Some of us are ambitious and ambitious from childhood. They strive to stand out from a group of friends, to be an authority for them, a leader - both formal and informal. And they succeed in this thanks to their special ability to make their peers willing to listen and agree with their decisions, and also to enjoy their trust and respect. But as children get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to become an authority figure in their class or company.
For younger schoolchildren, status is created by adults and depends on grades: the more diligent the student, the stronger his position. Therefore, it is the excellent students who enjoy the greatest authority in elementary school, since they have to become an example for others. A group of teenagers places completely different demands on their leader. They are no longer satisfied with dependence on the opinions and assessments of adults; now they have their own opinions on any issues and evaluate each other themselves.
Why will teenagers respect their leader?
For strength - external and internal, for integrity, reliability and the ability to make decisions, to have your own opinion, independent of what others think. For achievements, talents, the ability to interest, to stand out from the general background.
Be interested in the hobbies of your friends, always have a topic of conversation with them. Encourage them to socialize and tell them something new about their hobbies. And share your successes, but in such a way that it does not cause hostility or ridicule. Find a reason to show your talents and constantly develop them, work on yourself. It’s very good to take up some popular sport, join an extreme recreation club or a survival school. Be able to do what others cannot, know what they might be interested in, what you can teach them.
It is not enough to be a formal leader, such as, for example, a class leader, to become an authority among friends and at the same time enjoy the trust of adults. But this opportunity must be used to develop your ability to inspire this respect and trust. Balancing the demands of teachers and classmates will help you as you begin to build your professional career.
What qualities do you need to develop to become an authority among your peers?
If you enjoy the recognition of your peers, you will be able to earn it from other children. By helping kids believe in themselves and take the first steps towards achieving their goals, you will become for them a person whose authority will be unquestionable. Knowing how to remain only an older friend and making them feel that all victories and successes were achieved through their own efforts and your little help, you will always be their mentor. They will listen to you, they will follow you, they will believe you.
Many parents wonder how to make their child respect them, be obedient and flexible, fulfill requests the first time and never contradict them. We are accustomed to thinking that it is possible to instill such behavior in a child if the parent is an authority for him. However, according to attachment theory, every parent is one from the beginning, so authority does not need to be specially won, but you need to be able not to lose it. Moreover, with age, the authority of the parent in the eyes of the child decreases, or rather changes. And this mechanism was wisely created by nature, because a person who idolizes parents and is completely dependent on them will not be able to live an independent successful life. “I am a Parent” decided to figure out what parental authority is and whether it needs to be cultivated in children.
In fact, in a normal family, where issues are given enough attention, most of the time the child listens to moms and dads. Moments of disobedience are temporary or the result of various deep reasons. One of these reasons may be mistakes made in communicating with the child.
It is customary to identify several types of erroneous behavior of parents, which, as it seems to them, allows them to achieve what they want from their child, but in fact has the opposite effect.
The authority of suppression is the most common erroneous stereotype of parental ideas about upbringing. Fearing that the child will appear weak and weak-willed, the parent (usually the father) goes too far in the opposite direction: he toughens punishments even for minor offenses, and often uses physical or psychological violence. This style of parenting instills in the child fear of his father or mother, but not respect for them. In addition, such behavior of parents demonstrates to the child that the main thing in life is strength, and whoever is stronger is right.
The authority of pedantry is somewhat similar to the previous style of education. Parents demand unquestioning obedience from the child and follow their orders. The opinion of a son or daughter is usually ignored, since the views of the parent are considered the only correct ones. This usually leads to the fact that over the years the child never learns to formulate his own opinion, his own position, gets used to fulfilling other people’s demands, and waits for orders instead of showing his own initiative.
Softer, but no less negative, is the authority of edification. Using it, parents try to prevent the child’s erroneous behavior with the help of teachings, long explanations and edifying conversations, repeated repeatedly. At the same time, they do not take into account that a preschooler is physically unable to listen to long speeches, and a teenager has already heard them so many times that he stops listening to any words of his parents at all, waiting for the next moralizing.
