Emotional intellect. Sergey Shabanov - Emotional intelligence. Russian practice

Emotional intellect. Russian practice Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

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Title: Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice

About Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice” Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

Many people believe that emotions have no place in business. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then it can become great. Who is right?

Emotional competence skills help people enjoy life more and manage themselves and the behavior of others more effectively. In this book, the authors offer the reader their own approach to emotions and emotional competence.

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Quotes from the book "Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice” Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

“How our word will respond…” About the influence of logic and words on the emotional state of the interlocutor.

What is the correct way to say "thank you"?
In our trainings, we often say that one of the easiest ways to manage your emotions and the emotions of other people is to say "thank you". However, even this seemingly simple thing we do not know how to do correctly. "Thanks to everybody, you're free!" - we say in jest or get off with common phrases. It is not very comfortable to say such gratitude and to accept it.

Firstly, it is worth adding to the question the so-called “depreciation” (or “fluff”), that is, if possible, verbally soften the question with the help of a certain introductory phrase, for example: “Listen, can I ask you about emotions? What do you feel now? or “Excuse me, please, I’ll ask you a question now, maybe it will seem unusual to you on my part ...”, etc. Of course, you should choose a wording that will be organic for your style of speech, while the main thing is to keep the key idea, that is, to make the statement as soft as possible.
Secondly, you can use all kinds of subjunctive moods, modalities, assumptions, unobtrusive assumptions (“it seems”, “maybe”, “probably”, “sometimes”, “in some cases”, etc.) in the statement.
Thirdly, for most assumptions there is a rule: "The emotion called is lower in intensity than the one you are guessing." That is, if a person is experiencing "fear", we assume that he is now "a little worried"; if “anger” - we say that this is only “some irritation”; if "euphoria" - "greatly delighted."
So, from the phrase: “Are you mad now, or what?” - we get:
“May I suggest that you may be a little annoyed by this situation?”
Why are all these “mitigations” so important? Any interpretation addressed to oneself causes a protest and a certain rejection in a person.

People do not know how to be aware of their emotions, and it is difficult for them to correctly answer the question about feelings and emotions.
Such a question itself, due to its unusualness, causes emotions of anxiety and irritation, which reduces the truth of the answer.

The emotional state of another affects our own emotional state. This means that we can understand another through awareness of changes in our emotional state - as if we ourselves can feel the same as he feels - this is called empathy.
The emotional state of the other is manifested at the level of the "organism", that is, through non-verbal signals - we can consciously observe the non-verbal level of communication.

Thus, it can be formulated that there are different types of intelligence depending on what kind of information a person operates on: linguistic (or verbal) intelligence operates on information contained in words; logical-mathematical (IQ) - with numbers, kinesthetic - with interaction in space and bodily sensations, etc. Then emotional intelligence is a person's ability to operate with emotional information, that is, the one that we receive (or transmit) with the help of emotions.

You actually came in jeans.
What do you have against jeans? I suppose he didn’t come in a suit either!
And rushed ... But you could just agree: "Yes, I'm in jeans." Moreover, this is an obvious fact. And there would be nothing more to say to the other side. Topic is over.
Since none of us is perfect, from the point of view of logic, we can answer almost any criticism with some kind of partial agreement:
- You're unprofessional.
- Yes, my professionalism can be improved.
- You have little experience in this area.
- Yes, there are people who work in this area more than me.
- You're not sure of yourself.
- Yes, I do not feel confident in all situations.
We suggest learning to start any answer with the word “yes”. Then, even in a conflict situation, you will be able to maintain a more benevolent background of interaction.
You can find something to agree with even in the most ridiculous claims and insults. In these cases, we agree not with the statement itself, but with the fact that such an opinion exists in the world. This is a kind of indirect consent.
All women are stupid.
Yes, there are people who think so.
- You're a complete idiot.
Yes, you might get that impression.
What is the nuance of this approach? It's important to find something you can sincerely agree with.
For example, the phrase "Well, you're an idiot" can be answered with: "Yes, I'm an idiot", "Yes, sometimes I do stupid things" or "Yes, you could get that impression." None of these statements are true. If I have just done a terrible stupidity, I can agree that I am an idiot. If, on the contrary, I am sincerely proud of what I have done, and do not want to agree even partially, then I can say: “Yes, you have the right to think so.” In all other cases it will be more appropriate to use some kind of partial agreement.
And the last aspect of technology. In some books on sales, you can find the "Yes, but ..." trick. Like, first agree with the buyer, and then present him with your counterargument.

Dissatisfaction arises in response to all "gross" assumptions, not just about emotions. Therefore, any direct questions related to some deep processes in a person, with his values ​​and worldview, may require depreciation. This is especially important when explaining the true goals or motives, for example, in a situation of manipulation.
Most often in the literature, communication technologies, whether sales techniques, coaching questions, or behavioral interviews, are described at the level of logic. Use the following speech formulation, it is verified by the authors and is the most correct. You read - it seems to be true. Apply in life - something is wrong. Because there is not enough depreciation.
Any technique \u003d essence (core technology) + "depreciation"
Moreover, the essence is the logical level of technology application, and depreciation is the emotional one. It is enough to understand the essence once, and depreciation (“fluff”) should be selected in each case, depending on a number of factors: the gender and age of the interlocutors, relationships, status, subordination, cultural characteristics, and much more. Cushioning allows you to add sincerity when using technique, and the phrase, constructed in this way, looks more natural. The use of depreciation allows you to avoid straining, “technicality” when using any method, which often raises the question: “Did they teach you this at the training?”
So, add "fluff". We soften. We prepare the interlocutor for difficult questions. It might look like this, for example:
- We preface the question with a message that we will now ask a question:
“You know, now I’m going to ask you a question…”, “If I ask you this…”, “When I listened to you talk about it, I had such a question…”.

Chapter first. Nothing personal, just business?

Are emotions necessary in business?

Two different epigraphs illustrate two opposite approaches to emotions in business: many managers and businessmen believe that emotions have no place in business, and when they do appear, they certainly harm. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then can it become great and invincible.

Who is right? Do businesses need emotions, and even if so, in what form? Does the concept of emotional intelligence mean that now the leader must begin to show all his emotions? And become as slightly "crazy" as the authors of "Funky Business"?

We constantly come across these and similar questions at conferences, forums, program presentations and during the trainings themselves. Although “emotional intelligence” is a fairly new concept, it has already gained great popularity and has managed to acquire a significant number of myths.

As in many other cases, the truth lies somewhere in the middle between the two approaches outlined in the epigraphs. As we will see later, emotional intelligence and emotionality, the manifestation of our emotions, are not the same thing at all. Emotional intelligence helps us use our emotionality wisely. It is impossible to completely exclude emotions from the life of the company and people management. Similarly, it is impossible to exclude the "dry" calculation. As Peter Senge puts it in his book The Fifth Discipline, “People who have achieved a lot on the path of cultivation ... cannot choose between intuition and rationality, or between head and heart, just as we cannot choose to walk on one leg. or see with one eye.

There are several reasons why emotional management ideas have become increasingly popular in the last few decades. To understand current trends, consider briefly the history of emotion management in organizations.

In medieval Europe, despite the various norms and conventions already in place, emotions dominated "business." Any agreement or deal could be destroyed under the influence of momentary impulses. Fraud and murder lay in wait everywhere. Communication, including business, was accompanied by various insults, and often a fight. Moreover, such behavior was considered quite normal.

