Childhood lies at any age deliver a lot to parents unpleasant sensations... Only now, often, they do not understand that, without noticing it, they are pushing the child onto the path of lies.
How to wean a child from lying? First you need to understand the reasons. Why is he doing this? What goal does it want to achieve? And only then begin to act.
Flight of fantasy
Sometimes parents call the kid's violent fantasy a lie. Because he exists in an imaginary world so much that he often confuses it with reality. And it scares the family.
Example. The girl can play with imaginary toys, dolls. Not to be confused with an invented girlfriend! The boy shows his parents an imaginary fight with a dragon, and he doesn't even have a stick in his hands.
Instead of playing along, the parents abruptly pull up the child - don't lie! And the child ceases to fantasize, in the understanding of adults - to lie.
Decision. This is the most harmless kind of childish lies. Do not dwell on it. Channel your offspring's wild imagination in a useful direction. Draw, write fairy tales, do any kind of creativity. And along the way, explain to your child that instead of telling stories to everyone we know, we will write a story together. Or we will draw the plot of his fantasy.
Fear of punishment
When parents constantly jerk the child, punish, threaten, then he begins to lie. Just out of fear to get scolded from them. Often adults do not notice how their offspring is tyrannized. And they call it education. The kid stops trusting, begins to dodge, lie, even if caught red-handed.
Example. The child broke an expensive vase. To the mother's question: "Who did it?" replies: "It's a cat." Moreover, there were never any animals in the house.
Taking a chocolate bar without asking and with a smeared face with manic stubbornness, he denies what he has done. He will stand his ground, in the hope that he will avoid another portion of abuse.
Decision. Stop scolding your child. Even when he did something bad, do not punish, but explain why it is bad. And this should be done as early as possible. That is, your lectures will be useless to a teenager if from a very young age you punish him without explanation.
Try to regain his trust. For the offspring, you must be first of all a friend, and only then a mother. Who is also a housewife.
Hidden emotions
Of course, each of the parents wants to see their child always cheerful, cheerful and cheerful. Only now he is also a man, albeit still small. He gets tired, sad, angry, just like adults.
Example. Mom took the boy from the kindergarten and drags him home by the hand. The kid does not want to go and whines: "I'm tired!" To which the parent replies: “How could you get tired, you played in the kindergarten all day. Stop whining! "
The little one falls silent and smiles strainedly. And then she stops telling her parents the truth. If the situation is not changed now, then in the future, even with the most terrible problems, he will tell his parents that everything is fine with him.
Exit. Never limit your child's emotions. Of course, if this does not contradict the specific situation. Inappropriate squeal in the store with the commanding tone of "buy!" doesn't count. Don't bother when your toddler wants to be sad or tired. At other suitable moments, let him talk, if necessary - help him find the words. Than earlier baby gets used to sharing his little troubles with you, the easier it will be for you to find mutual languagewhen he becomes a teenager.
Child love and parent-actors
How often does my mother shake her head theatrically and lament: “Ay-yay-yay! How you upset me! " Then he clutches at his heart with a pretense, looking for valerian. What did the child do? Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything is within the normal range of a developed baby. Only now mommy does not have enough desire to calm the naughty child in a different way. So she arranges mini-performances. It's good that at least not in front of strangers.
Situation. Guests came, the little one is agitated, begins to chase, rage, ceases to obey. After the outsiders leave, the mother plays her trademark "deep swoon" of frustration for the behavior of the offspring.
The next time the child will just lie to her. That he behaved well, that he obeyed his grandmother, that he did not fight with his sister. After all, you can't upset your beloved mom! Look how bad it is for her.
Way out of the problem. Stop making picture scenes for your child. Children under 12 are extremely impressionable. Your concert can negatively affect the child's psyche. In the future, he will lie not only to you, but also to his relatives, classmates, and soulmate. And all just so as not to upset.
Complexes
Some parents do not fully understand that the child is just learning. At the slightest failure, instead of support, they criticize, set up as an example of other children. The child begins to consider himself inferior. His self-esteem goes down. And banal lies begin to look better in the eyes of others.
Situation. The kid spent some time with his grandparents. On his return, he describes his exploits and good behavior in colors. Mom, after talking with her grandmother, finds out that her son told the same fantastic incidents at a party. And he behaved disgustingly.
Solution. Never compare your baby to others. He must always be sure that he is the most unique and beautiful for you. Even when misbehaving or lying. Stop criticizing the child, even if you deserve it. Careful debriefing in calm tones, and now the baby himself strives to be better than others. After all, mommy is so proud of him, which means you really need to correspond, and not invent star stories.
Inattention
The most incomprehensible kind of lie, which cannot be called a lie. Rather, embellishment. But justified from the point of view of the child. Parents in a frantic rhythm modern life pay too little attention to the child. Even in the evening, when the whole family is at home, he is left to himself. With him there is no time to play or talk, household chores are running out.
Example. The little one starts to lie. Only not to you, but to those around you. From a conversation with a teacher or teacher, you will learn about your wonderful family, about the supposedly remarkable successes. And at the same time, there are complaints of bad behavior, conflicts with peers begin. Imaginary living friends appear.
Way out of the problem. The child lacks parental attention. Spend more time together. If you hate household issues, solve them together. You wash the dishes - let the child wipe. He doesn't want to wipe, let him just be there. Discuss his past day, ask about his successes. Then play together and read. A kid under 7 years old doesn't need much.
