfully experiences growing up.

A special situation arises when the weather in the family grows. The crisis can overtake both children, then the parents will have a hard time. The eldest and the youngest are capricious, the house is a mess, the children are hysterical, crying, disobeying, and demanding increased attention. However, this is another problem, not related to a jealous relationship between your offspring, you just need to get over it. Actually, this is a kind of rehearsal for a really difficult teenage crisis.

Children the same age can simultaneously enter a crisis, which is very difficult for parents

If the children have grown up, and the relationship between them remains tense, jealousy is still alive, teach them to cooperate with each other. Give them joint tasks and assignments, introduce rules in the family when the kids will inevitably have to do something together. In addition, outline the norms of behavior in your small unit of society. For example, if you can’t take other people’s things, then no one can. Raise your children by your own example of respect for the personal space of other family members.

Offer your offspring common games and entertainment, combine their efforts in preparing for the holiday. Buy several board games for different ages, go to a matinee with the younger child with the older one, and vice versa - take the younger one to watch competitions with the participation of the older one.

Become for your little treasures the link that connects them equally firmly. Give love equally, without highlighting one or depriving the other, be wise, fair and honest with children.

Discuss the older child's jealousy of the younger one with other relatives. Warn your grandparents about your actions and ask them to follow the rules you set. Often, due to the wrong attitude of other family members, the situation becomes more complicated and it is much more difficult to correct it. The grandmother begins to feel sorry for the first-born, which leads to an increase in his jealous perception of the younger child. The peace of mind of the child and family during the upcoming addition depends only on mom and dad.

The first baby, beloved by parents and grandparents, may experience moral discomfort at the moment when his younger brother or sister is born. Due to the new way of life, parents see that the child is jealous of the younger one; the psychologist’s advice in this case has a clear structure and direction, which is expressed in the formation of the same attitude towards both children.

If the baby feels an insufficiently warm attitude toward himself or parental love manifests itself more strongly in communication with the newborn child, then the elder begins to experience jealousy, which affects his mental state and

Correcting the situation in a timely manner and contacting a child psychologist will turn the older child’s jealousy towards the newborn into an understanding that the attitude towards him in the family has not changed, and his help and mutual understanding are important to parents when communicating with all family members.

Hostility or jealousy of an older child towards a younger one is quite common, since the all-encompassing love of modern parents for children makes children become attached to them and the baby perceives any changes in the behavior of adults as stress. Psychologists have identified other objective reasons that can affect a child’s behavior; in order to eliminate negative aspects in relationships with children, they must be analyzed and tried to never be allowed to happen.

Feeling lonely

This reason for jealous behavior more often occurs in children who were the only child in the family. Due to fatigue and a change in the “ruling” party in the house, the mother, one way or another, pays less attention to the older child.

Every child psychologist immediately identifies a similar situation, as the child begins to behave distrustfully and secretly. It’s hard for him to realize that his younger brother or sister is also vying for parental love.

The way out of the situation is based on building trusting relationships through joint care of the baby, during which all family members have common concerns, and therefore time for spending time together and family conversations.

Every psychologist notes that in a family with two or more children, adaptation to a new addition to the family is perceived as the norm. Since parental attention already extends to several children, both mom and dad already know how to distribute their love and affection.

Lack of attention, separation from mother

This reason follows from the first and occurs immediately after a younger brother or sister is born. The parents' state of fatigue leads to the fact that they constantly brush it off, play less, and talk little with their first-born.

The little one takes up almost all of the mother’s time, so constant care and love is divided into two, the adult baby begins to be jealous, which leads to psychological problems and in the future a psychologist may be needed to rehabilitate the baby.

The need to grow up

As soon as a newborn baby appears in the family, the eldest child becomes an adult and acquires new responsibilities. He needs to help his parents with the little one and do household chores. In addition, the mother no longer has time to clean up after her two children and the first baby has to clean up her own “mess” on her own.

For small pranks that adults liked, children are increasingly scolded and called to responsibility.

The psychologist’s advice in this case is the same: do not force your first-born to do household chores, but explain to him that cleaning is an opportunity to help his mother and she will be very grateful.