Over time, the degree of interdependence in entrepreneurship began to increase, and long-term and mutually beneficial relationships became necessary for business success, which can very easily be ruined by completely inappropriately waving fists. And the business communities of those times forced people to gradually learn to restrain their emotions. For example, we came across a mention that in the charter of one of the guilds of bakers in the 14th century one could find the following clause: "Anyone who begins to use swear words and pour beer on a neighbor will be immediately expelled from the Guild."

Subsequently, with the advent of manufactories, it became necessary to control the manifestation of emotions by employees at work even more tightly. Unrestrained aggression could lead to fights and violent explanations among the workers, which greatly slowed down the production process. Factory management was forced to introduce tough disciplinary measures and pay special attention to monitoring their implementation. Perhaps it was then that a strong conviction began to emerge that “emotions have no place at work.” In addition, already at that time, entrepreneurs began to look for a model of the ideal organization. The first such model was Taylor's theory* (in fact, the first theory of management): his ideal was an enterprise functioning like a machine, where each employee is a cog in the system. Naturally, in such a system there is no place for emotions.

Subsequently, communications in hierarchical organizations became more organized and structured, which made it possible to work more smoothly and achieve better results. In the twentieth century, the expression of emotions at work became almost unacceptable: the principle of "emotions interfere with work" finally won. A good employee leaves his emotions outside the organization, within which he is restrained and calm. Now it has become normal to hide your emotions and "save face", despite any inner feelings. The long and difficult path of gradual displacement of emotions from business communication was almost completed. It seemed, at last, that one could breathe a sigh of relief... However, let's recall the trends in the corporate world over the past few years:

• The pace of change in the world is constantly increasing.
• Instead of product competition, service competition comes to the fore, and the concept of “relationship economy” appears.
• The organizational structure is changing: companies are becoming more flexible, less hierarchical, more decentralized. In this regard, the number of horizontal communications is increasing.
• The idea of ​​an ideal employee has changed: instead of a “cog” in the system, now it is “a person with initiative, able to make decisions and take responsibility for them.”
• The values ​​of owners and managers are beginning to change: they attach more and more importance to self-realization, the fulfillment of the company's mission, and they want to have enough free time to communicate with family and hobbies.
• Among the values ​​of society and many companies, the social responsibility of business and concern for personnel is becoming really significant.
• Among companies, competition for the best employees has increased and continues to grow, the concept of “war for talents” has appeared.
• For many talented workers, the importance of material motivation is declining. The need to enjoy all or most aspects of work began to dominate the scale of motivating values*. In this regard, the corporate culture of the company, non-material motivation, the manager's management style, the possibility of freedom of action and positive emotions at work become significant competitive advantages of the company as an employer. And at many global HR conferences, they seriously discuss how to make an employee happy, because numerous studies have proven that “happy people work better.”
• In the HR environment, in recent years, the term “engagement” has become very popular, that is, such a rational and emotional state of an employee in which he wants to maximize his abilities and resources to achieve the goals of the organization.
• The crisis of 2008-2010 forced us to seriously reconsider our attitude to the emotional factors of motivation of both employers and employees. “Companies started counting money. And if earlier it was possible to acquire the necessary employees simply by paying more than the market, now even those companies that are considered leaders cannot always afford to offer salaries significantly higher than in similar positions in other companies. In addition, against the backdrop of the crisis, the people's system of values ​​has “shaken up” a little, and there is no longer an orientation towards money, towards “earning faster, faster, faster” and buying, for example, an apartment. People found themselves in a situation where they need to work more, and there are fewer opportunities for earning money and vacancies. Basic values ​​began to come to the fore: family, home, enjoyment of life, enjoyment of work” (Yulia Sakharova, director of HeadHunter St. Petersburg, from a speech at the First Russian Conference on Emotional Intelligence in 2011).

If you carefully delve into all these trends, it becomes clear that they all affect the emotional sphere of life, so a successful company and a successful leader just need to learn how to use emotions to achieve corporate goals and teach their employees to do the same. Here you can draw a parallel with sports and recall the statement of the coach of the Russian national football team in 2006-2010, Guus Hiddink, in an interview: “To play with one of the best teams in Europe, you have to be very intellectual. The slightest mistake will be punished. But playing without emotions is pointless, because it will harm the performance as a whole. If you manage to combine passion and the absence of mistakes, then you will get a great match.” In the same way, if you combine emotions and intelligence in managing a company, you can achieve great results!

To the question: “How does your boss influence the emotional climate in the team?” - only 8% of subordinates answer that the leader "always influences positively, infects with drive, energy." 22% of employees report a negative or “rather negative” influence from their boss, which is almost a quarter of those surveyed! Finally, less than 3% of respondents characterize their leader as “wonderful” (in the answers, there are also such epithets as “windbag”, “critic and know-it-all”, “on the verge of paranoia”, “energy vampire” ... etc.). The last figure makes you think that almost all managers have room to improve in the field of emotional management of their employees and the company, and this does not at all mean a return to the chaos and disorder of the Middle Ages. Emotional management, that is, management that takes into account emotions in the work of an organization, is a complex and complex process that requires serious planning and fairly deep changes in the company, and possibly the formation of a new corporate culture.

It is important to understand that such a process requires changes in the leader himself: changing some stereotypes, developing new skills and abilities. And you need to be ready for this. As one of the participants in our presentations noted, “I understand that if I go to study with you, I will seriously change. I need to think if I'm ready for this now." Ask yourself, are you ready to change? And… try to think now: what emotions does the need for change cause in a person? We will return to this issue in the chapter on awareness of our emotions.

« emotional intelligence t "- something similar to an oxymoron, a combination of incongruous. One of the participants in the forum dedicated to EQ, expressed himself very figuratively about this: “A person who could even offer such a phrase as “emotional intelligence” had balls for rollers and did not return back.”

Indeed, traditionally “emotions” and “intelligence”, “mind” are usually opposed. “In business, it is important to be dry and logical”, “Your emotions interfere with us.” Or, on the other hand, "Be guided by the heart, it does not make mistakes."

Let's explore our relationship to these two areas.

Most likely, if you look at your associations, then the words associated with "mind" have a more positive connotation. Relatively speaking, "to be smart, rational, reasonable" is good. And “being emotional” is not very good. And in general, it's about women.

Intelligence- it's about control, logic, planning and sequence. Emotions are spontaneity, uncontrollability and unpredictability.

How do you manage to combine them into one whole called "emotional intelligence"? Let's approach this paradox from the point of view of logic.

Let's start with the concept of intelligence. “Mind” is often associated precisely with intelligence, and primarily with cognitive intelligence, that is, a person’s ability to operate with information consisting of certain symbols, mainly numbers and letters, and based on this information to build logical chains and draw conclusions (it’s not for nothing that this kind intelligence in some classifications is also called logical-mathematical).

However, many studies prove that cognitive intelligence alone is not enough to achieve success. This idea is also illustrated by the well-known saying: “If you are so smart, then why are you so poor?”

Each of us is familiar with this phenomenon from our own experience: remember your classmates or classmates. It is not at all necessary that the one who solved the problems best of all is now a successful person, and vice versa, a former three-year-old may well turn out to be a wonderful head of some department or his own business and be happily married.

And in the world community, when it comes to the importance of IQ, they often recall the “paradox of the Mensa club.” Founded in 1946 in the UK, this club requires applicants to prove that their result on the Stanford-Binet test - or some other reputable test for the height of intelligence - falls into the 2% of the best results (the document confirming this must be certified by a notary!). The Mens Paradox is that members of the club, who are perfect at solving puzzles, in their daily lives are far from always satisfied with their earnings or have a prestigious profession. The Mensa website states that among the members of the club “... there are millionaires, and there are unemployed people living on welfare. Members of the Mensa club are professors, truck drivers, scientists, firefighters, computer programmers, farmers, artists, military, musicians, laborers, policemen, glassblowers."

