Talking about death with children is difficult, and if we are talking about someone close, adults often cannot find words at all. We asked psychologists how to correctly explain to a child that grief has occurred in the family.
Alexander Pokryshkin
child psychologist
Telling a child about death is not easy. Often we put off this conversation until later in order to prolong the cloudlessness of his childhood. The situation changes radically if you need to say that someone close to you has died. And many of the methods we know turn out to be much less harmless than we used to think. Let's take a closer look at them.
It is a mistake to assume that nothing happens to a child until we tell him about anything. In fact, he feels everything. The baby picks up on our tension, notices how we look away and fall silent mid-sentence. And this inevitably causes him anxiety. When there is anxiety in the air, children tend to believe that it is their fault, that they did something wrong, and begin to blame themselves for the fact that their loved ones are upset. And this is precisely what causes various psychological problems.
The version about the hospital where the deceased allegedly ended up, or the business trip he went on, will also be of little use. The child finds out that a person close to him suddenly left to work in another city or got sick, that is, he stopped communicating. The lack of personal communication and lack of information raise a lot of questions.
Intermediate option: a story about how your loved one now “lives in heaven.” We seem to be telling the truth, but in a very softened version, we switch the child’s attention to the good. That is, we do not help the child survive the fact that this person’s earthly life is over and they will not meet again.
Ultimately, the safest option is to speak openly about what happened. Choose the simplest words, avoid metaphors, explain the essence: the person died, he definitely will not return, and this is a great grief for all of us. The child does not need details; children of preschool age should definitely not attend the funeral. But they must know the truth.
Volkova Elena Pavlovna
family and child psychologist, Lapino Clinical Hospital
I’ll say right away that you need to talk to your child about this. When a misfortune occurs in a family, everything is felt without words. A child, just like any adult, is very sensitive to what is happening around him. No matter how much you smile, trying to distract yourself and show the younger family member that everything is fine, you will not be able to hide your pain and sadness. The child may sense the falsehood and become afraid.
If adults are silent and do not tell the truth about the death of a loved one, this can cause increased anxiety in the child, he will ask a lot of questions, even if you lied that the person left. It is also possible to display aggression towards surrounding adults, since the child is unconsciously angry at the deceased person because he did not tell him anything and allegedly left. Anger arises because something has changed, and what exactly is unknown. Please remember: the child always feels and is partially aware that grief has occurred in the family, even if you are silent about it.
For children of all ages, it is best to say that a loved one has died. So say it. This is very difficult, but after this conversation both you and the child will feel a little calmer inside. Don't try to hide your emotions. There has been grief in the family, and this should not be hidden under the guise of calm. It is important for a child to experience this loss with someone who can cry, grieve, and be sad. It's okay to cry together. It is also very important to establish tactile contact with the child - hug, sit on your lap.
Regarding death itself, a child can be told that the body of the deceased person has stopped working. Now he is not cold, not hot, he does not feel pain. You can tell your child that there are different ideas about life after death and talk about them. It will be good if photographs of the deceased loved one are in a visible place. Talk about this person, remember funny, sad, touching and even ridiculous things about him.
Children can cope with the loss of a loved one faster than adults. And when adults are still grieving, the child begins to have fun, rejoice and attract adults to his fun. There is no need to judge his fun, otherwise the child will feel guilty for wanting to laugh.
Now a little more detail by age. Children of preschool age - from two to seven years old - have a very developed imagination. Reality is mixed in the minds of children with fairy tales. Therefore, there is no need to tell tales about the death of a loved one, say that he went on a trip to heaven, for example. This confusion of reality and pseudo-reality does not bring relief. After all, the result is the same - the baby will no longer see this person.
There is no need to describe the details of death. If a person was sick, it is enough to say that he did not always take his medications on time. If he died, he was inattentive, not very careful. If he died of old age - that he was already very old and tired of living for so long. In this way, we can, as it were, transfer part of the responsibility for death to the person who died. This is necessary so that the child does not start worrying about himself and you. If a younger family member asks: “Aren’t you going to die?” - you can answer: “I take good care of myself. Everything is fine with me. I plan to live a long, long time."
