Husband and wife
A young couple decides to get married. Here I will note the following sins against the family.
Civil marriage
The first sin is completely incorrectly called “civil marriage”. Although I don’t understand at all why it is called marriage at all. This is not marriage, this is just prodigal cohabitation. For me, a different idea of marriage is considered normal. There is a church marriage - this is a wedding, there is a legal civil marriage - this is a registration in the registry office, and there is illegal fornication. Let's consider the last version of the union of a man and a woman. From now on I will call it, against my will, a “civil marriage.”
Young people reason like this: “Let’s live a year or two, we’ll take a closer look. If everything goes well, we’ll sign, if not, we’ll go our separate ways.” Crazy! If you never sign your name, you’ll definitely break up! Two years ago, when I started these conversations, I honestly said that I did not know a single case when people signed after a civil marriage. Time is running. I came across two such cases, but they are an exception to the rule. These were couples who came for an interview before the baptism of their child. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that, as a rule, they do not have children in a civil marriage. What kind of children are they if adults can’t figure themselves out? If a couple decides to have children, it means their relationship is already serious, and they are learning to love each other. And the first question that then arises before a man and a woman is whether to register at the registry office in order to make their marriage legal.
We once said that marriage is like a bag into which two sharp stones are thrown and then shaken. As a result, two stones are either trimmed (strong marriage), or two stones, retaining their sharpness, fly out of the bag (divorce). True love will not appear until two stones begin to rub together. What kind of adjustment is possible in a civil marriage? “You and I will live together, but remember that as soon as I don’t like something, we will separate. Look! Suitcases are always at the door, just a moment and I’ll leave.” The “spouses” keep themselves at a sufficient distance; no one wants to rub shoulders. Let us remember that true love is not born in a civil marriage.
One of the definitions of love is as follows (I’ll write it down on the board right away). Love is responsibility. What responsibility? A child breaks a window at school. And who is called to school to admonish? Mother! The child misbehaves, and the mother is responsible. This is love for my son - I am responsible for his every step. The same responsibility is born between husband and wife if they love each other. What is the responsibility in a civil marriage? No! “To sign means to register your husband in the apartment, then if you get divorced, you won’t be able to register.” “Signing means paying alimony later.” People don't want to take on even the slightest responsibility. We will sleep together, and the rest - apart, otherwise we are not responsible for each other.
I was told one, in my opinion, very characteristic story. A young couple has been living in a civil marriage for two years. They rent an apartment in Dmitrov, but don’t have their own shared household (furniture, dishes) yet. They don't think about children yet. An ordinary modern couple. They live in such a way that they can easily run away at any moment. She (I don’t know what to call her: you can’t call her a wife, but a cohabitant is rude) falls ill with some kind of infectious disease, which can have serious complications. She is admitted to the hospital in the infectious diseases department, where she remains for three months. During all three months she tore and threw everything: he never came to her because he was afraid of getting infected.
Treason
No one doubts that betrayal is a clear sin. Therefore, I will just comment a little on this sin. In confession, you often hear about betrayal, but the saddest thing is how a person talks about his betrayal. There is a childish naivety in the words. It is sometimes surprising that an adult can say this. “My wife doesn’t understand me. We have been living like strangers for a long time, just under the same roof. But she (my mistress) understands me, she is a very sensitive person, and I feel so at ease with her.” Or you often hear from a single woman who is dating a married man: “He is so attentive and caring, but their relationship with his wife is strained, she does not understand him, but he is very good. He won’t leave his family, of course, and I don’t want to destroy it.”
In fact, everything is very simple. The fact that they don’t understand him at home is a lie. The fact that someone else understands him more than someone at home is also not true. The fact that he is caring and attentive is self-deception. A person cannot be caring if he cheats! A mistress cannot understand a man more than his own wife! Simply caring for a stranger, meeting him for two or three hours, and not every day, is ten times easier than caring for your wife. Being nice for a short period of time with your lover is easy. To be a caring husband and father, that is, to be ready to show your care 24 hours a day, is already a feat. A person does not want to carry out this feat, but he wants to be loved and pleased. This is how mistresses appear. But they appear only from the inability of the traitor to truly love. The wife may not be at all to blame for her husband’s betrayal; it is not she who does not understand him, but he himself is to blame for not being able to love her. She (the wife) understands this dislike of her husband, but he (the husband) calls it misunderstanding. He needs him to lie on the sofa, and his wife to obey, please and at the same time understand him.
And poor single women listen to confessions about the lack of understanding of traitors in their families, naively believe them and try to at least a little quench their thirst for understanding and attention. Although women’s intuition tells them that they need to break up, they don’t have the strength. But it is imperative and urgent to break up. Because this man will never be able to give them love, but he can exhaust their soul, reassure them and disappoint them - that’s as much as you want.
