Hello. Please help with your professional advice. I really need help, I'm desperate.
Together for 5 years, 2 of which - in a civil marriage. The first 2-3 years were the best in my life and in his opinion. He proposed to me two years ago.
The last years were difficult: I lost my grandfather, my beloved cats, my father had gunshot wounds, incurable health problems appeared (both for me and for him). The problems that arose in my head only strengthened the understanding that this is my man, I wanted support and I received it. Everything became stronger, I decided that this is my ideal man, with whom I want to live my whole life and have children, we planned it like that once. I worked through all the dissatisfaction of the “everyday life” and what irritated me in it - and in the end everything stopped annoying me, after acceptance, only a feeling of love remained (not candy-bouquet, but deep, strong). I realized that I had learned to appreciate this person and nothing prevented my feelings from getting stronger even more.
The husband saved up money, quit his job to take a break. I slept until dinner, played computer games until the evening. At that time I worked at home (remotely), cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaned the apartment. We spent the time that was free with me. I had needs for money that my husband could not satisfy because he did not work (for health, for parents), but he always had enough for an apartment and food. I did not have time and energy to have fun like him, we started to move away. At some point, when he was sitting sad, I came up to cheer up, saying that he was the best man. In response, he said: “I no longer have feelings for you, those that I had before. Maybe there are, but they are not like that, and if I exist, then deeply. There is admiration and respect, friendship. And I experienced this even before the marriage proposal, because I thought that the ring would change everything. From that moment on, my world collapsed.
Then it turned out that he had waves of unrequited love for a girl who had not shared his feelings for 5 years and would not share him (that's for sure). + that he was annoyed by "everyday life", then I began to annoy. I packed my things - for the first time in 5 years he burst into tears, said that he realized that he loves and asked to start over. But everything HAS REPEATED - again there are no feelings for me. I have, and now they're destroying me.
What should I do? How to help yourself and him? I can't imagine life without this person. I see my depressive state (I went to my mother and sobbed all week from morning to morning, I feel that everything is only worse) and his apathetic, his unfulfilled relationships, his ignorance of the goal in life. We discussed our problem in great detail, I see that he is lost and I want to help him. For us, first of all, but if not for us, then at least to understand a clear position towards me. If he had told me for sure that I was indifferent to him, perhaps I could have left. But the hope that he is just confused and I should help him does not allow him to leave.
Thank you very much for your help.
Natalya Kaptsova
Reading time: 7 minutes
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The situation when parents do not like their daughter's boyfriend is not uncommon - even Romeo and Juliet suffered from parental misunderstanding. And in the modern world there are the same unfortunate couples.
Why is this happening? After all, everyone knows and accepts the fact that this is the daughter’s choice, and the girl, and not her parents, will have to spend her life with a young man.
Reasons why parents may not like your fiancé - so why are parents against a guy?
There is no smoke without fire. If the parents don’t like the guy, perhaps something is really wrong with him.
Parents are wiser by life experience, and therefore each situation is understood differently. You may be under the influence of a strong love that closes your eyes. A parents see all the shortcomings and possible outcomes of your relationship.
They always want the best for their child, so often have excessive demands on young people.
- Parents may think that the girl is too young, even if she is over 20. If the daughter is less than 18, and the guy is much older than her, then such a relationship can scare not only parents. After all, a girl cannot yet objectively assess the attitude of a young man towards her, and he can take advantage of her naivety. Nothing good will come of it.
- Also, the groom may not like the parents if he is many years older than even an adult girl. For example, when she is 25 and he is over 35. This is not always bad, the main thing is to explain it to parents correctly. Read also:
- The dark past of the young man does not add a good attitude towards him. If he broke the law, was a drug addict, or led an immoral lifestyle, then there may be fears that such a guy will not bring anything good in union with his daughter. The girl suffers with him and her life, and happiness will be destroyed.
- Since the beginning of your relationship you lead a lifestyle that is unpleasant for your parents. You come home late, walk often, drink a lot, or don't show up at all. Dropped out of work or school. This cannot but cause bad emotions.
- Maybe, the young man has serious shortcomings, which you because of "blind love" do not see. Maybe he treats you rudely, is too jealous, ruffles your nerves, and your parents see your suffering. Maybe he drinks a lot or he is an avid and gambler, spending all his time on parties, clubs or entertainment.
- Or maybe the parents are just overreacting. It is believed that a person without education or with financial problems is not like their daughter. They want to see next to her only a handsome, successful, intelligent young man who will groom and cherish his wife, giving her diamonds and furs.