For junior and senior schoolchildren aged 8–12 years, loss can provoke a feeling of helplessness, which will be expressed in aggression. To prevent a child from withdrawing into himself at the stage of experiencing loss, it is important that he has additional hobbies - classes, hobbies. Teenagers very often seek support outside the home and experience the loss emotionally and may even experience depression. If the death of one of the parents occurs, the teenager often tries to take on the role of the deceased. It is necessary to help the child pay attention to personal interests. A teenager’s desire to support loved ones in various ways should not be ignored. This makes it possible to experience grief together, which is very important at this age.
cover: Dasha Koshkina
If one of the family members has died, then the child should be told the truth. As life shows, all options like “Mom/Dad went on a business trip for six months” or “Grandma has moved to another city for now” can have negative consequences.
Firstly, the child simply will not believe it or will decide that you are not telling what you are saying. Because he sees that something is wrong, that something has happened in the house, for some reason people are crying, the mirrors are curtained, you can’t laugh loudly. Children's imagination is rich, and the fears it creates are quite real for the child. The child will decide that either he himself or someone in the family is in danger of something terrible. Real grief is more understandable and easier than all the horrors that a child can imagine.
Secondly, “kind” uncles and aunts, other children or compassionate grandmothers in the yard will tell the child the truth. And it is still unknown in what form. And then the feeling that his relatives lied to him will be added to his grief.
Who's better to talk to?
First condition: a person close and dear to the child, the dearest and closest of all those remaining; the one who has lived and will continue to live with the child; someone who knows the child well.
Second condition e: the one who will speak must control himself enough to speak calmly, without breaking into hysterics or uncontrollable tears (those tears that well up in the eyes are not a hindrance); he will have to finish speaking to the end and still be with the child until he realizes the bitter news.
To perform this task, choose a time and place when you will be in a “resource state”, and do not do it while relieving tension with alcohol. You can use mild natural sedatives, such as valerian.
The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened
Often adults are afraid of being “black messengers.” It seems to them that they will hurt the child, cause pain. Another fear is that the reaction that the news will cause will be unpredictable and terrible (screaming, tears that the adult will not know how to cope with). None of this is true. Alas, what happened happened. Fate dealt the blow, not the messenger. The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened: even small children distinguish between the event and the one who is talking about it.
As a rule, children feel gratitude to the one who brought them out of the unknown and supported them in difficult times. Acute reactions are extremely rare, since the realization that something irreversible has happened, pain and melancholy come later, when the deceased begins to miss in everyday life. The first reaction is, as a rule, amazement and attempts to imagine what it would be like to “die” or “died”...
When and how to talk about death
It's better not to delay. But sometimes you have to take a short break, because the person reporting must calm down a little himself in order to control himself during the conversation. Still, speak as quickly after the event as you can. The longer the child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, that he is alone with this unknown danger, the worse it is for him.
Choose a time when the child is not overtired, when he has slept, eaten and does not experience physical discomfort, when the situation is as calm as possible under the given circumstances. Do this in a place where you will not be interrupted or disturbed, where you can talk calmly. Do this in a place that is familiar and safe for the child (for example, at home), so that later he has the opportunity to go and, if necessary, be alone or use familiar and favorite things. A favorite toy or other object can sometimes calm a child better than words.
The longer a child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, the worse it is for him
Hug a little child or take it on your lap. You can put your arm around the teenager’s shoulders or take his hand. The main thing is that this contact is not unpleasant for the child, and also that it is not something out of the ordinary. If hugging is not customary in your family, then it is better not to do anything unusual in this situation. It is important that at the same time he sees and listens to you, and not look with one eye at the TV or window. Make eye-to-eye contact.
Keep it short and simple. In this case, the main information in your message should be duplicated. “Mom died, she is no more” or “Grandfather was sick, and the doctors could not help. He died". Don’t say “gone”, “fell asleep forever”, “left” - these are all euphemisms, metaphors that are not very clear to a child. After this, take a break. There is no need to say more. Whatever else the child needs to know, he will ask himself.