As for the teenager, it is more difficult here. One mother, in order to find a common language with her son, had to learn to play his favorite computer shooter. But there was a topic for a general conversation. Further more. The woman didn't like the music her child listens to. But for the sake of her son, she honestly read the biography of the group and listened to several of her hits. Mom did not love this musical direction anymore, but when she started a conversation with her son on this topic, you had to see his eyes! And now they do household chores together, discussing new equipment in a shooting game or a bad new video along the way.
What about conflicts? They stopped. As soon as the offspring stopped bragging about his "beautiful" imaginary family at every corner, peers stopped bullying him. After all, before that, they only laughed at him, and he was angry.
And the need to lie disappeared by itself. What for? If the mother already pays enough attention to the child. By the way, enough is not only about feeding, dressing, shoes. This is also moral attention, equal communication and the absence of omissions and hidden grudges.
- Before reproaching your offspring for lying, look at yourself. Perfect to follow, parenting behavior is not always the right example. How many times did you yourself lie in front of a child? Even the smallest deception never escapes the attention of the little man. And if you can lie, then why can't he?
- You may not be able to re-establish the lost psychological contact with your child on the first try. Don't give up, try again and again. Just do not get upset and do not swear if the child continues to lie. Show your love to him over and over again. Talk about her. Explain that you are a little upset now about his lies, but you still love him. And again try to establish contact.
- Offer your child your solution to his problems. Let him know that he will always find support and participation in you. If the baby starts to share with you his fears or successes, then you are doing everything right.
- Do not force the promise to never lie again from your child. And even more so, do not threaten with punishment and all heavenly punishments. Pressure on pity is also a dirty trick. Remember how he was still a crumbled one who clung to you and felt sorry for mom's bo-bo? This pity from love for you will make him lie even more. And the promise to stop should be made on the initiative of the child himself and only!
- As you know, crime is better prevented. Start at a young age. Watch the corresponding cartoons with the baby, read fairy tales, invent stories for him. Train yourself to tell the truth from childhood. And at the same time teach to be tactfully silent so as not to offend. After all, you did not lie, but simply kept silent. Just be sure to write down the moments when it can be done and when it is not.
How to wean a child from lying? Earn his trust, give his attention and support. Love your child. At any age and mood.
Video: what to do if the child is lying
Some parents are condescending to childish lies, thinking that this is only an intermediate stage in personality development. Of course, children love to fantasize violently, but adults are obliged to consider alarming signals in the child's behavior in time. Let's look at some expert advice together and see if it is worth stopping a child's attempts to deceive you and how to wean a child from lying?
Yulia, mother of 8-year-old Anya: “Once I returned home and did not find my favorite vase on the shelf next to the TV. Suspecting that this was the work of my daughter, I decided to ask her. Imagine my surprise when, to the question: “Did you break the vase?”, Came a frightened but confident negative answer. “No, mommy, not me,” my daughter said, hiding her eyes. But, of course, the vase itself could not fall. There was no one else at home, so all responsibility for what happened lies with my child. But why didn't she tell the truth? "
What prompts a child to lie?
Much depends on age. The reasons why a child cheats at 5 years old may be very different than at 13. One thing in common - a lie always has unpleasant consequences. Life principles are laid in childhood, and it depends on how the rest of your life will turn out.
To be a good psychologist for your children, it is important to understand the root causes of cheating. There are several main factors:
- wild imagination;
- thirst for attention;
- fear of punishment;
- unwillingness to lose a good reputation or fear that they will stop loving him;
- striving to impress others.
Let's consider each of them in more detail.
Violent imagination or deliberate deception?
To determine whether it is worth starting “preventive work” with your child about lying, it is important to understand whether the child realizes that he is deceiving you. At an early age up to about 5 years old, children actively get to know the world around them. This is expressed in the fact that they are playing role-playing games or copying someone. For example, showing you a cake in the sandbox and calling it a cake - is the child lying? No, his imagination draws a real cake and adults play along with it. This is how the child's creative thinking and imagination develops.
Craving for attention
Sometimes children tend to embellish reality or exaggerate. And sometimes the stories told by the child belong to the genre of children's fiction. This is how the thirst for attention manifests itself, and parents mistake this behavior for deliberate deception.
Olga, mother of 4-year-old Ilya: “At one time, my son often began to fantasize and invent for himself scary stories... Now he had a terrible dream, then he saw a monster in the corner. We tried to explain that there are no monsters, but he stubbornly continued to lie, and he told his stories at the most inopportune moment: either we were going to the kindergarten, then I was preparing dinner. Friends advised me to pay more attention to the child, and not at the moment when he was lying, but at another time. And in our evenings time was added to our schedule for "intimate" conversations about the past day, about the kindergarten, about the upcoming arrival of guests, about plans for the weekend. So we turned his fantasy into a peaceful channel, and Ilya got the desired share of attention. "
Fear of punishment
You can’t condone deception, much less encourage it. Still, it would be helpful for parents to think: How do I react to my child's mistakes and misdeeds? Is it too strict? If a child is severely punished for every misstep, it will induce him to resort to deception. Wanting to avoid another attack, he decides to just lie. This option will seem much easier to him. This means that the fight against childish lies must begin with the work of adults on themselves.
Fear that his parents will stop loving him
Every time a child has made a mistake, he hears: "sad sack", "Hands in the wrong place", "You always do everything wrong" and sees the reproachful look of adults, he thinks that at such moments he is no longer loved. And it is very painful for him to hear such negative assessments of his personality. But children cannot help but make mistakes, because they are just learning to live. Therefore, most in a similar situation prefer to lie, as 8-year-old Anya did from her mother's story at the beginning of the article.
