There are often cases when it is not the child who is subjected to violence, but his mother. And this is no less a problem for each such family and society as a whole. Participants of the “Road to Home” charity program and our partners - specialists from the center for assistance to families and children - took part in a round table meeting on combating domestic violence and promoting the law against violence in Vologda. This problem in Russia is extremely acute: every year 6 thousand women (according to other sources, even 19 thousand!) die at the hands of their husbands or cohabitants. In family. What can we say about beatings... Often children become witnesses to these terrible scenes.
The growing sense of tension results in the child’s unbearable suffering and mental pain, says Irina KALININA, psychologist of the “Step towards” project of the “Road to Home” charity program. - This effect is comparable to a time bomb, especially when violence is hidden from others at all costs - and this is what happens most often.
Along with the color of eyes, hair and body type inherited from parents, the child carries into his future adult life from his mother an inability to withstand pressure, a kind of “fatal” humility, and from his father - aggression as a way to solve emerging difficulties, rejecting at the root all the principles of humanity. And this even though the child himself was not beaten.
There are signs by which you can recognize that a child is witnessing domestic violence. These are pronounced difficulties in communicating with peers; elements of cruelty in games or, conversely, the inability to express oneself; inability to express one’s emotions, a “lost” look, a “fading” voice, in extreme cases - outbursts of auto-aggression (i.e. inflicting physical suffering on oneself - pulling out hair, hitting the head, etc.). Figuratively speaking, a child - a regular witness to domestic cruelty and violence - can be compared to an animal in a cage (“I saw something terrible, I’m afraid I can’t say it”).
In other words, children who witness violence in parental relationships often have the same problems as children who are abused. Who can protect them and stop the chaos? As the role-playing game conducted among the round table participants showed, a woman who is beaten turns out to be completely defenseless: she does not dare to tell the truth to those close to her because of false shame; speaking about her husband’s claims, she hears in response: “You try, do as he wants, as he loves, and everything will be fine”; the kindergarten teacher and psychologist, having noticed alarming changes in her son’s behavior and health, explain to the mother that she needs to “pay more attention to the boy,” without trying to understand what it’s like for her herself, whether she has the resources to pay attention to this; even a statement to the police does not become a solution to the problem: the husband calls a lawyer - and the woman ends up slandered... New authorities, new “officials” - and the result is zero: the lawyer and her husband easily convince everyone that the woman herself is to blame - they say, she is trying to take the child away from her husband , so he deceives, wastes time.
And - new beatings, each time more severe.
“I felt guilty about everything,” said a round table participant who played the role of a beaten wife about her perception of the situation. - There was a feeling of complete impasse, because any actions or appeals anywhere only made things worse. I even forgot that I had a child!
Can a woman protect herself?
If a woman is beaten or hit by her husband, she has the right to contact the police, says Tatyana LANEVICH, head of the department of local police commissioners and juvenile affairs of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs for the city of Cherepovets. - Her statement will be accepted, an explanation will be taken, she will receive a referral for a forensic medical examination (since only a forensic expert can determine the harm caused to health, and the classification of the crime depends on this). Then we interview witnesses and take the explanation of the husband or cohabitant. After this, the victim’s statement is sent according to jurisdiction - to the preliminary investigation and inquiry authorities or to the magistrate’s court. If the materials are sent to the magistrate's court, the woman will have to come there, write a statement - now to the court - and the case will be considered. Unfortunately, this often happens: today a woman is offended - tomorrow she is not. Over the five months of this year, we sent 977 materials on facts of domestic violence to the magistrate’s court. But only 33 verdicts were passed - and then, as a rule, this was a reconciliation of the parties. In other cases, people did not come to reapply at all.
As we see, in order to bring her husband to justice, a woman, by law, must take many steps, spend time and effort. But they simply don’t exist: women often, unfortunately, endure for a long time, hoping that “everything will work out” and stop by itself. But practice shows that, having hit once, a man does not stop, on the contrary. And the victim begins to feel completely helpless, unable to resist the aggressor, she can no longer fight. Even if she has the strength to take the first step - write a statement to the police - then she may be afraid that it will only get worse; her husband may intimidate her and force her (or persuade her - rapists can be very convincing) to withdraw the statement. And the nightmare at home will continue...
Meanwhile, in society it is generally accepted that a woman is largely to blame herself, for example: why doesn’t she leave her despot husband? Why does she stay with him, not sparing the children? So at the seminar, one of the participants, mixing the role and a real person, very sharply said to the heroine: “You should have grabbed the child and immediately went to the shelter!”
