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Read online - I can hear you right through. Effective negotiation techniques - Mark Goulston. I can hear you right through. Effective Negotiation Techniques

Read online - I can hear you right through. Effective negotiation techniques - Mark Goulston. I can hear you right through. Effective Negotiation Techniques

04.10.2023

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded to almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

When I hear this, I respond: “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall.” Find that “stone”—what a person really needs from you—and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and connect with people in ways you never dreamed possible before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win over anyone: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage takers, because he always finds the “soft spot.” Mark is a true genius at communicating with the most unsociable people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - turns to ear when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

And by the way, don’t focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. He is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Bring him into an office where everyone is fighting with everyone, or a sales department that can't get customers' attention, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, funny, kind, and captivating, and his stories—from uninvited Sunday guests to speeches by high-ranking politicians—can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using your new skills to turn impossible, unsociable, stubborn people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to convincing other people to take part in their plans, achieve their goals and fulfill their desires. But in reality, convincing people is not magic. It's an art...and a science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the VegasLex law firm.

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the Speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer“I came, I saw, I convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded to almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey listens when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, funny, kind and captivating, and his stories - from uninvited Sunday guests to speeches by high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but change your life. So enjoy and start using your new skills to turn impossible, unsociable, stubborn people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one
Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hawken. "Natural Capitalism"

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work—a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child or embittered “ex”.

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleas, anger, but every time you seemed to hit a wall. You get confused, scared or frustrated and think, “What’s going to happen next?”

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't break free. You are captured - by resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and by your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered that I had a special talent. You can throw me into any situation and I can convince people. I can convince tough managers and angry employees that they must work together to solve problems. I can get attention from crumbling families and couples who have reached the point of hating each other. I can even change the intentions of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of committing suicide.

I wasn't sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it was working. I knew that I was no smarter than others, but I recognized that this success was not just luck: my approach had always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. There was only one thing I didn’t understand: why does it work?

By analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered on my own, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine driving your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But just lower the gear and you get full control. It’s as if you’re drawing the road towards you.

Most people shift into high gear when trying to convince others. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get the exact opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you hear. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn in this book can shift people's opinions from "no" to "yes" easily and quickly, often in a matter of minutes. I use these techniques every day—to help couples facing divorce, companies on the verge of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and sales managers to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the most challenging life-or-death situations.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to how to communicate with people who won't listen to you. That's why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him as he holds the barrel of a shotgun to his throat. Special forces and a team of negotiators have already been called. The special forces arrive and position themselves behind the cars, trying to stay out of Frank's sight.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to clients and colleagues and even screamed. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break from the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

- Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk to you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in fact you do.

– What do you know about this shit?! You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! – Frank exclaims.

“I can’t do that,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun to your throat, and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.”

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! – Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that last for several minutes. As information about Frank becomes available, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The SWAT team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. However, the situation is quite complex and the chances of success are low.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He took the negotiation training I teach for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been briefed on the basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

“I'm asking you to tell this guy, 'I'm sure you think no one but you knows what it's like when you've tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don't you?'

- What to say? – asks Evans.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it: “I’m sure you think no one but you knows what it’s like when you’ve tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don’t you?”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he answers with a question:

– What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

– Yes, you’re right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer turns to Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the next question: “I’m sure you feel like no one knows what it’s like to start each day with the thought that everything will go wrong again.” I would like to, right?”

- Yes, the same thing happens every damn day! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he just heard and get additional confirmation:

“And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going the way you would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with the desire to stop all this, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time everything was okay in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after his dismissal.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see... Tell me more...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, prompted by Kramer, Evans says:

– And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or have you lost hope? Tell me exactly what you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to find the word that best describes his feelings.

“I’m tired of everything,” Frank finally says.

– So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? – Evans clarifies.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from completely refusing to communicate to being willing to listen and talk. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call “pulling in.” The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to understanding what was said.

What made Frank start listening and being drawn into Lieutenant Evans' words? Surely this shift was not accidental? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but didn't say out loud. And when the lieutenant’s words became consonant with Frank’s thoughts, he became involved in the conversation and began to say “yes.”

