A group of American scientists led by Larry Nelson found that parental control, regardless of whether it is associated with love and affection for their offspring, seriously harms them. Its consequences are low self-esteem and a tendency to take risky behavior. The results of the study were published in the journal Emerging Adulthood.

Consequences of supercontrol

The researchers recruited 438 students from four different universities. We compared data such as the academic performance of boys and girls, their self-esteem, propensity to take risks, as well as the level of parental control and the amount of warmth they received from their parents in childhood (the latter parameter took into account how much time parents spent with their children and whether they confidential conversations with their children).

It turned out that those who were overprotected by their parents in childhood and adolescence had low self-esteem, and they also more often abused alcohol, drugs and other things that lead to self-destruction.

The most deplorable were those who were "drilled" by their parents, while not showing enough attention and warmth to them.

Discipline instead of love

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At first glance, it seems that increased parental control is a sign of love for children. But in reality, children and adolescents who are overcontrolled often feel lonely and unloved. Adults can follow their every step, for example, demand that they do not stay after school, do their homework on time, observe strict discipline with proper nutrition and physical exercises, were reported in detail for spending pocket money, and so on. Parents usually explain all this by sincere concern for the child, by the fact that they want him to grow up as a normal person ...

When a child grows up and gets out of control, it often goes all out. Allows himself what was previously impossible under any guise: alcohol, drugs, sex "without brakes" ... If parents were forced to eat right, a young man or a girl can get involved in fast food, beer, all kinds of harmful products ... In a word, grown-up children get what were deprived when they depended on their parents. Meanwhile, they often have problems with self-esteem, as many of them in childhood were told that they are bad, stupid, awkward, losers ... And it stuck in my head.

Strangle with overprotection

But even if a child was sincerely loved, this does not mean that he will grow up as a full-fledged person. The fact is that sometimes parents, especially mothers, literally stifle their offspring with their love. They do not allow the maturing child to take a step on their own, solve all problems for him and make any decisions instead - which sections to go to, which university to enter and whom to marry ... Yes, the onset of maturity does not save you from overprotection. Mom closely monitors what an adult son or daughter eats, what she dresses in, whom she meets ... It is worth staying for a couple of hours with friends, when nervous calls to her mobile begin: "Where are you? When will you be?" And everything is in the same spirit.

You can recognize a parent who is prone to overprotection by the way he talks about his children. In relation to even an adult offspring, he likes to use the word "child". He is also characterized by expressions: "We went to college", "We got a job", "We got married."

How will a child grow up who is overprotected out of love? Most likely, he will be dependent and, breaking away from his parents, will begin an unconscious search for a new guardian - a friend or lover who will take responsibility for him. If he still does not manage to tear himself away from his parents, he will consult with them on every occasion. He will certainly have problems making independent decisions.

Although it is possible that the "mama's son" or "papa's daughter" will start to rebel - they will try to leave home and live their own "separate" life. But out of a sense of contradiction, they can break the wood in full ...

“We thought there was something positive about over-parenting, but we didn't find that,” commented study leader Larry Nelson. He and his colleagues believe that adolescents and young people undoubtedly need support and care from their parents, but they should not be "protected" from independence.

Happiness comes to those who know how to listen and hear. If a person is patient and knows how to give in, then he has every chance to live happily. And his happiness grows stronger from the fact that he does things in common with other people.

Happiness is a part of your soul, which is filled with the warmth and love of those whom you value very much. Family happiness is loving parents, a caring spouse, or even close friends. Friends are also a part of life. It's not just that they say about friends: “we are like one whole family”.

"You should be a father at least in order to look at children without envy"
Karl Burne

"A child from the first grade of school should be taught the science of loneliness"
Faina Ranevskaya

"Do not take your child to the museum of antique sculpture, otherwise he will ask you why he has not grown a leaf"
Ramon Serna

“Children are younger than us, they still remember how they were also trees and birds, and therefore are still able to understand them; we are too old, we have too many worries, and our head is full of jurisprudence and bad poetry "
Heinrich Heine

“Never let your child call you by name. He doesn't know you long enough. "
Fran Lebowitz

"You will never succeed in creating wise men if you kill rascals in children."
Jean-Jacques Rousseau

"From five year old child it's only a step before me. There is a terrible distance from the newborn to me "
Lev Tolstoy

“Children start by loving their parents. Then they judge them. And they almost never forgive them "
Oscar Wilde

"A child who is not loved by anyone ceases to be a child: he is just a small defenseless adult"
Gilbert Sesbron

“Until the age of twenty-five, children love their parents; at twenty-five they condemn them; then they forgive them "
Hippolyte Ten

“Parents love their children with a disturbing and indulgent love that spoils them. There is another love, considerate and calm, that makes them honest. And this is the true love of the father "
Denis Diderot

“God keeps fools and children safe,” the proverb says. This is absolutely true. I know this because I tested it on myself "
Mark Twain

"A loving mother, trying to arrange the happiness of her children, often binds them hand and foot with the narrowness of her views, myopia of calculations and the uninvited tenderness of her worries."
Dmitry Pisarev

How to identify oversupply of a child and how to overcome it?

