The child thinks that his mother does not love him. The child says that no one loves him. When and how

“Mom, you’re bad” - 5 ways to react

Mothers, having heard such statements, most often get very scared and begin to swear. Some even punish the child for such words by putting him in a corner or depriving him of sweets and TV. This is a disaster for mom. In their opinion, the child has now done almost the worst thing in his life - he insulted his own mother!

But such statements from the lips of a teenager and a preschool child are filled with completely different content. And it’s unlikely that the baby puts into these words the very meaning that, according to his mother, is contained in them. But let’s leave adolescence to school psychologists, and we ourselves will pay attention to our preschooler.

In fact, there may be a dozen reasons that prompted the child to say this.

Perhaps now he is trying to tell you something very important, but he does not know or does not know how to do it. The only words he found to express his feelings were “Mom, you’re bad!” Maybe he is asking for help or is in pain; he has another stage in development or a crisis of three, seven and beyond; he was ready to spend the evening with his dad, and then you came home from work early; just wondering how you would react to something like this; The child might have heard such a statement on the street or in kindergarten, or he wanted to do something important, and you interfered?

Remember one thing - such statements do not mean at all that the child does not love you and no longer needs you. He just said something the best he could, or repeated what he heard somewhere. In the first case, you need to understand his message, and in the second, you need to change yourself or smooth out the street consequences. Therefore, there are only two options on how not to react to such words - do not scold and do not punish.

Here are the ways how to react correctly maybe several. First, breathe out and, if you are hearing this for the first time, congratulate yourself on the fact that there is a new round of development in your relationship. If this is not the first time this happens, then think about why and why the child is saying this.

In both cases, try the following:

1. First, you can simply say - “okay, clear, I understand”, “okay, so be it” and keep doing your thing. If your child was testing your strength, trying a new word, or expecting some kind of violent reaction, he will be disappointed and, most likely, will not want to talk like that again. In general, calmness is one of the most correct options for responding not only to such, but also to other “unusual” statements.

2. Calmly ask in an interested (!) voice that does not break into hysterics: “Why am I bad?”, “Why do you think so?” It is very likely that the baby will answer your question himself, explaining the reason for his anger - I want candy, I want to play and I don’t want to sleep!

3. Help him understand himself: “Are you offended? Angry? You wanted to, but I made you put away the toys?”, “Did you want to be with dad?” In this case, try to explain to the child why he cannot continue to do something pleasant for him, but be sure to tell him when he can return to it or offer an alternative. For example: “We need to go to the store, otherwise we will all remain hungry, let me read to you or will you watch another cartoon in the evening when we get back?” “Daddy has to go on business, but when he gets back, he’ll play with you again.” Need I add that you should keep your promise?

4. Show empathy: "Yes, I know what you mean! I also told my mother that when I was a child,” “And I would be upset if they called me home from the street so early,” “I can imagine how angry you were.” It might seem like a small thing, but children also need sympathy and understanding.

5. Talk about love. It often helps if at the end of your statement you add, “I still love you.” Or say this instead of all of the above. Sometimes it works flawlessly.

Don't be alarmed by statements like this. Use them as a cue to think about what's going on. Now, while the child is small, it is much easier to build a trusting relationship with him and fix something than to wait until he grows up and the scale of the “catastrophe” grows with him.

Psychologists and teachers do not set clear time frames for when a baby should actively talk. Some children expand their vocabulary and express opinions on any topic by the age of two, often annoying their parents with intrusive questions. “The mouth won’t close,” moms and dads sigh exhaustedly.

Sometimes another problem arises: the child does not speak at 3 years old. "What to do?" - parents ask. What is the reason for refusing to communicate with peers and adults? At what age do you need specialist help? Let's figure it out.

When should a child start talking?

Familiarize yourself with the estimated speech development indicators. If there are noticeable deviations from the deadlines, do not hesitate, contact specialists.

Peculiarities:

• In most children, speech actively develops by the age of one year. If at 5–6 months it was “cooing”, at 6–8 months – individual syllables, then by 11–12 months speech becomes more complicated. At first, the words consist of repeated syllables (ba - ba, ma - ma, bi - bi, pa - pa) or monosyllabic (dai, na, am, woof);
• at 1.5–2 years of age, the vocabulary expands, words of several syllables, phrases, and simple phrases appear. Karapuz confidently names familiar people, describes certain phenomena, objects and actions (“Masha wants to eat”, “Give me a cup”). A noticeable delay in speech development should be alarming, but there is no need to panic. The best way out is a visit to a speech therapist;
• at 3 years old, speech is well developed, the child should describe a picture in simple phrases, be interested in the world around him, and ask questions to adults. The more detailed (within reasonable limits, without the necessary teachings and notations) the parents answer, the richer the child’s horizons;
• At 4 years old, a preschooler must meaningfully construct complex sentences, compose a story based on a picture, and describe objects, phenomena, and events occurring around him.