What to do if parents are against a guy - we become wiser and look for compromises
- Trying to understand parents , because they are not strangers to you, and they only want the best. If the reason is that they do not want to give you the necessary share of freedom and independence, then you need to explain that you are already an adult and understand what your actions can lead to. Those. give yourself a full account of your actions - this will reassure your parents.
Becoming an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. . Know that if you make a mistake, then you will have to rake the results yourself.
- Maybe the guy is really "defective"? And he does not respect you, and creates a lot of problems. Then do you need it at all? You need to look at your soul mate in a new way.
- Perhaps parents do not notice his positive qualities. Then you should tell them about them. Why do you love and respect him? Why are you with him and not with someone else.
Useful advice: The first meeting with parents must be experienced. Many parents do not like the guy the first time. Because they are greeted by clothes, but they are escorted by the mind. Later, they will realize that he is a good person and a worthy choice for you. You just need to let the parents cool down and calm down.
- Try talking to your parents : to find out what exactly did not like in a young man. And think about how to fix it - if possible.
- Find something in common between parents and boyfriend . People like people who are like them. Perhaps, like dad, the guy loves fishing or loves to cook, like mom. Or maybe he prefers the same music or books as his parents and loves old movies.
- If there was an open conflict with expressing their opinions to each other, then you need to reconcile the parties, and the guy should make the first step because he is at least younger.
What absolutely can not be done if the parents are against the groom - wise advice for wise girls
- You can't fight your parents , to do out of spite, including getting pregnant. Pregnancy cannot solve a single problem - be it misunderstanding, saving the family from collapse, late marriage. Everything will only get worse. Misunderstanding will escalate, and the hassle will increase a hundred times.
- You can't blackmail your parents , including his death, running away from home. This will not add parental love to your boyfriend. They will simply hate him, because he is the cause of a quarrel in the family.
- Quarrel with parents , demand that they change their attitude: “Why don't you like him? He's good!", "You have to accept him - that's my choice." Just as you cannot love by order, so you cannot change your attitude at the command of another person.
- You can't complain about a guy to your parents . After a quarrel, you make peace and forget the grievances, but they do not. They don't like someone hurting their child. The instinct to protect offspring also works at the level of relationships.
- Don't leave a guy if you really love him. Parents can bias a person. They might just be wrong. But, if you are sure that he is your destiny, then you need to fight for him.
The only "BUT": If the girl is still very young - under 16-19 years old, then she needs to follow the advice of her parents and not go against them. Of course, all ages are submissive to love, but you should listen to your parents, because they have age, experience and life wisdom on their side.
If you do not listen to their advice, then you can fill a lot of cones. stay at least with a broken heart and at most with a ruined fate . And then bitterly regret your stupidity and distrust of adults, who were still right.
What would you do in a situation where the parents are against the groom? We will be grateful for your opinion!
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. My name is Amir. I am 21 years old. I have a girlfriend, she is 20 years old. We study together at the same university and in the same group. She lives alone here. She has an apartment, but her parents live far away. The distance is about 300 km from our house. Also, her uncle lives here, who works in the administration of our university. We are very kind to each other. Before, she spoke about me, about my family to her mother and sister, besides my father. Her father is harsh. So, we decided to tell her uncle and she told him to help us be together. We don't know what he said to her mother. It looks like he said something bad about me and now her mother is against it. We think he's greedy. And how for two weeks now she hasn't spoken to her mother. Once she called her mother but she hung up without saying a word. Because of which? Because her uncle infected everyone. We are each other's. And what do we do now? How to be? Once dad visited her uncle, he told about our family and that we want to go to woo. He said we'll see. And after a conversation between my father and her uncle, her mother became against it. There is also her older sister who wants her to marry her husband's brother. She also infected everyone and she is also greedy and called her mother and pretended that she was crying and said, mother why are you not on my side, why do you disagree with me. Well, now they're all against it. But what if we any each other. My parents agree, but they don't want us to be together. Due to the distance from our house, only some 300 km. What to do? What advice?
The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.
Amir, hello!
Something tells me that there are some cultural nuances that I may not know about (because I probably don’t know where you are from, what faith you are, etc.). I will answer as a psychologist. Although, I repeat, it seems to me that your question is not from the field of psychology. And from the area of the council of authoritative personalities. Psychologists do not give advice, it is not their job. It's up to you to decide how to proceed.
And to act in any situation and culture - you need to honorably. I did not understand anything about "greedy", which you mention more than once. Is it about money?... If so, no one owes you anything. Your job is to learn, so learn. The parents pay for it. And "to love" is already your business to pay, like men. If you can't, then it's time for something else.