Many people, especially women, feel guilty about paying too much attention to their child. You have to hear over and over again: you protect him too much. Sometimes it even comes to the point that some mothers are called a hen, a hen that covers its chicks in order to protect them from any predators. You should not misjudge this moment, to a certain extent, excessive attention is not harmful, however, there is a moment when excessive attention becomes obviously excessive. So, first of all, how do you determine if you are overprotective of your child, and if so, how can you overcome it?

It is not too difficult to determine if you are protecting your child too much. From your point of view, it does not seem to you that this is unnecessary care, but simply a form of expression of love and care, what you think will be the best in the world for your child. So how can you find out if you are being overly emotional about your child?

In the first months of a baby's life, there are only a few ways you can over-take care of your baby. It is true that you cannot spoil a newborn baby by picking it up and hugging it, but there are things that can be overkill. Parents do not at all distinguish the crying of a child, so many parents think that if a child is crying, then he is hungry. This phenomenon is referred to by many as the hose phenomenon. The baby is constantly getting fluids because we are not sure what we need to do. A child cannot tell us if he is tired, or hot, or that something is bothering him. Other manifestations of excessive care during the first year of life are the fact that parents run up to the crib as soon as they hear the baby squeak, start to rock or feed the baby so that he falls asleep. Of course, the child will fall asleep, but many parents will thus contribute to the development of sleep problems in the future.

As children get older, there is a form of over-parenting called over-guarding. This stage usually occurs when children reach adolescence. Kids need to run, climb and roll to develop their balance and skills for the future. Of course, parents should be concerned about their safety, but accidental falls, bruises and skinned knees are completely normal. Parents should not interfere during this stage of the child's development. Later in the adolescent stage, children practice being adults, making friends, making their own decisions, and taking risks. Parents should simplify this stage by letting their children do their own thing. The more you try to protect children, the more they can resist.

After a few years of upbringing, parents must learn to step back, but there are some parents who are unable to do this, they are too involved in the lives of their children. If the parents continually take steps, if the child does not succeed in school, sports, or family events, in fact, they will act in the opposite way for the child. They will take away from the child the opportunity to face the most important events and important developmental milestones in life. When the child is already thirty, mommy will no longer be able to protect him from failures, and such a small event can ruin the future life of the child, since he has never faced how to overcome failures.

There are really only a few things you need to do to get rid of oversupply. First of all, you need to step back, allow the child to fall, and if this leads to simple scratches and bruises, allow him to continue climbing and running; let the teenager make his own decisions and fail. Children need to learn these important life skills.

Secondly, you need to pay attention to what other parents are doing - what they allow their children to do, how they raise children of the same age. Of course, there are extremes on both sides of upbringing, but there is always a mainstream. Go to the playground with your child, talk to other parents in your child's class about their parenting method. You don't have to follow all of their advice, and like everything else, you need to step back slowly, step by step, and give your children the opportunity to develop.

Content:

Tired of your parents' overly strict requirements? Are you sitting at home, cut off from your friends, because your parents have stricter rules? One of the most difficult things for parents is to trust their children with their independence, because there is no single parenting formula that would suit every child. Therefore, teenagers must earn the trust of their parents and prove to them that they can enjoy their independence within reason. After reading this article, you will learn how to earn the trust of your parents.