What can children ask?
Young children may be interested in technical details. Will they bury it or not? Will worms eat it? And then suddenly he asks: “Will he come to my birthday?” Or: “Dead? Where is he now?"
Don't be surprised, don't be indignant, Do not consider these to be signs of disrespect, no matter what strange question the child asks. It is difficult for a small child to immediately understand what death is. Therefore, he “gets it in his head” what it is. Sometimes it gets pretty weird. To the question: “He died - how is that? What is he like now?” You can answer in accordance with your own ideas about life after death, speak in words that a child can understand, in short sentences.
Don't be scared under any circumstances. Do not say what these sins are as punishment, and avoid explaining that it is “like falling asleep and not waking up”: the child may begin to be afraid to sleep or watch other adults so that they do not sleep, otherwise they will not wake up. As a rule, they ask with alarm: “Are you going to die too?” Answer honestly that yes, but not now and not soon, but later, “when you are big, big, when you have many more people in your life who will love you and whom you will love...” Draw the child’s attention to this that he has relatives, friends, that he is not alone, that many people love him besides you. Tell them that with age there will be even more such people. For example, he will have a wife/husband and his own children.
The first days after the loss
After you have said the main thing, just silently stay next to him. Give your child time to absorb what he hears and respond. In the future, act in accordance with the child’s reaction. If the child responded to the message with questions, then answer them directly and sincerely, no matter how strange or inappropriate these questions may seem to you. If your child cries, hug him or hold his hand. If your child runs away, do not go after him right away. See what he is doing after a short time, 20-30 minutes. Whatever he does, try to determine whether he wants you there.
Sometimes people have the right to grieve alone, even very young ones. But this should be checked. If your child sits down to play or draw, slowly join in and play or draw with him. Don’t offer anything, play, act according to his rules, the way he needs. If he cries, try hugging and comforting him. If he pushes you away, say “I’m here” and sit next to him without saying or doing anything. Then slowly start a conversation. Say sympathetic words. Tell us about what will happen in the near future - today and in the coming days. If the child wants to be alone, asks you to leave the room or moves away from you, let him be.
The theme of death may appear in his games (for example, he will bury toys), in drawings
Do not change your usual daily routine on this day or at first. Don't try to do anything exceptional for your child, such as giving him chocolate that is usually forbidden to him, or preparing something that the family usually eats during the holidays. Let the food be ordinary and also something that the child will eat. Neither you nor he have the strength to argue about “tasteless, but healthy” that day.
Before going to bed, sit with him a little longer or, if necessary, until he falls asleep. Allow him to leave the light on if he is afraid. If your child is scared and asks to come to your bed, you can take him with you on the first night, but don’t offer it yourself and try not to make it a habit: it’s better to sit next to him until he falls asleep. Tell him what life will be like next: what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month. Fame is calming. Make plans and carry them out.
Participation in wakes and funerals
It is worth taking to funerals and memorials only if if there is a person next to the child whom the child trusts and who can deal only with him: take him away in time, calm him down if he cries. Someone who can calmly explain to the child what is happening and protect (if necessary) from too persistent condolences. If they start wailing over a child “oh you little orphan” or “how are you now” - this is of no use. In addition, you must be sure that the funeral (or wake) will be held in a moderate atmosphere (someone's hysterics may frighten the child). Finally, you should take your child with you only if he wants to. It is quite possible to ask the child how he would like to say goodbye: to go to the funeral (tell me how it will be), or maybe it would be better for him to go to the grave with you later?
If you think it is better for him not to attend, and you want to send him to another place (for example, to relatives), then tell him where he will go, why, who will stay there with him and when you will pick him up. For example: “Tomorrow you will stay with your grandmother, because a lot of different people will come to us here, they will cry, and this is hard. I’ll come pick you up at 8 o’clock.” Of course, the people with whom the child stays should, if possible, be “friends”: those acquaintances or relatives whom the child often visits and is familiar with their daily routine. Also agree that they treat the child “as always,” that is, do not regret it out loud, do not cry over him.