Monosyllabic answers do not encourage new questions; often, it is a soft hint: “Leave me alone,” “Don’t ask anymore,” “I have no desire to explain everything to you.” The more often you remain silent, pronounce obscure words and phrases through clenched teeth, the less often your son or daughter will ask questions. Remember: Lack of communication with parents often makes family relationships cooler.

Why the child does not speak: probable reasons

Most often, the problem develops under the influence of several factors. Often, congenital anomalies are supplemented by the parents’ incorrect behavior and reluctance to communicate with the baby at a sufficient level.

If you notice that your daughter or son doesn’t talk much, think: the child cannot pronounce certain sounds (words) or simply does not want to communicate, prefers to remain silent. Neurological disorders may exist and medical attention is required. Sometimes children feel comfortable without saying unnecessary phrases and answer in short words. Without parental encouragement, kids are unlikely to rant or think about anything interesting.

Main reasons:

• birth injuries. Unfortunately, during a difficult birth, certain areas of the baby’s brain are sometimes damaged. Such children require special attention from parents and doctors. In most cases, deviations are noticeable in the first year of life. A prerequisite is constant monitoring of the development of the newborn. In addition to the pediatrician, parents should regularly show the baby to a pediatric neurologist to monitor brain activity;
• hearing problems. Attentive parents will pay attention to the first signs of violations from the first month of their baby’s life. Congenital deafness or partial hearing loss occurs due to negative effects on the fetus during pregnancy. Sometimes the cause of the pathology is a hereditary predisposition;
• childhood autism. Every year there are more and more children living in “their own world.” An autistic child is often a normal child, but completely self-absorbed. He simply does not need to communicate with others, the baby does not suffer, and is in no hurry to speak. The problem of autism is dealt with by a psychologist, child neurologist and psychotherapist. The role of parents is no less important;
• lack of attention, deficit of verbal communication. Some parents do not know that they themselves raised a “silent child”. Reluctance to talk to a child, constant shouting, harmful words and phrases “Shut up, I’m tired,” “What nonsense are you talking about,” “We’ll talk later,” “Don’t pester me with stupid questions,” and similar statements discourage children from wanting to talk. A child sitting quietly in the corner, not disturbing anyone, is an ideal picture for many parents. In fact, psychologists warn about the danger of “withdrawal,” delayed speech development, stiffness, and problems in the future;
• refusal of “live” communication. Many parents, due to fatigue (laziness/lack of understanding of the importance of contact with their child), replace reading books together, learning poems, songs, and emotional conversation with TV, a computer, or a tablet. Modern gadgets captivate the child and relieve parents, who do not need to answer endless “Why?” Psychologists quickly “figure out” children with whom they have not worked much. The lack of live communication negatively affects the emotional development of the baby and delays speech development.

Advice to parents! Have you found similarities with situations that often occur in your home? Do you realize that you have little contact with your baby? Main: admit mistakes, understand that a problem exists, and seek help from a psychologist and speech therapist as soon as possible.

Parents are most concerned about the situation if the child does not speak at all at 3 years old. In such a situation, timely assistance from a doctor is important. If you are unable to find an approach to the silent person, visit experienced specialists.

To solve the problem, you will need to consult several doctors:

• otolaryngologist;
• speech therapist;
• psychologist;
• pediatric neurologist;
• psychotherapist.

Correction of speech development disorders depends on the factors that provoked the problem. If weak speech is a consequence of birth trauma, the doctor will prescribe special medications to normalize cerebral circulation and recommend therapeutic techniques that reduce the negative impact of neurological disorders. Classes with a speech therapist, psychologist, and a visit to a children's development center are required.

If a child does not want to speak due to “pedagogical neglect,” he will have to change his attitude towards communication. The sooner adults understand the importance of communicating with their son or daughter, the sooner speech will improve. The embarrassment will gradually go away, the baby will get rid of the “shell” into which he hid due to the fault of his parents.

Adults should be sincerely interested in the child’s affairs, encourage questions on any topic and, of course, find answers. There are benefits from learning new, interesting material for all parties - the horizons broaden not only for children, but also for parents.

The reasons for the development of iron deficiency anemia in children are written on the page.