Most often they lie out of fear that their parents will stop loving them. preschool age.
Children at this age want to please their parents, meet their expectations and be the most loved. They are afraid that their "wrong" or "bad" behavior will not be liked by adults and prefer to lie to look good.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a psychologist-teacher, laureate of the President of the Russian Federation, describes this situation as follows: “The fact that a lie can upset an adult even more than the offense itself does not yet lend itself to understanding, it seems in a simple way solve the problem: say "halva" - and it will be sweet. If parents start to give out such complex constructions as: "Tell me honestly - I will not get angry, but I will punish for lying", the child turns out to be completely disoriented. After all, he understands that he acted badly, that is why he is lying. Why doesn't dad get angry for doing something bad, but threatens to punish him for trying to fix it? Usually, such statements drive children into a deep stupor and they are simply silent or, in confusion, repeat a lie, infuriating the parent. "
In such situations, you need to use the child's desire to please the parents and say something like this: "I love it when they tell the truth", or "I like being honest with me"... But this will only work if the confession is not followed by punishment for the offense itself. Here it is important to inspire confidence in the child and wean him to lie, and to bring up and correct mistakes is the second thing.
Striving to impress others
This factor is more typical for children's societies. Such lies are aimed at impressing peers - in this way the child tries to assert himself or acquire a certain status. The danger of such a lie is that it can move smoothly into adulthood.
Basic principles of combating childish lies
German philosopher Immanuel Kant expressed an important idea: "There are two difficult things in the world - to educate and manage."
If you catch a child lying, don't panic. First, figure it out. Before you somehow react to children's lies, it is important to consider the motives and age. Perhaps he is too young to deliberately deceive you, or this is just a harmless joke. But in school age it's time to take action. How to wean a child from cheating?
The role of parents in such a situation is not to make the child feel guilty, to expose or, even more so, to punish him, but to help resolve the internal conflict.
Don't punish - solve problems
Never punish children when a lie is exposed. It is unlikely that after that they will stop deceiving you. Most likely, the lie will become more subtle. It is best to help your child see the benefits of honesty. Help him correct the situation and make amends by becoming his ally, not his enemy.
You cannot threaten punishment for non-fulfillment of some conditions or for hypothetical offenses. Instead, you need to help the child solve an emerging problem or teach him to solve it himself.
Svetlana, mother of 9-year-old Sasha: “At the weekend we planned to go to the cinema for a film that my son had been waiting for for a long time. Sasha knew that for this he had to study well all week. He said that he wrote an excellent test. But, having come to parent meeting, I had to blush for bad grades. At the same time, we have already gone to the cinema, the son got what he wanted.
The boy has problems with his studies, but instead of informing his parents about it, he prefers to lie, because admitting bad grades means losing the view of the long-awaited film. And here the parents are mostly to blame. Instead of finding out that their son was studying, they took the simplest path - they began to act by blackmail.
Teach your child to be honest
Praise the truth for your child to see how important it is to be honest. Do not be upset, do not scold or nag the child when he came to tell you that he broke a neighbor's window or received a deuce, but praise him for his honesty.
Alison Schaefer, a Canadian psychotherapist and author of Good News You Can't Be Naughty, advises parents: “For a child to come to you with questions such as academic failure, drugs, pregnancy, etc., you must show him now, on the little things that he can confide in you. Don't explode. Maintain your influence by keeping your relationship as a safe haven where you can afford to be imperfect. "
Do not scold your child even after he has admitted his lie. Thank him for his willingness to admit his mistakes and remind him that next time you do not need to lie, you can just come and tell everything.
Do not provoke a child to lie
Instead of strictly asking: "Did you break the vase?", calmly say: "The vase is broken and we need to talk about what happened."... Such a statement eliminates the temptation to cheat and gives the child the opportunity to reconsider their behavior without fear of punishment or reprimand.
How do you make friends and why is it important?
Regardless of age, the child is looking for friends. If at 2 years old you need playmates in the sandbox, then at 12 years old he wants a full-fledged companionship. Try to become a good and reliable friend to your child even before the onset of puberty.
By becoming a true friend with whom the child himself wants to share victories and defeats, you will greatly simplify your parenting role. The child will not want to lie to his best friend. And you will be able to correct it in time and help make the right decisions.
At the same time, it is important in what form the advice will be given. The child should not feel that you are teaching him. Let it be just a good parting word, and not an order from a strict parent. You will soon discover how willingly he listens to you.
Try to communicate more with your child. Play or walk together. Adapt to his age and do not strive to be better and more significant in everything. Never demean your child. Do not criticize his every decision, but trust him more.
How much to trust the child?
Feeling total control is unlikely to cause positive feelings in the child. As a parent, it is your responsibility to know how your son or daughter is living. But if the child is aware that you are trying to completely control him, he will want to get hold of his own space. This will lead the child to lie.
The child must be convinced that he is in your trust.
Do not follow every step and do not check every word he said. Increase your "credit of confidence" if possible. If the child feels this, then, most likely, he will value your trust and will not want to waste it.
Get your child's fantasy back on track
If your child likes to fantasize, make sure to distinguish fantasy from reality. Modern children, surrounded by fairies and monsters, superheroes and their evil enemies, can often confuse fiction and the surrounding reality. Invite your child to compose a fairy tale about a favorite character. Focus on the word "fairy tale", the child must understand that this is fiction.
