What if the feelings are not mutual?
Forget, leave, renounce or live?
How to erase this name from the heart,
So as not to suffer, not to cry, not to love?
Unrequited love - a lot is embedded in this phrase: the desire to be together with the object of your love, faith in mutual feelings and pain. The person is not ready to move on and pay attention to other people. When feelings are sincere and mutual, it remains to rejoice and be happy, share love with each other and with others. But if love is unrequited ... What to do? How did it happen? Almost everyone asks these questions. Let's try to figure it out - let's start with the concept of "unrequited love."
What is unrequited love?
If a person has a strong feeling for someone who does not reciprocate, this is unrequited love. Such a feeling, according to statistics, happens more often in youth. The reason for this: self-doubt, maximalism, a tendency to suffering - an ideal soil for the development of a one-sided feeling. But the older a person becomes, the better he understands himself. Most of the complexes go away, including the unconscious desire for disappointment in love. And yet there are people who, even over the years, are in search of this feeling and cannot get rid of it. In fact, this behavior has its own reasons, and this will be discussed further.
We will consider the story of one girl who is 24 years old, and she still cannot get rid of this feeling that weighs on her. We do not name at her request.
“On the threshold of another winter. Soon a wonderful holiday - New Year! Consequently, new acquaintances, interesting stories and unforgettable adventures. But the memories from the past life will remain for a long time. What scares me the most is: what if forever! How many unpleasant moments I have in my memory ... I remember how long I was afraid to confess my love, and now, this day has come, I did it! All in vain, because I heard a negative answer, negative emotions. At first he tolerated me, my gifts, courtship, but then his patience snapped - he told me: “I never loved you and I can’t love you anymore. Get away from me, please!" Of course we stopped talking. Several years have passed, I tried to forget him, made new acquaintances, plunged into work, even began to attend yoga. Last year I decided to write to him, I was very surprised that he answered quite kindly. After communication, I had hope for love, for mutual love. But this was not enough for me, I wanted a family and children. It felt like I had become even more attached to him during my absence. Once again, everything was destroyed, because she could not open up and trust, she was afraid. I don't know if we'll meet again, but I love him very much. I think it’s worth contacting a psychologist with this problem, maybe he will help me. ”
What is the reason that a person experiences a one-sided feeling after a long time? There is a kind of propensity for this in people who have low self-esteem, who are afraid of real life or people who have not received a model of a happy family. Parents were not able to demonstrate mutual, trusting relationships by personal example. There are those who are afraid of any changes, it is hard for them to disrupt the way of life. They are already used to this feeling and do not want to change anything. There are times when a person does not understand himself well, he does not know what he needs. Therefore, cannot choose a partner. From the foregoing, we can conclude: whoever experiences a one-sided feeling for years, the reason for this is a tendency to this. But if you set a goal for yourself - to get rid of unrequited love, then when working with a psychologist, you can change everything, find a person who really loves you, the way you are.
We decided to talk to a psychologist about this topic so that he would give advice. How to survive? How not to be hurt again by unrequited love?
Catherine- Practicing psychologist, author of many articles. Ekaterina conducts individual receptions, in her busy schedule she found time for us.
Ekaterina, what do you think about unrequited love?
Everyone understands that love is a wonderful feeling. After all, it inspires a person, gives meaning to life. This is when the feelings are mutual. Otherwise, if the object does not share them with you, the heart is torn from longing, nothing pleases. And in this state it is very difficult to understand that we ourselves are the cause of our suffering.
Unrequited love is always unhappy?
This is a difficult experience, but a good engine of spiritual development. You can suffer and be happy, or it can be the other way around. It all depends on the level of love.
What motivates a person to unrequited love?
Agree, the choice of the object of love occurs at an unconscious level. Often a person sets himself a goal - to achieve everything, that is, he is driven by the illusion of attainability. He does not think what kind of love it will be.
How to find a cure for this feeling, what to do?
It is better to deal with this individually with a psychologist. The answer to this question may vary from case to case. Together with a psychologist, you need to go the way, doing work on understanding and awareness of internal conflicts. Do not waste time on those who are indifferent to you!
How to survive unrequited love?