The Persuasion Cycle

You may never have to find yourself in the situations that police and SWAT negotiators face. But don’t you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is: almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they have done before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince them that you are the most suitable candidate for this job or promotion.

This is precisely the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy and often feel like they can't get things done. To overcome stress and feelings of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and reasons, or resort to arguments, or encouragement, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and more often than not you fail. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you cannot understand why this is happening. Think about how many times you've walked away from a failed customer, an office meeting, or a friend you had an argument with, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "Damn, what happened?"

Good news: you can connect with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques I describe in this book work for negotiators in emergency situations, but they can also apply to your conversations with a boss, a colleague, a client, a spouse, or even a child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they go to the very core of successful communications, what I call cycle of persuasion(see Fig. 1.1). I was inspired to create the persuasion cycle by the ideas of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnick Motivational interviewing.

Rice. 1.1. The Persuasion Cycle

The process of persuasion takes place in stages. To take people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that pushes them forward.

– from resistance to listening

– from listening to thinking

– from thinking to wanting to do

– from desire to do to action

- from action to a feeling of joy from what was done and to continuation of the action.

The focus is the main message and purpose of this book: “the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone”, that you convince people by getting them to “buy”, which happens when a person moves from resisting to listening to what you speak.

What's particularly interesting and important is that the key to "buying" and moving people further through the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you get them to tell you, and what happens in their minds during this process .

In the following chapters, I will provide nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques that you can use to move through the cycle of persuasion. Gain experience in using them, and then you will be able to combine them so that they begin to work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts I teach to FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and “buy” a desired solution. Once you learn them, you no longer have to be held hostage by fear, anger, indifference, or the hidden agendas of other people. You will have all the tools at your disposal to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book you will find many options for action in any situation. This is explained by the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how identically we behave in a given situation, each of us has our own view and our own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will talk about in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they suit your personality type and lifestyle.

The secret: easy to convince

There is nothing magical about the approaches discussed in these pages. One of the secrets you are about to discover is that persuading people is much easier than it seems. To illustrate this, I will share with you the story of David, a CEO who, using my techniques, completely turned his career around and saved his family at the same time.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate with. His management style can be called dictatorial. His service technician quit, saying that he really liked the company, but he couldn’t work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such conditions the company's employees were working below their capabilities. Investors considered David rude and arrogant, and he had difficulty finding funds to develop the company.

I was invited by the board of directors to see if the situation could be changed. After meeting David I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we started talking about management style, I suddenly asked:

– Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“Funny you should ask that,” he chuckled.

- Why? – I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything with him, although I've tried everything. The grades in the diary are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but... I'm disappointed in him. He and I saw a psychologist, who said that he had some problems concentrating. The teachers tried to help him, but he did nothing that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just don't know what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We agreed to meet a week later, but three days later I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. We have to talk".

I thought, “Oh my God, what happened?” – I called back and heard an excited voice.

“Doctor,” said David, “I think you saved my life.”

- What's happened? – I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me,” he replied.

– Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you…

“No, I’m not talking about them,” David interrupted me, “I haven’t talked to them yet.” It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think none of us know what it's like to be told you're smart but can't use your smarts to get results. So?". And tears appeared in his eyes - exactly as you said. “I asked him the following question, one of those you suggested,” David continued. “I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart, so that no one around you expects good results from you, doesn’t push you, doesn’t demand that you try, right?” He began to cry... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: “Are you worried about all this?”

David continued almost in a whisper:

“The son could hardly speak. He said it was getting worse and worse and he didn't know how much longer he could take it. And that he disappoints and lets everyone down all the time.

When David said this, he himself was no longer hiding his tears. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?” - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that had tormented him for many years. “Because you didn’t want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

“I had no right to leave him at such a moment.” I said, “We have to fix this. I will move my laptop to your room and be with you when you do your homework. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so bad.” We spent a few evenings together and I think things started to change. – David fell silent for a while. – You helped me “pull out the bullet”, doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I answered.