Psychologists identify signs in a child’s behavior that indicate jealousy towards a younger child. These include behavior when:

1. The always obedient baby has become capricious and irritable. For no apparent reason, he freaks out and cries;
2. The older one regresses in skills, tries to become like the “small one”. Some children may start peeing or sucking their thumb, attracting the attention of their parents;
3. The baby does not want to share the toys and clothes he has outgrown;
4. Jealousy also manifests itself when a child is overly curious about a newborn., he is interested in toys and accessories and everything that happens to the younger one.

By following the advice of psychologists, you can avoid deep moral trauma if you identify these signs in time and immediately begin working to improve your relationship with a jealous child.

How jealous a child is

Every child psychologist talks about three types of jealous behavior. Because babies express themselves differently when communicating with adults when they are sure that the newborn takes up more of their time than he does.

To give advice on solving the problem, it is necessary to determine the type of jealous behavior in the child. Types of jealousy include:

1. Passive when the baby withdraws into himself, talks less, laughs less, and is often in a depressed, sad state.
2. Behavioral, when the firstborn attracts attention to himself, he commits actions uncharacteristic of his age. Constantly pulls his mother back when she is with the youngest.

Another manifestation of the fact that the baby has begun to be jealous is that he puts on a diaper, demands food in a bottle, wants to appear like a baby so that his mother will take care of him like a little one.

1. Aggressive when the baby begins to be jealous and at the same time behaves aggressively towards the younger one. In this case, the newborn may suffer physical injuries, so parents should immediately contact a professional; the psychologist will give important advice on how to quickly restore harmony in the baby’s soul.

The older you get, the easier it gets.

According to child psychologist Janusz Korczak and others: the older the child, the less concerned he is about the younger one, or more precisely about his behavior and the fact that his parents share their love.

The older the firstborn is, the more independent activities he has: sections, clubs, games. A teenager, as a rule, has more friends and can spend time outside doing activities that interest him. Therefore, there is no need for an adult child to be jealous of his parents when a younger brother or sister is born, because he has already received all his mother’s love in full in childhood.

The most important advice is that for the peace of mind of the baby, after the youngest baby is born, parents need to correctly distribute attention between the children and create a trusting atmosphere within the family. Psychologists advise teaching your child to help and understand others by example.

If the younger one nevertheless became the reason that the first-born began to be jealous, reconsider your behavior. Involve your baby in caring for the baby, let him provide diapers, diapers, and look after the baby while he sleeps.

You can trust rocking your baby in a crib, stroller, and playing while awake.

Show the “grown man” his first photos, tell him that he was also small, and he was given a lot of time, which is now required by the smallest baby.

In a safe environment, on a sofa or bed, let your baby hold it, let it feel awe and a certain responsibility.

Every child psychologist will first of all give the following advice: do not scold the baby for awkward movements towards the baby, praise any positive manifestations and help in caring for his younger brother or sister.

In addition to directly working on harmony in the family, after the birth of the second baby, it is necessary to prepare the first-born to meet a new, small family member:

A child who is not properly prepared to meet his brother or sister will be jealous of the second child. Along with this, every child psychologist advises parents to be an example in nurturing such qualities as mutual understanding and mutual assistance. Be attentive to your baby, and then he will become your most important assistant in caring for your newborn.

Such a long-awaited, beloved second baby in the family. Just recently, mom, dad and, of course, the first-born dreamed of his appearance in the family. Everything changed when the first-born saw how lovingly the mother rocked the newborn baby and kissed the baby’s hands. Jealousy of the eldest child flares up towards the youngest member of the family.

An affectionate, obedient little man who loves his parents changes beyond recognition. Adults are faced with hysterics, screaming, aggression towards the baby, and demands to return the newborn back. It is immediately obvious that the older child is jealous. Upset by the appearance of a little brother or sister in the house, the first-born may even become seriously ill.

Unfortunately, childhood jealousy at the birth of a second child is a common occurrence. Psychologists warn that all families who have a second child face such jealousy. It depends only on the parents whether the first-born child’s adaptation to his younger brother or sister will be mild or severe, whether the kids will grow up to be true friends or become complete strangers to each other.

Seeing that all the attention in the house is paid to the youngest child, the eldest has a feeling of uselessness in the family. After all, the mother spends more time with the baby. All the talk in the house is about the new member of the family. A feeling of hatred for the newborn baby appears and forms in the baby’s soul.

Sources of jealousy

The baby was always sure that his mother and father loved him. All the time his parents showed him their attention and care, played together and helped him solve problems. The little fidget felt that he was the most important member of the family. Adults rejoiced at the first step, the first tooth. Mom always showed photographs where the preschooler was a very tiny baby.