The deceased family member performed some functions in relation to the child. Maybe he bathed him or picked him up from kindergarten, or maybe he was the one who read the child a fairy tale before bed. Do not try to replace the deceased and return to the child all the lost pleasant activities. But try to preserve what is especially important, something the lack of which will be especially noticeable. Most likely, at these very moments, the longing for the departed will be more acute than usual. Therefore, be tolerant of irritability, crying, anger, the fact that the child is dissatisfied with the way you are doing this, the fact that the child wants to be alone and will avoid you.
The child has the right to grieve
Don't avoid talking about death. As the topic of death is “processed,” the child will come up and ask questions. This is fine. The child tries to understand and accept very complex things using the mental arsenal that he has.
The theme of death may appear in his games (for example, he will bury toys), in drawings. At first, do not be alarmed that these games or drawings will be aggressive in nature: brutally “tearing off” the arms and legs of toys; blood, skulls, the predominance of dark colors in the drawings. Death has taken away a loved one from a child, and he has the right to be angry and “speak” to her in his own language. Do not rush to turn off the TV if the topic of death flashes in a program or cartoon. Do not deliberately remove books in which this topic is present. It might be even better if you have a “starting point” to talk to him again. Do not try to distract from such conversations and questions. The questions will not disappear, but the child will not go to you with them or decide that something terrible is being hidden from him that threatens you or him.
On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks
Do not be alarmed if the child suddenly begins to say something evil or bad about the deceased. Even in the crying of adults, the motive “who did you leave us with” slips through. Therefore, do not prohibit your child from expressing his anger. Let him speak out, and only then tell him, repeat that the deceased did not want to leave him, but it just so happened. That no one is to blame. Nobody wanted this to happen. And that the deceased loved him and, if he could, would never have left him.
On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks. If after this time the child continues to be afraid, if he wets the bed, grinds his teeth in his sleep, sucks or chews his fingers, twists and/or tears his eyebrows or hair, rocks in a chair, runs on tiptoes for a long time, is afraid to be left without you even for a short time - all these are signals to contact specialists. If a child has become and remains aggressive, pugnacious, or frequently receives minor injuries, if the child is too obedient, tries to stay close to you, often tells you nice things or fawns over you, these are also reasons for concern.
Key message: life goes on
Everything you say and do should have one core message: “Misfortune happened. It's scary, painful, bad. And yet life goes on and everything will get better.” Re-read this phrase again and say it to yourself, even if the deceased is so dear to you that you refuse to believe in life without him.
If you are reading this, you are a person who is not indifferent to children’s grief. You have someone to support and something to live for. And you also have the right to your acute grief, you have the right to support, to medical and psychological help. No one has ever died from grief itself, as such: any grief, even the most terrible, passes sooner or later, this is inherent in us by nature. But it happens that grief seems unbearable and life is given with great difficulty. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.
About the expert
psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist, member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists.
The material was prepared based on lectures by psychologist and psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova.
Telling a child about trouble in the family is not an easy burden for someone who has undertaken to convey the sad news to the child. Some adults want to protect their children from grief by trying to hide what is happening.
This is not true. The baby will still notice that trouble has happened: something is happening in the house, adults are whispering and crying, grandfather (mother, sister) has disappeared somewhere. But, being in a disoriented state, he risks acquiring a number of psychological problems in addition to those that the loss itself will bring.
Let's look at how to tell a child about the death of a loved one?
It is important to touch the child during a sad conversation - hug him, sit him on your lap or take his hand. Being in physical contact with an adult, the baby instinctively feels more protected. This will soften the blow a little and help him cope with the first shock.
When talking to your child about death, be literal. Have the courage to say the words “died”, “death”, “funeral”. Children, especially in preschool age, take literally what they hear from adults. So, having heard that “grandmother fell asleep forever,” the baby may refuse to sleep, fearing that the same thing will happen to him as to his grandmother.