The false authority of love is considered quite widespread. In families with this approach to education, excessive demonstration of their love to others (and not to the child), insincere praise and admiration are common. Parents, manifesting themselves in this way, count on reciprocal “love”. But the child feels insincerity, especially when the parents’ behavior “in public” and in private with him is sharply different. He may completely shut down or begin to protest and show aggression. With age, it may become normal for him that love is a subject of “commodity-money” relations.
When using the false authority of kindness, parents indulge their children’s every whim and encourage permissiveness and impunity. Thus, wanting to appear kind in the eyes of the child or to avoid any conflict, parents deprive their son or daughter of the important experience of setting boundaries. Children need restrictions in order to feel supported and navigate the world around them. In the absence of this experience, they suffer, which manifests itself as sharply negative or aggressive behavior.
Another type of false authority is the authority of bribery. Good behavior is exchanged for gifts, toys or sweets, at an older age - good study involves the purchase of gadgets, that is, the cost of “toys” increases. This method of influencing a child’s behavior or academic performance is learned fairly quickly, which leads to the emergence of a little manipulator in the family. There is a danger that material motivation will become the only motivation for a child, that is, he will behave well, study and, subsequently, build relationships with people only if he receives material benefits from this.
People who have achieved great heights in their careers can abuse the authority of their parental position. Often setting themselves up as an example for their child, such parents can cause not a desire to imitate, but a fear of not meeting the high expectations of their father or mother and a lack of faith in their own abilities (“I will never achieve such results”). With age, this fear can develop into self-doubt and a feeling of inferiority. At the same time, relationships with a parent who uses this type of false authority take on the character of a quiet confrontation - a teenager can consciously or subconsciously provoke his anger with his constant failures or refusal to study, for example.
In their extreme manifestations, all these methods of influencing a child can lead to complete suppression of his independence or, conversely, to absolute uncontrollability. But in both cases, parents lose respect for their own child.
The main thing is to notice your own erroneous behavior in time, admit it to yourself and begin to correct it. Of course, this is difficult to do right away, and there is no need to demand immediate behavior change from yourself.
However, we can gradually learn how to confirm our role as an authoritative parent with our actions and take into account the stages of our child’s growing up. It is important to remember the following:
Set boundaries and give your child freedom within those boundaries. Formulate family rules together with the student so that he feels that his opinion is taken into account.
A child learns to show respect if he sees how you yourself show it - to yourself, to your spouse, to the people around you. And for your authority to be based on respect, it must be mutual. In this regard, it is necessary to completely exclude from education physical and psychological punishments that degrade the child’s dignity. The statement “fears means respects” is fundamentally wrong.
Accept both positive and negative emotions of the child: someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are inspires respect and trust.
Trust is also impossible without mutual honesty. Be honest with your child, promise only what you will deliver, let your words match your actions. Do not lie even over small things, as some “little things” can be important things in the eyes of your son or daughter, and children intuitively sense lies.
Admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Don't be afraid to look weak or stupid in front of your child if you make a mistake. If you are wrong, but still stand your ground, this harms your authority more than proper recognition and correction of the situation. In addition, in this way you will teach your child not to be afraid of his own mistakes in the future.
Demand from your children only what you do yourself. Otherwise, the child will intuitively feel injustice and resentment, and subsequently act according to your example. A teenager may begin to rebel in such a situation, and his rebellion will be completely justified.
The older the child, the more important it is to accept the fact that he is a separate person from you, who may have different views or opinions from yours. And you, of course, can influence them by expressing your point of view, but you should not force a child to think your way. Therefore, if you formulate the question: “What should I do so that the child obeys unquestioningly and looks at the world the same way as I do?” - then psychologists will not be able to help you with this (and, I hope, they will not help), and your efforts can lead to completely unpredictable consequences. In any case, this definitely won’t make the child happy.
At any age, do not forget to show your passion, of course, taking into account age-related characteristics. If a preschooler can be hugged and kissed, and he will be only happy about it, the teenager will most likely perceive this as a violation of his personal boundaries. You need to show all your tact and sensitivity to show how much you love your growing child. But, having succeeded in this, you will become a real authority for him.
In a word, the authoritative position of a parent is not built on fear or coercion. It is based on mutual trust, respect and love. And your child will follow you if you are able to justify the child’s trust, respect the schoolchild’s opinion and love the teenager so much that you can allow him to look for other authorities for himself.