What to do? The organizers of the round table believe: there is a need for a law against domestic violence, changes in other relevant laws - the Criminal Code, the Administrative Code, the law on the police... It is necessary to transfer cases of family violence from the category of private accusations to the category of public accusations: the fact is that today All work on the evidence base and on one’s own defense falls on the victim of domestic violence. She must not only write a statement against her husband, but also go through several instances before the matter comes to court. World Court. And judges very often suggest that the parties... simply reconcile. Without any consequences for the despot, despite the proven facts of beatings.
And this cannot be allowed! There should be no reconciliation of the parties without working with specialists, because domestic violence will continue, based on many such facts, says Natalia Khodyreva, candidate of psychological sciences, director of the Crisis Center for Women of St. Petersburg.
How can you help a woman in a situation of domestic violence? What is being done for this in our city?
Elena KANEVSKAYA, head of the department for family, women and children, social protection committee of Cherepovets:
There is a crisis department for women at the Family and Children Assistance Center in Cherepovets. Victims of violence will be assisted there by a psychologist and a lawyer; there is a club “You are not alone”, where women communicate, share their experience in resolving conflicts, and a specialist helps them with this. If necessary, a woman and a child are sent to a special shelter, where she can hide from her husband for some time. An agreement is concluded with her for a period of up to three months, which can be extended if necessary. But it is important that the woman herself takes steps to improve the life situation for herself and the child; specialists help her with this.
Galina MITINA, project manager “Public reception for children’s rights” of the “Road to Home” charity program:
Half of all calls to our reception are about violations of children's rights in the family. In turn, more than half of them are associated with violence, both physical and psychological, often from men. And when you start talking to a woman, you see: she herself endures violence, often beatings, and cannot resist. She's just scared! Then a psychologist begins to work with her: supports, helps to defuse feelings, calm down. And after such work, changes often occur in the family: the rapist is lost - why did the victim stop being afraid?
Then the project’s lawyers get down to business: they help write a statement to the police, to the magistrate’s court, and track the time frame for consideration of the case (this, by the way, is very difficult!). If it is possible to start living separately from the tyrant, this is the best option: the traumatic situation disappears, the woman can even meet another partner and start a new life. Sometimes (but very rarely) it is possible to help resolve the issue with the apartment. But in general, the problem of domestic violence against women is extremely complex and very difficult to solve.
...The situation that was played out at the round table in Vologda was taken from life. Her end was terrible: unable to find real help anywhere, the woman jumped out of the window. Together with his little son.
Irina ROMINA
It doesn’t literally mean that they copy behavior, which means they behave in exactly the same way...
The article is generally called:
“Six things that you should not do with a child.” Of course, this is all theory, and there are a lot of points of view, there are also scientific works that support physical punishment... Here everyone determines for himself which method is closer to him... But I believe that it is necessary to strive to manage your anger... I am a quick-tempered person, but at the same time balanced and I do not understand assault... I will never even call anyone names in anger.
1. Scream
A scream is not a fit of rage or a desire to harm the baby, but a signal of helplessness. This is exactly how children read it: they perceive screaming parents as insecure and unstable, which makes them scared.
Screaming is simply contraindicated in education: the fact is that it builds a demonstrative character in the child. When the mother starts yelling, the child gets used to crying, kicking the floor, stamping his foot and twisting it even harder. This happens because the child gets used to emotional reactions and uses them himself.
Easy to say, you might think. After all, children sometimes simply drive them crazy by exposing themselves to real danger. Is it really worth patting him on the head if he reaches for a hot frying pan?
Instead of shouting:
1. Agree with your child. If his constant refusals (to go for a walk, to eat, to go to school) make you hysterical, make him an offer that he cannot refuse. For example: either he is going for a walk, or his mother is not going anywhere with him (while the baby is running around with one laced shoe, just go back to your business - you have an agreement).
2. Leave the room. The vast majority of children's tantrums are absolutely demonstrative in nature. This is how the child tries to evoke emotions in his mother (and, by the way, not out of malice, but because he either doesn’t get enough of them or has too much). Let the little artist calm down: let him understand that provocation is a weak argument.
3. Calm him down. Let's say he again gives you a minor fit by lying across the corridor and hitting the floor with his fists. Calm down yourself, take a magazine or book and read until the child stops hysterical. The more often you repeat this, the faster your baby will learn to keep his emotions under control.