Young children do not always realize the irreparability and finality of death. In addition, the mechanism of denial, characteristic of all people when experiencing grief, operates. Therefore, it may be necessary to explain to the child several times (and even after the funeral) that the deceased will never be able to return to him. Therefore, you need to think in advance about how to tell your child about the death of a loved one.
Surely, the child will ask various questions about what will happen to a loved one after death and after the funeral. It must be said that the deceased is no longer bothered by earthly inconveniences: he is not cold, he is not in pain. He is not bothered by the lack of light, food and air in the coffin underground. After all, only his body remains there, which no longer works. It is “broken,” so badly that “fixing” is impossible. It is worth emphasizing that most people are able to cope with illnesses, injuries, etc. and live for many years.
Tell us about what happens to a person’s soul after death, based on the religious ideas accepted in your family. In such cases, it would not be superfluous to seek advice from a priest: he will help you find the right words.
It is important that relatives who are busy with mournful preparations do not forget to devote time to the little man. If the baby behaves quietly and does not bother you with questions, this does not mean that he correctly understands what is happening and does not need the attention of his family. Sit next to him, tactfully find out what mood he is in. Maybe he needs to cry into your shoulder, or maybe he needs to play. Do not reproach your child if he wants to play and run. But, if your child wants to involve you in the game, explain that you are upset and will not run with him today.
Do not tell the child that he should not cry and be upset, or that the deceased would like him to behave in a certain way (eat well, do his homework, etc.) - the baby may acquire a feeling of guilt due to the inconsistency of his internal state to your requirements.
Try to maintain your child’s usual daily routine - routine tasks calm even grieving adults: troubles are troubles, and life goes on. If your child doesn’t mind, involve him in organizing upcoming events: for example, he can provide all possible assistance in setting the funeral table.
It is believed that from the age of 2.5 years, a child is able to understand the meaning of a funeral and participate in saying goodbye to the deceased. But, if he does not want to attend the funeral, under no circumstances should he be forced or shamed for it. Tell your child about what will happen there: the grandmother will be put in a coffin, lowered into a hole and covered with earth. And in the spring we will erect a monument there, plant flowers, and we will come and visit her. Perhaps, having clarified for himself what exactly is done at a funeral, the child will change his attitude towards the sad procedure and want to take part in it.
Let the child say goodbye to the departed. Explain how this should be done traditionally. If a child does not dare to touch the deceased, do not reproach him. You can come up with some special ritual to end the child’s relationship with a deceased loved one - for example, agree that the child will put a drawing or a letter in the coffin, where he will write about his feelings.
A loved one should always be with the child at the funeral - you need to be prepared for the fact that he will need support and consolation; or maybe lose interest in what is happening, this is also a normal development of events. In any case, have someone nearby who can be away with the baby and not participate in the end of the ritual.
Don't be shy about showing your stamp and crying in front of your children. Explain that you are very sad because of the death of a loved one, and that you miss him very much. But, of course, adults should control themselves and avoid hysterics so as not to scare the child.
After the funeral, reminisce with your child about the deceased family member. This will help you “work through” again, realize what happened and accept it. Talk about funny incidents: “Do you remember how you went fishing with your grandfather last summer, then he caught his hook on a snag and had to climb into the swamp!”, “Oh, remember how dad got you ready for kindergarten and your tights were on the backside put it on in advance? Laughter helps transform grief into light sadness.
It often happens that a child who has lost one of his parents, a brother or another person significant to him acquires the fear that one of the remaining relatives is about to die. Or he might even die himself. Do not reassure your child with a deliberate lie: “I will never die and will always be with you.” Tell me honestly that absolutely all people will die someday in the future. But you are going to die very, very old, when he will already have many children and grandchildren and someone to take care of him.
In a family that has suffered misfortune, relatives should not hide their sadness from each other. We need to grieve together, survive the loss, supporting each other. Remember - grief does not last forever. Now you are crying, and then you will go cook dinner, do homework with your child - life goes on.
Usually at the age of 5-6 years, a child first realizes that death is an inevitable fact of the biography of any person, and therefore of himself.