So, it is logically clear that cognitive intelligence alone is not enough to achieve success. That is why at one time the famous scientist Howard Gardner introduced the theory of multiple intelligences, which included, in addition to logical and mathematical, also linguistic, bodily-kinesthetic and other types of intelligences. What is meant? If we understand by intelligence the ability of a person to process certain information, then different types of intelligence will be associated with the processing of different information. Not without reason, Wikipedia defines “intelligence” as “the general ability to know, understand, and solve problems.” Thus, it can be formulated that there are different types of intelligence depending on what kind of information a person operates on: linguistic (or verbal) intelligence operates on information contained in words; logical-mathematical (IQ) - with numbers, kinesthetic - with interaction in space and bodily sensations, etc. Then emotional intelligence is a person's ability to operate with emotional information, that is, the one that we receive (or transmit) with the help of emotions.

Let's think about why in this case it is legitimate to talk about intelligence?

Emotions carry information

Since emotions, as a rule, were opposed to reason, they were often perceived as something unreasonable, meaningless and illogical and therefore not carrying any information in themselves. Logicians would certainly find a logical fallacy here. Everything that exists in this world is information; another thing is whether we can "read" it and use it or not.

The emergence and change of emotions has logical patterns

Emotions come and go. They develop in time and are transmitted in space (from one person to another). They rise and fall. They have their own causes and consequences. Often this process seems to us spontaneous, chaotic and uncontrollable, but it occurs according to certain laws. Knowing the laws of the emotional world, it is possible to predict and predict the emergence and change of various emotions in oneself and in other people. Of course, this is not as accurate as the fact that 2 + 2 = 4, and at the same time much more clear and obvious than we are used to thinking about it.

Emotions influence our thinking and are involved in the decision-making process.

It is generally accepted that we, homo sapiens, make decisions, guided only by logic. It is also common to believe that emotions get in the way of making the “right” decisions. Related to this idea of ​​the role of emotions in decision-making are the following phrases that we often use in our speech: "Let's not be guided by emotions", "We do not need emotions, there will be a pragmatic approach", "We should treat this from a position of common sense and without emotion. Their critics often say about not the best decisions: “She was guided by emotions”, “It was an emotional choice”, etc.

At the same time, according to recent neurophysiological studies, it is generally impossible to make any decisions without emotions. The famous neurophysiologist Antonio Damasio even wrote a book about it called Descartes' Fallacy. The title of the book comes from Descartes' famous phrase: "I think, therefore I am." From the point of view of modern science, the more correct option is: "I feel, therefore I exist."

Damasio studied people with damage to the emotional parts of the brain. One of his patients, Elliot, suffered a brain injury and retained the ability to think logically, his score on IQ tests remained virtually unchanged. At the same time, Elliot lost the ability to make any, even minor decisions. Because the final impulse in favor of this or that choice comes from the parts of the brain responsible for emotions. Damasio describes how Elliot agonized over whether to set up an appointment on Wednesday morning or Thursday afternoon. He had in his head a huge list of advantages and disadvantages of each solution and could not stop at one thing.

However, as far as our personal life is concerned, here preference in decision-making was usually given to emotions. “Be guided by the heart” is the key recommendation for a successful personal life. However, we are talking about work and business here, right? The most amazing thing is that in business, essentially the same thing happens. In 2002, psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize in Economics (!) for proving the fact that irrational factors, including emotions, influence economic decision making.

This does not mean that only emotions influence decision making. Intelligence is still needed to calculate the consequences of choosing each of the alternatives. However, taking into account the emotional factor allows you to make a more reasonable choice - paradoxical as it may seem!

Emotional Intelligence in Practice - Emotional Competence

So, now that we have seen that the phrase "emotional intelligence" still has the right to exist, and even received some general definition, let's look at what is included in this concept.

So far, scientists have not been able to come to a consensus on what “emotional intelligence” is. At the moment, there are several basic models of emotional intelligence (D. Goulman, R. Bar-On, P. Salovey and J. Mayer, etc.). Some people find it necessary to include personal qualities (such as optimism) or certain skills from the category of so-called soft skills, such as conflict management, in their EQ model. And although both of them have a certain relation to emotional intelligence, in our understanding, we should first of all talk about the abilities associated specifically with the emotional sphere of a person. And since we are practitioners, we prefer to use the term "emotional competence" as a set of specific skills related to the emotional sphere.

The emotional competence model of the EQuator training company consists of four skills:

• the ability to be aware of one's emotions;
• the ability to recognize the emotions of others;
• the ability to manage your emotions;
• the ability to manage the emotions of others.

When we bring this model to various trainings and presentations, leaders often say: great, let's start with the last skill! It is understandable why many people are primarily interested in the skill of managing the emotions of others: it contains the most opportunities for leadership and more effective interaction with others. At the same time, it is important to understand that this model is hierarchical - in other words, each next skill can be developed, already having the previous one in your arsenal. In order to manage the emotions of others, you first need to manage your own emotions. And in order to manage your emotions, you must first realize them. For, as Publius Syrus * said back in the 1st century BC, “it is possible to control only what we are aware of. What we are not aware of controls us.”

Have we ever been taught to be systematically aware of our emotions?

Even if parents or teachers sometimes drew the attention of children to this, it is very difficult to call this process systematic.

And what have we basically been taught to do with our emotions? Remember. What words were spoken?

...“Hide”, “suppress”, “control” - we hear most often from the participants in the group. This is the only way to manage our emotions that many of us have almost perfection. At the same time, it is one of the most imperfect ways of managing. Why?

First, this method is not selective. By suppressing our emotions, we suppress them all. It is impossible every day to suppress your anxieties and irritations and continue to be able to rejoice.

Secondly, let's think about how we suppress our emotions? With what tool?

By force of will! - almost without hesitation, the participants answer.

How? - we ask (slightly sarcastically).

Members are lost. The next idea that usually comes up is "Brain." At this point, one of the trainers usually invites the participant to hold some object with the “brain” or “mind power”. Other ideas in the group, as a rule, do not arise.

How do I hold the marker? we finally ask. - That's right, hand! What is my hand attached to?

We use the same tool when we need to "hold" emotions.

This is our body.

Remember, when we hold back anger, hands clench into fists, jaws also clench (no wonder there is an expression “grinding your teeth”). Compression occurs at the internal level: even our blood vessels are compressed (hence the large number of cardiovascular diseases in leaders, who, perhaps, more often than others have to restrain their emotions). And at the end of a hard day there is a headache. So suppressing emotions is bad for our health.

Thirdly, suppressed emotions do not go anywhere. As soon as the opportunity arises to throw out these emotions, they break out. Unfortunately, this opportunity appears most often at home, next to our loved ones. Remember from Vysotsky: “Here you get so full of somersaults in a day, you come home, you sit there!” Often it is the loved ones who get all the irritation that we have accumulated during the day. So the suppression of emotions harms not only ourselves, but also our loved ones.

Fourth, the suppression of emotions. impairs memory. Verbal information is especially lost. There is even a version that it is for this reason that men can remember and reproduce dialogues worse (because men suppress emotions more).

Skeptical participant of the training: Well, do you propose to throw out all the emotions?

Yes, sometimes some participants make such a conclusion. And here it is worth paying special attention to the following: the skill of restraining our emotions remains necessary in many cases. It is important to understand that it is not the only one, there are other ways to manage emotions that allow us to maintain health and relationships with loved ones (which is what this book was written for) . But in order to develop these skills, you first need to be aware of what we will manage, since "containment" very often happens unconsciously with us, we are accustomed from childhood to suppress emotions and do it automatically. The ability to be aware of your emotions will need to be learned first.