With the advent of a younger brother or sister, the baby suddenly realizes that now it is not his actions, achievements, and even he himself that is most important for his beloved parents. Attention, mother’s love, it turns out, must wait. Mom does not run to the older fool at the first cry, she takes care of the baby.

The child is jealous of the younger one because he does not receive the all-encompassing love that enveloped him before. The first-born is suffering: his mother does not love him because he was not an obedient child. The baby feels lonely and abandoned, especially at night in the dark. The fidget lacks the attention and care that adults used to show.

Parents now simply don’t have as much time for games, reading fairy tales and walks. During a walk in the park, the mother sits next to the stroller with the baby, and does not rock the swing or help build a sand castle. The little fool begins to be jealous of the baby. His jealousy of the newborn can sometimes result in hurting his younger rival.

It is very important for adults to develop the right line of behavior with their first-born. If your older child is jealous, be understanding of your first child’s negative attitude towards his younger brother or sister. The baby can have his own opinion. Adults need to understand how an upset child feels and help establish good relationships between children.

Children under 5 years of age show their jealousy of a newborn especially acutely. Older children no longer require such total care as little ones. Children over 5 years old can already play independently; such children already have friends with whom the fidget spends a lot of time.

If the first child in the family was a boy or same-sex children were born, one should expect a clear manifestation of childhood jealousy. Older girls adapt more easily to the arrival of a brother or sister. Girls are actively involved in the educational process, imitate their mother, try to help with caring for the baby: they try to change diapers, show rattles, play with the baby.

You should not turn a blind eye to the improper behavior of your older fidget towards your younger child. In case of active, aggressive behavior towards a newborn baby, consultation with a psychologist is necessary. Don't try to pretend the problem doesn't exist. Childhood jealousy will not go away on its own.

Showing jealousy towards a younger child

Sometimes the firstborn's jealousy manifests itself in obvious actions, but very often the child cannot express his feelings, and then jealousy leads to a change in the preschooler's behavior.

• The baby “falls into childhood.” Children 2-3 years old especially often show their jealousy this way. The foolish child sees how the mother shows special care and attention to the helpless baby. Then the baby begins to behave as in early childhood: he refuses to dress and put on his shoes on his own, demands to be fed with a spoon or given milk from his mother’s breast, and stops going to the potty on his own. The restless one wants to be carried too, and begins sucking the pacifier again.
• Mental imbalance. The appearance of a new family member is a psychological shock for a restless person. The psyche of the first-born is in a state of strong, constant stress. The preschooler demonstrates constant mood swings: increased liveliness, bouts of incomprehensible tearfulness.
• "Mutiny on the ship." Since you don’t love me anymore, I won’t listen to you - the principle of a little rebel. The child begins to behave demonstratively rudely, behaves hooliganly, and does everything in defiance. In response to words of admonition, parents often hear: love the little one, raise him, but I don’t need your advice.
• The firstborn asks to return his brother or sister back to the maternity hospital.
• Consciously tries to cause pain to the baby: hit the baby, pinch, push.
• Takes away toys and does not allow him to play with his toys.
• Refuses to give up his crib to his tiny brother or sister.

In order to minimize the jealousy of the older child towards the younger rival, parents should prepare their first-born for changes in the life of the family several months before the birth of the second offspring.

How to Avoid Jealousy

Psychologists have developed tips on how to help parents prepare their little person for changes in the home. To avoid problems that may arise for the eldest with the second child in the family, psychology offers the following behavior options:

In advance, preferably 2-3 months in advance, make the necessary changes in the life of a preschooler. Offer to sleep like a big one on an adult bed. If the parents decide to give the eldest a separate room, present the move to this room as a new stage in the baby’s growing up. For example, you are already a completely independent baby, almost an adult, and you will have your own room.

It is also best to register a preschooler for kindergarten several months before the baby arrives in the house. This way, the baby won’t get the feeling that adults want to get rid of him, so they send him to kindergarten. In kindergarten, the fidget will have many new interesting activities, and the mother will have additional time to raise her baby.

Before mommy goes to the maternity hospital, it would be nice to invite grandma to the house for a few days. An affectionate feminine attitude will help the fidget wait for her mother without traumatizing the baby’s psyche with a long separation.