First of all, do not forget that, although unconsciously, it is your choice. Stay alone, do not make new acquaintances, do not build relationships, freeze in one place. And until a person realizes this choice, he will love and suffer. Here are some tips for getting over a one-sided feeling.
Love is not always divided.
When feelings are mutual, it remains only to rejoice and share love with each other, with others.
But if unrequited love arises, not everyone understands what to do. Let's figure out what this concept means.
Interpretation of unrequited love
If a person has a deep feeling for someone who does not reciprocate, this is unrequited love.
You can talk about unrequited love, when the lover hinted at feelings or even confessed them, but in return did not receive a promise or even a hint of reciprocity.
Non-reciprocal love, according to statistics, more often happens at a young age: 14-25 years old, but situations can be different.
What to do?
Psychologists constantly talk about what to do if unrequited love. This condition is very dangerous, often people fall into despair and deep depression.
In fact, there is no need to upset, emotional torment in this situation is inevitable. The right approach will help to overcome them quickly and efficiently.
Tips from psychologists on what to do in case of non-reciprocal love:
- In the case of unrequited love, what to do, psychologists say: accept the situation as it is.
You can give yourself time to suffer and feel sorry for yourself, but you can’t walk away from the situation.
However, suffering also needs to be set boundaries so as not to go headlong into it. - Many people know what unrequited love is, but not everyone knows what sublimation is.
Although it is sublimation that will help to survive a difficult period.
It is necessary to occupy yourself with mental and physical labor to the maximum. You can throw out your emotions in horseback riding, rock climbing, hang gliding.
You need to look for sports and activities that will help you cope with stress. - Proper nutrition and a healthy lifestyle to relieve energy stress. A sauna or bath, a massage course will help.
These procedures help to remove toxins from the body, and with them the experienced negative emotions, pain and clamps go away. - Self-improvement through art. Many psychologists advise to do something creative. Start sculpting with clay, try to depict your feelings with paint, start listening to classical music.
By the way, many great masterpieces in all areas of art were created precisely during the period of great mental suffering of their authors.
In how to forget unrequited love, new acquaintances can help. But you should not resort to this method immediately. First you need to try to restore your physical and moral strength.
What movies about unrequited love can you watch
If unrequited love happened, a film on the same topic will definitely help to cope with the situation. Perhaps the behavior of the characters will help to establish something in their lives.
When feelings are overwhelmed, it is always good to look at people with the same problems and take into account their trials, mistakes and good luck in solving the described problem.
Movies about unrequited love:
- 500 days of Summer. For some reason, most often they make films about the unrequited love of a guy for a girl. So in this picture, the guy falls in love with a new worker who does not believe in his feelings, and does not reciprocate.
- Sabrina. A driver's daughter falls in love with the son of the head of the family her father works for. Soon she leaves to study in Paris and returns as a feminine, educated beauty.
- love mood. The film has a rather non-trivial plot. The picture shows that it is better to experience unrequited love than to be exhausted by long unhappy family relationships.
If you watch a nice movie, unrequited love will no longer seem like an obstacle.
On the contrary, such a complex emotional state helps to open new horizons. You just need to find an approach to yourself and overcome stress, constantly moving forward.
June 5, 2015
They say love is good. But what if you love and you don't? As if there is nothing good in it. And I agree with you. It's hard when your feelings are not mutual. Let's see why this happens and what to do if such a story happened to you.
People meet, become friends, fall in love. But often these feelings are not mutual. This is a natural process that lasts for thousands of years and is unlikely to ever end. But a person who experiences such strong feelings as love wants to understand why it is not mutual. To know the answer to this question, you need to understand what love is?
Love is a deep mutual sympathy, emotional attraction to another person and a feeling of affection.
With love is now clear. But how, a person begins to love, and most importantly, why does he fall in love. More than one scientist worked on the solution of this question. And they came to an interesting conclusion.
A person falls in love because his soul mate:
1. Compared to other people, it looks outwardly unusual. Indeed, it is not uncommon when a girl can be dressed in completely modest clothes, and the guy's eyes are already on fire. Or the most fashionable guy stands out for a girl against the background of his company. That is, no matter how idealistic they are, the first thing that attracts us in another person is appearance.