I don't know how to help you further. I do not know what you need to do so that her parents are not against you. Perhaps you need to convince yourself that you are an adult and are able to take responsibility not only for yourself, but also for your bride? Parents never mind their children being happy. If someone is against it, then he doubts that you are the person who will make their girl happy. Prove it's not. There are no simple and easy ways. Adult life is like that - it's more hard work than happy doing nothing.
Perhaps it is too early for you to think about the wedding. Perhaps it would be wiser for both to learn, and then build a family? Think about it. What can you give to your wife now (when she becomes one)?
You need to look not for answers, but to learn how to ask questions correctly. Then everything will become much clearer.
Our ideas about a person often do not coincide with what other people think about him. In assessing a person, we proceed from many factors, for most of which we cannot rationally answer. We may like him because he has blue eyes, outstanding knowledge of architecture and tall stature. For another person, all these qualities can have a purely negative connotation.
Disagreement in the evaluation of a person is often encountered when parents are opposed to the marriage of their children. The situation is familiar to many. A daughter or son finds the love of their life, they soon start living together and want to get married. Parents, instead of providing support, look askance at the chosen one, enter into conflicts with him and in every possible way oppose the wedding.
What are the reasons for this behaviour? Your dad and mom may not even know it themselves. It’s just that on a subconscious level, it seems to them that you and your partner are not suitable for each other, that he will ruin your life and nothing good will come of you. Your subjective love collides with no less subjective dislike of your parents.
Of course, sometimes parents know better. Rich life experience, hardships experienced and a long practice of living together indicate that they understand something in the relationship between people. It is possible that they see in your chosen one something that escaped your gaze.
Talk to them
Ask your parents to explain what they think is wrong. If they cannot do this, then most likely there is no logical justification for their hostility. Let's remember how we ourselves sometimes evaluate people. How often does a thoughtful and balanced decision become the cause of such feelings? Most likely, your answer will be negative. Sympathy for a person most often arises spontaneously, and only after a while we get the opportunity to explain it to ourselves. In the case of hostility, this awareness often simply does not reach. History and literature know many examples of an irreconcilable struggle between people and peoples who did not really understand why they hated each other.
Stock up on patience
Perhaps you should just trust the elders and cancel the wedding if the parents are against relationships and marriage? In no case. After all, absolutely everyone can be mistaken, and even when it comes to strong feelings and close people, even the most wise person with experience and age can make a mistake. In addition, you will have to live with your chosen one, not your parents. Therefore, first of all, it should be your own choice.
If the opinion of your parents is still extremely important to you, then you should try to change the situation. The main thing here is to arm yourself with patience. In the end, if you are sure that your chosen one really deserves love, then your parents will not be able to resist for long. Do your best to show your parents that you made the right choice. Tell me about the good qualities of your lover, how he cares about you, how much he means in your life. If it's about prejudices - social or cultural - try to show how wrong and biased they are. Don't be afraid to make direct contact between the conflicting parties - give them the opportunity to discuss their differences, to better understand who they are dealing with. Let your beloved be the first to meet his parents - this noble and courageous gesture will be a plus for him.
Don't forget that in the end, parents only want us to be happy. And if their ideas about your happiness diverge from your own, then you just need to talk to them.
If you are in love with a girl, and after meeting your parents, they oppose her, you should not make scandals and say that you choose not them, but her. Remember that parents are the most precious people in your life (of course, before you have children of your own), so in such a situation, you should by no means give up on them. Be wiser. Talk to mom and dad, explain to them how much you love them and respect their opinion, but they should also listen to your emotions and feelings. Tell your parents about how many good qualities your soulmate has and find out what exactly they don’t like about her. Most likely, they will answer your question, you will understand what causes their caution. After that, you can arrange a conversation with your favorite girl and explain to her that your parents are not happy with some points in her behavior. If she truly loves you, she will definitely make an effort to change and please your family. Maybe she has some bad habits that she will have to give up for the sake of your future together, or, for example, she behaves too liberated, which can also be easily corrected.
Why might parents not like a girl?
Understand that negativity towards your significant other can be caused by various reasons. The first of them is banal jealousy. It's just that your relatives are afraid that with the beginning of a serious relationship, you will stop paying attention to them, and you will spend all your free time only with your passion. Surround your parents with attention and care, let them understand that despite the appearance of another person in your life, they will still forever remain the closest and dearest people to you.
The second reason for parental hostility to the girl is the negative statements of society about her and her family. If before that, mom and dad did not have time to get to know your soulmate, correct the situation and, as soon as possible, arrange their meeting. Let them communicate with the person to whom you gave your heart and make sure that all the words spoken by third parties are just rumors, not confirmed by real facts. From this acquaintance you will also get one more plus - your parents will understand that you not only trust them, but also treat your beloved with complete seriousness, and do not consider your relationship with her to be another affair.