2. Beat
Of course, after reading this paragraph, most parents will say: “We didn’t touch him!” Now remember all these small slaps on the hand reaching for the socket, weak slaps in the face that should “bring him to his senses,” and other physical “little things” that do not cause him real pain, but frighten and humiliate him.
Children should never be hit, and the force of the blow does not play a role here. And we do this again out of helplessness: unable to control our fears, we make such mistakes.
Instead of spanking:
1. Do not a priori create situations where the child is in danger at home. While he is small, all sockets, electrical wires and heavy things that a child can knock over should be hidden and closed. If he reaches out to them, it’s already your fault: the child is just learning about the world, and not trying to make you angry.
2. Learn to calm yourself down. Count to ten, go to another room, tear up a piece of paper... But do not take your anger out on the child.
3. Explain to your child the principle of operation of an electric kettle, let him play with the iron turned off - let him study it thoroughly. Take time to open up the world to your child and explain the dangers it contains.
3. Pry into his personal life
This already applies to older children. They have new friends, first novels, their own companies... Parents love to start Gestapo interrogations on the subject of “what kind of boy is this” and “where does his dad work.” Children, like adults, are not happy that the most intimate details of their relationships with peers are the subject of idle discussion. Many guys themselves run to share, but only if they feel safe doing so - mom and dad will not ask him provocative questions, delve into his relationships and look for some hidden secrets.
Instead of interrogations:
1. “So how?” - a great start for a conversation in a friendly atmosphere when the child returns from his first date in his life. He answered “fine” - don’t ask questions. If he wants, he will tell you everything.
2. Unless we are talking about drinking and smoking company, do not give your assessments to your child’s friends. This will undermine his trust both in you and in his own friends.
3. Let your child have his own space. Let him not show you his correspondence, and let you enter his room only with a knock. Personal territory is very important for children - otherwise they grow up to be neurotic.
4. Drink, smoke and use obscene language in his presence
And this is already a policy of double standards. Dad’s can of beer, mom’s cigarette, an accidentally dropped incorrect phrase in a conversation with a friend on the phone... And the child is already beginning to perceive classic parental prohibitions as a humiliation of his own dignity (yeah, mom and dad can do it, but I can’t, because I’m worse?).
A child, what can I say, is a big responsibility. In connection with its appearance, the way of life changes dramatically, and this concerns barely noticeable little things. Any thing that you prohibit a child with the text “this is for adults” makes this thing automatically desirable and does not instill in the child an adequate attitude towards what can harm his health.
Instead of double standards:
1. You have your own nanny, grandparents, clubs... You can drink, smoke and swear outside the presence of the child. But it’s better to completely give up bad habits so that you don’t accidentally remember them at the most inopportune moment.
2. Give the child information. Together you can watch a scientific documentary about the dangers of tobacco, study the effects of alcohol on the human body and create in the child’s head not an intimidating, but a correct, medically literate picture.
5. Be afraid of his sexuality
Children grow very quickly, and according to statistics, at the age of 15 and a half they enter into their first intimate relationships. Before this, conversations about sex have already begun, they are looking for information about it, and they are simply spewing out all sorts of vulgarities.
Parents clutch their heads in horror: instead of telling their teenager about contraception, they instill in him a fear of this topic, which will have the most terrible impact when the child becomes an adult. Or even worse: trying to behave “competently” during the process of his sexual development, the parents begin to find out what he did and where he went for walks.
Instead of fears:
1. Offer your child information. You can start talking about condoms as early as 13-14 years old: the sooner he learns about it, the better. But you shouldn’t run after him with brochures about vein diseases: let him have the opportunity to turn to you for advice when he wants it.
2. Do not relate to his personal life at all. If mom and dad interfere with his first love, he may grow up with an inadequate perception of this feeling. And when parents know how to be friends with a child and respect his psycho-emotional autonomy, he himself is happy to share.
6. Require your child to be an excellent student
This point may seem controversial to many. Psychologists believe that parental ambition is firmly grounded in our mentality. This is probably the machinations of the Soviet past, when instead of individualism, people were taught humility and diligence.
For many parents, school success is a reflection of their own victories. Unfulfillment in life makes such fathers and mothers firmly believe that the child must be “the very best.” But the pressure put on him will play a cruel joke on the child: in the future he will not learn to take responsibility for himself, or will rebel, or develop the need to obligingly please everyone.
And why bother? Not all children are equally capable of learning. And this does not make the child worse or better - it’s just that some are good at mathematics, and others are not. You don't blame yourself for not becoming a molecular biologist, do you?