Returning from the maternity hospital, mommy must kiss her eldest offspring and tell the preschooler how bored she was without him. Caress the fidget, show him the little baby. It’s better to immediately involve your assistant in common matters: ask the mother and mother to sort out the baby’s things and hang up the rattles. Ask about what happened to the little fidget while his mother was away from home. The preschooler will immediately feel that his mother still loves him and will be happy to help his beloved mother.

Be sure to draw the attention of your older child to the baby’s expressions of emotion: look, your little brother recognizes you and is smiling at you. To prevent your assistant from accidentally harming the baby, try not to leave them alone at first. If your baby is bottle-fed, you should not let your first-born child bottle-feed.

Don't take away your first child's childhood. You shouldn’t tell your little one: you’re the eldest, which means you’re obligated and obligated. You can’t reproach an older child for playing. Don't tell the little fidget - you're already an adult, don't act like a little one, be serious.

The first-born should know: if another baby appears in the family’s life, the eldest will remain the beloved little person. When mom is very busy with the baby, dad’s task is to distract the elder’s attention from sad thoughts.

Love equally

Children react very sensitively to any injustice. Any discharge from one baby will be a painful blow to the second. The slightest imbalance in attitude towards offspring will be immediately noticed.

• Don't change your elder's daily routine by adjusting it to the newborn's routine. Every evening, your first child got used to listening to the bedtime story you told him - let this tradition remain.
• All children in the family should receive equal attention. You are feeding the baby, or he is sleeping - talk to the older baby at this time. Offer to conduct the conversation in a whisper, tell the preschooler how you looked after him when he was also such a baby.
• Divide everything equally between the children. You shouldn’t say: you’re the eldest, which means you can do without juice. Take the baby in your arms, kiss the frowning older preschooler. The eldest child is not much older; he also needs affection, care, and love from his parents.

There should be no double standards in the family. You shouldn’t leave the younger person’s hooliganism unpunished just because he is the youngest in the family and should be forgiven. Good deeds should definitely be praised; you can encourage them with some kind of action. For example, allow him to watch another cartoon or read a new fairy tale to the baby.

Be sure to have a stern discussion with all adult members of your family. Usually, grandparents love to single out one of their grandchildren, pamper him, forgive all pranks, completely ignoring the fact that the other child is developing a feeling of jealousy. Most often, grandmothers pamper the younger offspring of the family, reproaching the firstborn for behaving badly, thereby alienating the children.

Never immediately blame your firstborn for any conflict situation. First, calm the kids down, then talk to everyone and find out who is really to blame. If a fight or quarrel started over a favorite toy, try to come up with a game in which the fidgets will play together.

Always remind your children of their closeness. Tell your firstborn that the baby loves him more than others and is always happy to receive attention. Your first baby will feel unfairly offended if family members give gifts or buy beautiful things only for the baby. For him, the concept of justice will be especially acute. Excessive attention to the youngest will only cause rejection and hatred of the small member of the family.

Don't compare your kids' achievements out loud. By arguing who is better and who is worse, you will not develop a spirit of competition. Such discussions in the presence of children only further separate the family ties of the little ones.

Very often children ask their mother who she loves more. There is no need to single out one to punish the other. Tell them that all children are great love and joy in the family. It is the attitude of adults towards their own children that forms trusting, family relationships with each other in little people.

Patience, love of all adult family members, and attention to all your children will create a friendly, harmonious atmosphere in the family. Native little toddlers will not develop jealous feelings towards each other. The kids will become real friends, which is very important in later adult life.

Alena is a regular expert on the PupsFull portal. She writes articles about psychology, education and learning and games for children.

Articles written

When a child appears in a family, for many it is a great happiness. If the baby was long-awaited, if both parents really wanted him, then from the first days of his birth he will be surrounded by care and attention.

If we consider that for parents this is only a school, that they are just acquiring the first skills and subtleties of the role of mom and dad, then they do everything thoroughly, all the time worrying about whether they are doing it right. This anxiety is sometimes transmitted to the child himself, and it often happens that the first child cries all the time, seemingly for no apparent reason.

When does jealousy appear?

Psychologists cannot say for sure when exactly jealousy begins to appear. It often happens that parents expecting a second child begin to “prepare” the eldest one in advance for the arrival of a brother or sister. They explain that they will now have a friend to play with, that together with their brother or sister they will be able to watch TV or read books. And the appearance of a red screaming lump causes bewilderment and disappointment in the older child and in some cases provokes dislike for the youngest member of the family.