Emotional competence begins with awareness of one's own emotions. A person experiences an emotion at any given time. Meanwhile, it is very difficult to understand what I feel now - no one has ever helped us develop this ability. More often we say what we think, and we cannot name a specific emotion, let alone determine the source of its occurrence. Especially when it comes to fleeting, weak emotions. It looks something like this:

What emotion are you experiencing?

Well, I think I misunderstood something.

What do you think, what do you feel?

Some confusion, misunderstanding.

These are all mental processes. And what do you feel?

Yes, in general, this is such a trifle, there is nothing to worry about here.

Well, I guess I'm a little upset.

A person with a high level of emotional competence is able to clearly understand what emotion he is experiencing at one time or another, to distinguish degrees of intensity of emotions, to represent the source of emotion, to notice changes in his state, and also to predict how this emotion can affect his behavior.

The second group of emotional competence skills is related to understanding the emotions of another person. An emotionally competent person is able to determine what the interlocutor’s emotional state is at the moment, to suggest the reasons for the appearance of emotions in that person, their changes and the possible consequences of their influence on his behavior. He is also able to predict what emotions his own words or actions might evoke in an interaction partner.

An emotionally competent person can manage his emotions: not to control them, not to suppress, but to manage them. As our alumnus, CEO of Futures Telecom Ivan Kalenichenko, put it on this occasion, “managing emotions requires not strength, but dexterity.” At the moment when a person understands what emotion he is experiencing and why, he chooses a way to manage emotions - depending on the situation. Such a person can often control the emergence of emotions: get angry or “turn on” joy if it is required, for example, for an inspirational speech. Moreover, he is able to manage emotions in the longer term: for example, be able to maintain a more positive attitude even in difficult situations.

And finally, developed emotional competence allows you to manage the emotions of other people. Such a person knows how to support and help another to cope with unpleasant emotions, for example, to calm an angry interlocutor. At the same time, this is a person who understands what and how to say in order to inspire people to take some action, or knows how to do it. This is a person who, as they say, "people follow." It is important to understand that managing the emotions of others can also be manipulative. However, such methods are not emotionally competent (we will talk about this in more detail in the chapter on managing the emotions of other people).

Myths about emotional competence

Emotional competence = emotionality

In 2009, in an article by a specialist from one of the Russian business schools, we came across the following quote: “[in a crisis] ... excessive emotional competence appears: a person begins to impose his emotions or personal problems on others, not correlating them with the goals of the group.”

Let's think about it: can competence be superfluous? With the same success it can be expressed that, for example, Andrei Arshavin, playing for Arsenal, once showed excessive football competence: he scored as many as four goals in one match for the opposing team!

If competence cannot be superfluous, then what did the author of this statement mean? Apparently, the point is one of the most common myths about emotional competence and about emotions: emotional competence (emotional intelligence), in fact, is the same as emotionality.

Who is an emotional person in the traditional sense? The one who shows all his emotions, as a rule, in a fairly high degree of intensity: shouting or laughing loudly, banging his fist on the table, etc.

Emotional competence is related to the awareness and management of emotions. None of the authors of models of emotional intelligence calls to show and splash out all their emotions. However, as soon as an adult smart person hears the word "emotional." pictures of an “emotional” person and extreme manifestations of emotions are drawn in his head, and he no longer perceives the word “competence” or “intelligence”. While the key word in the combination "emotional competence" is competence. The basis of EQ is the ability to choose the actions that best suit the situation.

A person with a high EQ is always calm and in a good mood.

It is widely believed that an emotionally competent person is always calm or always in a good mood, and also strives to ensure that everyone around him feels just as good and calm. A sort of darling and an American-style positive person with a smile from ear to ear. This is fundamentally wrong. An emotionally competent person may well lose his temper and raise his voice to the interlocutor. The difference between him and an emotionally incompetent person is that the former uses his emotional repertoire consciously, choosing the way of interaction that will be most effective at the moment.

That is why we often talk in training about how it is impossible to feel “normal”. Normal for what? Normal how? If I'm walking alone down an unlit street late at night, it's normal to feel a little uneasy and look around. If I'm going on a date, it's normal to feel joyful and a little excited. And if I'm going to give someone a dressing down, then it's normal for me to be a little annoyed.

A person with a high level of EQ chooses the most appropriate way to influence depending on the situation, and this spectrum includes the use of completely different emotional states.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than cognitive intelligence (IQ)

Daniel Goleman's book that made emotional intelligence popular was Emotional Intelligence: Why It Might Be More Important Than IQ. Perhaps at that time Goleman really thought so, or perhaps the title was chosen with the expectation that the book would sell better. In later writings, in particular, for example, in the book "Emotional Leadership", he expressed himself more carefully, noting that cognitive intelligence is still significant. But it was too late. Popularizers of the idea of ​​emotional intelligence picked up this idea and began to argue that IQ is not important at all - they say, in the modern world it is much more important to be emotional. Meanwhile, just as IQ alone is not a reliable measure of success, so EQ alone is not. In our experience, the development of EQ requires a sufficiently high level of cognitive intelligence. Thus, in our opinion, it is more appropriate to speak of a combination of cognitive and emotional intelligence as a kind of “general mind” of a person.

How to measure emotional competence?

So far, there are no universally recognized tests for measuring emotional intelligence in Russia, similar, for example, to tests for measuring IQ. The MSCEIT, one of the recognized American EQ tests, is now undergoing adaptation in the RAS. In Russia, their own tests are also being developed (for example, EmIn by D.V. Lyusin), but they are still at the research stage. Various tests that you can find on the Internet or in magazines are not scientifically reliable (and if you have a sufficient IQ level, you can easily get a good result ©).

We suggest assessing emotional competence through skill-specific self-assessment. You will find a list of skills in a particular area of ​​emotional competence at the beginning of each chapter. Rate each of these skills for yourself on a 10-point scale. You can also ask people close to you to express their opinion on how much you own this or that skill, then the picture will become more objective than simple self-assessment. Although this method is not a test, you will get a fairly objective picture of what skills you already have and what you need to develop.

Is it possible to develop emotional competence?

This is what our book is about. Emotional competence, like other skills, develops and develops. At the same time, like other skills, it is not developed in one day. You can't go to one seminar or training to get your EQ skills. And even if you read this book from cover to cover, it will not be enough either. There is only one way to develop any skill - patiently and systematically. develop it in a safe environment: in trainings, training programs and in real conditions. In order to help you develop emotional competence skills, we provide tasks in the book for you to complete on your own. You may find some of them boring. Or you will be lazy. But remember, there is only one way to develop emotional competence, and that is to develop it diligently and patiently.

Many people believe that emotions have no place in business. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then it can become great. Who is right? Emotional competence skills help people manage themselves and the behavior of others more effectively. The authors offer their own approach to emotions and emotional competence.

This is not my first time addressing the topic of emotional intelligence. See also Daniel Goleman. Emotional Leadership, Manfred Kets de Vries. Mystery of leadership. Developing Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman. Emotional intelligence in business.

Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina. Emotional intellect. Russian practice. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014. - 448 p.

Are you familiar with the phrases: you are too emotional about this; emotions interfere with work; emotions interfere with thinking and acting adequately; business is a serious matter, and there is no room for worries in it? People who, at the cost of colossal efforts, were able to achieve that they always keep themselves in control and do not show any emotions, consider this their advantage and a huge achievement. Meanwhile, by saying these and similar phrases and thinking in this way, we deprive ourselves and our colleagues of one of the most unique resources in business - our own emotions, and the business itself - a significant potential for development.