Instead of requirements:
1. Accept your child for who he is. Let him not rise above “C” grades, and a gold medal will not shine for him: he has a lot of other talents!
2. Build the right psychology: studying is a child’s responsibility. The sooner the responsibility for grades hangs on his shoulders, the more independent and stronger he will become in the future.
3. Allow your child to always have the opportunity to turn to you for educational help, but never force it. This does not mean that he should spend hours on the Internet instead of studying - things that are dangerous to health should also be prohibited. But he might as well read or play with friends instead of studying next year's history syllabus. This is his life.
4. Remember that in our country there is an unhealthy attitude towards children's academic performance. In Europe and America, at parent meetings they talk primarily about the child’s psychology and his personal qualities, only moving on to grades towards the end. Unfortunately, we cannot immediately rebuild the entire Russian education system, but we can take a good example from the West and help the child within the family.
The State Duma adopted the law on domestic violence in the first reading. Previously, a criminal case was opened for beating a family member. Now they won't. At least for the first time they will forgive. True, legislators led by the initiator of the project, the well-known Mrs. Mizulina, clarify: only bruises and abrasions will be forgiven. If more serious harm is caused to health, then a criminal case will be opened against the tyrant immediately.
It turns out that if mom walks around with a black eye or a broken lip, then it’s okay. But if dad breaks her ribs when he’s drunk, then maybe they’ll punish her.
What about the children? How does it feel for them to watch mom frantically cover up her bruises in the morning and cry while dad doesn’t see? How will this affect their psyche? Psychologist-consultant Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni told us about this.
Photo GettyImages
Beatings in the family, especially regular ones, are a symptom of the so-called dysfunctional family, which consists of those who, in turn, were also raised in a dysfunctional family. In which it is not customary to talk to the point, where they play the most confusing and cruel psychological games. But nevertheless, this is a family. We are accustomed to seeing any conflict situation in contrasting colors - black, white, bad, good, we defend this one, and we condemn this one. If one is a priori a monster, and the other is a priori a victim, then such a perception cuts us off from understanding the situation as a whole. You can attach as many labels as you like. Let's take a look without judgment. Why does one person raise his hand against another person? This comes from powerlessness, from a lack of words to indicate what he feels and what he wants, from a lack of understanding of himself, from the fact that the person himself has such hell inside that he can no longer contain it, and this hell pours out. The anger in the soul of the family tyrant is off the charts. And behind the anger is his own unlived gigantic pain. A domestic tyrant has a frightened soul. Why, these are individual reasons. He fights out of fear, which has become his nature. He doesn't know how to build relationships differently. But healthy contact and intimacy scare him. Probably, sometime at an early, very tender age, he received a great injury that he could not cope with. Therefore, behind fear there is a huge shame, so huge that the easiest thing for this type of people is to drown it out with alcohol. Shame is where a person has failed. And he doesn’t have the courage to just see it.
The wives of domestic tyrants are also raised ready for such relationships, since they have before their eyes the experience of their dysfunctional family. It doesn’t happen that a girl from a prosperous, psychologically healthy family suddenly married a rowdy alcoholic and lived with him all her life, enduring beatings. If she comes out, she won’t tolerate it; she doesn’t have the resources for it. And the daughter of a tyrant father has the resource of withstanding a mentally unbalanced person next to her. She is a ready victim, so with her even a potential tyrant will become a real tyrant. She will allow him to do this, often unconsciously. Boys, as a rule, stand up for their mother. And subsequently, in adulthood, it is difficult for them to get out of the shadow of the influence of the maternal figure. It’s as if they take the place of a protector next to their mother; most of their hearts remain close to her. And if you manage to build relationships with other women, then these are painful stories. Such guys often fall in love with women with difficult fates who need to be saved or protected. Calm, prosperous women without hysterics will be of little interest to them.
Photo GettyImages
It is very difficult for girls to get out of the shadow of their tyrant father. She will look for someone like dad, a bully with a frightened soul and untied hands, but with attempts to change him. And at the same time provoking the use of physical force, as if arranging an exam - she achieved success in her path of remaking this copy or failed. She also has a lot of unreasonable shame, and in order to overcome it, she can go to great lengths just to drown out this feeling of shame. However, these are some generalizations. Everyone's destinies are different, since under any starting conditions, each person always has a choice - good or evil. Examples from real life. One guy’s dad drank and beat his mom, the guy grew up to be a repeat offender. Another’s father also drank and beat his mother, but he grew up and became an extreme rescuer with awards for his exploits. The third's father drank and beat his mother, he grew up and became an incredible writer. One girl’s father beat her mother, she grew up and became a porn model. The other has a similar family situation, but she has become a scientific doctor of the highest level. Another one became a nun.