Life invariably ends in death, we are all finite, and this cannot but worry an already grown-up child. He begins to fear that he himself will die (go into oblivion, become “nobody”), his parents will die, and how will he remain without them?
The fear of death is also closely related to the fear of attack, darkness, night monsters, illness, natural disasters, fire, fire, war. Almost all children go through such fears to one degree or another, this is absolutely normal.
The fear of death, by the way, is more common in girls, which is associated with a more noticeable instinct of self-preservation in them, in comparison with boys. And it is most pronounced in impressionable, emotionally sensitive children.
What we, parents, need to do first of all is to understand our own attitude to the topic of life and death. Determine for yourself what you believe in? What, in your opinion, happens or does not happen to a person after death (it is better to explain to the child the difference between body and soul: the body is buried in the ground or burned, but the soul...). Explain your introduction, be calm, concise and sincere.
Do not lie.
Speak in simple, understandable language (say “people die” instead of “we fall asleep in eternal sleep” / “we pass on to another world”).
Answer only the questions asked. If you don’t know what to answer, just say: “I don’t have an answer yet, but I’ll think about it.”
Do not compare death with sleep (many children then begin to fear that they may die in their sleep). Like a dried flower that will never bloom or smell sweet again, a dead person does not breathe, does not move, does not think and does not feel anything. When we sleep, we continue to live and feel, and our body continues to function.
“Mom (Dad), are you going to die? And will I die too?
Here it is better to emphasize that people die in old age, and before it comes, many, many different, interesting and important events will happen: “you will grow up, you will learn (then you can list the numerous skills that a child will master - skating and roller skating, bake delicious cookies, write poems, organize parties), you will graduate from school, go to college, you will have your own family, children, friends, your own business, your children will also grow up and learn, will work... People die when they life ends. And your life is just beginning.”
You can say about yourself: “I’m going to live for a long, long time, tomorrow I want to do this and that, in a month I want to do this and that, and in a year I plan..., and in 10 years I dream...”
If a child already knows that people die at a young age, too, one must admit that this really happens, there are exceptions to any phenomenon, but most people still live to see deep wrinkles.
The fear of death can be reflected in nightmares, once again emphasizing the underlying instinct of self-preservation. Here you need to remember that fears really don’t like being talked about, spoken out loud again and again, so you should not tremble with fear under the covers, but share what frightens you with your parents.
Fears also really don’t like to be drawn. You can tell your child: “Draw what you are afraid of.” Then discuss the drawing and ask them to think about what the child wants to do with it (tear it into small pieces, crumple it up as hard as they can and throw it in the trash, or somehow change it and make it funny and ridiculous, because fears are terrified of a child’s laughter). Also, a little later, the child can draw himself - how he is not afraid and conquers his fears (this is very therapeutic).
In the process of drawing, fears can come to life again and become sharper. It is believed that there is no need to be afraid of this, since the revival of fears is one of the conditions for their complete elimination. (Important: for ethical reasons, you cannot ask a child to depict the fear of his parents’ death in a drawing.)
Fears are worked out perfectly during sand therapy sessions.
And yes, the best strategy for parents when children’s fears arise is not to dramatize, not to create a stir, to reassure (“I’m near, I’m with you, you’re under my protection”), caress, kiss, hug, be emotionally responsive, give support, love , recognition, and ourselves - to be stable, calm and confident, to work through our own fears, and not to broadcast them to children.
What if someone close to you died? (instructions according to V. Sidorova)
Death cannot be hidden.
The closest adult, the one whom the child knows well and whom he trusts, should inform the child.
You need to start a conversation at a time when the child is full, not tired, and not excited. Not in the nursery!
During a conversation, you need to control yourself, you can cry, but you cannot burst into tears and immerse yourself in your own feelings. The focus is on the child.
Skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact is desirable.
You need to say clearly and briefly: “We have experienced grief. Grandma died (pause).” A pause is needed so that the child has the opportunity to comprehend what he has heard and ask questions that he will probably have. Answer the questions as sincerely as possible and only what you really think, in simple, accessible words.