Chapter first. Nothing personal, just business?

The only way to create profit is to attract emotional, not rational employees and customers, this is an appeal to their feelings and fantasies.

Are emotions necessary in business? It is impossible to completely exclude emotions from the life of the company and people management. Similarly, it is impossible to exclude the "dry" calculation. As Peter Senge puts it in his book The Fifth Discipline, "People who have achieved a lot on the path of cultivation ... cannot choose between intuition and rationality, or between head and heart."

In Taylor's theory (in fact, the first theory of management), the ideal was an enterprise functioning like a machine, where each employee is a cog in the system. Naturally, in such a system there is no place for emotions. In the twentieth century, the expression of emotions at work became almost unacceptable: the principle of "emotions interfere with work" finally won.

However, let's remember the trends in the corporate world over the past few years. The pace of change in the world is constantly increasing. Instead of product competition, service competition comes to the fore, and the concept of “relationship economy” appears. The organizational structure is changing: companies are becoming more flexible, less hierarchical, more decentralized. In this regard, the number of horizontal communications is increasing. The idea of ​​an ideal employee has changed: instead of a “cog” in the system, now it is “a person with initiative, able to make decisions and take responsibility for them.” Among companies, competition for the best employees has increased and continues to grow, the concept of “war for talents” has appeared. At HR conferences, they seriously discuss how to make an employee happy, because numerous studies have proven that “happy people work better.” In the HR environment, in recent years, the term “engagement” has become very popular, that is, such a rational and emotional state of an employee in which he wants to maximize his abilities and resources to achieve the goals of the organization.

If you carefully delve into all these trends, it becomes clear that they all affect the emotional sphere of life, so a successful company and a successful leader just need to learn how to use emotions to achieve corporate goals and teach their employees to do the same.

Cognitive intelligence alone is not enough to achieve success. That is why at one time the famous scientist Howard Gardner introduced the theory of multiple intelligences, which included, in addition to logical and mathematical, also linguistic, bodily-kinesthetic and other types of intelligences. What is meant? If we understand by intelligence the ability of a person to process certain information, then different types of intelligence will be associated with the processing of different information.

Emotional intellect - the ability of a person to operate with emotional information, that is, the one that we receive (or transmit) with the help of emotions. Emotions carry information. The emergence and change of emotions has logical patterns. Emotions influence our thinking and participate in the decision-making process. According to recent neurophysiological studies, it is generally impossible to make any decisions without emotions. The famous neurophysiologist Antonio Damasio even wrote a book about it called Descartes' Fallacy. The title of the book comes from Descartes' famous phrase: "I think, therefore I am." From the point of view of modern science, the more correct option is: "I feel, therefore I exist." Damasio argues that the final impulse in favor of one or another choice comes from the brain regions responsible for emotions. In 2002, psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize in Economics (!) for proving the fact that non-rational factors, including emotions, influence economic decision making (see also Dan Ariely, Behavioral Economics)

The model of emotional competence of the training company EQuator consists of four skills: the ability to be aware of one's emotions; the ability to recognize the emotions of others; the ability to manage your emotions; the ability to manage the emotions of others. This model is hierarchical - in other words, each next skill can be developed, already having the previous one in your arsenal. For, as Publius Syrus said back in the 1st century BC, “one can control only what we are aware of. What we are not aware of controls us.”

A person with a high level of emotional competence is able to clearly understand what emotion he is experiencing at one time or another, to distinguish degrees of intensity of emotions, to represent the source of emotion, to notice changes in his state, and also to predict how this emotion can affect his behavior.

Myths about emotional competence. Emotional competence = emotionality. A person with a high EQ is always calm and in a good mood. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than cognitive intelligence (IQ).

How to measure emotional competence? So far, there are no universally recognized tests for measuring emotional intelligence in Russia. The MSCEIT, one of the recognized American EQ tests, is now undergoing adaptation in the RAS. We suggest assessing emotional competence through skill-specific self-assessment. You will find a list of skills in a particular area of ​​emotional competence at the beginning of each chapter.

Emotional competence, like other skills, develops and develops. More often than not, we were taught not to be aware, but to suppress our emotions. Meanwhile, the suppression of emotions is harmful to health and relationships with others, so it makes sense to learn to be aware of emotions and develop other ways to manage them.

Chapter two. “How do you feel?”, or Awareness and understanding of your emotions

Most often the term awareness is used in psychotherapeutic texts when it means "the transfer into the realm of consciousness of some facts that were previously in the unconscious." In order to understand our emotions, in addition to consciousness itself, we need words, a certain terminological apparatus.

What is "emotion"? Can emotions "not be"? We have divided emotions into “bad” and “good” and expect to deal with them in this way. We will encourage the good ones and suppress the bad ones. And, oddly enough, many people think that this is enough. We usually offer the following definition: Emotion is a reaction organism to any change in the external environment. We introduce the term organism in order to draw your attention to some two conditional levels of our interaction with the world. We connect with him at the level of logic (a reasonable person) and at the same time - at the level organism(on a reflex, instinctive and emotional level), not fully aware of all the ongoing processes.

What are emotions, that is, what words are they defined by? "Anxiety", "happiness", "sadness" ... and to remember them, some efforts are required - they are not in the "operative" memory, you need to fish them out from somewhere deep. People can hardly remember which words it called! To make it easier to recognize emotions, it is worth introducing some kind of classification of emotional states.

We suggest four classes of basic emotional states: fear, anger, sadness and joy. Fear and anger are emotions originally associated with survival. Sadness and joy are emotions associated with the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of our needs.

Fear and anger These are the most basic emotions. If it can eat me, then the reaction of fear ensures the restructuring of the body in order to escape. If it it cannot eat me, some other restructuring of the body is required, which is necessary for an attack - a reaction of anger. So from the point of view of the main need of the organism - in survival - fear and anger are very positive emotions. Without them, people would not have survived at all, and the logical divisions of the brain would certainly not have had enough time to develop and evolve.

In today's world, we are more interested in social interaction. And it turns out that people are so arranged that the emotional parts of the brain perceive a threat to our ego, our social status in the same way as a threat to the integrity of our body.

Instead of positive and negative emotions, we prefer to use the term "adequate" (situations) emotion or "inadequate" (situations) emotion. At the same time, both the emotion itself and the degree of its intensity are important (“it would be useful to worry a little about this, but panicking is completely unnecessary”).

Social stereotypes that interfere with the awareness of emotions. "Do not be afraid of anything". If you look at fear and courage from a logical point of view, then a brave person is one who knows how to overcome his fear, and not one who does not experience it at all. "You can't get angry." This statement implies a ban on the manifestation of strong irritation and anger, and more precisely on actions caused by anger that can harm others. The ban on actions is quite logical and necessary for modern society. But we automatically transfer this prohibition to the feelings themselves. Instead of recognizing that we have anger emotions and managing them constructively, we prefer to think that we do not have these emotions. And then an adult girl suffers when she needs to be firm in relations with subordinates or a negotiating partner, when she needs to insist on her own, defend her interests and the interests of her loved ones, achieve her goals - because this requires the energy of anger, irritation.

Sadness and joy- these are emotions that are no longer observed in all organisms, but only in those that have social needs. If we recall the famous Maslow pyramid, we can say that the emotions of fear and anger are more associated with the two lower levels of needs (physiological and the need for security), while sadness and joy are more associated with those needs that arise during social interaction with other people (needs for ownership and acceptance).