It is obvious that children from such a family, in which they received an exorbitant amount of pain, have one thing that is most difficult for them - to become someone ordinary, to live the ordinary, inconspicuous life of an ordinary citizen. They are able to endure more than an ordinary person, which is why many of them find themselves in helping professions, where they have to deal with situations in which a person from an ordinary family would go crazy with grief, pain, and the amount of blood. It is also more difficult for them to build a more or less healthy family, where it is joyful and calm, since it is joy and tranquility that are unusual and frightening for them. They can withstand almost any horror, but almost cannot withstand happiness and silence. True, some of them manage to learn this too. But this is only a few. Basically, they excel in life roles of either great victories or great downfalls. And joy, love, well-being are somewhere in the middle.
“Be patient for the sake of the children. A child must have a father,” this is often said to women who have problems in the family. Even when my husband beats and rapes me. But what does it really mean to “save the family for the sake of the child”? Is it for the good? And what do the children themselves say about this? Anya, Oksana and Natasha remember their childhood with horror. They grew up in families where dad beat mom, where stepfather molested stepdaughter, where younger brother tortured sister. They did not know where to turn, where to look for help and how to explain to adults that where the strong offend the weak, there is no family.
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
“The helpline told me not to interfere in my parents’ affairs”
“Dad beat mom,” he begins his story. Anya(name changed at the request of the heroine). - This happened throughout my childhood. I remember most acutely when I was in adolescence - 11-13 years old. Aggression manifested itself when dad drank. He was never an alcoholic, but he could afford it once a week after work. I started with the banal:
Why are my socks not where I put them, but washed and lying in another place?
I found a clue. I went to the kitchen, where my mother was in the evenings. I could have broken the cup. Such intimidation - now I will beat you. Then he closed the door, and I heard him hitting it. I tried to go inside. When I succeeded, I stood between them. She said:
Dad, stop! Dad, don't touch! Daddy, daddy.
I was petting him somehow. Even in him, I tried to see the evil person and understand what hurt him. Sometimes he calmed down. If not, everything ended in bruises. It happened to me too.
He hit my mother mostly on the head. And he pushed - the kitchen was not very big - against the wall. Often he took me by the collar and threw me into the corridor.
When he was very drunk, my mother and I tied him up with ropes. They were afraid that he would get behind the wheel - he tried to drive when he was drunk. If we managed to tie him up, we stayed home. If it didn’t work out, they went to the neighbors or to my mother’s sister. Her husband also beat her. It’s interesting that when we came to them to hide from dad, and my aunt’s husband was at home, he felt sorry for us and said:
Yes, stay the night, what a horror.
And when he beat them, they came to us, and my dad already said:
Oh, what a bad Valerka.
Such a reversal of roles - from savior to rapist.
Once I broke my leg at a dance and walked around in a cast on crutches. When there was another fight, my mother and I jumped out and went to spend the night with our aunt. The next day, mom went to work and I returned home. I found the executive committee’s hotline number somewhere and called to find out what to do in such a situation. The phone was double, and while I was talking, dad was listening. Then he burst into the room, hung up, picked me up by my T-shirt and threw me against the wall. I couldn’t run away - my leg was broken. The shirt was torn.
In those couple of minutes, the aunt from the executive committee told me that there was no need to meddle in the parents’ relationship, everything would be fine, they would sort it out themselves. She repeated several times that I couldn’t go anywhere and that the issue had to be resolved peacefully.
When my mother came, I told her. She went to talk to dad. And he beat her. And then he calmed down. I sat, sewed up my T-shirt and cried. He said he wouldn’t do that again.
I remember my mother always called the police. I didn’t write any statements. It was never offered to her. They only threatened dad with a finger:
Man, calm down.
And dad calmed down. For about a month.
Mom always said: the only thing we can do is not live with him. That you need to sell your apartment. And not to live. But we didn’t have the money to leave. Mom worked at school.
Many people knew what was happening. Although my mother only came to work once with a black eye. Usually there were no bruises left - my father knew how to hit like that. Neighbors and relatives could host us for the night. But there was no talk of getting psychological help or legal assistance. I thought this was normal. This is part of life. You just have to be able to somehow get out. Two of my classmates were beaten by their fathers. My husband beat my aunt. It was everywhere. And if the police saw and did nothing... What could we do?