The child’s reaction can be different, sometimes very unexpected, accept it as it is. If you cry, hug him, rock him in your arms, comfort him quietly and affectionately. If you run away, don’t run after him. Visit him in 15-20 minutes and see what he is doing. If nothing, sit silently next to her. Then you can tell what will happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. If he does, join the game and play by his rules. If he wants to be alone, leave him alone. If he gets angry, increase this activity. When you're exhausted, sit next to him and talk about the future. Don't be afraid of a child's tantrum, most likely there won't be one.
Cook him his favorite food for dinner (but no big feasts). Spend more time with your child. When putting him to bed, ask if he wants to leave the light on? Or maybe you should sit with him, read, tell him a story?
If on this or the next night the child has terrible dreams, wakes up and comes running, then on the first night, if he asks, you can allow him to stay in your bed (but only if he asks, do not offer). Otherwise, you should send him back to his bed and sit next to him until he falls asleep.
Do not avoid talking with your child about death or his experiences, do not limit the choice of books or cartoons that, in your opinion, may contain scenes that remind him of grief.
It is important to make as few changes as possible to his usual lifestyle. The child should have the same people, toys, and books around him. Tell him every night about your plans for tomorrow, make schedules, outline and - what is very important! - carry out activities. Do everything to give your child the feeling that the world is stable and predictable, even if there is no loved one in it. Have lunch, dinner and go for walks at the same time as the child was used to doing this before the loss.
Whims, irritation, aggression, apathy, tearfulness, agitation or unusual isolation, games on the theme of life and death, aggressive games for 2 months are the norm. If the nature of games, drawings, interactions with objects and other children does not return within 8 weeks to the norm that was before the loss, if after this time the child continues to be tormented by nightmares, he wets the bed, began to suck his finger, began to rock while sitting on a chair or standing, twirling his hair or running on tiptoes for a long time - he needs to see a psychologist.
Should my child attend the funeral?
This issue is resolved individually. You can ask the child himself (you need to ask 2 times) if he wants to go to the cemetery. If not, stay at home. If so, then during the funeral there should be a close acquaintance of an adult next to the child who will maintain physical contact with him and answer all questions, i.e. will devote himself only to him.
If your pet dies
The whole family can bury him and put flowers on the grave. A funeral is a farewell ritual that helps us build the boundary between life and death. Tell your child not to be ashamed of his feelings, that mourning and grieving for a deceased loved one, be it a person or a pet, is absolutely normal and natural, and it takes time to survive the loss, when acute melancholy is replaced by light sadness and reconciliation with life occurs, in which the beloved being is no longer there, but there is his image in the memory and hearts of those to whom he was dear.
Literature (for children):
1. W. Stark, S. Viersen “A Star Called Ajax” (this is a fiction book about how to survive the loss of a close friend, about how joy is reflected in sadness)
2. K.F. Okeson, E. Erickson “How Grandfather Became a Ghost” (it turns out that people become ghosts if they haven’t done something in their lives. According to the plot of the book, the grandfather comes to his grandson every night, and together they try to remember what the grandfather forgot)
3. A. Fried, J. Gleich “Is grandpa in a suit?” (about how the main character, a boy of about 5 years old, experiences the death of his grandfather and solves for himself the problem of the finitude of life)
4. W. Nilsson, E. Erickson “The Kindest in the World” (a story about how children play a funeral ritual - one summer day they decided to send off all the dead animals they could find on their last journey)
5. P. Stalfelt “The Book of Death” (a small picture book, not suitable for all children and not all parents!)
6. Tales of G.-H. Andersen’s “Chamomile”, “The Little Match Girl”, etc. (very sad stories that help to react to the feelings that arise in connection with the topic of death - watch them first for yourself and decide whether you should give them to your child)
You can make your own list of fairy tales, myths, legends, life stories (or come up with them yourself), where the theme of death would be present, how heroes cope with the loss of loved ones, what happens to the soul after death.