Readiness for divorce
As a rare exception, divorces have happened before. The Church in some cases allows divorce as a lesser evil compared to a greater one. For example, the husband is completely drunk, behaves violently, and in order to avoid greater evil (what if he injures a child in a drunken fit, etc.), it is better to get a divorce.
But nevertheless, divorce is a sin. The ease with which divorce is now treated sometimes reduces marriage to simple cohabitation. “Well, you don’t like living with me, so let’s get a divorce.” The easier divorces are in society, the weaker the marriages. If the spouses are internally ready for divorce, then we can say that their marriage is already half destroyed.
Almost everything that was said about civil marriage can be attributed to spouses who registered their marriage in the registry office, but at the same time consider divorce to be the most common thing. They, just like in a civil marriage, do not want to get used to each other and be responsible for each other, because you can always get a divorce and run away.
Everything that was said about infidelity can also be considered divorce. A person, having not found “understanding” with his loved ones, thinks that others will understand him. But misunderstanding on the part of loved ones is a reverse reaction to his own inability to love. A person gets divorced, tries to create a new family, but everything repeats itself in it, because the person was never able to get rid of his egoism.
A significant part of divorces occurs 2-3 years after marriage, and an equally large part occurs at 40-45 years. In both cases, divorces are associated with a restructuring in the relationship between a man and a woman, which inevitably occurs. After all, a family is a living organism, it grows and changes. Newlyweds have their own temptations. After marriage, they become close people and get to know each other as husband and wife, as father and mother. We have already discussed this. At the age of 40-45, another restructuring of all relationships between husband and wife occurs. Children grow up, they fly away from their native nest, and if they remain, they are still independent and do not require the care that was needed before. Husband and wife return to each other again. From father and mother, they again become husband and wife. Here begins another transitional age in a person’s life. During this period, physical intimacy plays a lesser role in relationships, and the mental and spiritual sides come to the fore. And then the spouses realize that on these sides they are weakly connected. And during this period, what happened between the spouses when they were newlyweds, when they turned from bride and groom into husband and wife, should partly be repeated. Again work, again grinding, again getting to know each other. Hence the new wave of divorces. If you don’t get divorced, if you resist, then everything will be fine until your death.
Divorces at the age of forty are evidence that the spouses lived together simply out of habit. We got used to it, got used to each other during the first 2-3 years of marriage, and that’s it! Their love was in its infancy and remains so. Let me remind you that love is cultivated thanks to the feat of self-sacrifice that a person constantly carries out in the family. There is a feat - love will grow. There is no feat - there remains only one habit of each other. Unfortunately, now most more or less prosperous families live this way - out of habit.
Parents often turn to the Temperance School, which operates at the Holy Trinity Alexander Nevsky Lavra, with the question: what to do with children who have become drug addicts or alcoholics, how to help them? Let’s say right away: helping children begins with the transformation of parents, since the cause of children’s suffering very often lies in parental sins.
Man is a kind of spiritual vessel. This comparison appears quite often in the Word of God. Here are just some examples: "...I am like a broken vessel" (Ps. 30:13); “Is this man, Jehoiachin, a despicable, rejected creature? Or is he an obscene vessel?” (Jer. 22, 28); “...I have crushed Moab like an obscene vessel, says the Lord...” (Jer. 48, 38); “But the Lord said to him (Ananias about the Apostle Paul - author’s note): go, for he is My chosen vessel...” (Acts 9:15); “In the same way, husbands, treat your wives wisely, as with the weakest vessel...” (1 Pet. 3, 7); “For this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you should abstain from fornication; that each of you should know how to keep his own vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust...” (1 Thess. 4, 3-4); “Therefore, whoever is clean from this will be a vessel of honor, sanctified and useful to the Master, fit for every good work. Flee youthful lusts...” (2 Tim. 2, 21-22).
In typical cases, a husband and wife can be likened to two communicating vessels. As is known, in communicating vessels the level of liquid filling them is the same. So it is in the family: the spiritual level of protection by Divine grace turns out to be the same for both spouses. Moreover, any change in this level in one of the vessel spouses invariably has a corresponding effect on the other. When one of the spouses, sinning, is to some extent deprived of God’s grace for his sin, this instantly affects the other, since the overall level of the family’s grace-filled energy drops. And if there are children, then this affects them too.
Using life examples, we often observe the action of one of the most important laws of God regulating human life. This law, let's call it the LAW OF PARENTAL SIN, explains the reason, incomprehensible to many, why children suffer for the sins of their parents.
An experienced confessor of our time, known to us under the pseudonym of Abbot N, formulated it this way:
“The sin of even one of the parents (especially mortal) necessarily reduces the common potential of uncreated Divine energy (grace) for the whole family, which has the greatest impact on children, as the weakest members of the single body of the family, depriving them and all other members of the family of grace. Divine protection from the negative effects of demonic forces".