Anastasia Vyalykh,
Psychologist of the portal “I am a Parent”
Authority must be earned - deceiving others by flaunting clever phrases and puffing out your cheeks at the right moments will not work. But it is possible and even necessary to speed up the process a little. We encourage recognition of merit so as not to waste years proving the obvious.
Before we begin the discussion, we need to define what it means to influence others. And what does this mean for you.
Let's define this concept: Influence is the ability of a person or object to be an irresistible force or to produce an effect on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc. of other people.
Influence - to force or persuade (someone) to take some action. John Maxwell, bestselling author, says that "To be a leader is to influence. Nothing more, nothing less."
If leadership is influence, then the reverse must also be true. This means that influence is leadership. Is it so? I would add that influence only becomes leadership when it leads to positive results.
I would like to give in to temptation and start allowing them everything. “Are you too tired to sit down for homework? Don’t worry, I’ll talk to the teacher.” “You only want the second one? Okay, I’ll put the soup in the refrigerator.” “Are you embarrassed to say hello to your neighbor? Oh well, another time."
Probably, very soon I would be accused of letting everything take its course and the children. And I would start waving a Donald Winnicott book and justify myself by saying that “I am in a special condition that is very reminiscent of an illness, but at the same time completely normal.”
Oh, how grateful I am to this man who realized that immediately after the birth of a child, a mother goes crazy (which is quite natural) and begins to identify herself with her baby: “this allows her to see everything through his eyes and respond to all his needs with precision , which no automaton can master - and which is impossible to learn.”
And everything would be fine if the madness of the first days did not give such long-term complications. Already today, when that time full of fears and uncertainty has long passed, it declares itself with attacks of guilt at the sight of reproach in children's eyes...
Yes, I just wanted to go visit! But no: I begin to seem to myself like a traitor who arranges, cancels the meeting, stops forbidding them anything at all, which involuntarily strengthens them in the feeling of that very childish omnipotence, which Winnicott called the logical consequence of our child-worship.
Unattainable Hardness
If you're going to educate someone, the problem is that you can't give in. But everyone is only capable of what they are capable of. My mother, for example, always said: if children are frolicking, then everything is fine with them. And I can only admit that I lash out at them much more often than my husband.
But it’s easy to understand me! Just imagine this wonderful picture: just a second ago they were touchingly kissing me (my beloved mother) before bed, and once in the nursery, they instantly turned into monsters. One is jumping at the bottom of a two-story bed, the second is hanging from the top floor and hitting the bottom one with a typewriter, and the third is laughing and throwing pillows. The whole house is shaking with screams and squeals...
So, having achieved silence, I, torn between the desire to love and the need to educate, fall into a chair and open Julia Gippenreiter’s “Communicate with a child. How?" . I read: “Rules, that is, restrictions, requirements and prohibitions, must be in the life of every child.
Children not only need order and rules of behavior, they want and expect them. This makes their life understandable and predictable, and creates a sense of security.” And here it is especially for me: “This is especially useful to remember for those parents who strive to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. As a result, they begin to follow the lead of their own child.”
Be consistent, confident, reasonable in your parenting decisions... However, I have something to object to: since I spend too much time with them, it is difficult for me to be both the one who gives and the one who refuses.
Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova supports me in this: “A child really needs both: love and acceptance, on the one hand, an organizing principle, on the other. If children, for example, are raised by one mother, she has to take on both of these tasks.”
From the point of view of psychoanalysis, the father is assigned an even more subtle mission: not to allow the mother to merge with the children into a single whole. Not to forbid them to be together and love each other, but to strengthen them in the idea that a child is not a continuation of the mother, but a separate, full-fledged being that must grow up and one day leave.
Big slap
When Ilya was born (then we had Kirill), I really thought that I would never raise my voice to him. Everything was perfect until, at the age of one and a half years, Ilya started slapping me on the cheeks - in the literal sense of the word. He was having fun, and I was crying.