- That is?

“You gave your son a chance to let off steam,” I continued. “And when you did that, he told you what the problem was, and you did a great job.” But there are many other people, from the board to the management team, who see you in exactly the same way as your son saw you, and they also need to let off steam and tell them how you are wrong with them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and one with the management team. He told each group approximately the same thing. And both groups tensed up and prepared for another verbal flogging, when at first David decisively announced that he had called everyone together to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued by saying: “I am very upset that I lashed out at everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it.”

David told his colleagues and partners about his son and concluded his speech with these words: “I ask you to give me another chance because I think this situation can be improved. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas.”

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What's the moral of this story? The fact is that the right, necessary words have enormous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company, and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories told in this chapter and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve very different goals. Kramer kept the man from committing suicide, and David not only avoided being fired and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved his family. The beauty of these techniques, and the ones you will learn, is that they can be applied to almost anyone and any situation.

Why is one single set of communication tools so universal? Because although we are all different (and our problems are also different), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter we will see how our minds “buy” or “refuse to buy” and why communicating with an uncommunicative person depends on talking to his brain.

CEO (eng. chief executive officer) – the highest official of the company (general director, chairman of the board, manager). Determines the overall strategy of the enterprise, makes decisions at the highest level, and performs representative duties. Note ed.

CTO (English: chief technical officer, or chief technology officer, “technical director”) is a leadership position in Western companies, corresponding to the Russian “chief engineer”. One of the leaders of the corporation, responsible for its development and development of new products; The CTO is usually in charge of the entire technological part of production. Note ed.

Current page: 1 (book has 18 pages total) [available reading passage: 4 pages]

Mark Goulston

I can hear you right through. Effective Negotiation Techniques

...

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the VegasLex law firm.

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the Speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer“I came, I saw, I convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will allow themselves to be persuaded to almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you” (Edwin Shneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey listens when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

...

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hawken. "Natural Capitalism"

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleas, anger, but every time you seemed to hit a wall. You get confused, scared or frustrated and think, “What’s going to happen next?”

It is at this moment that I appear.

In fact, as you'll see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to how to communicate with people who won't listen to you. That's why the book begins with Frank's story.

...

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him as he holds the barrel of a shotgun to his throat. Special forces and a team of negotiators have already been called. The special forces arrive and position themselves behind the cars, trying to stay out of Frank's sight.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to clients and colleagues and even screamed. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break from the relationship, and he needed to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of his apartment because he couldn't pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of the city, stops taking care of himself, washing and shaving, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He approaches Frank and says in a calm voice:

- Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk to you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in fact you do.

– What do you know about this shit?! You are just like everyone else. Leave me alone! – Frank exclaims.

“I can’t do that,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun to your throat, and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.”

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! – Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that last for several minutes. As information about Frank becomes available, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The SWAT team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. However, the situation is quite complex and the chances of success are low.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He took the negotiation training I teach for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been briefed on the basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

“I'm asking you to tell this guy, 'I'm sure you think no one but you knows what it's like when you've tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don't you?'

- What to say? – asks Evans.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it: “I’m sure you think no one but you knows what it’s like when you’ve tried every option and now you think you only have one left, don’t you?”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he answers with a question:

– What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

– Yes, you’re right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer turns to Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the next question: “I’m sure you feel like no one knows what it’s like to start each day with the thought that everything will go wrong again.” I would like to, right?”

- Yes, the same thing happens every damn day! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he just heard and get additional confirmation:

“And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going the way you would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with the desire to stop all this, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time everything was okay in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after his dismissal.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see... Tell me more...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, prompted by Kramer, Evans says:

– And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or have you lost hope? Tell me exactly what you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to find the word that best describes his feelings.

“I’m tired of everything,” Frank finally says.

– So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? – Evans clarifies.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from completely refusing to communicate to being willing to listen and talk. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call “pulling in.” The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to understanding what was said.

What made Frank start listening and being drawn into Lieutenant Evans' words? Surely this shift was not accidental? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but didn't say out loud. And when the lieutenant’s words became consonant with Frank’s thoughts, he became involved in the conversation and began to say “yes.”