Sociologists have long known that children from dysfunctional (or only apparently prosperous) families become drug addicts and alcoholics. In the destinies of different people, we also traced a certain pattern that explains why children grow up to be drug addicts or alcoholics. The fact is that the following dysfunctional factors in the family have a particularly negative impact on children:
1. Fornication of one or both spouses.
2. Single-parent family (usually “fatherless”).
3. Mother's abortions.
4. Participation of a father or grandfather in the destruction of temples and executions of people; the oath of the ancestors.
5.Smoking or alcoholism of family members.
6. Lack of parental love for children, parents’ refusal to raise children.
7. Second (or even third) marriage to father or mother.
8. Selfishness and greed of parents.
9. One or both spouses are "interested" in the occult or something similar.
10. Constant conflicts in the family.
Fornication of parents, as well as divorces and abortions inevitably associated with it, most severely inflicts spiritual and mental defeats on children. The Orthodox Church, as you know, considers prodigal sin so serious that it calls it mortal. Abbot N indicates: “It turns out that fornication has the same spiritual and energetic consequences as legal marriage, but only with a negative sign, since it is illegal and, like any illegal action that violates God’s commandment, has as its inevitable consequence the deprivation of grace for those who sin. The Apostle Paul writes: “. ..whoever has sex with a harlot becomes one body with her, for it is said: “the two will become one flesh” (1 Cor. 6:16).”
The Orthodox traditions of the Russian people were based on an exceptionally reverent and serious attitude towards the family. A responsible attitude towards creating a family began when choosing a spouse. The reputations of the bride and groom and their chastity were considered very important. Our ancestors knew that if a bride had extramarital affairs before marriage, good offspring could no longer be expected from her.
The strict laws that were adopted in our society not only protected from sin, but through them they showed concern for the future generation. Our pious ancestors firmly knew that it is THROUGH CHILDREN that the Lord punishes the sins of parents up to the third and fourth generation and that children born as a result of premarital or extramarital affairs can grow up mentally and physically handicapped, become alcoholics, criminals, suicides, perverts and simply unhappy people in their family life.
The sin of fornication, which is mortal, leaves the mark of curse on the children of unrepentant sinners. And the more the fornicator sins, the more, like a vessel, he collects spiritual, mental and genetic dirt.
Now let's move on to talking about the impact of alcoholism on heredity and family health. This issue has now been studied quite well.
Alcoholism is a powerful pathological factor that, based on the principle of communicating vessels, affects all family members. “The husband’s drunkenness affects the wife’s health especially clearly. In families of alcoholics, there are practically no healthy women, even young ones. They usually have signs of mental exhaustion: irritability, tearfulness. At the beginning of work, weakness quickly sets in. Sleep and appetite are disturbed. Complaints of poor sleep are common. , frequent anxious awakenings in the morning - fatigue, lack of feeling of rest.Appetite disorder often looks like an excessive increase and the use of food as a way to calm down.
The mood is constantly low, and the level of anxiety is constantly maintained, even during those periods when the husband does not drink. Women said that every time they experience a feeling of fear at the sound of the door opening: in what state - sober or drunk - did their husband return home. Some people sometimes experience attacks of anger, pickiness (a series of scandals sets in at home and at work) or deep depression, depression, with a reluctance to do anything (“give up,” “nothing is nice”), lasting for days and weeks.”
“High morbidity among adult family members of an alcoholic manifests itself in various disorders: these are disorders of bodily functions caused by mental tension, stress, and disruption of the nervous regulation of the body’s activities.
The main affected systems are cardiovascular, respiratory, digestive and skin. Pain in the heart area and heart rhythm disturbances may occur. Fluctuations in blood pressure, dizziness, and headaches occur. Fluctuations in vascular tone associated with a disorder of the nervous regulation of the lumen of blood vessels form into a persistent painful condition called vegetative-vascular dystonia. The older the age, the greater the risk of accelerated development of the sclerotic process. Therefore, wives and mothers of alcoholics, even in middle age, often have angina pectoris, hypertension, attacks...
The respiratory system under psychologically traumatic circumstances manifests its disorder in the form of asthma or attacks of neurotic suffocation. Due to the unexpectedness and incomprehensibility of a new disease, feelings of fear arise...
Digestive disorders are represented by gastritis, enteritis, colitis, as well as peptic ulcers of the stomach and intestines. Since the general mental background in such cases is characterized by melancholy and anxiety, the patient often begins to assume that she has cancer. Another long-term, deeply traumatic factor arises.
The least psychotraumatic disorder among the psychosomatic diseases that occur in the wives and mothers of drunkards is skin diseases. Sometimes these are temporary rashes. Local redness, peeling, itching, sometimes long-lasting neurodermatitis, eczema...
The particularly rapid effect of psychotraumatic factors affects the endocrine system (thyroid gland, ovaries, pancreas and a number of others), since stress acts directly on the endocrine system.”