This continued until my husband saw this disgrace. He already had a son (Vanya - from his first marriage), and he calmly used “legitimate authority”: he made comments, and sometimes - oh horror! - sent my baby to the corner. Then it was easier for me to accuse him of cruelty than to gain the courage to set the boundaries of what was permitted in my relationship with my son.
It’s good that by the time the youngest, Kirill, was one and a half years old, I had already accumulated some experience. Education, in my opinion, truly begins at this time. Until then, you have to focus mainly on the health of the children and try to ensure that their rhythm of life gradually ceases to subjugate everything else.
Life really gets complicated when they start walking (and running), and then talking - what are these eternal “whys”, “I don’t want” and “I won’t” worth? “As soon as a child begins to move actively, we seriously think about his safety,” comments Inna Khamitova. - We remove everything fragile, close sockets, block drawers... And these are the first restrictions.
Then we begin to potty him - we teach him to cultural norms. And the older the child, the more boundaries and frames there are. In essence, they all fall into two groups: do not do what is dangerous for you, and do not do what is harmful to others. Everything else is possible, and here it’s better not to limit him, otherwise we slow down his cognitive activity.”
Movement by touch
Yes, that's true - our freedom ends where another person's freedom begins. I spent a lot of time explaining to Kirill that he can’t do whatever he wants (for example, hitting another kid in the sandbox with a scoop, taking away toys, running into the road), and trying to teach him to replace animal forms of behavior (banging his head on the ground, throwing toys ...) human.
The problem is that Kirill is my youngest, and I’m unlikely to dare to give birth to another one... So I take him in my arms, even when I have to walk twenty meters, I give in if he whines and begs for a toy... The only thing I’m sure I can do is What I can do is be polite and friendly when I insist on something (and this must be done).
I don’t just ask you to “say it in words,” but I ask you to say “please” (“paa-lu-sta”) and “thank you” (“see-bo”). I make sure that we have a good, calm relationship; I want him to take into account the needs and emotions of the other; I try so that, looking at me, he learns to give in, take others into account and respect the rules.
And when he has a hard time doing what he needs to do—like picking up our toys in the sandbox before heading home—we do it together.
We and our children are equal, but not equal: we have more rights and more responsibilities to them than they have to us.
But let's return to Ilya - my first-born (the second oldest in our family). When he was just born, I sincerely sympathized with my neighbors in the maternity hospital: they didn’t get such a wonderful child! And it was with him that I messed up the most: while I admired his genius, I believed that I shouldn’t interfere with it with some absurd rules (“Do you want to wear a T-shirt inside out? What a creative approach!”).
Then I began to feel guilty for giving him a little brother. And she allowed him to behave like a little boy... There’s absolutely nothing to be proud of here, but it’s true: I was nervous and didn’t know what to grab onto.
Now Ilya is six years old, he can read and write. He is interested in insects and plants. The question that worries me most now is how to combine the desire to teach him everything in the world and his real inclinations? Is education about coercion or motivation?
“The eternal question is what is better: permissiveness - for a child to grow up creative, free, but not knowing boundaries, or strict boundaries and rules,” says Inna Khamitova. - Both are bad. And we, parents, are forced to walk along a thin bridge that separates one from the other.
Education is always associated with coercion. Because we still force children to do things they don't want to do. Although, of course, it is more pleasant to live according to the principle of pleasure. But that’s called being spoiled.”
Eternal parents
Vanya, my stepson, is ten now. When we met him, he was very young, and it was with him that I went through my baptism of fire. He taught me a lot, precisely because I was not the one who carried him and gave birth to him. This is what allowed me to find out what my parental role could be in its purest form, without the harmful admixture of maternal intoxication.
But a new challenge awaits me when the family is hit by the storm of adolescence. “Parents and children are equal, but not equal: we have more rights and more responsibilities to them than they have to us,” explains Inna Khamitova. - However, relationships change over time: the closer puberty is, the more equal they should become.
After all, it is assumed that when the child turns 18–20 years old, we will turn into friends, into two adults dear to each other. Therefore, as he grows up, we need to become different parents.” So, first I have to find the courage to change and be ready to withstand everything that my growing children will present to me.
Do not leave them to be torn apart by their own confusion. Just be there. Our task is not to protect them from life, but to bring them into this world. And decide to leave them there.
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