Vika, mother of 5-year-old Seryozha: “Seryozha has a very rich imagination. Sometimes he can fantasize so much that he scares himself and runs towards us with shouts. Once, while listening to another story about a monster named Shurupik, I decided to write it down. Then I typed it on a computer, leaving room for the illustrations drawn by Seryozha. This is how the first book was born. Now we have about 20 of them. "
For a child who fantasizes in order to impress others, persuasion will work. When doing this, focus on encouragement, not praise. Explain that he doesn't need to be creative to impress his peers. That he is the bravest, the cutest or the strongest anyway.
Set a positive example for your child.
Always try to be honest. Don't lie, speak up positively about those who lead honest lives.
Children watch their parents very closely. Therefore, it is important that they have a positive and authoritative example before their eyes. Remember if there were such situations when someone came, and you did not want to meet guests and just asked your ten-year-old daughter to say: "There are no adults at home"... Or maybe, lingering with friends and a child in a cafe, you "Taught" the son is correct to answer his mother why they returned so late. These little situations showed him how to avoid unpleasant consequences. As a result, the child learned to cheat. What will happen when the transitional age comes?
Never make promises that you are not going to keep.
Oksana, mother of 5-year-old Veronica: “Even before my daughter was 5 years old, she constantly whined in the store:“ Mom, buy a doll, or a house, or a game ”. And I could not find anything better than to answer: "On New Year I will buy it. "My daughter was looking forward to the New Year. And what was her grief when, instead of the five Winx dolls promised to her, she received only one and there were no more houses and games ... Since then, I tell my daughter the truth:" This toy is expensive, I can't buy it for you. "Or" We didn't plan to buy a toy today, let's plan it next week, and no more than 200 rubles. "And we gave everything that was promised, but not presented for the New Year birth ".
If you know that you were wrong in any situation, be honest. Such frankness will definitely be appreciated. Your example will become a life guide even in the most difficult situations. Isn't that what you want your child?
Conclusion
Restrained reaction, kind approach and friendly relations help you wean your child from lying. Calmly explain why being honest is better than being branded as a liar.
Don't punish the child. So you encourage him not to hide his mistakes, honestly admit them and try to fix everything.
Be a positive example for him by always acting honestly. This will encourage the child to become a responsible adult.
Related Videos
To begin with, I will tell you about an unusual experiment: three-year-old babies were asked to sit without turning, while there was something interesting behind them. The experimenter said to everyone: “I’ll go out now for a minute, and then I’ll show you what it is, if you don’t turn around, of course.” With these words, the adult left. Of course, almost all the kids turned around. Later, they did not admit it. What the children showed us in this experiment is normal behavior that is necessary for the child's development.
Until the child is seven years old, he confuses what is really happening and what is pretend. For example, a child begins to enthusiastically tell how he saw a flying elephant. There is nothing wrong with such fantasies. Fantasy differs from lying in that the child does not want to achieve anything, does not try to manipulate you or wishful thinking. And even if in his fantasy a child replaces reality with fiction, for example, he says that it was a hippopotamus that spilled cocoa, it is better not to convict him of lying, but to say: “I think you feel sorry that you spilled cocoa, and would prefer that it made a hippo ”.
But there are other lies that cannot be ignored.
Paul Ekman - an outstanding American psychologist, professor at the University of California, a leading specialist in the psychology of emotions, interpersonal communication, psychology and recognition of lies, believes that a child's lie is the first sign of distrust between him and an adult. This is the result of lack of confidence in their strengths and capabilities. A lie speaks of disbelief that mom and dad will come to the rescue in a difficult situation.
Children never lie just like that. Every lie has a reason. For a child, this is a way to change something in his life. When we try to root out lies as such, we rarely get results. A more rewarding way is to try to figure out why he is lying. I do not promise you that this will cause the child to abruptly stop deceiving, but I assure you that the trust and warmth that arose along with this attempt will sooner or later play a positive role and the child will have fewer reasons to lie.
Unlike babies younger students deliberately deceive. Paul Ekman found out the most common reasons for lying:
- to hide your Skoda and guilt for it;
- to show hostility towards mom and dad;
- to be praised by adults.
Completely different motives for lying among older children:
- lack of attention;
- protection of friends;
- approval of their position;
- protecting your secrets;
- desire to avoid awkwardness;
- striving for self-affirmation;
- fear of humiliation or shame;
- checking your own strength;
- problems in the team;
- building your own boundaries in relations with parents.
According to the school psychologist Anna Antonova, first of all, the parents themselves need to figure out what exactly, from their point of view, lies. And is it a lie at all? For example, secrets are normal. After all, we, adults, have a great many of them, and this is our personal space. Concealing bad ratings is also not a complete fraud. The thought appears in the kid's head: “Does a good student get bad grades? No!" Therefore, even if they do not scold at home for poor grades, the child will try not to upset the parents.
The habitual, almost constant lies between the ages of ten and older is a bad sign and should not be treated with humor and condescension. The first thing to do is figure out why the child is cheating. The most common causes of lying in adolescents are feelings of jealousy and rivalry, fear of rejection, and the need for more attention and approval. Often he sees no other acceptable alternatives to get the attention or help he craves. It sounds counterintuitive, but many teenagers prefer to be punished rather than ignored.
What if the child is lying?
What helps to stop the cycle of lies, dishonest excuses and confusion between fantasy and lies?
- It is necessary to create conditions for the child to trust you, so that he is absolutely sure that you will not hurt his pride and will not make him regret the told secret.
