How to distinguish love from love addiction. How to distinguish mature love from emotional dependence? Symptoms that characterize addiction

Love or addiction?

How to distinguish love, or healthy, secure attachment from unhealthy, pathological attachment? In other words, what is the difference between happy love and unhappy love?

Let's listen to Natalya. This is a young, very attractive woman with a higher education. Successful in her business, wealthy, economically independent. She is 31. Never been married. She says: “I am chronically unlucky in love. I don't understand what the reason is. My character is flexible, they even say pleasant. I am sociable, cheerful, I can liven up the fun in company, I love dancing, and I do fitness. I'm watching my figure. Men like me. I also like men - serious, respectable, smart and temperamental.

Recently I had another romance, as always, short-lived, we knew each other for about four months. At first everything went well. He showed interest in me, I liked him too. I didn’t notice when and how it happened that he became dearer to me than anything in the world. I got stuck on it. Yes, I called him too often. Yes, I didn’t hide the fact that he is everything to me! I took upon myself all his affairs, I was overwhelmed with his problems. I tolerated him paying less and less attention to me. In the evenings I could hardly restrain myself from calling him. I sat and stupidly waited for the call. I think he knew what state I was in. He stopped calling completely. We broke up".

Natasha had several novels that followed a similar scenario. At first they like each other about equally. Then inspiration comes: “This is him!” Natasha can’t help herself, she hangs on him. She throws her interests, her affairs and even her friends somewhere. She simply doesn’t think about anything else other than her lover. Her love resembles an obsession, an addiction. She absorbs the man with her attention. He can’t breathe, he has no psychological space left for his life. His borders are violated, she invades him as an occupier, tries to subjugate him. Its borders also came to a state of collapse. But he leaves. She “smothered” him in her arms.

Natasha's grief is limitless. She believes that life is over. Until a new love breaks out, it hurts to look at Natasha. The eyes fade, the figure loses its athleticism. From a distance it is clear that she “has no one.” Finally, a new meeting... and everything repeats itself.

Does Natalia's condition remind you of alcohol addiction? Euphoria, depression. Ups and downs. The insatiable need for love is like the insatiable need for alcohol. Fatal addiction.

There is even a word such as “any-aholism” by analogy with alcoholism. “Any-holics” always lack the warmth that their partner gives. They cannot accept the fact that there are two separate "I"s; they want there to be a single "we".

And this means internal lack of freedom, dependence. If a person is dependent, he faces the danger of becoming unhappy. If the beloved weakens his love a little, suffering begins. And if he cheats, he leaves... The severity of the condition of the abandoned woman in this case resembles the state of withdrawal of the substance to which an addiction has developed. Hangover syndrome. It takes a sip of the same thing - new love in one case, alcohol in another - to make it easier.

Just as alcoholism is a relapsing disease, that is, it is repeated, so the scenario of “addiction of any kind” is repeated. An alcoholic makes a vow - that's enough, you need to quit. An abandoned woman can also tell herself: “That’s it, I won’t fall in love again. There is only suffering from this love.”

This is an attempt to get rid of unhappy love on a rational level. The attempt fails because our subconscious powerfully rebels against it. Ideas about one’s dependence, helplessness and uselessness only intensify.

And well-wishers friends whisper: “Look at him. Is he worthy of your tears? Hatred arises. It was like a switch had been flipped. There was love and suddenly - time! And hatred. This is another misfortune.

Until there is an indifferent, indifferent, calmly neutral attitude towards the person who brought suffering, happiness will not be seen. There will be no recovery. Like alcoholism. While the attraction to vodka is strong, no vows, no horror stories, no coding will help. Recovery is possible when deactualization of desire is achieved. In simple words, when you are no longer painfully drawn to alcohol.

If harmony reigns in a person’s soul, then love, no matter how strong it is, does not compete with other attractions. On the contrary, healthy love seems to multiply all internal forces - it nourishes creativity, reveals talents, gives special depth to friendship, care for children and loved ones.