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
When I turned 15, my dad stopped drinking and being promiscuous. And then my mother finally made her dream come true - we separated. I agreed with my dad to sell our home, and with this money we bought an apartment in Minsk (my dad still had the apartment from his parents).
We communicate very rarely now. He still feels guilty. Most importantly, when I was little, he made me feel defenseless. That there's nothing I can do. And I decided, when I grow up, to make sure that the strong never mock the weak.
“I knew: if I turned to the police, everyone would turn their backs on me”
“We have a big family,” he says. Oksana(name changed at the request of the heroine). - Five children. The older brother and sister lived with my mother's mother. Another sister (two years older than me) is with my father’s mother. Me and my younger brother are with my parents.
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
Dad loved me. But he drank. Either from loneliness, or from a difficult childhood, his mother beat him until he lost consciousness when he was little. He drank a lot, did not work, and only occasionally acted as an extra. When he didn't have enough money, he sold our things.
Because of this behavior, his mother began to quarrel with him. She worked from morning to evening, trying to feed her family, and here he takes out the money. The scandals were terrible. I was little and very scared. He only beat her when we weren't looking. But he constantly grabbed knives and waved them, shouting that he would kill my mother.
Each time I made my parents promise that they would not fight. Every day they violated it. When I had my 9th birthday, I asked my mother to buy my dad a drink instead of a gift - then he would calm down, and the house would be calm.
I felt very sorry for dad. But I was afraid that he would kill my mother, and often wished him death.
Due to constant stress, I often had hysterics. My grandmother (the same one who beat my dad as a child) took me to her place. I lived with her from fifth to ninth grade. She was very caring and fed me good food. But sometimes she was overcome by fits of rage. If I didn't listen, she said:
You will wash yourself with blood!
She could hit me on the head with a textbook or grab her by the hair and throw her into the radiator. Very similar to the grandmother from the book “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard.”
Dad soon died of alcoholism. And my grandmother began to get sick a lot. I moved back to my mother and younger brother. Very soon he began to beat me. Followed in my father's footsteps. This is understandable - he has not seen any other attitude towards a woman, and he thinks that hitting is the norm. When I ran to the receiver to call the police, he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me across the floor, throwing me on the pillow. Smothered with a pillow. With your hands. A robe belt. A couple of times the neighbors came to hear the screams, but then he began to take away my mobile phone and keys, locked the door and left so that I wouldn’t go out anywhere and couldn’t open it for anyone.
Mom was on his side. I thought I was provoking him by not being able to fight back. She said:
Calm down, the kids are all fighting!
But we were no longer children - I was 20 years old, he was 18. He punched me in the eye, in the nose, twisted my arms. A classmate once said: “I think someone is beating you.” And I came up with a story that I was a sleepwalker, I walked around the house at night and banged my face into doorways. Or she said that I have thin skin.
I stopped calling the police. I thought he was my brother after all. I remembered how I looked after him when he was little. I also understood that if I turned to the police again, everyone would turn away from me.
I went to live with my older sister and brother, in the apartment of another grandmother. Her husband lived in the same room with her sister. He turned out to be an alcoholic and an aggressor. When his sister was not at home, he drank very heavily. Becomes inadequate. He came to me, grabbed me, put me in his chair and didn’t let me leave. And in the morning I pretended that nothing had happened. I realized that this cannot continue. Miraculously, I contacted “Radislava” via the Internet and ended up in the Shelter.
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
Since I was nine years old, I have been biting myself. Then she pulled out her hair. At the age of 16, I started cutting myself and didn’t notice how it became a habit. At the Shelter, psychologists help me cope with self-aggression. And also - to become independent. I have already found temporary housing and am working as a nurse in a dental clinic. I'm studying to become a psychologist and finishing a tattoo course. I take English classes and learn to draw—I found all these courses through the Vault. There they support me a lot and help me develop. And I finally feel alive and needed.
The family doesn't know anything. One day, my older sister saw an article about violence on my social network page and got very angry. She wrote to me: “Where have you seen violence in our family?” Although she herself took me bruised from home when my brother beat me. She said:
Understand, the world is cruel. You just have to learn to protect yourself. Everyone lives like this.
Recently I wrote to her about what her husband did to me. She read the message but didn't respond.
“My stepfather pestered me, and my mother didn’t want to listen to anything”
“My parents divorced when I was six,” recalls Natasha. — Andrei appeared very quickly. At first I even called him dad - the relationship was very good. It all started when my mother gave birth to her second child, and Andrei began to drink a little. I was 12 years old.