Steps

1. 1 Make a list special the privileges you would like to receive from your parents. Part of the reason your parents are reluctant to allow you to do anything that makes them feel the least bit uncomfortable may be the fact that they are afraid that you will take advantage of it and ask for something else. You can dissuade your parents from this by coming to them with a final list that will list an acceptable number of privileges. Leave 5-6 free lines after each request.
   • For example, depending on your age, the list might include the following:
     • Extending curfew to 11pm on Fridays
     • Maximum two nights per month
     • You can take a walk after school, provided you are on time for dinner (18:30)
     • Possibility to rent parents' car for at least one weekend night
   • Don't ask for too much at once, because you run the risk of angering your parents and end up getting nothing. Remember that the process of earning trust is a long-term process. When you show your parents that even a small amount of privileges is enough for you, you can gradually expand your list of freedoms by asking for more (say, at least in a month or two).
2. 2 Under each requirement, write a list of reasons why you deserve it. Come up with statements that fall into the following categories: 1) how you have already demonstrated your responsibility in using privileges, 2) how you will prevent abuse of them, and 3) what consequences their abuse will lead to.
   • For example, if you ask to extend your curfew to 11pm on Fridays, one consequence might be that every minute you are late is deducted from your curfew the following Friday. The reason your parents will be able to trust you in this request is that you will have time to fulfill homework by Sunday noon. That is, even if you go to bed a little later on Fridays, it will not affect your studies in any way.
   • During the conversation, do not base your point of view on the comparison with the parenting of your friends. This is whining, not argumentation. Such comparisons are completely meaningless, because your friends' relationship with their parents has absolutely no effect on your relationship with your parents, and besides, you have no evidence of why one parenting is more effective than another. And earning the trust of parents implies that they must have reason to trust. you.
   • Do not try to blackmail them by calling them "nightmarish parents" or "desputes" - such insults will make your relationship more tense, and you also run the risk of making them very angry. And even if they let you do something, it won't be because they trust you.
3. 3 Plan a serious conversation with your parents. Speak at the right time, at a cozy family dinner, just mention that you thought about increasing your privileges, and that you have several reasons why they could be expanded. Depending on your parent's preference for conversations, you can discuss the matter right away or schedule a time to talk.
4. 4 Start a conversation with an understanding approach. Realize that your parents have legitimate concerns to prevent you from doing more things on your own. Take your list to talk, but don't start bombarding your parents with your demands. Instead, approach the conversation something like this: "Mom, Dad, I understand perfectly why you are afraid to let me go out with friends whenever I want to. Because you cannot know for sure what we are doing, and you will not be there if something happens. But it seems to me that we can find a compromise on this issue; I think I have earned your trust and can get additional freedoms. Because I am growing up and developing - almost # # -years old - a teenager, and I need to express my judgments and make my own choices in certain issues. "
   • At the first reaction of your parents, you will have to decide whether to shelve the conversation, continue with a pleasant introduction, or move on to your list.
5. 5 List the benefits you want and the good reasons for them, and be prepared to compromise. Discuss the items on the list with your parents, and always have examples ready to show that you are good and ready for additional freedoms. Your parents may argue about certain requirements or parts of them, but this will mean that you are moving in the right direction. In the end, you still have to compromise. Your parents may not allow you absolutely everything you ask for, but that's okay. Remember that building trust is a long process, and if you take responsibility for the things they allowed you do, then in the future you can ask for more.
   • Listen to your parents and their warnings. Take them seriously. Your parents care about you and want the best for you, so understand that they won't be able to be with you and therefore want to be sure that you are actually ready for more independence. So listen patiently to your parents' concerns and try to respectfully dissuade them by giving concrete examples of your responsibility, and also inspire them to give you the opportunity to prove it.
6. 6 If your parents are not very responsive to your suggestions, provide other reasons why it is beneficial for you to be more independent for your development. Use a calm and understanding tone when mentioning these reasons, as it can be difficult for your parents to accept them, especially if you are the first child in the family.
   • Remind your parents that sooner or later you will turn 18, that you will be an independent student in college, and that they will not be with you forever, making all the decisions for you. Nursing you all the time will hinder your personal development. Therefore, it is a good idea to practice expressing your own judgments and making decisions while you are under parental care and in a relatively safe environment.
   • Emphasize social development. You need to go out and chat with friends and meet new people. If you don’t know how to get along with others, then your hopes for future promising jobs will be numbered. People are often hired and fired, scolded and praised for things that are subjective and intangible, such as interpersonal relationships. If you can make your interviewee laugh, you will greatly increase your chances of getting a job. If you can occasionally snatch your boss out for lunch, you may soon notice an increase in your productivity.
   • If your parents are using school as an argument to keep you home, then you should remind them that IQ doesn't mean everything. But EQ - emotional intelligence - is very important for future career success, as mentioned above. Too many students blindly strive to get the most points on standardized tests and get the highest marks, instead of personal development and building relationships with classmates - with those people who can recommend you to your first employer.
   • If your parents are afraid that you will make a mistake and thereby jeopardize your future, remind them that mistakes and setbacks are a natural part of growing up. You will of course avoid making the wrong decisions, but in the end, even if you really get into some kind of trouble, then having the ability to correct the situation and not repeat such a mistake again is no less important. Your parents will not be able to protect you from failure your entire life, so you will have to learn a lot from them in order to be able to prevent such things on your own in the future.
7. 7 Behave responsibly. Don't expect your parents to treat you like an adult if you are acting like a child. Clean your room, offer to look after your younger brothers or sisters, do not throw tantrums and so on. Even if you just let them know that you are doing well, when you are away from them, it will already be a good manifestation of responsibility.
8. 8 Realize that sometimes your parents really know better than you do. Especially in situations that are familiar to them, they know exactly what they are talking about. If they are in doubt about your date with someone or walking with a certain group of people, swallow their words and think about them seriously. Your parents are wiser than you.