Particularly severe consequences of alcohol abuse by one or both parents affect the offspring being born. “In the early stages after birth, such children are noticeably lagging behind their peers both physically and mentally. They have a delay in fixing their gaze and holding their heads. These children begin to grasp objects late, although they retain a grasping reflex for a long time. They do not sit down for a long period , do not stand, do not walk, but move on all fours until 3-5 years.
The mental development of such children is not only slow, but also limited. By the age of schooling, it becomes clear that their mental development is at the level of imbecility and even idiocy...
The incidence of urinary system diseases is increased..., the kidneys of children of alcoholics are subject to special stress...
Such children have a weak immune system and immune reactions are often disproportionate - hence high allergy, chronic tonsillitis with complications in the form of rheumatism, early rheumatic carditis; the incidence of bronchial asthma was noted. This is explained not only by high allergic readiness, but also by a psychosomatic reaction. Asthmatic attacks are also common in children in conflict families who do not abuse alcohol.
By indirect signs one can judge the weakness of the endocrine system: short stature, insufficient body weight, delayed puberty. A more severe degree of endocrine insufficiency in children of an alcoholic can manifest itself as pathology of the thymus gland, early diabetes...
Until their teenage years, these children are generally not troublesome. But the period of puberty (puberty) more often appears as a crisis, an acute condition. Immaturity of the psyche is manifested by disordered behavior, egocentrism, irresponsibility, and the inability to predict one’s actions and their consequences. Characterized by a lack of concern for the future and a lack of desire to acquire a specialty. They limit themselves to dreams, change their intentions, by independence they mean lack of control, and easily begin to abuse intoxicants... In the future, constant emotional imbalance and intolerance to great physical and mental stress are not uncommon.”
The results of studies in Sweden showed that the chances of becoming alcoholics for sons of alcoholic fathers are 9 times higher than for the sons of non-drinking parents. Inheriting alcoholism from mother to daughter gave a 3-fold probability. Clinical studies L.O. Badalyan and E.M. Mastyukova indicate that children of drunkards and alcoholics suffer from alcoholism 4-5 times more often than children of parents who do not drink alcohol.
Thus, for people genetically predisposed to alcoholism, it is important to correctly assess the risk of developing this passion. If there is a family history of alcoholism, then complete abstinence from alcohol would be a prudent decision.
Among the unfavorable factors that negatively affect children, at the beginning of the chapter we pointed out the participation of a father or grandfather in the destruction of temples, executions of people, as well as the perjury of ancestors. Many people do not understand the connection between these factors and alcoholism. Let us explain this using two real stories from modern life.
FAMILY CURSE
This summer, an unfamiliar woman of about forty-five came to my parish. She was very excited; a healthy sparkle in her eyes, sharp, often involuntary movements betrayed the extreme degree of her nervous tension.
Father,” she began, “you must help me.” I read your books, and it seemed to me that you could understand me, pray for me and advise me on how to live further
What happened to you? - I asked.
“Not with me,” the woman answered, “but with my grandfather, and through him and with our entire family.”
Having calmed down a little, she began her story.
My grandfather was born near Ryazan, long before the revolution. In the troubled times of 1917, he became a Bolshevik, and then an employee of the Cheka. He was part of the so-called “troikas”, mobile courts that included three people. Two Red Army soldiers traveled with their father through the villages and hamlets of our Motherland and carried out bloody reprisals, often against innocent Russian peasants. My grandfather sentenced many to death, deportation and exile. His name became scary among his fellow villagers.
And somehow, having all gathered together, they cursed him and his entire family with the whole world.
In 1937, my grandfather was shot by his own NKVD cronies. Got cleaned up. His children all died in the war, and only my mother survived. Not long ago, my brother died tragically, and my mother died from a painful disease - stomach cancer.
I tried to save my mother. But she probably did not act as she should, not in God’s way. I took up yoga, became a psychic, treated my mother with a biofield - all in vain. Death slowly but inexorably squeezed the thin stream of life in her body.
Shortly before the death of his mother, a new guru, yogi, the so-called “Professor” Vostokov arrived in St. Petersburg. I rushed to him, became his student, provided him with housing, helped him establish himself in the city and in the academic world with my connections and money.
He couldn't help his mother. She died... My acquaintances, medical scientists, having conducted a systematic examination of the capabilities and “superpowers” of guru Vostokov, came to the conclusion that he was simply a charlatan.
After this conclusion, my friend, a doctor, with whom he lived in an empty apartment, asked the yogi to vacate the room. Vostokov became terribly angry, immediately cursed my friend and cursed me badly.
After this incident, I decided to break all ties with the guru. Vostokov threatened me with all sorts of misfortunes and predicted imminent death if I left him.
And indeed, a week after the quarrel with the “teacher,” I was hit by a car, received a serious traumatic brain injury, and became a second group disabled person.