Helpful Tips:

Some more useful tips:

• stimulate the development of speech skills. Watch cartoons together, read books, look at pictures, take the kids to exhibitions. Ask questions about what you read and saw, try to get detailed answers, continue the logical chain. Do not put pressure on your child if he is not in the mood for discussion;
• Many experts advise sending your baby to kindergarten. Preschoolers aged 3 repeat everything one after another. In a children's group, even the most stubborn “silent one” will start talking. Be sure to explain the problem to the teacher, ask not to put pressure on the child: let the little person want to communicate on his own. There are many examples when, literally, a week or two after starting kindergarten, the baby began to actively speak. For the success of the “enterprise”, be sure to find out how to prepare your child for attending kindergarten;
• Do children have trouble pronouncing certain sounds? Is the kid embarrassed by ridicule due to incorrect pronunciation, prefers to remain silent or answers briefly: “Yes,” “No,” “Okay,” and so on? Contact a speech therapist. Regular classes with a specialist and consolidation of acquired knowledge at home will gradually eliminate the problem. If the baby understands that he can clearly pronounce words and phrases, then the embarrassment will go away and his speech will improve.

Now you know the reasons and methods for solving the problem if a child speaks little or poorly at 3 years old. Be sure to consult with specialists and change your communication style with your daughter or son. Patience and love for the child will help correct the situation.

What to do if a child does not speak at 3 years old? Video - tips for parents:

25 COMMENTS

1. Snezhana
2. Anastasia
3. Anastasia
4. Gulya

anonymous, Female, 49 years old

Hello, Svetlana Mikhailovna! My 8-year-old son has recently become very rude, sometimes aggressive, reacts especially violently to requests and comments, argues all the time, or simply runs away during a conversation. He says that he doesn’t want to live by our rules, he’s tired of us, we don’t love him, that he wants to live in another family. He believes that we are in command, ordering him, although I try to speak only kindly, “please”, etc., I try to explain why this should be done, that there are certain rules, norms of behavior, but requests are still ignored, no matter how they are said . He shouts: “Why can you order me, but I can’t order you?!” He thinks that we are not praising him at all, although this is not true. He was always willful and disobedient, somewhat hyperactive, but when he was younger, he somehow managed to negotiate. He studies in the second grade, with grades "4" and "5", rarely "3", very successful in sports - gold medals and 1st place in sports acrobatics. I’ll also say that we live with my parents, we also have an eldest daughter, 17 years old, that is, there are a lot of adults, and everyone wants something from him (sit down for homework, help, don’t make noise, eat everything at lunch, wash your hands after going outside, etc.) .D). Perhaps this is the whole problem. But it turns out to be a vicious circle, you want to give the child time, to caress him, but he has already, for example, been rude to his grandmother. He most often has quarrels with his grandmother, because she really likes to command, she needs to do everything immediately and the first time. And it seems that we cannot tolerate this behavior of our son and his rudeness, because we have already missed something somewhere, that we allowed him to talk to us like that, and I understand that the child is moving away from us. It seems that this has been a prolonged crisis for 7 years and this behavior has become a habit for my son. Please tell me how to behave in this situation, how we can regain a good relationship with our son. Thank you in advance.

Good afternoon There can be a lot of reasons for this behavior: starting from some problems with school/with friends, ending with the situation in the family (maybe something has worsened recently, or there really is no opportunity to pay as much attention to your son as before). It's very individual. But the child’s reaction is quite specific - distance, confrontation with adults, disobedience. At the same time, the child openly and clearly asks for acceptance and love; it seems to him that there is less love and more demands. First of all, PARENTS must lead a clear line: “Yes, we can tell you what and how to do, because we are parents, and you cannot do this - we have different roles and tasks.” Offer, at a calm, appropriate moment (when the conflict subsides), to fantasize about how life would be like if such a “system” did not exist (it will be like a story, like a fairy tale). The child himself will understand what's what :). Conversations and praise on the matter are the right path to dialogue. At 8 years old, it’s still too early to talk about distance, this is more often a matter of adolescence, so try not to forget that he is still a child (from the point of view of both spending time and understanding of the world), but we do not cancel discipline and upbringing. If you are rude - don’t “miss the blow” - be sure to say at this moment “I don’t like the tone in which you speak to me, you can’t do that with me. Pull yourself together and then talk to me.” If he doesn’t understand, you can separate “in space” for a while and let him be with himself. Then, calmly, discuss what and why, and most importantly, HOW to ask/seek, etc. Formulate without labels, as if “from yourself” - “I understand that you may be in a bad mood, that you may not want to do something, but this does not mean that...”. The phrase “I love you very much, you are my son, and that’s why I can’t allow you to behave like this, I MUST teach/explain... to you...” helps a lot. Good luck, Svetlana.)

"I'm not needed"

Many parents have heard a phrase from a child that is confusing: “You don’t need me” or “You don’t love me!” But how can this be, because he is loved and, of course, needed. Where do such thoughts come from?

Several options are possible.

First of all, we are talking about situations when the child really began to receive less usual attention, warmth and care. For example, this often happens at the birth of a brother or sister; the parents’ attention suddenly has to be shared with someone else. There may be other situations - a new relationship with a mother, who until recently raised a child alone, parents leaving for work and careers, and so on. If the changes are drastic, the child has the feeling that the problem is with him, that he is no longer needed, we are not loved. This does not mean that you need to give up everything and focus only on the baby. Pay attention to how you spend time together. If this time is not enough, then it is very important that it passes correctly. It is better to neglect checking lessons or cleaning, and devote it to a walk together, a heart-to-heart conversation, fun games, something that will allow the child to feel your closeness and love.