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
One day relatives came to visit us. They were put in my room, and I went to bed with my mother and stepfather. Mom was lying in the middle. At night he climbed over it and I felt that he was touching me. At first I didn’t understand what was happening. I thought maybe I confused him with my mother. And he crawled up my leg, over my tits, under my nightie. I blew myself up and ran to the toilet. I sat there until the morning.
I was thinking about what I needed to tell my mother. But, like many children, she didn’t say. I was afraid that he wouldn't believe it. And in general - suddenly it seemed? She remained silent. I stopped calling him dad.
The relatives left. But everything began to repeat itself: he came to my room, always drunk, lay down next to the bed and with his disgusting paw climbed under the blanket and began to touch me. I ran to the toilet. He was leaving. The right thing to do would be to kick him, scream, wake up mom so she can see. But I didn't do that. I do not know why. There was just some kind of psychological block. All I wanted was to run away.
Do you remember when they used to bleach laundry, they boiled it and stirred it with such a long wooden stick? This was my weapon. I took this stick with me to bed, to the toilet, and believed that the stick would protect me.
I grew up. It was a disaster. I thought: “Lord, please make sure my breasts never grow again!” It was so scary! All this “femininity”. I thought the more I developed, the more this bastard would paw me. I finished praying (laughs) - at some point my female development froze and remained at the level of 12 years. Until my 19th birthday.
I started going to my friends and aunt. When I stayed at home, everything repeated itself. After some time, my sleep became so sensitive that I would wake up and jump up as soon as he came to the door. Then he stopped coming.
Economic violence began. He stopped giving my mother money for me. At all. Mom was on maternity leave, did not work, and we depended on him. My (biological) dad sent me clothes and things, but he didn’t know how bad it was - I lacked the most basic things. In late autumn I went to school in light boots and a light jacket. I was ashamed to come there like that, and I started skipping school. Now I would even go in a bag - I don’t care. But when you are 15 years old, and you go to the lyceum, where wealthy children are brought by car, and you came on foot, because there is no money for a minibus. And still dressed haphazardly. The pressure is terrible. A friend came to the rescue. She gave me clothes. But I still had 50% absences every year. I studied well, though. But she was a black sheep. The boys insulted me, locked me in the toilet when someone pissed there, and called me names. Problems began with communication in general.
The older I got, the more my stepfather and I fought. I decided to tell my mother about everything. She replied that I had invented everything to ruin her relationship with her stepfather. I still can't wrap my head around this. It got really bad.
I told my sister, aunt and uncle. The uncle shouted that “he’ll fucking kill this goat,” but, of course, he didn’t kill him. My aunt suggested depriving my mother of parental rights, but I asked not to do this. I felt sorry for her. The police are also not an option - my stepfather touched me, but did not rape me. There was no crime. And I told him not so much to punish him, but so that they would hear me and believe me. And they regretted it. I really missed this “regret” at that time. For the sake of “feeling sorry” I could have hurt myself with something. Now I understand that the knife could have caused an infection, and in general - it hurts, why are you doing this? But when it worked, it was good.
As long as we remain silent and believe that this is normal, while we hammer into girls’ heads that the main thing is to save the family, such stories will be taken for granted
I entered a university in a neighboring city on a paid basis. I worked part-time to have money for travel. My father gave half the money for education, and my mother and stepfather had to give another half. But my stepfather didn’t want to, and I was expelled for non-payment.
Why didn't mom do anything? By that time, her stepfather had already drunk her thoroughly. She still drinks. She also had some kind of psychological block. One day I said:
Mom, look, I was expelled from the university, your husband groped me, I skipped school, I don’t have money for winter clothes.
Told her the truth. And from the realization she had an attack, she fell to the floor and lost consciousness.
It was January. I walked down the street in these autumn boots and realized that I had nothing to lose. That we need to leave, even to Antarctica - everywhere will be better than here. I took the train and went to my dad. And while she was driving, it seemed she was reborn. Reset! You are in a new place where no one knows that your classmates hurt you, that you have never had relationships with guys, that your mother is a drunk, and your stepfather is generally a so-so person, that you live in a scourge. Nothing! You can fashion yourself however you want. These four years at the new university I was impudent, arrogant, and created the opposite image. Then I needed this to believe in myself. Now that I have a great job, a wonderful husband, friends, I can allow myself to be myself - calm, kind, vulnerable. One thing I know for sure is that I will never return to that place again.