Vostokov did not lag behind me. At times I felt his invisible presence. Some evil force was constantly oppressing me. From other people who were previously close to the guru, I learned that he is an energy vampire, feeds on the strength and energy of the people around him and, having “sucked” them out and used them to the end, mercilessly throws them away like old, unnecessary clothes. Using his magical, satanic power, Vostokov binds students to himself, making it difficult for them to leave the chosen disastrous path.
Now I started going to church. I pray, confess, take communion - it has become much easier. But I still very often feel uneasy, I’m afraid for my children, for my grandchildren. What to do? How to live further?
Ancestral curse. The curse of the people - how scary it is. But executioners and lawless people do not think about the terrible consequences of their sins. Not only for yourself, but also for your children up to the third generation...
Not to mention the Last Judgment and eternal eternity...
What will it be like for them?
Before finishing this story, we would like to dwell on one more story, the story of a false oath and its consequences for human destiny.
FALSE OATH
Once at a cemetery a woman of about sixty came up to me and asked me to serve a memorial service at the grave of her son. There were two teenagers with her. On the way we got to talking, and she told me about her difficult fate. The son was 29 years old when he died. His children were now walking next to her. He died of a heart attack, his heart could not stand it. Her other son, who was 21 years old, was thrown out of a train by bandits while serving in the army, and he died.
Her father was killed in the war at the age of 26, his brother died after the war at the age of 29.
Why,” she asked, “does the entire male half of our family die before the age of 30?” I am very afraid for my grandchildren.
“This is not an accident,” I noted, “there is some kind of curse here.”
Yes,” one of the teenagers walking with us suddenly exclaimed, “grandmother said our great-grandfather is to blame!”
Then the woman said that her grandfather, even before the revolution, swore an oath in court on the Cross and the Gospel, and gave a false oath. She did not remember what exactly he lied about, calling God as a witness, but, apparently, about something very important.
Soon the grandfather died. All his male descendants began to die after him, not reaching the age of 30, that is, the age at which his grandfather took a false oath.
You see how scary it is to break an oath given to God.
This is the law of spiritual life, nothing goes in vain. You have to pay for everything. All subsequent humanity had to pay for Adam's sin. For the spiritual sin of the father, his children also bear the punishment, for they are flesh of his flesh, bone of his bone.
But this can also be stopped. Beg, change. For, as the Holy Scripture says: curse is to the third generation of the sinner, and blessing is to the seventh generation of the righteous.
We hope, dear readers, that none of you will blame your parents for all the failures in your own life, imagining yourself as a “victim of parental sin”? Shifting responsibility to parents is useless and unproductive. All the unfavorable factors in the lives of your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers only prepare the ground for the favorable development of passions. Whether you get rid of your destructive passion or not depends not on your ancestors, but more on you than on anyone else. With humility, ask the Lord to deliver you from hereditary sinfulness, because, as Elder Paisius the Svyatogorets said, “even if there really was something hereditary in a person, nothing can stand before the Grace of God.”
We told you about the law of “parental sin” so that you realize your innate genetic potential, understand what you need to be careful of and what to avoid. So, for example, if your ancestors suffered from alcoholism, then the likelihood that you too can become an alcohol dependent person is extremely high. Understanding this, you should completely stop drinking alcohol. Many physical and mental hereditary diseases and ways to prevent them are now known. You just need to clearly and calmly analyze the structural components of your personality, draw the right conclusions and heal yourself with the help of the Grace of God.
Lessons from the Vologda case. Digest of articles. - M.: Christian literature, 2000. P. 51-52.
Right there. P. 52.
Tabolin V.A. and others. Lectures on the influence of alcohol on the human body. Alcohol and offspring. - M.: Higher School, 1988. P. 21-22.
Right there. pp. 22-24.
Right there. pp. 43-47.
A. Spickard, B. Thompson. Passion for alcohol. M.: Belprint, 1998. P. 13.
L.O. Badalyan, E.M. Mastryukov. Modern problems of alcoholic embryo- and fetopathy // Journal of neuropathology and psychiatry. 1986. T. 86. N10. pp. 1448-1454.
Priest Rodion. People and demons. M.: Orthodox Brotherhood of the Holy Apostle John the Theologian, 1999. pp. 101-104.
Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets. Words. Volume 3. "Spiritual struggle." - M.: Publishing house "Holy Mountain", 2003. P. 48.
Priest Alexy Moroz, candidate of pedagogical sciences,
member of the Writers' Union of Russia, teacher at the Temperance School;
Vladimir Anatolyevich Tsygankov, head of the Temperance School
in the Holy Trinity Alexander Nevsky Lavra,
Academician of the Russian Academy
Help in confession for parents (Sins against children)
Every father or mother assumes a number of responsibilities towards their children. We accept a gift from God, and we must adequately raise and educate him, still a small person.