- Eliminate physical punishment;
- Tell your child about the consequences of lying:
- lie gets in the way of love and trust, harms relationships between people;
- lies are often revealed;
- a lie brings relief only for a while;
- if you are deceiving, be prepared for the fact that others can deceive you.
- Give the opportunity to feel independent and responsible for their actions.
But without a personal example, these words will remain words.
If the child is cheating, your main task is not to bring him to clean water. Now it is important to convince him that you can be trusted in a difficult situation, that the house is not a place where something is demanded from him and for something, but a place where he will be helped.
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Hello Tatiana! How can you wean a child to lie ??? I'm tired of lying, my son is 7 years old and 10 months old. - he lies constantly, problems are constantly with it. I ate a candy, said: "I drank water", did something - hid it or blamed it on someone. And also, how to relate to the fact that the child offends the mother. This makes me angry. It started at the age of 5. Thanks. Lyudmila.
Hello, Lyudmila.
When a child cheats, it shocks everyone. loving parentwho dreams that his son or daughter will grow up to be honest and truthful people ...
I think you are no exception.
If you look at the psychology of development of preschool age, then in the period from 1 to 2.5-3 years old children do not know how to lie, because thought processes: analysis and synthesis of information, generalization and inference are available at an older age.
From about 2 years of age, imagination receives a powerful development, children begin to see the cause-and-effect relationships between objects and events. Creativity helps them invent games, create stories and develop them, which naturally leads to inventing everything that surrounds them or what happens to them. Such fantasies are considered the norm.
The problem arises when parents misinterpret the child's motive, misidentify the reason for such behavior without taking into account his psychological state. And they hurry with the stigma: "liar", "liar", "deceiver" ...
I will write about the most common reasons that a child is lying, and you try to analyze which of them was more responsible for your son's behavior.
1. The child lies (in the parental sense), fantasizing, those. embellishing or distorting certain actions / events happening around him or with him, in order to give free rein to his imagination, to be in the fairy world, to feel the owner of special character traits, etc.
These include children's writings and stories about his heroism, about how he visited somewhere, did something outstanding. As a rule, these are preschoolers. Their fantasies should not be regarded as cheating. The child sincerely believes in his fairy tale and is upset when adults do not believe him. For example, a boy can “show” mom and dad how he easily fights invisible opponents (empty hands) and say that he has a magic sword. In addition, in a stressful environment, the invented fairy tale helps the child to relieve stress.
The best tactic would be to play along with the kid, answering his statements: “really? and then what happened?…." and a soft conclusion from the realm of fantasies into reality - so he, closer to the age of 6-7, gradually begins to separate his fairy tale from reality and agree with an adult.
But if parents already at this age begin to resent children's fantasies, roughly pulling back: "Well, don't lie!" - children quickly become isolated and leave communication. In the future, they may consider themselves cheaters, because mom or dad kept repeating this. This is how involuntary programming for the role of a liar is carried out.
2. The child lies in order to avoid some unpleasant event or to defendfrom accusations and shouts. This includes both unconscious lies (up to 5-6 years) and conscious (over 6 years of age). Moreover, in the first version, there is often a substitution or dumping of one's responsibility on another character. As from a cartoon about Masha and a jar of jam - if you remember, the girl did not want to confess to her grandmother who ate the jam and blamed the cat.
In the second version, it is already more difficult. The child understands that by telling a lie, he will delay or avoid an unpleasant event in the form of indignation, shouts of parents or physical punishment belt so that he will experience less anxiety and tension, etc. For him, deception becomes a saving way out, a kind of benefit.
In this case, parents need to reconsider their attitude towards their son or daughter, their own rules and prohibitions, are they not too tough and is the psychological environment in the family comfortable enough? And how do they communicate with him, what is the intonation in the voice: calm, soulful or cold, what is the facial expression ...?
When not everything is going well in the family, mom yells at dad and vice versa, when parents often yell at the child and there is a likelihood of an emotional breakdown - children use lies precisely to get away from the “thunderstorm” in the house, from the unhappy look of mom ...
Parents often tell him this phrase: “Tell me only the truth - and nothing will happen to you! And if you deceive, we will punish! " Unfortunately, with this remark, parents not only do not teach to lie, but also create additional difficulties for themselves. Indeed, on the one hand, if I have done something and tell the truth - I will get nothing for it, can I continue to misbehave? On the other hand, if I lie, they will take a long time to find out whether it was not true or not, and they will forget about the very act.
3. The child lies to stand outin a circle of peers or to get some advantage over others. So it was with a 6-year-old girl who told everyone in the yard what a wonderful dad she had, buys her toys, takes her for a walk and rides a bicycle with her (the girl has no dad).
In this case, the girl's basic needs for encouragement, care, protection and safety are not met. she feels insecure about something. Having told a lie, such a child seems to be implanted in a more prosperous or successful image invented by him, so as not to experience even greater disappointment.
Parents need to think about where their children are struggling and help overcome them. And if this difficulty is not resolved by ordinary means, show the child how he can become successful in another area. For example, after a broken leg, a boy could not compete on an equal footing with his peers at distances, and this greatly depressed him. Therefore, he told everyone that he was not interested in competitions, he did not care about them. But the father, recognizing his son's depression in time, taught him to play volleyball and the boy became a leader in this game.
4. The child is lying, because everyone in the family lies. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. For example, a father asks a son who answered phone call, do not say that he is at home. Or a mother, when communicating with a friend, praises her dress and hairstyle in every possible way, and in her absence she openly laughs at her bad taste. Or the child was promised to go to the circus with him and did not go.