More often, of course, jealousy begins to manifest itself when the elder feels that all attention is now paid to the newborn: he is bathed, rocked to sleep, gently cooed over him all the time, constantly fed or swaddled. At this moment, the eldest child feels rejected.

Does jealousy always occur?

If the eldest child is a girl, then, most likely, her jealousy will not be so strong, because subconsciously every girl - a future mother - feels the need to take care of the little one. For her, the child is to some extent a living toy. The age difference also plays an important role.

Children are the same age

Naturally, children of the same age will not feel the difference in their relationship to each other, because sometimes a mother, without having yet stopped breastfeeding one, gives birth to a second child. Then the children grow up together almost like twins: they have a common bath, then they bathe together in a large bath, play together, sleep together. Reasons for jealousy will, of course, still appear later, especially if parents compare them or set one as an example to the other.

Children with a difference of 8-12 years

If the difference in children is 8-12 years old, then jealousy in this case also rarely takes on the character of aggression. On the contrary, the older child, who no longer depends so much on his mother, who already has a circle of his own interests, will rather show curiosity about the little man, and maybe even feel a desire to help his mother care for this helpless lump.

The observation and desire to explore characteristic of a teenager will contribute to the fact that he and his parents will begin to watch how his brother and sister change every day, how they learn to roll over, crawl, walk, and talk. These feelings, ideally, give rise to a patronizing attitude towards the younger person, a desire to protect or, conversely, help or teach.

Children with a difference of 3-7 years

It is much more difficult for those parents whose children have an age difference of 3-7 years. Children under 5 years of age are still very dependent on their parents, and their interests are still limited to the family. In addition, children at this age do not yet know how to take into account the interests of other family members. Rivalry is most pronounced between children of the same sex.

What to do?

How to help children, especially older ones, not feel a sense of inferiority because they are not the only ones in the family. Psychologists say that children should never be forced to show love to each other. Some parents demand that children constantly hug (“Come on, show how much you love your little brother!”), or play forced games together. In this case, the older one is always “assigned” one role, and the younger one another. As a result, this can lead to a tragic confrontation: the hard worker and the slacker, Harlequin and Pierrot, beloved daughter and Cinderella.

How can this be avoided?

Psychologists say that it is better to let children take out feelings of resentment or jealousy on each other. If the parents punish the older one, he will harbor a grudge and later begin to secretly harass the younger one. For example, under the guise of an affectionate hug, he will begin to choke, under the guise of an innocent kiss, he will bite, etc. Therefore, give children the opportunity to build their relationships themselves. To make this happen easier and more painlessly, listen to the advice of experienced parents or psychologists.

1. Remind your older child more often that he was little too: show photographs and videos. Explain that he also used to require more care and attention, and now he can be an assistant and, to some extent, a “teacher” for the younger child.
2. During your baby's nap time at home or when your baby is sleeping peacefully in the stroller on a walk, try to play with your older child so that he knows he is still loved.
3. Do not compare children and do not set examples for each other - you will create unnecessary rivalry, which can then lead to open confrontation.
4. Try not to call your newborn the same affectionate nicknames that your firstborn had. Better come up with new ones for him.
5. Do not force the elder to take care of the baby against his will: for example, changing a diaper or other not very pleasant procedures. It’s better to explain that you can’t cope without his help, but assign tasks that will help the children get in touch better. For example, massage your legs or stroke your tummy, or maybe show him a new toy and teach him how to play with it.
6. Do not punish the first-born, especially physically, if he has not fulfilled some duties towards the little one. Sometimes silence or the expressive look of a tired mother will have a much stronger impact on the offender.
7. Never allow your youngest to do what you have always forbidden to your firstborn. This will actually become the basis for hidden hostility: why is he allowed, but I’m not allowed?
8. And one last thing. Sometimes grandmothers offer older children to stay with them until the baby becomes more independent and the mother can rest more. Yes, life will become easier for a certain period, but then you will have to doubly catch up.

Children, artificially separated from each other and accustomed to living according to their own regime, will then have a much more difficult time “getting used to it.” Therefore, it is better to overcome all difficulties together, but then there will be so many reasons for joy and discoveries.