The stepfather got what he deserved. He died of alcoholism, painfully. Pancreatitis. It burned down in just a few days. I lay there and felt how the organs gradually failed - the liver, the kidneys - and there was no man. May the kingdom of heaven be upon him.
Illustrations: Liliya Khudik
When I read posts about women who have experienced domestic violence and see comments like “stupid, why didn’t she leave him?” or “she should have collected her things when he raised his hand!”, I understand those women. Under stress, everything works differently. I also couldn’t leave, tell everyone in the world so that he would be afraid to repeat his antics. I was embarrassed to say. To me! Although he should have been ashamed and afraid to go outside out of shame. I thought: this is my family, nothing can be done, we just have to be patient. And as long as we remain silent and think that maybe this is normal, while we hammer into the heads of little girls that the main thing is to save the family, such stories will be taken for granted. And such bastards will walk around as if nothing had happened.
Most victims experienced violence as children
The public association "Radislava" organized a Shelter for women and children affected by domestic violence. This is a home where you can come with children, where you can live and get help from psychologists, lawyers, and, if necessary, learn self-defense skills.
— At the Shelter we accept women who have experienced physical, sexual, economic or psychological violence. Most of our clients were witnesses or victims of violence in childhood, says the shelter psychologist Olga Kazak. “They often do not leave the aggressor because they are less sensitive to violence and more tolerant.
They are familiar with all this. They often have a guilt complex and low self-esteem. They believe that they do not deserve better and have never seen better. Ordinary relationships seem strange. Mom and dad's model is strong. Even if parents “don’t swear in front of their children,” children see and feel everything. And they often blame themselves or transfer their parents’ aggression onto themselves. And when they grow up, they search for the same emotional swings subconsciously. And before they know it, the partner’s one-time aggression develops into a relationship where there is nothing left but aggression.
“Women are often told: “Be patient, save the family for the sake of the children.” Let the child have at least some kind of father.” This is very bad,” explains the Vault child psychologist Elena Kozhakina.— Yes, there are those for whom stress is a stage of growth. But such children are exceptions. Most break down and live in the image and likeness of their parents.
All the children I work with at the Sanctuary are different. But there is something that unites them: low self-esteem, problems in communication (they are often withdrawn), constant fears. Often the child believes that it is he who provokes domestic violence through his behavior. Often internal tension results in serious health problems.
What should a child do? Ideally, gather the adults he trusts (aunt, neighbor, sister, friend), and definitely his mother, and ask if they notice what is happening? Often a mother blocks what she doesn’t want to see—she herself needs help. It is important to understand that Shelter is a woman’s conscious choice. But the child can contact the hotline.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
8 801 100 8 801
Emergency phone number for accommodation in the Shelter (24 hours a day):
+375 29 610 83 55
Psychologists will talk to him and try to contact his mother through the child. If a woman does not want to come to us, we can refer the child to other adults, to teachers, psychologists and to Social and Pedagogical Centers, depending on the area where the child lives.
We always say that you should not be afraid to call the police and write a statement. Yes, a family can be placed in a SOP (socially dangerous situation). In those cases where there are grounds for this. What is this most often? Unsanitary conditions, inadequate conditions, lack of basic necessities, scandals, etc. It is impossible to eliminate these criteria by remaining in the same house with the aggressor. But when a mother and child enter the Shelter, all factors of a “dangerous situation” are eliminated. This means that the woman and her children are safe.
How can you help
What Anya, Oksana and Natasha experienced is simply called horror. They endured pain from those closest to them for years. Because they had nowhere to turn. But the situation is changing, now there is a Shelter in Minsk that is ready to accept women and children who have suffered from violence, including from the regions.
Over the past three years, 365 people have lived in the Shelter, 146 of them are children. According to statistics, only 4% of women after the Shelter return to the aggressor. And they all return to the Shelter again. Psychologists work with them here. Mom is given the opportunity to learn a new profession and become economically independent. A lawyer helps in court to resolve issues with housing and raising children. The woman and children feel safe and become more confident. This means they can start a new life, without violence.
The "NAMES" platform collects funds for the annual work of the Shelter: salaries of a psychologist, hired lawyers, a social worker, a project manager, rent of premises, payment for the installation and operation of a "panic button" alarm, consumables, etc. As a result of the Shelter's work, a psychologist and lawyers, about 100 women and children will receive temporary housing.
By clicking the "Help" button, you will help women and children start a new life - without violence.