Duplicity in communication, in actions - this is fertile ground for the flourishing of children's deception. In this case, parents need to seriously monitor their conversations, promises, so as not to create situations where cheating is encouraged by the adult himself.
5. The child is lying because there is no trust in the parents or he is offended by them... This is a kind of revenge so that the parents feel "on their own skin" how uncomfortable their son or daughter is and pay attention to them. This can include defiant behavior, demonstration of disobedience, deception in the simplest of obvious things. Up to the transition to personalities: "Mom, you are bad ..." "Dad, you never understand me ...." “You…” - and further on, rude unprintable expressions.
As a rule, such behavior in a child causes anger in the parent and a keen desire to teach him a lesson. But this tactic leads to a split and deep misunderstanding between the child and the parents. In this case, you need to cool down yourself, look at the situation from the outside and track in time what exactly led to such results in behavior. Very often, the roots lie in the relationship. After all, this behavior was not always. When mutual understanding returns, trust begins to grow. When it strengthens, the desire to deceive and lie will lose all meaning.
Overt insults are related to the same problem as lack of trust. Or rather, when there is no parental respect and authority (the child does not see them). This side needs to be considered deeper, starting with the relationship between spouses. Do they support each other's parental authority over the child? Are there any situations when mom ignores dad and vice versa?
6. The child lies for the sake of a catchphrase. Such children have a great need for verbal expression of themselves. They are also called talkers, because the mouth does not close for a minute. These children willingly talk about themselves, compose new stories, love to talk with adults, love to sing. Having revealed such artistic inclinations in your child, it will not be superfluous to think about the development of voice and plasticity of movements: to give to a drama club, to dances, to vocals, etc., where the need for self-expression will be in demand.
And finally, what to look for. The period of crisis at the age of 7 is often accompanied by instability in the emotional and volitional sphere. Plus this is superimposed on completely new image student life. Children are more often capricious, commit rash acts, rebel against old rules and restrictions. This whole cocktail, along with a powerful physiological restructuring of the body, gives uncontrollable behavior. In other words, it is difficult for the child himself and for the parents with him too.
Therefore, be attentive to your son, first look for points of mutual understanding, determine what exactly he needs and learn to cooperate together, negotiate.
Look at your reflection in the mirror while communicating with your son - you may be shocked by your expression :). But children read the lion's share of information about the world of feelings and relationships through the visual channel. Listen to your voice, recorded on a dictaphone, when you say something or demand - how can you be called a warm and disposed interlocutor, worthy of trust? All this can be corrected, corrected and good results obtained.
If you can't figure it out on your own, you can always sign up.
Many parents want to know - why their children lie to them, and why children lie at all, what prompts them to do so? Let's figure it out together. This topic is quite popular, it worries many adults, especially parents, because many parents have children lying very often, and they, of course, do not like it. But this is not unusual, because in reality everyone lies and very often. This is done not only by almost all children, but also by many adults, because for them it is one of the ways to achieve their goals. So this topic is not just popular, but also very important, because it concerns not only children, but our whole life. We must understand such a phenomenon as a lie, and why people, including children, constantly use it in their lives to solve various problems and tasks. We need to know this first of all in order to develop the correct attitude to this phenomenon. After all, if your child is lying to you, it means that he does not see another way to solve some of his problems or get something. And it's very bad. This problem needs to be dealt with, which we will do with you.
First, let's ask ourselves a question - why do people lie at all? Why is lying an integral part of our life? And why do we treat her negatively, why do we think that people should not lie? Interesting questions, you must agree, if you don't ask them, then there is no point in discussing children's lies. You and I cannot separate the lies of a child from the lies that are spread by an adult; this would not only be unfair to children, but also wrong from the point of view of analyzing such a phenomenon as a lie. If everyone is lying, and everyone is lying, then we must study everyone, not just children. So why are you lying? What exactly is your need for this? I am sure you have something to answer these questions, and you have something to justify your lies.
Well, children also have a need for lies and they also have something to justify it. True, they do not always know how to do it correctly, but this is only because they are not yet old enough and do not know how to lie alone, to cover up and justify other lies, as adults do. Children are more vulnerable and helpless than adults, as a result of which they are much more likely than adults to become victims of unjust violence, they are less reckoned with, if not at all, they are often forced to do what they do not want to do. Many adults do not care about the interests and opinions of children, even if it is about their own children, and this is so that we do not talk about humanity and parental love - the norm of life. And how can they, children, do without lying, but this is, perhaps, the only way with which they can somehow protect themselves. And most adults consider lying to be evil, they punish their children for lying, sometimes very cruelly, trying to knock this habit out of them. Force, in such cases, again becomes a means to an end, for an adult who uses it.
What's wrong with lying? From childhood, we are strongly taught that lying is bad, while you yourself see that children know how to do it, they, although bad, can lie, although no one taught them this. What does this mean? And this suggests that people by nature have a need for lies, because lie is both a defense and a means of attack that helps us achieve our goals. A lie has a right to exist, it must be, without it a person is defenseless against many threats, especially against threats that come from stronger people. As a matter of fact, if our children didn’t manage to deceive us adults, we probably would not scold them for lying to us. That is, it turns out that we want to take advantage of the child's weakness, as we please, we want to mold from him whatever we want, not paying attention to his personal interests, his desires, his condition, needs and problems? And we do not want to allow him to somehow defend himself from our attacks, to somehow defend his interests? Isn't it too impudent on our part to count on this? Children should be able to protect themselves from various threats with the help of lies, and thank God, nature has provided them with such an opportunity. And some of us punish our children for lying, not thinking about how our children will live in the future when they grow up, in, as you can see, not the most honest and just world. Why do you need honest children? Why do you need an honest child? What do you want from him, demanding the truth, so that he is stupid with you, so that he is used to telling only the truth, without thinking about the consequences? Can you imagine what this world will do to him then, can you imagine what his life will be like if he is too honest with you? We are dealing with a world built and welded together with the help of violence and lies, of course, nature took this into account, endowing a person with the ability to distort information.