2. Smell. Each person has their own individual scent. Often people use perfume to make the smell more pleasant. It is not uncommon for girls to fall in love with a guy's perfume or, over time, they themselves buy perfume for their lover. But if you like the smell of the body of the opposite sex without perfume, then this suggests that you are, at least a little, but in love.
3. Compatibility of characters. A person can dress beautifully, smell good, but if a person does not fit the character, then what kind of love can we talk about. Therefore, your life partner should match your temperament and energy. This does not mean that you must be the same. It may be quite the opposite. You must complement each other.
4. Communication. Of course, you can fall in love at first sight. But, what's next? This is followed by communication, and if a person is pleasing to your ear, then feelings only become stronger. It is not uncommon to look like an ordinary person. But when you start talking, you gradually fall in love with him. Through conversation, people get to know each other and develop relationships.
5. Passion. How can you imagine love without this feeling. But I'm in a hurry to stop your fantasies. Passion is also necessary in moderation. Love is like a fire with firewood. And you decide to throw all the firewood at once into the fire or maintain this fire all your life.
Now understanding, we will move on to solving the problem. Namely, what to do if love is not mutual? And here, as in a play by W. Shakespeare, there are two options: "To be or not to be."
1. If you tried to make a person fall in love with you, and it didn’t work, then maybe you should step back from your ideas before it’s too late. And don't waste your time on someone who isn't worth it. Soothe your feelings and see how many beautiful people of the opposite sex are in the world.
2. But if you decide to act, then you should arm yourself well. Namely, outwardly stand out from the background of other people. Use pleasant perfumes and talk to your love on interesting pre-prepared topics.
Remember: Most people fall in love on the first date. And how it goes depends on you.
Therefore, I advise you not to lose heart. Tune in to win and invite your object of attention to take a walk. As a result, use this time and spend your first unforgettable date.
Human beings are in need of love from birth. Psychologists believe that this is our basic need. The lack of love or its absence can negatively affect the mental and emotional development of the child. But, even in adulthood, we do not lose this basic need, and for this reason we build relationships with people of the opposite sex. When we love, it is only natural that we expect reciprocity. But, not everyone gets it, and this often leads to mental suffering. Is it worth continuing a relationship in which love is not mutual, and what should one do in this case? Let's consider.
What is love for you?
In modern society, unfortunately, there has been a substitution of concepts and many young and even mature people confuse love with falling in love, although these are different concepts. Falling in love is a strong feeling, which is caused by biochemical reactions occurring in the body. Love can flare up and fade away throughout life many times. But, it is not love. The maximum duration of a biochemical reaction is 2-3 years, and if you base relationships only on this fragile feeling, it is not surprising that they collapse. Falling in love is short-lived, and only true love can become a solid foundation for a long-term relationship.
Therefore, if you find yourself in a situation where you are not reciprocated, you must, first of all, answer yourself the question: what is love for you? When you understand this, it will be easier for you to look to the future and you will know what to do. It is possible to fall in love with a person who does not reciprocate. Being in love is based on sympathy, and love is something more complex.
What is love?
In fact, everything is very simple. Love is not so much a feeling as a decision. True love has several qualities that describe it.
- Love is unconditional, unlike infatuation. Falling in love is feelings that have arisen because of sympathy, a good relationship, passion, mutual attraction and emotional comfort. Love arises regardless of any conditions. Just at some point, a person consciously makes a decision to love, care, be near, support, regardless of who the object of love is.
- Love is selfless. And this quality also distinguishes her from falling in love. If falling in love requires a constant return from a partner, then love is the opposite - it concentrates on giving. It is this quality that allows people to live and love without reciprocity, and at the same time not feel unhappy.
- Love is sacrificial, and in this it is similar to falling in love. Being in love sacrifices something in order to be close to the object to which it is directed. Love sacrifices something in order to make the object to which it is directed happy.
What to do if love is not mutual?
If it is love and not infatuation, you will not suffer from the fact that you do not receive reciprocity. The mechanism of love is quite simple - it is aimed at giving. But, if love turns out to be non-reciprocal, a person will be doomed to emotional suffering.
Non-reciprocal love is not really a reason to end a relationship. It is important to understand that love gives more than it takes, and it is able to make up for the lack of what it receives. So if you love but don't get the same in return, it's not a hopeless situation. As you know, we can only give what we have received. And if a person does not love, perhaps he himself was once deprived of love, real, selfless and unconditional. Such a person needs to receive healing, be filled with love, and only after that he will be able to bear it and give it away.