With love addiction, relationships with men occupy an inordinately large place in life and crowd out and devalue everything else. Isn't that how alcohol rules the life of an alcoholic, crowding out or absorbing all other interests? Unhappy love is characterized by altered, displaced experiences. Why did Natasha get so involved in the problems of her beloved man that she even left her friends? If he calls, she is able to cancel any other meeting, any planned business.

The stereotypical and repetitive nature of the situation is reminiscent of the characteristics of alcoholism. When a non-alcoholic person goes to a party, it is impossible to predict in advance how he will behave there. It is possible that he will drink a lot. But this is optional. Everything will depend on the mood, on what kind of company will gather.

The behavior of an alcoholic at a party can be calculated in advance by hours and minutes, from the first glass until the moment when he becomes unbearable and they begin to send him away. There are women whose fate can also be calculated in advance.

No matter what bitter days a mentally healthy, emotionally mature woman has to go through, the future always lies with her. She can plan it. And her circumstances change, a new person meets, life can go differently. The most important indicator of mental health is a wide, multivariate mode of life activity.

The life of a woman suffering from love addiction is a non-stop, exhausting search for a man who will “give her everything.” He, according to her expectations, will completely turn her destiny around, even in the case where there is no need for a revolution.

In any human union, and in love too, each of the participants must go their half way towards meeting the other. “Any-holics”, in their uncontrollable impulse, rush to run the entire distance - for themselves and for their partner.

As a rule, they have little understanding of what the problem is. Often they even see advantages in their ability to love. They believe that only selected women can love like this. This is their natural psychological defense that helps them live. It also prevents you from looking at failures soberly and trying to save yourself.

One of the significant differences between women capable of healthy love, a satisfying relationship for both partners, and women suffering from love addiction is the quality of self-esteem in both. Healthy women, capable of love, value their mind, their qualities, their spiritual wealth, their personality. They value themselves, and do not wait for someone else to appreciate them from the outside. These women know what they want from life and what they can do for themselves. Ask them to write a plan for their life for the next 5 years - this task will not be difficult for them. Overall, they envision their lives. They are able to make active efforts to implement their life plan.

Women who are prone to addiction usually crave outside recognition. For them, only the assessment of other people somewhat satisfies them and feeds their unstable self-esteem. “If I don’t become a wife, I will feel like a failed person,” said one quite worthy woman. This woman considered herself valuable only next to a man. Only a man could provide her with a feeling of safety and security, a feeling of “I’m okay.” She thought that without the support of a man she could not even exist.

Healthy women are characterized by emotional maturity. They can use all their senses. They can endure suffering and loneliness associated with spiritual growth. They feel good alone with themselves. They know the answer to the question: “Who am I?”

They have well-developed self-discipline - they can postpone gratification of desires. They have a more constant mood. Their amplitude of fluctuations of fate is not so great.

In dependent women, despite the intensity of their suffering, their feelings are still superficial, their reactions are immature, like those of a teenager. They can neither wait nor choose a worthy partner. Feelings often change, and swing them from hell to heaven. It’s as if it doesn’t matter to them who they depend on. If only there was someone. They have poor self-discipline. They cannot put off satisfying their desires until later. Just like children.

Perhaps this happens because from childhood they have a feeling of emptiness and a hunger for attention. They strive to fill their inner emptiness as soon as possible, to satisfy their hunger for attention. A hungry man does not shop well. He hurries and grabs whatever he comes across. These women throw their best qualities to the wind; even honesty with themselves is not the highest value. And “holes in the soul” are formed. Some part of the personality is lost, integrity is lost, there is no sense of identity. They define "Who am I?" only through relationships.

If healthy women actively build their lives, then dependent women take a passive position. They look at a man and even at children as the source of their happiness and completeness of existence. If the “anyoholics” are not happy, then they hold others responsible for this: “He is to blame, he ruined my youth!” As a result, they are endlessly angry and feel defeated, destroyed and even more empty. Only disappointments. Perhaps the root of the problem is lack of self-sufficiency.

In reality, no one can make another person happy. A person with high self-sufficiency is characterized by the feeling “I am worthy (worthy) of love and therefore loved (loved).” This will happen as long as a woman is true to herself, as long as she values ​​herself as she is.