Even if we think in exclusively selfish categories, then in this case, raising children is vital, otherwise who can a person hope for in old age, who will support us when we no longer have the strength to walk, who will pray for us after our death?
Giving birth and raising children... no, this is wrong... giving birth and raising people is also one of the most important goals of family life. So what is stopping us on this path?
Sins before the conception of a child: in general, the sins of parents can in one way or another affect children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren, just remember the quote: “For I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the iniquity of the fathers to the third and fourth generation those who hate Me, and show mercy to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments. (Ex. 20:5-6).” Knowing this is an excellent reason not to sin if we say that we love our descendants and live for them. The most dangerous here are sins that have the power of passion, with which a person cannot or does not want to fight, especially: gluttony, prodigal sins, love of money, anger, sadness, despondency, vanity, pride. Of course, punishment concerns unrepentant and unconfessed sins.
Separately, it is worth highlighting abortion and artificial insemination. We talked about this briefly in the previous issue. Here we only note the fact that all this can affect children: poor health, nervous disorders, alienation from parents often have at their root precisely abortion or the murder of brothers or sisters (as, for example, in the IVF method). Even thoughts about abortion affect children - the child in the womb begins to subconsciously feel fear of his parents.
Neglect of your health by a father or, especially, a mother can also lead to the fact that the life of your unborn child will become a rather difficult test for you and him. Here it is necessary to separately note, as the most severe, alcoholism (including drunkenness), drug addiction, and smoking.
It happens that parents do not abstain from marital relations during fasting; this can also cause complications during childbirth or illness of the child. In the old days, this opinion was almost an axiom.
A common situation in our time is when a man and a woman live in a so-called “civil marriage”, and after pregnancy they think about starting a family. Of course, thank God, if they think about it, many people run away after that. And having already created a family, having given birth to a child, after some time they are thinking about getting married.
It is as if a person who wanted to build a house first bought bricks, concrete and furniture for the house, then built the walls, then laid the foundation under them, and only after that then asked the designer to design the house. It is not difficult to guess that such a house is unlikely to be very good.
In the sacrament of wedding, the priest invokes God's blessing on the family being created, just as God blessed many spouses (I recall the Old and New Testament models of marriage). The husband and wife undertake before God to bear together what falls to their lot, a “small Church” is created, two people are united inseparably, in the image of the union of Christ and the Church. And what is very important, what is asked is “the fruit of the womb, good children, like-mindedness of souls and bodies.”
Of course, the realities of modern life bring people to God at different ages, and often people who have already started a family and even people with grandchildren want to get married in the Church. This is good. But the main meaning of a wedding is God’s blessing on the marriage being created.
Sins after conception and birth: a child becomes human immediately after conception, he immediately acquires an immortal soul. Often immediately inherits the sins of previous generations.
What can ruin the life of a future family member?
Firstly, marital relations. As soon as parents find out that a child is conceived, they should end the physical marital relationship. This is logical - the child begins to feel the mother’s state of mind within 1-2 months (and most likely, he feels it immediately, but this can only be recorded after 1-2 months). How will the child experience sexual intercourse? Most likely confused. How can we know whether these impressions will affect later life (in the form of nervous problems or, conversely, in the form of excessive sensuality)?
Secondly, the child feels well the state of mind of the parents. Quarrels, swearing between spouses, anger, condemnation, etc. They destroy the small cozy world of a child who should be immersed in love. It seems that lack of initiative, laziness, fear of the new and other apathetic manifestations of a child and then an adult can be directly related to what he has learned about the world in the womb. The thoughts or words of the mother (or father) about the uselessness of the child, that he does not belong here, etc. are especially poorly reflected.
Mothers need to confess and partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ more often.
Thirdly, neglect of the mother's health. A mother needs to be free from bad habits, be able to take care of herself and her child, and be in a peaceful state. This, of course, is the task of both spouses.
Then, as the child grows up, more complex situations begin:
Wrong life of spouses (family relationships, attitude towards other people, infidelity, etc.). Personal sins destroy the inner world of parents and have a detrimental effect on children.
Attitude towards your parents. If children do not respect and love their parents, they, having become such themselves, will reap the consequences in the younger generation. If we do not respect and love our elderly parents, do not take care of them, in case of death we do not pray and do not visit their graves, then how can we demand this from our children?
The attitude towards prayer and worship also leaves a mark on children's souls. It is better to come to church with your children more often, take communion yourself and give communion to your children. A child understands Divine mysteries better than an adult. Spiritual life is a huge layer of human life, and parents act very unwisely by depriving their children of communication with God in the Church.
Jesus said: Let the little children come and do not hinder them from coming to Me, for to such is the Kingdom of Heaven. (Matt. 19:14)
Parents should not allow their child to deceive, since the child senses this very well and begins to copy the behavior of the parents. It is better to always be honest and direct. It often happens that one of the parents makes a promise to the child and then forgets or deliberately does not fulfill it. In such a situation, it is unfair to demand from the child honesty and fulfillment of his promises.