This will help the child understand and accept that the world works like this, death is a natural part of existence, but the fact that we are all finite does not make our lives meaningless.
Author: Irina Chesnova, psychologist, author of books for parents.
Hello. I am 29 years old. Married, has a child. Daughter, 5 years old. My dad died in September. This is my daughter's favorite grandfather. They loved each other very much. Dad was sick and I didn’t take my daughter to see him. It hurt him to see her, he did not get up. And she cried at home and wanted to go to him. 12 days before my dad’s death, I took my daughter to him. They both cried, hugging each other... Then dad got worse, and I didn’t take my daughter anymore. So he died. The daughter asks where grandpa is. He says that he misses him and really wants to see him. I say I've gone far. I just don’t know how to tell a 5-year-old child that her beloved grandfather is no longer there. She often asks when he will arrive. Draws pictures. She seems to understand that he will not come again. But at the same time, sometimes he starts crying very hard and asking where he is. She had never been to the cemetery. She wasn't at his funeral either. I thought it would scare her. And my condition was terrible, I would have scared her. Please help me how to explain to her that grandpa is gone. And that he still loves her, that he sees her. What is the right thing to do? Thank you.
Hello, I feel for your loss.
The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss for both adults and children. But this is a natural life process; sooner or later any child must encounter this phenomenon. The truth about death, which many parents are so afraid of, is much less traumatic for the child’s psyche than lies, silence and coming up with various excuses. You have already made several mistakes. That’s why your daughter is still crying and waiting for her beloved grandfather.
What are these errors? First, you need to understand that you cannot invent stories that do not correspond to reality to hide the fact of the death of a loved one. You didn't tell your daughter what really happened, but you deceived her. Of course, she will wait for her grandfather, who supposedly left. Secondly, they didn’t allow me to say goodbye to my grandfather without taking her to the funeral. After all, there is nothing terrible in funeral procedures. And the idea that funerals frighten children is nothing more than a myth. Thirdly, a secret has appeared in the family, which is hidden from the child, but he feels everything and this uncertainty traumatizes the child’s psyche.
What can you do now to correct the situation and help your daughter overcome her grief? It is better to make an appointment with a psychologist and discuss these issues in a personal conversation to receive individual recommendations. In this answer, I will tell you the algorithm for the conversation that needs to be had with the child.
First, you need to find time for a confidential conversation when you and your daughter are in a calm state. Your daughter is already 5 years old, and contrary to the opinion of adults that children do not understand anything about death, she is already able to understand complex things on this issue. During the conversation, you need to tell the child in simple words the following things: the life of any person sooner or later ends in death. Tell us in simple words about what death is, as well as the reasons for which it occurs. Then say that your beloved grandfather will never come again, because he also died. And this means that she will never see him again, will not hug him, will not play with him. Never. Tell us when this happened. And also say that you hid the truth from her, saying that grandfather left. Next, tell her that she may feel grief, sadness from what happened. And if she wants to cry, she will be sad, she can always come to you, and you will share this grief with her. Because you miss your grandfather too. Answer all your daughter’s questions, be sincere with the child.
Perhaps the child will cry and scream. Hug her, support her. Tell her that her feelings are natural and she can cry whenever she feels sad or longing for her grandfather. That this is completely normal. Or maybe, on the contrary, she will remain calm, this is also normal.
You can also take photographs of your grandfather, look at them with your daughter and remember all the good things associated with your grandfather. You can give your daughter something that once belonged to the deceased. Tell her that if she wants to talk about her grandfather, you will always keep her company.
Remember, children tend to live in the present and they quickly adapt to changing conditions. It is important to tell the truth so that the child experiences the loss and accepts the situation. Because further silence will traumatize her psyche.
Here is an approximate conversation algorithm. Of course, these are general recommendations. To receive individual recommendations on how to act correctly in such a difficult situation, sign up for an individual consultation via Skype. In a personal conversation, I will support you in a difficult situation, help you create a step-by-step conversation plan specifically for your family, and we will also figure out how traumatized your daughter is by what is happening in your family.
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