In modern culture, sadness is generally not welcomed. And people tend to avoid sadness, sadness, disappointments, and live so neatly ... There is a lot of good and valuable in a positive approach, but in its “correct” understanding, it does not imply a ban on sadness. What about joy? Folk wisdom, surprisingly, does not recommend us to rejoice either: "laughter for no reason is a sign of a fool." In many cultures, suffering, tragedy or self-sacrifice in the name of someone (or better something) is revered.

By the way, what do you think is the most expressed emotion at work? And the least manifested? The most expressed emotion at work is anger, and the least expressed is joy. Most likely, this is due to the fact that anger is associated with power, control and confidence, and joy is associated with frivolity and carelessness (“we are here to do business, not to giggle”).

Emotions and the brain. Neurophysiological foundations of emotional intelligence. neocortex- that is, the “new cortex”, which evolutionarily appeared as the last part of the brain, the most developed only in humans. The neocortex is responsible for higher nervous functions, in particular for thinking and speech. limbic system is responsible for metabolism, heart rate and blood pressure, hormones, sense of smell, feelings of hunger, thirst and sexual desire, and is also strongly associated with memory. The limbic system, by giving emotional coloring to our experience, contributes to learning: those behaviors that deliver "pleasant" will be strengthened, and those that entail "punishment" will be gradually rejected. If, when we say “brain”, we usually mean “neocortex”, then when we say “heart”, we, oddly enough, also mean the brain, namely the limbic system. The oldest part of the brain reptilian brain - controls breathing, blood circulation, movement of muscles and muscles of the body, provides coordination of hand movements when walking and gestures during speech communication. This brain functions during coma.

The memory of the reptilian brain functions separately from the memory of the limbic system and the neocortex, that is, separately from consciousness. Thus, it is in the reptilian brain that our “unconscious” is located. The reptilian brain is responsible for our survival and our deepest instincts: foraging for food, seeking shelter, defending our territory (and mothers protecting their young). When we sense danger, this brain triggers the fight-or-flight response. When the reptilian brain shows dominant activity, a person loses the ability to think at the level of the neocortex and begin to act automatically, without consciousness control. When does it happen? First of all, in case of direct danger to life. Since the reptilian complex is older, much faster and has time to process much more information than the neocortex, it was he who was instructed by wise nature to make decisions in case of danger.

It is the reptilian complex that helps us “survive by a miracle” in critical situations. As long as the intensity of emotional signals is not very high, parts of the brain interact normally and the brain as a whole functions effectively. But when a certain level of intensity of emotional signals is exceeded, the level of our logical thinking sharply decreases.

The global drama of emotional intelligence. For emotions of great intensity (which we know a lot about and have many words for), we do not have a directly aware tool - the brain (or rather, it does not work very well). And for low-intensity emotions, when this tool works great, there are no words - another tool for awareness. There is a very narrow area somewhere in the middle where we can be aware of emotions, but here we lack the skill, the habit of systematically paying attention to our emotional state. Precisely because we do not know how to recognize emotions, we do not know how to manage them.

It is those passions, the nature of which we misunderstand, that dominate us the most. And the weakest of all are feelings, the origin of which we understand.

Emotions and body. Awareness of emotions through bodily sensations and self-observation. What does it mean to pay attention to your emotional state? Emotions live in our body. Thanks to the limbic system, the emergence and change of emotional states almost immediately causes any changes in the state of the body, in bodily sensations. Therefore, the process of understanding emotions is, in fact, the process of comparing bodily sensations with some word from our dictionary or a set of such words. There is a theory that people are divided into kinesthetics, visuals and auditory according to their way of interacting with the outside world. Feelings are closer and more understandable to kinesthetics, visual images are closer and more understandable to visuals, sounds are to audials.

Try to imagine yourself as an outside observer, then you may notice that you are slightly pressing your head into your shoulders (fear), or constantly pointing your finger at, or speaking in a higher voice, or your intonation is a little ironic. To understand an emotion, we need consciousness, terminological apparatus and the ability to pay attention to ourselves. and for that we need training.

Awareness and understanding of emotions. When we talk about understanding, we mean several factors. Firstly, it is an understanding of the cause-and-effect relationships between specific situations and emotions, that is, the answer to the questions “What is the cause of different emotional states?” and “What consequences can these conditions have?”. Secondly, this is an understanding of the meaning of emotions - what does this or that emotion signal to us, why do we need it?

Emotional cocktails. The model proposed by us also helps to develop the skill of awareness because it can be used to “decompose” any complex emotional terms into a certain spectrum of four basic emotions and something else.

How do we protect ourselves from fear? Everything that is unknown and new to us, at the level of the organism, must first be scanned for danger. At the level of logic, we can be ready for change and even quite sincerely "wait for change." But our body resists them with all its might.

social fears. Threats of losing social status, respect and acceptance by other people are just as significant for us, because it means being left alone. There are a lot more unconscious fears in our lives than we used to think.

Can you be angry with yourself? Let's introduce such a metaphor - the direction of an emotion, rather not even an emotion, but of possible actions that can follow this emotion. Fear will make us run away from the object or freeze. That is, fear is directed, as it were, "from". Sadness is rather directed inward, it focuses us on itself. But anger always has a specific external object, it is directed towards. Why? Because this is the very essence of emotion - anger prompts in the first place to fight. And no normal "organism" will fight with itself, it is contrary to nature. But we were taught as children that it’s not good to be annoyed, so the idea arises: “I’m angry with myself.”

Emotions and motivation. So, emotion is primarily a reaction, we receive a signal from the outside world and react to it. We react by direct experience of this state and action. One of the most important purposes of emotion is to move us to some activity. Emotions and motivation are generally words of the same root. They come from the same Latin word movere (to move). The emotions of fear and anger are often referred to as the "fight or flight" response. Fear motivates organisms to activities associated with protection, anger - with an attack. If we talk about a person and his social interaction, then we can say that fear motivates us to preserve, save something, and anger - to achieve.

Making decisions. Emotions and intuition. Before making a decision, people usually calculate various options, consider them, discard the most inappropriate ones, and then choose from the remaining options (usually two). They decide which one is preferable - A or B. Finally, at some point they say "A" or "B". And what will be this final choice is determined by emotions.

Mutual influence of emotions and logic. Not only our emotions affect our logic, our rational thinking, for its part, also affects our emotions. Thus, the extended definition will be as follows: emotion is the reaction of the body (emotional parts of the brain) to changes in the environment external to these parts. It could be a change in the situation in the outside world, or a change in our thoughts or in our body.

Chapter three. Awareness and understanding of the emotions of others

People's feelings are much more interesting than their thoughts.

In essence, the process of becoming aware of the emotions of others means that at the right moment you should pay attention to what emotions your interaction partner is experiencing and call them a word. In addition, the skill of understanding the emotions of others includes the ability to predict how your words or actions may affect the emotional state of another. It is important to remember that people communicate at two levels: at the level of logic and at the level of "organism". It can be difficult to understand the emotional state of another, because we are used to paying attention to the logical level of interaction: numbers, facts, data, words. The paradox of human communication: at the level of logic, we are poorly able to realize, understand what another person feels, and we think that we ourselves can hide and hide our state from others. However, in fact, our “organisms” communicate perfectly with each other and understand each other very well, no matter what we fantasize about our self-control and the ability to control ourselves!