Children lie the same way as adults, they, imagine, also have their own interests, their desires, their fears, their feelings, and when they cannot achieve what they want in an honest way, they lie. In the same way, when children need protection from the attacks of adults or from the attacks of other children, they begin to lie as best they can in order to somehow get out of a difficult situation, perhaps even a dangerous situation for them in which they find themselves. Yes, you understand that lying is the only way a child can protect himself and defend his interests. Adults are stronger than children, smarter than children, and this is their advantage, adults often use in order to impose their will on children, in order to make them someone whom the children themselves do not want to be. You are stronger, the child is weaker, what is left for him, how not to lie to you when he wants one thing, and you another, when he sees that telling you the truth is at least unpromising, and at most dangerous. You do the same; you lie because of profit and you lie because of fear. Moreover, adults can lie and just like that, so to speak, out of habit. Well, it’s true only it seems that sometimes we lie just like that, without much sense, in fact, we lie for the sake of profit, or because of the same fear that we simply do not fully realize. Nothing just happens in this world. You lie when it suits you, or when circumstances force you to lie, when fear forces you to lie in order to get out. Children do the same.
Children lie, dear adults, because they also want a lot and are afraid of a lot, do not think that you are very different from them in your behavior. You are smarter, smarter, physically stronger, more experienced, but you are driven by the same instincts that drive children. And besides, you yourself were once a child who still lives within you. Think of your friends as you were when you were little. Remember the situations when you lied to other people, including adults, and answer the question - why did you lie? You probably wanted something or didn't want something, right? Now, as an adult, of course, you are superior to children in the ability to lie beautifully and / or keep silent about important information, but you and your children have the same needs to lie. It's hard for us to live without lies. Remember how you saw the world around you when you were little - is it kind enough to you, is it fair and honest enough? I am sure not, and now that you have become adults, the world does not seem to you honest, fair and benevolently disposed towards you. And even if you fly in the clouds and wear rose-colored glasses, you are still wary of this world, because life, for sure, has already bitten you more than once. Is it possible to live in this world without lies? Answer this question honestly to yourself. I think that it is very difficult for you to live without the ability to lie, even a little bit, if not impossible. Well, why should children live without lies, why should they be so stupid to do what is contrary to the laws of life and the laws of nature? So they don't. Nature does not allow them to be too honest. Although she does not teach them to lie correctly, but at the level of intuition, she tells them that by distorting the information in a certain way, they can both protect themselves and gain something for themselves.
So, do you still have questions on this topic? Now you understand why children lie? If yes, then let's move on to another question. Namely, to an understanding of what we should do with children who lie to us. What do you think, if you think so well, what should you do with children who lie to everyone, including us adults? Well, if you were able to recognize this lie, then we can conclude that the child lying to you is lying badly, otherwise, you would not be able to convict him of a lie. So what needs to be done with a badly lying child whose lies you can recognize? Probably, you should teach him to lie correctly, so that his lies are more effective, so that it does not let him down and does not harm him, but, on the contrary, helps him and is beneficial. Often children lie unconsciously, without apparent need, but this does not mean that their inner state does not tell them that in this or that situation, to this or that person, it is better to lie than to tell the truth. You could explain to your child when and for what it is necessary to lie, and how in general it should be done, and when lying can be more harm than good. You can also point out to your child the mistakes they make when they lie to you or someone else. No, well, of course, I understand that for this you need to love your child, otherwise, you can take a belt and knock out of it any desire to lie in the future, if you just don't like it. Or you can brainwash him so that he will then constantly blame himself, even for a small lie, to which he was forced to resort instinctively in order to protect himself in a particular situation, or for some benefit. The choice is yours. I cannot force you to love your children, I can only explain to you the pattern of their behavior and the reason for their committing certain actions. And love, you must find it in yourself, as well as reason, in order not to punish your child for lying, but to teach him to lie well, right, so well that no one would guess that he is lying. You look, with the right training, he will become a politician for you, and not just what, but a good politician whom everyone will love, for his beautiful and indestructible lie.
And do not rack your brains over why children lie to their parents, whom they seem to be supposed to trust and therefore do not lie. Parents are different, some parents are so terrible that it would be better if they did not exist at all so that the child would not suffer. Nature took this into account and therefore endowed children with the ability to lie to everyone, including those people who, perhaps, really should not lie. That is why I say that children need to be taught how to lie correctly, in the right situations and the right people. And for this they need to be understood, it is necessary to understand the fears and desires of each particular child. And if a child is lying to you, then he probably does not completely trust you, no matter how good a person you think you are. After all, you too can be wrong about yourself, you can consider yourself to be good, caring, fair parents, doing everything for your children that you think they need. But in reality, with you, let's say, it may not be all right. It happens that people think one thing about themselves, but in reality they are completely different, and your children may have a different opinion of you than you used to think. We adults always want more, no matter what we already have. And children also want more, no matter what we give them and how much we give them. Therefore, do not judge them harshly, if you are good parents, and they still lie to you, do not take it personally. This is all nature, it prepares your children for life. You better, too, help them prepare for life in our world, teach them to lie correctly, in the right situations, to the right people, so that they, your children, see and understand that you understand them. Let them see that you are on their side, that you don’t give a damn about their interests, their lives, or themselves. And then it is quite possible that they will lie to you less, because the more people trust each other, the less often they need to lie to each other. Why lie to a person whose trust is of great importance to you, it is not just ugly, it is unprofitable. Children will not want to lie to those parents, in whose eyes they want to be good, a trusting relationship with whom they value highly, whose attention and love they really need. Do not count on crystal honesty, it is a sign of a person's stupidity, and children cannot afford this stupidity, unless adults disfigure them with their thoughtless upbringing.