If you love your partner but they don't love you back, things can change. Just love, give love without expecting anything in return, and wait. The universe is arranged in such a way - it returns to a person everything that he gives, but only in large sizes. Just as a thousand sunflower seeds can grow from one sunflower seed, so the seed of love sown by you will bear fruit and return to you! Don't forget about it, be patient and enjoy the love!
Each of us wants to love and be loved. How wonderful it is when people find each other and their interests, views and feelings coincide. But it happens quite differently. Non-reciprocal love is often the cause of depression, apathy.
But it is impossible to conclude the whole meaning of existence in a person who does not reciprocate. If it has grown into such an unhealthy attachment, it needs to be fought.
This is not just an exchange between partners, but an exclusive and "confidential" communication. The copulation itself takes place out of sight, which represents the second type of control over strategic information in society. Psychologists and other scientists believe that intentionality and self-perception - the very basis of human intelligence - are their source in consciousness, that monkeys have "an image that they give to others". Exhibition, rivalry and sexual conflict are more or less universal aspects of animal life, but what characterizes us is the complexity of our sexuality: the clash of sexual partners and the manipulation of information flows have become, For us, inseparable.
How to forget a loved one?
If your love has not met with reciprocal feelings, you should try to forget about it and move on. Yes, it's not easy. But it's worth a try!
- Change the environment. If possible, try to get as far away from the object of unrequited love as possible. Perhaps you should change jobs, city, country of residence, or just go on a long vacation.
A change of scenery, new people, current worries will make you look at everything with different eyes. You will feel that life goes on!
We have come to the conclusion about "carnal knowledge", an expression that would be wrong to take as a metaphor or circumvention for certain types of instinctive behavior that have nothing to do with knowledge. Even sex is knowledge; Love is also one of them, or more precisely, it is a way of acquiring knowledge, receiving, disseminating and transforming information of fundamental social value.
This can be demonstrated using a comparative approach. Each society in its own way is an information world. In every social universe there is information that is known to everyone, others are available to most people, only a few people or one or two people. Their distribution varies depending on the parameters of the society in it. Some articles in this anthology concern advanced urban societies in which the information universe is structured in a certain way: everyone in these societies contains a large amount of general information about the vast majority of people.
Give yourself time to take a break from people, from your thoughts. Don't do anything. A month or two or more will pass and you will feel better.
- Plan your day so that there is not a single free minute for sad thoughts. Get two jobs, go in for sports or devote yourself entirely to your favorite business.
As a result of the efforts made at work, you will receive an improvement in your financial condition, an increase in the career ladder. Thanks to classes in the gym - a beautiful figure. And constant employment will make it easier to survive unrequited love and get distracted from the object of affection.
Of these, they are known superficially, while others, even more rarely, deeply. The French are very knowledgeable about French society in general, with the possible exception of some minorities. The French of the middle class "knows" everything about the working classes and the bourgeoisie, in order to keep up with the members of these social classes without much difficulty. The rich combination of distinctive features makes every Frenchman feel more or less at home in any city or social context they may encounter.
At the same time, the distribution between his personal friends and his family, on the one hand, and a large number of people whom he knows only by "typical" features, is extremely uneven. On the other hand, there is a society like Umeda, in which the relationship between specific and general information about other members of the community was completely abolished, even during the battle, Umeda pointed her arrows at the warriors. Knew their personal connections, and also knew family ties. True "foreigners" were only found in outlying villages, and Umeda had no reliable general information about them, at least not enough to maintain a relationship. "love" in different societies is a predictable consequence of the type and distribution of collective information found there.
- Don't be afraid to start new relationships! Of course, when you feel ready for them. A comfortable relationship without strong passion, love, affection, based on sympathy and respect is what you need at this stage.
If you feel like you're ready for a new relationship, don't make this common mistake! No need to start "revenging" all men (or women) in a row because your love was once left unanswered. Others of the opposite sex are not to blame for the fact that previous relationships did not work out and your feelings were neglected.