. A child may feel unwanted if the mother is emotionally cold in communicating with him. Perhaps, in our adult understanding, love is, first of all, care, but a child feels love on an emotional level. A child can be provided with everything necessary, study in the best school, the mother takes care of him, but if at the same time she almost never hugs or kisses the child, she is not tender with him, if she is emotionally closed and always in her own thoughts, the child will feel that he is not needed and not loved. Behind such emotional isolation there are most often quite deep personal reasons of the mother, which are best dealt with together with a psychotherapist.

A feeling of uselessness also arises in children whose parents too often “get personal” in their upbringing, evaluating not the child’s actions, but the child himself. It also happens that parents even in plain text tell their child every now and then, without noticing it themselves: “I don’t need such a lazy person,” “I love kind boys, but I don’t like such evil ones,” and so on, thus placing parental love in dependence on the child's behavior. As a result, the child lives in constant fear of losing love, because he cannot do without pampering and mistakes. Repeat to your child often that you love him, no matter what, just for being him. When making comments, be sure to focus on specific actions and never manipulate love. “If you behave badly, I’ll give you to that guy,” seems quite harmless, but such an effective technique to calm the baby. But in reality, he begins to behave better simply out of fear of losing his mother, and his lack of confidence in his own neediness becomes more and more stronger with each such episode.

Make sure that your communication with your child is not built only around his studies, cleaning the room and other everyday issues. We feel that we are loved when they are sincerely interested in our feelings and experiences, when they share our interests, consider them important, when they listen to us and treat our opinions with respect. All this is important for a child, regardless of age.

And finally, no matter what, do not forget to tell your child about your love often. “Of course I love him!” - any parent will answer. It seems natural and obvious to us. But for a child this is not the case until we express our love directly and openly. This is very important even for seemingly independent teenagers, not to mention kids. Find a moment every day for kind words, and your child will never say with offense: “I don’t need you!”

In the midst of a showdown, when it’s already difficult for you to contain the explosion of accumulated negative energy, loved, cared for, pampered and surrounded by all possible care the child tells you that he doesn’t love you (or even hates you). That it would be better if he had another mother or if he were an orphan (etc. statements that vary depending on the gender, age and fantasy of the child/teenager).

Let's look at the correct and incorrect options for mother's reactions:

1. the very first, uncontrolled and immediate - “ punish the scoundrel"(quote from “The Marriage of Figaro” by P. Beaumarchais): hit, grab by the ear, by the hair, pinch, slap, etc. - what other tortures are used on defenseless children by parents who consider themselves their own offspring. Stop! This will not solve the problem; on the contrary, it will make it worse.. Especially there is no use in beating a child on the verge or already hysterical. Only with calmness and patience you can relieve the “fit”;
2. yell at a child scold for “impudence”, “ungratefulness” and “rudeness”. Express all complaints over the past year: about disobedience and things, unlearned lessons and missed classes, about excessive viewing and 24/7 use... Stop! This is the wrong reaction. Exhale, be silent, and best of all, leave the “battlefield”, leave the room at least to the kitchen. Drink water, mint tea, wash your face and hands with cool water. After a few minutes, if the child is not ashamed and does not come to “make peace” himself, you will be able to pull yourself together and resolve the problem;
3. let on oneself indifferent look, raise your eyebrows in surprise or curl your lips contemptuously and say something like: “I don’t really need your love” or “I don’t love you myself,” etc. nonsense. Stop! and the outcast, with his “cry”, asks for your help, attention, affection. By pushing him away, mirroring his negativity, you multiply the problem a hundredfold. Each of the offended will withdraw into strict solitude. will be full of bitter complaints and grievances, and psychologically everything will result in an inferiority complex and the loss of a common language with parents;
4. find out the reason for the “dislike”. This reaction is more balanced and almost entirely correct. Reasons could be like global(for example, the child blames you for the departure of his beloved dad; the child suffers from loneliness or because you are busy with “more important things”) and superficial(bad mood, low grade at school, friend didn’t share candy, ran out of energy). When the “heat of passion” fades away, you will discuss, analyze, talk and advise child, how to get out of a serious situation for him. In the meantime, the best thing is...
5. … grab a resting, squirming, aggressive baby in an armful, hug tight, kiss and tell him in his ear that you love him! Regardless of behavior, grades, number of friends, etc. Simply because he exists in the world. Because he is yours, the one and only, unique and the very best. AND hold the child in your arms until he “thaws”, “goes limp” and cuddles up to you like a kitten.