Some parents are very fond of moralizing and, with their hypertrophied care, harm the child and themselves.
Moral teaching has a particularly negative impact on teenagers, because they are so often filled with a feeling of contradiction, youthful maximalism, and excessive self-confidence.
The main problem is that when “moralizing,” parents often start with accusations, making the child (or already a teenager, but in any case a conscious person) feel guilty. A natural reaction is rejection, an attempt to leave, withdraw, or, conversely, go into active defense - respond rudely, etc.
With their moralizing, parents often achieve the opposite result. So is it worth going this route? Especially if we ourselves were not ideal as children.
It happens that parents allow their children to be punished, but at the same time they themselves are angry and irritated. This greatly undermines the authority of the parent's word. If punishment is allowed, then it should not be an outburst of one’s emotions on the child. The child must understand why he is being punished and be aware of the guilt for this, and the parent must determine what needs to be punished for, and what it is enough to simply say that this cannot be done.
As the child grows, it is necessary to gradually move from the level of patronizing communication and direct control over it to the level of independence and personal responsibility. Some parents still tend to see helpless children in their adult children, and this often leads to conflicts.
It happens that in relationships with children, parents take extreme positions: either excessive care (excessive fear of injury, illness, protecting the child from all life’s troubles), or insufficient attention (lack of interest in the child’s friends, hobbies, problems). As always, it is better to choose a middle ground.
Parents' worries about their children can turn into a constant fear of “what if something happens,” and often nothing happens. This comes from the fact that we are too accustomed to rely on ourselves and forget about God, in whose hands everything is, and who provides for every person.
We must remember that we are all different, and our children are not our copy or an attempt to realize our unrealized aspirations. Our children are independent thinking beings living in a slightly different world. Therefore, it is important to put in them the most important thing - the eternal. But what is temporary, it will pass.
And it is important for us to realize that both father and mother are in many ways role models for their children. And we need to do everything in our power to make this example worthy.
One day, a peasant approached Elder Ambrose, in whose arms a demon-possessed boy was struggling, and asked the Elder to heal the child. “Did you take someone else’s?” – the elder asked sternly. “I took it, I sinned, father,” answered the peasant. “This is your punishment,” said the elder and walked away from the unfortunate father, leaving him without help.
The suffering of innocent children is explained in this way by St. Nifont, ep. Cyprus: “Many who live in the world do not repent of their sins and do not care for their souls. For this reason, the Lord punishes both the children and the parents themselves with various misfortunes, in order to cleanse the parents’ iniquities with the illness of the children and arouse the parents themselves to repentance and thereby justify them at His Last Judgment. Infants without sin suffer so that for their vain death they may receive incorruptible life, and their parents may be rewarded for their suffering with the chastity of true repentance.”
Don't sin against your child
“Reuben answered them and said, “Did I not tell you, ‘Do not sin against the boy’? but you did not listen; behold, his blood is required.” (Gen.42:22)
“Did I not say to you, Do not sin against the boy?” Reuben asked this question to his brothers when they stood before the stern ruler of Egypt, unrecognized by Joseph.
“It is as if we are being punished for sin against our brother; we saw the suffering of his soul when he begged us, but we did not listen; That’s why this grief has befallen us” (Gen. 42:21), the brothers understood.
If we commit a sin after being warned, the voice of conscience will condemn us more strongly, reminding us of the many councils and admonitions that we neglected at the time. The one who knows what a child needs and yet sins against him will be incomparably more guilty in the eyes of God than the one who did it unconsciously.
Reuben’s request concerns all adults: “Do not sin against the boy!” I would say this to every parent, every brother and sister, every teacher, both with and without a family. Don’t sin against your own children, or against strangers, or against any child like those “nobody’s” children who wander the streets. If you sin against adults, do not sin against a child!
It is bad to lead adults into sin, but it is even more bad and extremely disgusting to sow the evil seed of vice in hearts that are not stained by gross sin. Don't commit spiritual infanticide! In the name of God and in the name of common humanity, I ask you: do not take on the role of Herod by morally killing the innocent.
Looking at the story of Joseph, we can identify three types of sin against a child. The first is the proposal of the envious brothers: “Let us kill him and see what happens from his dreams.” There is a spiritual and moral murder of boys and girls, and here even the Reuben, that is, people who are not what they should be, even they protest: “Sin not against the boy.” Do not teach him to lie, to dishonesty, to drunkenness, to vices. Not one of us wants to do this, and yet many do it with their bad examples.
Children are often killed by their own parents. Many do everything in their power to raise their children to be an infection for society and a scourge for the country. When I see juvenile delinquents, I involuntarily ask myself: who was their killer? And a sad answer suggests itself: basically, these are victims of the sin of their parents. The most dangerous beasts of prey will not destroy their young, but sin makes a person capable of destroying the soul of his own child.