In Umeda, the love we know - an idyll with a relatively foreign face that a person wants to love among all possible - is unthinkable. Umeda married cousins and exchanged her sisters. marriages were planned long before the girl became an adult. Since the population was at its lowest point, the boys could not hope to sentence one girl, let alone "fall in love" with the West. They were adults, not married, it was incredible! These days, these things no longer exist.
All the girls here are just kids, and they're all busy anyway. These were dreams in which the girls had boys, they are not the ones who fell in love with them. They couldn't make a choice. Apart from this type of fantasy, there can be no love in Umeda except in one context: infidelity or one-sided adultery between a Bachelor man and a married woman. In my opinion, love and adultery are necessarily the same in a place like Umeda. If marriage between cousins is the "elementary form" of interfamilial alliance, then the elementary form of love is adultery.
How to help a loved one if he suffers from unrequited love?
If your friend is depressed because his feelings have been rejected, don't leave him alone. Now, more than ever, he needs your support and attention. The following tips will help you properly support a friend:
The best help in such a situation will simply be your presence in the life of a friend. Let him know that he is not alone, surround him with care and warmth.
But believing they weren't just telling me stories, Umeda had real love adventures, connections involving personal choice and the utmost discretion. If lovers were discovered, they were punished with blows or, and even if by chance their secret was not accidentally betrayed, they were at great risk, because it was believed that women who were compromised in underground relationships in order to get out of this bad Wizard to eliminate the lover when it became redundant. Love and knowledge thus ended in close association.
How to come to terms with the fact that your feelings were rejected and find the strength to live on?
Most of us have experienced unrequited love. Someone faced this at the age of 17-18, someone - at a more mature age. Often, even in harmonious relationships, one of the partners loves, and the other simply allows himself to be loved, using his soul mate.
Their husbands are equally inclined to do so, not by being unfaithful, but by giving in to jealousy—perhaps unfounded—and "talking" to the sorcerer. In each of these cases it is not so much the physical behavior that matters only for the revelation that is made or can be made. Love is extrastructural and its only interest in social life is that it is always responsible for people's deaths because bad spells are cast during or after complex love stories. a community where, at first glance, everyone knows everything about everyone else and has the same degree of intimacy with everyone: love, like knowledge, has no choice but to refuse society in those dark and mysterious areas that Umeda is associated with love and death: a dark forest where ghosts and lovers roam.
Understand that love is only mutual. After all, this is a bright feeling, it should bring joy and happiness to both partners. It only brings suffering. A person whose feelings have not been answered tries on the role of a victim. Such a position leads to self-destruction, loss of individuality. You need to realize this and try with all your might to get out of this pool.
Let's now turn to the other end of the information scale, to those modern societies in which love, far from being understood, is structurally necessary - at least what counts. People are taught to believe that one day they will be able to know by elective intimacy among an unlimited number of people who they have only a general knowledge of what they will love, with whom they will live Provided in harmony, will have children, etc. I need not say that this idea is as arbitrary and implausible as any Umeda's belief in sorcery.
People tend to idealize the object of love. But time passes, we grow, gain experience, attitudes and values change. Life is multifaceted, and in a year, two or five years, you will be surprised at how you could ever suffer so much because of another person.
In any case, new meetings and mutual feelings await you. When you know the joy of a harmonious and happy relationship, you will not remember your past unrequited love. Find the strength to let go of the feeling that destroys you in order to open your heart to a new life!
This is necessary, however, because in modern society the choice of marriage is not institutionalized at the level of individuals. Umeda never gets a chance to think about the advantages of one spouse over another; For them, only consider the consequences of not having a spouse at all. In modern urban societies, this is a completely different matter. Everyone knows that at some point the final choice must be made on the basis of insufficient information, the consequences of which can be incalculable. Since there are no real reasons for being tied to one person and not another, other than certain financial advantages, and there is fear of the worst. we invoke the deliberate subterfuge of the god Cupid to justify this essentially arbitrary choice, and his intervention frees us from the weight of our duties and forces us to act, rather than hesitantly, in a course of radical indecisiveness.
Alice, Moscow
Love is not always divided.
When feelings are mutual, it remains only to rejoice and share love with each other, with others.
But if unrequited love arises, not everyone understands what to do. Let's figure out what this concept means.