So, our emotions are transmitted and read by another "organism", regardless of whether we are aware of them or not. Why is this happening? To understand, you need to know that in the human body there are closed and open systems. The state of a closed system of one person does not affect the state of the same system of another person. Closed systems include, for example, the digestive or circulatory system. The emotional system is open: this means that the emotional background of one person directly affects the emotions of another. It is impossible to make an open system closed. In other words, no matter how much we sometimes want it, we cannot forbid our “organisms” to communicate

On the influence of logic and words on the emotional state of the interlocutor. Usually we tend to judge the intentions of another by the actions that he performs, focusing on his emotional state. One of the most important components of the skill of understanding the emotions of others is understanding what emotional effect our actions will produce. It is important to take responsibility for your actions and remember that people are reacting to your behavior, not good intentions. Moreover, they are absolutely not obliged to guess about the intentions and take them into account if your behavior causes them unpleasant emotions.

There are two simple rules to remember. (1) If you are the initiator of communication and want to realize some of your goals, remember that for the other person, it is not your intentions that matter, but your actions! (2) If you want to understand another person, it is important to be aware not only of his actions, but, if possible, of the intentions that dictated them. Most likely, his intention was positive and kind, he simply could not find suitable actions for him.

To understand the emotions of others, we must take into account that the emotional state of another affects our own emotional state. This means that we can understand another through awareness of changes in our emotional state - as if we ourselves can feel the same thing that he feels - this is called empathy.

The emotional state of the other is manifested at the level of the "organism", that is, through non-verbal signals - we can consciously observe the non-verbal level of communication. We are well aware and understand the verbal level of interaction - that is, in order to understand what the interlocutor feels, you can ask him about it. So, we have three main methods of understanding the emotions of others: empathy, observation of non-verbal signals, verbal communication: questions and assumptions about the feelings of another.

Empathy. Recent discoveries in the field of neurophysiology confirm that the ability to unconsciously “reflect” the emotions and behavior of another is innate. Moreover, this understanding (“mirroring”) occurs automatically, without conscious reflection or analysis. If all people have mirror neurons, then why is it that some people are so good at understanding the emotions of others, while others are so difficult to do so? The difference lies in the awareness of their emotions. People who are good at capturing changes in their emotional state are able to intuitively understand the emotions of other people very well. People who are less capable of empathy find it more difficult to connect with other people and understand their feelings and desires. Many of them easily get into situations associated with interpersonal misunderstandings and misunderstandings.

Why do we feel what others feel? On the meaning of mirror neurons. For a long time, the nature of this phenomenon remained unknown. Only in the mid-1990s, the Italian neurologist Giacomo Rizzolatti, having discovered the so-called mirror neurons, was able to explain the mechanism of the “reflection” process. Mirror neurons help us understand the other not through rational analysis, but through our own feeling, which arises from internal modeling of the actions of another person. We cannot refuse to “mirror” another person. Moreover, our internal copy of the actions of another person is complex, that is, it includes not only the actions themselves, but also the sensations associated with them, as well as the emotional state that accompanies this action. This is what the mechanism of empathy and “feeling” of another person is based on.

Popular wisdom says: if you want to learn something, watch people who do it well.

"Fool me". Understanding non-verbal behavior.

The joy of seeing and understanding is the most beautiful gift of nature.

Let's understand what non-verbal behavior is. Very often this is understood as "sign language". At one time, a lot of books with a similar title were published, the most popular of which was probably Allan Pease's Body Language. Actually, what do we call verbal communication? These are the words and texts that we communicate to each other. Everything else is non-verbal communication. In addition to gestures, our facial expressions, postures and the position that we occupy in space (distance) relative to other people and objects are of great importance. Even the way we are dressed carries non-verbal information (he came in an expensive suit with a tie or ripped jeans). And there is another component of non-verbal communication. We pronounce the texts that we communicate with some kind of intonation, speed, loudness, sometimes we clearly articulate all sounds, sometimes, on the contrary, we stumble and make reservations. This type of non-verbal communication has a separate name - paralinguistic.

There is a so-called Mehrabian effect, which is as follows: at the first meeting, a person trusts only 7% of what the other says (verbal communication), 38% of how he pronounces it (paralinguistic), and 55% of how what it looks like and where it is located (non-verbal). Why do you think this is happening? Emotions live in the body, and, accordingly, they manifest themselves in the body, and no matter how you hide them. Therefore, if a person is insincere, then no matter what he says, his emotions will betray him.

There are two opposite points of view. The first says that people are inherently evil, selfish and ready to defend their interests, not shunning anything, including deceit. The second says that people initially intend to do good. Each of us has met people who would confirm the validity of both points of view. However, whichever point of view you believe in, you will attract such people to yourself, as well as get (unconsciously) into situations that confirm it. Therefore, let's not talk about deliberate deceit, but use the emotionally neutral term "incongruity." This term is used when talking about the discrepancy between verbal and non-verbal signals to each other.

What do you need to do to learn to understand non-verbal behavior? Don't be fooled into thinking you'll "read" other people after that, as fashion headlines might promise. It is worth being aware of non-verbal communication in the complex and paying attention to its various aspects. Of greatest importance for the interaction and understanding of another person is a change in non-verbal position. If you notice his condition, you can contact him with a question, then you will be able to get more information from him.

Just as with becoming aware of your own emotions, practice is essential. Turn on TV and turn off the sound. Find some feature film and watch it for a while, observing the gestures, facial expressions and location in space of the characters. Public transport. What do these people feel? If you see a couple, what kind of relationship are they in? If someone tells something to someone, is it a funny story or a sad one? Conference. Are these two really happy to see each other, or are they just pretending to be happy, but are they really competitors who dislike each other? Office.“What is this person feeling now?”, “What emotions is he experiencing?” Having guessed some answer, we can then analyze what we observe in this person's non-verbal behavior and ask ourselves whether my assumption about this person's emotions correlates with my ideas about gestures, postures and facial expressions.

Monitoring paralinguistic communication. If a person suddenly begins to stutter, stutter, mumble or talk, then this is most likely an indicator of some degree of fear. Aggressive emotions can be characterized by an increase in the volume of speech. In melancholy-sadness, people rather speak quieter, longer and more mournfully, often accompanying their speech with sighs and long pauses. Joy is usually divided into higher tones and at a fast pace (remember how the crow from Krylov's fable - "for joy in the goiter breathed"), so the tone becomes higher and speech more confused. However, this applies mainly to pronounced emotions. Therefore, in order to improve the skills of understanding paralinguistic communication, one can again advise to include an observer of this process in oneself more often.

"Do you want to talk about it?" How to ask about feelings? A direct question may cause some anxiety or annoyance, or both. It turns out that everything is not so simple with the technology of awareness and understanding of the emotions of others through direct “asking”. The main difficulties of the verbal way of understanding the emotions of others: people do not know how to recognize their emotions, and it is difficult for them to correctly answer the question about feelings and emotions. Such a question itself, due to its unusualness, causes emotions of anxiety and irritation, which reduces the truth of the answer.

Open-ended questions on the title itself “open” space for a detailed answer, for example: “What do you think about this?”. Closed questions "close" this space, suggesting an unambiguous "yes" or "no" answer. In communication theory, it is recommended to refrain from an excessive number of closed questions, and use open questions more.

Since asking about emotions in our society is not very accepted, it is important to formulate these questions very gently and as if apologizing. So, from the phrase: “Are you mad now, or what?” - we get: "May I suggest that you are perhaps somewhat annoyed by this situation?"

Use the following speech formula, it is verified by the authors and is the most correct. Any technique = essence (core technique) + "depreciation". Moreover, the essence is the logical level of technology application, and depreciation is the emotional one.