In dependent people, this logic is perverted: “I am loved, which means I am worthy of love.” The very ability to cause affection is made dependent on external circumstances - on the attitude of a particular person. It seems to fill the deficit of “I”.

Mature, independent individuals have long been psychologically separated from their parents and can now form a new emotional attachment. When they build a family, the division of roles in the family is not as strict as that of addicts. Members of a healthy family can change roles. This reduces their interdependence. At the same time, this is training for survival alone, in case of loss of a partner.

It is very difficult for dependent persons to separate themselves from their parents, change a job that has been boring for a long time, and even devote themselves to entertainment and find their own hobby. The loss of a partner is so terrible for them that they cannot even bear to prepare for it. It is very difficult for them to practice reducing dependence. It pains them to give more freedom to another. Therefore, the roles in such a family are solid, ossified, rigid.

Dependent people even strive to increase infantile interdependence rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom. Women pointedly refuse to acquire new skills. They hope to bind their partner to themselves with their helplessness. Their position is passive waiting, without their own efforts. They want to receive love and care. Their “give” and “take” are not balanced; the desire to take prevails.

The inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “droitism” of a loved one is very common among such women. True, they do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering.

On an intellectual level, other people exist for them. But on a deeper level, for them, other people are only a reflection of their feminine existence. In the depths of her soul, the whole world is herself.

The sea splashes between the shores of the souls of loving people. Sometimes it's good to be close, but not very close. Otherwise, psychological tightness arises and there is no space for the development of each partner. One oak tree does not grow in the shade of another.

If it were so easy to get rid of love addiction, probably a good half of literature, art, songs, and romances would not exist. And yet, each of us chooses for ourselves - to suffer and suffer with or without reason or to be free.

Margaret Beatty, in her book on codependency, gives the following characteristics of love and love addiction (addiction). She believes that love arises in an open system of relationships, and addiction - in a closed one. We will talk further about the systems in which we live.

Comparison of the characteristics of love and unhealthy addiction (according to M. Beatty, 1997):

The collapse of the relationship of love and unhealthy addiction (according to M. Beatty, 1997):

True love is never unhappy.

True love is never unhappy. It can give a bitter experience, bring resentment or disappointment, but all this will contribute to the further development of the individual. At the same time, immature love makes both partners dependent on the relationship, when one perceives the other as a thing: “you owe me,” “I can’t live without you,” “be the way I want!”

Alas, modern society, with its consumerist attitude towards people, has long replaced one concept with another. Today, infantile love has practically replaced a truly deep feeling, a partner is no longer required to take life seriously, friendly sex, relationships without obligations, egocentrism and emotional dependence are encouraged. Quarrels, separations, convenient and inconvenient, complexes and fears that they project onto each other... how to see the real behind all this?

Here are five facts that will help you figure out which feelings are true and noble, and where dependent relationships come into play.

1. Lack of idealization of the partner

Infantile love looks at the world through the eyes of a child: “he is the best,” “the woman of my dreams,” “the ideal couple.” Thus, there is constant idealization, the purpose of which is to increase the feeling of euphoria in the relationship, to increase one’s own self-esteem (“since I got such half, I’m wow!”). Well, then inevitable disappointment sets in, because not a single person can live up to all the expectations placed on him. True love comes when both see themselves in the present light, accept each other's negative sides without trying to change them.

2. Maintaining a sense of “I”

It is a mistake to believe that true love erases the boundaries between lovers, which means that it is normal to think with one head, feel with one heart and use the coherent “we” everywhere. In fact, only partners who are dependent on each other tend to go everywhere together, use the same toothbrush, share a page on social networks, and generally lose themselves in each other’s interests. Adults reserve the right to personal space, respect the values ​​of their loved ones, without giving up their “I”. They are not together, but close.

3. Giving up control

Behind the attempt to control the object of love there is a lot hidden: the desire to possess a loved one, the fear of being abandoned, imaginary mistrust. Of course, it is much safer to monitor his every step, impose his will on her (“I don’t want to see you with him!”), dictate your demands. However, restricting freedom has never led to anything good. True love does not force, but respects the choice and sense of freedom of the other.