This may sound trite, but children are people too, and nothing human is alien to them, including lies. And therefore, you and I should not be engaged in the analysis of exclusively childish inept and sometimes inappropriate lies, even though we do this. After all, a lie should be considered and understood by us as a quality inherent in all people without exception, regardless of who and in what situations uses it and for what specific purposes. Personally, it is difficult for me to imagine a person who would never lie to anyone, and if such and lives in this world, then it is difficult for me to understand him, I will need to study him in order to understand. After all, what happens when we are in time, what is the essence of lies, lies? We provide people with information in a form that is beneficial to us, which completely or partially distorts reality. Or, it is also important to understand, we give out information in the form in which we ourselves understand it, but sometimes we understand something differently, as it actually is, as a result of which we seem to be unconsciously time, we are not realizing it. With children, this often happens, because they still do not know and do not understand much in this life, or they misunderstand something. You should not scold them for this, they are not to blame for this, we all do not know or understand something. Children need to be taught correctly, as far as you yourself are capable of it, to understand the world around them, to correctly understand the essence of things and phenomena.
Some parents, who previously did not notice lies for their children, suddenly discover for themselves that their children are gradually starting to deceive them. And to their question about why children start to lie, I can answer this way - because they are beginning to master this skill. And because you are forcing them to lie with your attitude towards them. Remember how you were afraid as a child to tell your parents something, because you were very afraid that they would punish you. Wasn't it? Surely it was, even if you don't remember it. But if parents, at least tried to understand their children, in those situations when they are really afraid that they will be punished, they would not push their children to the need to lie, at least to their parents. When children are scared, what else is left for them to do, how else can they protect themselves, if not with the help of lies? Perhaps we, adults, feel that our children behave disrespectfully and irresponsibly when they lie to us - their parents. But what about us, are we always and everywhere responsible for our words and deeds, are we ourselves and always respectful of everyone, especially of our own free will? Perhaps not. So why is it that we react so painfully to exactly the same behavior of children, which is characteristic of ourselves? Just because they are children and their lies are more obvious than ours? It may be at times really obvious and naive, but for that reason it is no less justified than ours.
As you can see, there is nothing really difficult in analyzing the behavior of children, it is not necessary to be a psychologist for this, you must have a desire to understand another person, even if he is still very young. And when someone asks a question - why does a child constantly lie, it is appropriate to answer him with a counter question - and you, aren't you constantly lying? You want, you need, you are forced, so the child is forced to lie to you, he also wants a lot, he also needs, he is also a living person, not a toy. As my experience shows, unfortunately, not many parents understand this. In general, we, adults, often do not want to understand each other, unless we are forced to do this, and we do not want to understand children and reckon with them, with their interests and desires. In any case, many of us are unwilling to do this. Perhaps this does not apply to you, I am telling you about how it happens in general, as adults, so that they do not talk about themselves there, they completely ignore their own and especially other people's children. And children, of course, feel this ignorance. But ignorance has long been the highest form of moral violence. And when a child feels that adults are, if not enemies, then definitely not friends, he will use against them the weapon that he can use, that is, a lie.
Become an ally, at least your own own childand then good, maybe even best friend... When he begins to trust you, when he sees that you treat him as an equal and reckon with him, he will have less reason to lie to you. You will see a change in his attitude towards you, be sure. These will not be abrupt, of course, changes, although this sometimes happens, but gradual ones, in which the child will begin to share with you what he previously preferred to hide from you so as not to run into trouble. If this world were not so cruel to the weak, if it were not so unjust, the children would not lie, just as we, adults, would not have had the need for this. But the world is what it is, so it should be, and in order for us to survive in it and at the same time achieve any significant success, we need to lie when necessary, when otherwise it does not work out.
And since we are all forced to lie, someone is more, someone is less, someone is better, and someone is worse, then let's not deprive our children of this opportunity. And so that they lie correctly, without negative consequences, first of all, for themselves, we must teach them this skill. We must teach our children the art of lying if we want to help them. The ability to lie beautifully and effectively is really an art, in this ability our creative skills... Not every adult knows how to lie beautifully. And parallel to this art, we need to teach our children in other ways to achieve the goals they need and protect themselves from all sorts of threats, then they will not need to lie too often, they can do fine without lying.
The task of adults has always been to prepare for life, for better life, growing generation. We must do everything in our power to ensure that our children live better than us, so that they achieve in life more than what we have achieved, so that they are happy and love life. And to knock out of them what nature has laid in them, just because we do not like it, is at least stupid. Children lie not because they are bad, but because nature has endowed them with the ability to survive in this, not the most humane, not the most honest, not the most just and kind world. Someone who, and we, adults, should understand this.