Empathic expression. In the theory of communication there is such a thing - an empathic statement, that is, a statement about the feelings (emotions) of the interlocutor. The structure of an empathic statement allows the speaker to express how he understands the feelings experienced by another person, without assessing the experienced emotional state (encouraging, condemning, demanding, advice, reducing the significance of the problem, etc.). It can be enough to say to an annoyed person: “Is it supposed to be annoying when there are delays in the project all the time?” - as he becomes noticeably calmer. Why does it work? Most people are not aware of their emotions, and neither is this man. But at the moment when he hears a phrase about emotions, he involuntarily pays attention to his emotional state. As soon as he becomes aware of his irritation, his connection with logic is restored and the level of irritation automatically drops.

Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina

Emotional intellect. Russian practice

© Sergey Shabanov, Alena Aleshina, 2013

© Design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use, without the written permission of the copyright owner.

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This book is well complemented by:

Emotional intellect. Why it might mean more than IQ

Daniel Goleman

Emotional intelligence in business

Daniel Goleman

Introduction

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and rational thinking is a devoted servant.

We have created a society that honors servants but forgets about gifts.

Albert Einstein

... Russian people are emotional, unlike many other nationalities, more sincere and less mechanical than Americans or Swedes. Therefore, they need more emotions in management.

Magazine "Expert"

Are you familiar with the phrases: “Let's not be too happy about this”, “The main thing for us now is to think things over”, “You are too emotional about this”, “We should not be guided by emotions, we cannot let them take over common sense"? Probably yes. Emotions get in the way, we know. Emotions interfere with thinking and acting adequately. Emotions are very difficult (if not impossible) to manage. A strong person is one whose face does not flinch at any news. Business is a serious matter, and there is no room for worries and other “weaknesses” in it. People who, at the cost of colossal efforts, were able to achieve that they always keep themselves in control and do not show any emotions, consider this their advantage and a huge achievement.

Meanwhile, by saying these and similar phrases and thinking in this way, we deprive ourselves and our colleagues of one of the most unique resources in business - our own emotions, and the business itself - a significant potential for development.

“Emotional intelligence” (EQ) is a well-known concept in the West, but is currently only gaining its popularity in Russia. Nevertheless, it has already managed to acquire a sufficiently large number of myths.

In this book, we want to offer the reader our own approach to emotions and emotional competence, based on our own experience and the practice of EQ development in Russia. In our experience, emotional competence skills do develop and help people enjoy life more and manage themselves and other people's behavior more effectively.

There is an opinion that “emotional intelligence” is a Western technique that is not applicable in Russian conditions. In our opinion, the ideas of emotional intelligence are even more suitable for Russia than for the West. We are more connected with our inner world (not without reason they like to talk about the “mysterious Russian soul”), we are less prone to individualism, and our value system includes many ideas that are consonant with the ideas of emotional intelligence.

We have been developing emotional intelligence in Russia since 2003 as part of EQuator's training and consulting projects, and in this book we offer you methods, examples and ideas that have emerged in the course of joint work with Russian leaders and managers (although we will sometimes refer to the works of our esteemed foreign colleagues). Therefore, we can state with all responsibility that the techniques and methods described in this book have been tested and work in Russian conditions.

You can read the book in "book-lecture", that is, in the process of reading, simply familiarize yourself with the information offered. We hope that you will find many interesting facts and ideas related to emotions and emotional competence.

You can read a book in "book-seminar", since the material of the book contains, in addition to information, a number of questions for the reader. Of course, you can not dwell on them, considering them rhetorical, but we invite you, having met a question, to think and first answer it, and then continue reading. Then you will be able not only to learn a lot about emotions in general, but also to better understand your emotional world, to determine which emotional competence skills you already have and which you can still develop.

The authors of this book are the leaders of the trainings. It is not surprising that we consider the training form of education to be the most effective. In this book, we write about what we talk about in training. In some cases, we provide specific examples of what do at the trainings. We could not write here only about the fact that You will do at the training, what experience You receive and how You you will analyze it (and this is one of the main elements of the training). To get as close as possible to the real learning format, we offer various tasks for independent work. If you take the time and effort to put into practice the methods and technologies we offer, as well as to analyze the experience gained, we will succeed "training book".

You may want to argue with some of the ideas and statements presented here - the topic of emotional intelligence is a subject of much debate. We have included in the book the typical objections that we face in our daily work. (For this we have a “skeptical participant in the training”.) If you have any doubts or objections that we have not taken into account, we are open to discussing these ideas at the following addresses: Sergey -, Alena -, as well as in our group in the social network "VKontakte" www.vk.com/eqspb.

How is the book structured?

IN first chapter we will look at different approaches to how emotions are appropriate and necessary at work, and we will analyze in detail what is meant by the concepts of "emotional intelligence" and "emotional competence" and what constitutes a person with a high EQ.

Second chapter is one of the most difficult. It is dedicated to awareness of emotions and the difficulties that we have with this. We will also look at the basic concepts of "positive" and "negative" emotions and the roles they play in our lives (personal and work).

Third chapter associated with awareness of the emotions of other people and various ways of deeper understanding of the inner world of another person.

Fourth chapter is dedicated to various ways and methods of managing one's emotions: those that help to cope with momentary emotions right during the situation (the so-called online methods), and those that contribute to building a long-term strategy of emotional self-management.

Finally, in fifth chapter we'll see how you can "honestly" manage the emotions of others. This is a chapter largely related to team management and leadership, motivation and the ability to lead people. We will also touch a little on how you can implement “emotional management” in your company, that is, a comprehensive management system built on the competent use of emotions in work.

Chapter first

Nothing personal, just business?

Emotions? I beg you, what emotions? My employees leave all their emotions at the checkpoint, but at work they work for me!

From a conversation with the CEO of one of the companies

The only way to create profit is to attract emotional, not rational employees and customers, this is an appeal to their feelings and fantasies.

Kjell Nordström, Jonas Ridderstrale, Funky Business

Are emotions necessary in business?

Definition of "emotional intelligence"

Emotional Intelligence in Practice - Emotional Competence

Myths about emotional competence

How to measure emotional competence?

Is it possible to develop emotional competence?

Are emotions necessary in business?

Two different epigraphs illustrate two opposite approaches to emotions in business: many managers and businessmen believe that emotions have no place in business, and when they do appear, they certainly harm. There is another point of view: it is necessary to fill the company with emotions, and only then can it become great and invincible.

Do emotions help people? Maybe only because of them a person makes stupid mistakes, which he later regrets. But at the same time, only the ability to feel makes it possible to empathize with others, understand them and look for ways to solve problems that will suit both parties. Emotional intelligence is now talked about quite often, but not so much that this topic is well disclosed and understandable to everyone. In addition, most often you can read about this in books by foreign authors that do not take into account the peculiarities of the Russian mentality. In the book Emotional Intelligence. Russian practice” by Sergey Shabanov and Alena Aleshina, these features are taken into account.

With the help of this book, you can learn about the role our emotions play in our lives, our actions and even the way we think. What are our true purposes when we behave in one way or another? When do emotions help and when do they complicate the situation? This book will be useful to all leaders, managers, and any person. It tells how to behave with subordinates and colleagues, with clients, partners, how to negotiate, achieving your goals. It tells how to recognize your emotions and learn how to manage them, as well as how to learn to understand the emotions of other people and also manage them, and without using manipulation.

The book is well structured, easy to read, the authors give examples, give answers to questions that usually arise from the audience of their trainings. The strength of the book is its practicality. Questions are given here, there is a place where to enter answers, and the reader will be able to independently analyze their emotions and understand how to proceed.

On our website you can download the book "Emotional Intelligence. Russian Practice" by Sergei Shabanov, Alyoshina Alena for free and without registration in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format, read a book online or buy a book in an online store.