4. Relationships as equals

In a mature relationship, both partners know how to accept responsibility and also respect each other's personality, while a dependent relationship is not equal in nature, somewhat reminiscent of the “child-parent” model of behavior. For example, one partner plays the role of a naughty child, while the other plays the role of a caring and protective parent. Or they try to please each other in every possible way, and then forcefully dump all the ins and outs of their “grievances” on a third party. In a mature relationship, this form of play excludes itself; both partners are able to independently sort out problems without washing dirty linen in public.

5. Ability to be self-sufficient

And the main thing that distinguishes dependent relationships from independent ones is the ability to remain alone with yourself and your thoughts, to be happy even when your loved one is not around. If one of the partners, in the absence of his half, switches off, stops taking care of himself, achieving some of his own goals, or enjoying life - such a relationship cannot be called ideal. Dependent lovers cannot imagine life without each other. Mature people can do without a couple, but the minutes spent together make their happiness even more complete: “I can do it myself, but it’s better with you!”

As we can see, the main difference is the result: dependent relationships level the personality and destroy the integrity of a person, while true love appreciates the uniqueness of the partner and accepts his world unconditionally. What kind of love do you profess?

What associations do you have when you hear the word “Love”?

Everyone has their own understanding of this term. Many of us agree that love is giving and brings joy. But where then do such proverbs come from: “love is evil and you will love a goat”? Most often, love is confused with psychological dependence on a partner. So how can you distinguish love from psychological dependence? To understand the differences between them, let's first talk about what addiction is.

Psychological dependence:

Psychologists say that the root of any addiction is fear of the real world and low self-esteem.

The first symptom of love addiction is pronounced jealousy, mistrust, and fear of being abandoned. Also, if a relationship with a partner leads to us forgetting about the existence of other people nearby, losing interest in work and hobbies, these can be considered alarm bells.

Many artistic and scientific works have been written about this feeling, so it is impossible to cover all its diversity. We will only point out its characteristic features.

Love relationships are always voluntary, they contain a minimum of fear and a maximum of mutual enjoyment of what is happening. Secondly, true love inspires us to develop and makes us happy. Thanks to this feeling, we become better, we have more strength. Love allows us to see and accept a person as he is and respect his right to choose.

Differences between love and addiction

How to get rid of love addiction?

Psychologists believe that one of the reasons for falling into love addiction is a feeling of personal inferiority. It is this that is the factor that makes you “stuck in suffering”, anxious and afraid of losing your partner.

Love addiction appears within three weeks of a relationship. It seems to a person that he can stop them at any second. Then he tells himself that he doesn't want to do this. And after two months, complete dependence sets in, when a person is unable to end the relationship, no matter how failed it may be. Even when a partner begins to behave aggressively, offends, insults, it is still difficult for a person to part with him.

Your happiness no longer depends on you, but on the behavior of another person. You become a victim of “love”.

Increase self-esteem

“Remember what you were like before you met your partner: what did you love, what did you do in your free time? It's time to understand yourself and realize your worth." And if, while thinking about this point, for example, the following thought flashes through your head: “I was once so cheerful and cheerful! Every week I went to the pool, the gym, had a massage, and read dozens of books during the week. But over time, there was not enough time for all this.” You are on the right track. Gradually, step by step, begin to return to your “previous happy life.”

Throw yourself into work

Keep yourself busy with things to do at work. You'll see, you won't have time to worry. The main thing is to make a clear plan of what you need to do in a day, week, month...

Love yourself

To love yourself means to learn to pamper yourself! Spend money on yourself: buy something you like, or visit a beauty salon, etc.

Expand your social circle

Move and don't get discouraged

To distract yourself from bad thoughts, run a cross-country race in the morning or at least start doing exercises in the morning. This will put your figure in order and charge you with energy and vigor for the rest of the day.

The most important thing is to understand what is happening to you, what your behavior pattern is and to know how to increase your self-esteem. You will learn to be happy, regardless of your partner's attitude towards you.