This is the fundamental principle of sociability, as shown by Schneider in American Kinship, but it must also be irrational and disinterested, be an explicit causal principle that brings together love couples and everyone else's bowl, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of others who everyone is reminded of a married couple united by love and for which they can be arbitrarily replaced. In modern society, love leads to the reproduction in a fictitious form of the type of pre-structured relationship accepted in society Like Umeda, thereby making arbitrariness inevitable.
Interpretation of unrequited love
If a person has a deep feeling for someone who does not reciprocate, this is unrequited love.
You can talk about unrequited love, when the lover hinted at feelings or even confessed them, but in return did not receive a promise or even a hint of reciprocity.
Non-reciprocal love, according to statistics, more often happens at a young age: 14-25 years old, but situations can be different.
This is known in advance, so that couples enter into relationships of structural significance long before they have practical consequences. Since this structural predestination is lacking, modern couples must transform the abstract and general relationships that exist between certain, well-established relationships and historical ones, which will bear the structural charges that will be imposed on them. By exchanging more and more intimate beliefs, a pair of lovers transforms a relationship that has no particular reason to exist in a connection that must be preserved because the knowledge they have acquired Loves to exercise restraint, sexuality or verbiage.
What to do?
Psychologists constantly talk about what to do if unrequited love. This condition is very dangerous, often people fall into despair and deep depression.
In fact, there is no need to upset, emotional torment in this situation is inevitable. The right approach will help to overcome them quickly and efficiently.
In England, everything begins with the so-called "baratin". One seduces by joking about more and more intimate matters. This banter partly reflects the tension and ambivalence generated by what could be a huge share of the exchange, the purpose of which is apparently to "have a little fun". He also demonstrates, through the ritual violations of this joke, the need to create space for the much more obvious violations caused by the possible limitations of love. Ultimately, the couple will agree with each other never in public for fear of ridicule.
Tips from psychologists on what to do in case of non-reciprocal love:
- In the case of unrequited love, what to do, psychologists say: accept the situation as it is.
You can give yourself time to suffer and feel sorry for yourself, but you can’t walk away from the situation.
However, suffering also needs to be set boundaries so as not to go headlong into it. - Many people know what unrequited love is, but not everyone knows what sublimation is.
Although it is sublimation that will help to survive a difficult period.
It is necessary to occupy yourself with mental and physical labor to the maximum. You can throw out your emotions in horseback riding, rock climbing, hang gliding.
You need to look for sports and activities that will help you cope with stress. - Proper nutrition and a healthy lifestyle to relieve energy stress. A sauna or bath, a massage course will help.
These procedures help to remove toxins from the body, and with them the experienced negative emotions, pain and clamps go away. - Self-improvement through art. Many psychologists advise to do something creative. Start sculpting with clay, try to depict your feelings with paint, start listening to classical music.
By the way, many great masterpieces in all areas of art were created precisely during the period of great mental suffering of their authors.
In how to forget unrequited love, new acquaintances can help. But you should not resort to this method immediately. First you need to try to restore your physical and moral strength.
Lovers open their hearts to each other to get through the course of physical relationship more easily if it hasn't been crossed from the start. It was their words, not their actions, that made them lovers. If the relationships of modern couples, which are structurally important but individually arbitrary, are based on mutual beliefs and shared inattentions, what are the raw data of these faiths? individually and singularly, as people think. Here we must tackle a new topic that is of great importance for many of the articles in this issue: the transformation of love into fiction: the beliefs that couples provide to them structurally, because it is structurally necessary that these trusting relationships be exchanged.
What movies about unrequited love can you watch
If unrequited love happened, a film on the same topic will definitely help to cope with the situation. Perhaps the behavior of the characters will help to establish something in their lives.
When feelings are overwhelmed, it is always good to look at people with the same problems and take into account their trials, mistakes and good luck in solving the described problem.
Today, love cannot be conceived without imagination and, in particular, without romantic fiction. There was no love fiction or popular love culture in Umeda; only funny, dangerous and structurally unrecognized gossip about sex. But let's look at the Western situation. Every modern couple has to reinvent themselves as a couple, although they have no previous personal experience, a history that justifies their existence. Lovers cannot model their brothers, sisters or friends, better or closer to them must know how to control themselves and remain careful.
Films about unrequited love.