• Never lie. If your parents find out, it will ruin all your work to gain their trust.
• Try to speak reasonably when you reason.
• Remember that the length and content of any conversation is always very important. It's not a good idea to start a serious conversation when none of you are focused on it.
• Be open. If your parents see that you are being stubborn, then you will seem like a child who cannot accept their point of view.
• Never do behind your parents' backs what they told you not to do.
• The key to any relationship is communication. True, it does not matter if you are uncomfortable talking with your parents. But for everything there is a first time.
• Do not forget that if your parents told you no, it doesn’t mean that they too much protect you. Chances are, you just mean a lot to them.

Warnings

• If at any point the conversation turns into a loud argument, stop. Leave the situation, let it dissolve and maybe you should try again a little later, when you and your parents are in a better mood.
• Do not react hot-tempered if your parents are still too protective of you. This will NOT improve the situation. Be calm and in control no matter what they say.
• If you do get more freedom, don't abuse it. Try not to follow the adage "if you give a finger, it will bite off your entire hand."

The life and health of their children is in the hands of parents. Of course, not everything depends only on the parents, and there are circumstances that also affect the child. But still, it is the family that lays the foundation in the children's destiny. Therefore, many parents involuntarily ask questions: What is the most important thing in upbringing? What can they give their children besides physical care?

Shoshanna Hayman, professor and director of the Newfeld Institute in Israel, has written an insightful post about the most important task for all parents who want to see their children as confident and at the same time empathetic and responsive.

"Daddy of trees": parenting metaphor

It rained incessantly. The strong wind uprooted the trees and carried them away. My husband stared out the window, focusing his full attention on a series of young fruit trees that we had planted this summer. When a powerful gust of wind hit the mango tree, bending its branches, the husband threw on a raincoat, took out a strong rope and went out into bad weather to secure the trees by tying them to the fence.

When he returned, drenched and chilled, I told him half in jest that he was a kind “daddy of trees”. The image of the “daddy of trees” appeared in my mind when I thought about how he was saving small, fragile trees. He planted them with such love in the summer and was imbued with the realization that he must look after them in order to provide them with the most Better conditions for growth, so that they can grow and become large strong trees that will bear good fruit in the future. He should not push and pull tree branches all the time to promote their growth; he should not dictate to them how to grow. He believes that the day will come and the fruits will appear, and that he must only make sure that the trees have all the necessary conditions for healthy growth and they are protected from anything that could harm them.

This is what we, parents, give to our children. We believe in the potential of their development. Deep within them are the seeds that will transform them into truly mature adults. They will develop the flexibility and resilience necessary to withstand the harsh world. They have the ability to be considerate and caring towards others, feeling confident in their own worth. Their own aspirations and goals in life will be shaped over time, along with the courage and resourcefulness required to realize those goals. They can become responsible and self-reliant in order to make their lives meaningful and happy.

When we believe in this, all that remains for us is to safeguard and cherish this development. Just as the “tree dad” realizes the need to look after the trees, keeping them safe and protected, so we must protect and protect our children because of their too much mental vulnerability, until they get on their feet and can not stand on their own. yourself in our world. We do not have to push and pull our children to accelerate their growth. Each child will develop at its own pace, and gradually we will see the results of this development - those vivid human character traits that we want to see in them.

What we must protect and protect is their hearts. Children are the most sensitive and defenseless creatures. In order not only to survive, but also to blossom and unfold, they need soft, not hard hearts. It is necessary that the feelings they experience are conducive to being empathetic, responsive, caring and delicate. Without these emotions, children lose the sensitivity and understanding necessary for the development of the human personality. They cannot become adaptive and able to overcome difficulties. They lose their sense of self and their goals in life, and with this the ability to receive satisfaction from self-realization. They see life in black and white, since they are not able to see the dissonance and ambiguity that color and characterize various events in our life.

Parents must protect the hearts of their children from inflicting spiritual wounds on them so that they retain these vital emotions that will help them grow up and become mature adults. We should be on the same “frequency” with our children, focusing our attention on how the world around them affects them, just as the “tree dad” watched from the window what happens to his young trees in the rain and by the wind.

Of course, what affects our children cannot always be seen with the eyes, such as rain, and therefore we need a subtle discerning intuition (the ability to see with the heart). And here's the secret. Our own hearts should be soft, unhardened. We must rely on our feelings: sensitivity, responsiveness, care and caution, so that with our own hearts we feel what our children need, what we must give them. This is our main task. This is what motivates us to grow and develop with our children.

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