The second type of sin against a child is in Reuben’s suggestion: “Throw him into the pit that is in the wilderness, and do not lay hands on him.” For some reason, many people think that the child should be left to his own devices and not touched until he grows up, and then try to save him from death. “Don’t kill him,” they seem to say, “but leave him alone for now. Killing him is a cruel crime, it’s another thing to leave him in the desert until a more convenient time, and then we will come and save him.”
Some Christians are completely oblivious to children and act as if they don't exist. Whether they go to Sunday school or read the Word of God, they are not interested in that. These good people are not at all concerned about raising their children in the teaching and admonition of the Lord. I would tell them: do not sin against the boy with such negligence!
There is a widespread opinion that children do not need to be brought to God; they can be converted only later, when they grow up. To think so is to sin against the child. No passage of Holy Scripture justifies this slowness and negligence. The prophet Jeremiah complains: “And the monsters suckle and feed their young, but the daughter of my people has become cruel like the ostriches in the desert” (Lam. 4:3). Let this accusation not affect any of us! Why should your child remain in the ditch of his natural depravity? Put your whole heart into it and now ask the Lord to pull him out of the terrible ditch.
The third type of sin against a child is the sale of Joseph to the Ishmaelites. A caravan of Ishmael merchants passed by, and the brothers willingly gave Joseph up for a reward. I think many of us tend to do the same.
If we love the Bible, we will not submit our children to the power of those who will enslave their minds with harmful teachings. Those who care more about their worldly interests than about their souls also sell their children.
I'm sure you wouldn't want to literally sell your children, but selling their soul is just as terrible! Don't sin against your child. Don't sell it to the Ishmaelites. Think deeply before committing this heinous crime!
Sometimes the sin against a child lies in neglecting him. "He's so weird!" - say parents and educators, justifying their severity. You've probably heard about the swan that was hatched in a duck's nest. Neither the drake, nor the duck, nor the ducklings could make anything out of this ugly baby, and yet he was actually more beautiful than them all. Joseph was such a swan in Jacob's nest. His brothers and even his father did not understand him: “Will it be that I and your mother and your brothers will come to bow to the ground before you!” - said Jacob (Gen. 37:10).
I imagine that Joseph was not so easy to live with. When his brothers did wrong, he brought it to his father's attention. They probably called him a sneak, a traitor, although in fact he was a sweet, affectionate child. His dreams were also somehow strange and annoying. The brothers called him a dreamer and, perhaps, considered him some kind of abnormal. Joseph was his father's favorite, and this made him more unbearable in the eyes of the other children.
History repeats itself. Perhaps your child's peculiarities come from the superiority of his nature and from abilities that have not yet found useful use. In any case, do not sin against a child just because he is strange. Of course, do not show partiality towards him, do not make him colorful clothes, because in this case his brothers will have some reason for envy. But, on the other hand, do not scold him without reason, do not break his spirit.
I know people who, when meeting “little Joseph,” sinned against him with reckless flattery. The boy was smart beyond his years and spoke interestingly. They put the baby on the table so that everyone could see him, showered him with praise and affection, forcing him to repeat what he said over and over again. In this way, they developed conceit in the child, made him annoying and overly bold.
Usually children who are exposed soon become spoiled. “Look what an amazing boy my Vanya is! He knows this and that,” the parents exclaim. Yes, I see how amazingly unreasonable his mother is, how careless his father is, exposing his child to such danger. Do not sin against a child by sowing seeds of pride in him, which will quickly sprout and bear bad fruit.
Don't go to the other extreme either. Many good desires were frozen by contemptuous ridicule and many beautiful impulses died before they ripened. Beware of suppressing the enthusiasm of youth for good! May the Lord protect you and me, so that we do not extinguish the spark of grace in the soul of a child and not destroy the bud that can blossom into a wonderful flower. We will watch our words and actions towards children.
Don't sin against a child by simply telling him Bible stories and not pointing him to the Savior, because you are giving him a stone instead of bread. Do not sin against a child by pursuing any other goal than his turning to God through Christ the Savior.
Parents, do not sin against your child by constantly being annoyed with him. Do not find fault with every little thing and do not reproach the child with them, saying: “If you were a believer, you would not have done this.” You Christians, heads of families, often do and say wrong things, and if your Heavenly Father were sometimes as severe with you as you are with your children when you are out of spirit, then I am afraid that you would have a very bad time
Be meek, kind, gentle and loving. At the same time, do not sin against your child by spoiling him too much. In some families the little boy becomes the master. He controls his mother, and the mother controls his father, and thus the child rules the whole house. This is very unwise, unnatural and extremely dangerous for the child. Do not water your cuttings with vinegar or syrup.
Do not sin against your child and do not stop praying for him until his heart is given to the Lord. May the Holy Spirit give you wisdom on how to deal with these young immortal souls.
Charles Spurgeon