The Persuasion Cycle

You may never have to find yourself in the situations that police and SWAT negotiators face. But don’t you also have to convince someone of something every day?

Rice. 1.1. The Persuasion Cycle

The process of persuasion takes place in stages. To take people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that pushes them forward.

– from resistance to listening

– from listening to thinking

– from thinking to wanting to do

– from desire to do to action

- from action to a feeling of joy from what was done and to continuation of the action.

The secret: easy to convince

...

I was invited by the board of directors to see if the situation could be changed. After meeting David I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we started talking about management style, I suddenly asked:

– Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“Funny you should ask that,” he chuckled.

- Why? – I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything with him, although I've tried everything. The grades in the diary are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but... I'm disappointed in him. He and I saw a psychologist, who said that he had some problems concentrating. The teachers tried to help him, but he did nothing that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just don't know what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We agreed to meet a week later, but three days later I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. We have to talk".

I thought, “Oh my God, what happened?” – I called back and heard an excited voice.

“Doctor,” said David, “I think you saved my life.”

- What's happened? – I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me,” he replied.

– Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you…

“No, I’m not talking about them,” David interrupted me, “I haven’t talked to them yet.” It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think none of us know what it's like to be told you're smart but can't use your smarts to get results. So?". And tears appeared in his eyes - exactly as you said. “I asked him the following question, one of those you suggested,” David continued. “I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart, so that no one around you expects good results from you, doesn’t push you, doesn’t demand that you try, right?” He began to cry... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: “Are you worried about all this?”

David continued almost in a whisper:

“The son could hardly speak. He said it was getting worse and worse and he didn't know how much longer he could take it. And that he disappoints and lets everyone down all the time.

When David said this, he himself was no longer hiding his tears. “Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?” - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that had tormented him for many years. “Because you didn’t want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

“I had no right to leave him at such a moment.” I said, “We have to fix this. I will move my laptop to your room and be with you when you do your homework. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so bad.” We spent a few evenings together and I think things started to change. – David fell silent for a while. – You helped me “pull out the bullet”, doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I answered.

- That is?

“You gave your son a chance to let off steam,” I continued. “And when you did that, he told you what the problem was, and you did a great job.” But there are many other people, from the board to the management team, who see you in exactly the same way as your son saw you, and they also need to let off steam and tell them how you are wrong with them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and one with the management team. He told each group approximately the same thing. And both groups tensed up and prepared for another verbal flogging, when at first David decisively announced that he had called everyone together to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued by saying: “I am very upset that I lashed out at everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it.”

David told his colleagues and partners about his son and concluded his speech with these words: “I ask you to give me another chance because I think this situation can be improved. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas.”

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What's the moral of this story? The fact is that the right, necessary words have enormous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company, and his family.

Russian name: I can hear right through you - Effective negotiation techniques
original name: Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
Cover:

Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, journalist and business consultant. Author of the books “Don’t Get in Your Way” and “Mental Traps at Work.”

Publishing house: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2011

Key Ideas

To learn how to convince people, first learn to listen to them.
If you want to convince someone that you are right, find a common language with him.
Bias and stereotypes should not influence how you perceive the words of your interlocutor.
Ask questions that encourage the person to talk about themselves, and listen carefully to the answers.
“Questioning the impossible” helps to overcome resistance and force you to think about your arguments.
Ask your interlocutor to name something he wants but cannot achieve, and then ask what is stopping him from achieving it. By showing empathy at the right moment, you can win a person’s favor.
If a person is anxious and preoccupied with something, give him a reason to pour out negative emotions so that he can adequately perceive your words.
Don't try to hide problems that will become apparent anyway.
In some situations, a manager must be able to emphatically express gratitude or apologize to his employees.

Relevance

From the summary of this book you will learn: 1) How to find a common language with people
in hard situations; 2) How to convince people that you are right; 3) What effective persuasion techniques to use when communicating with loved ones, friends, bosses, colleagues, clients, and even aggressive strangers.

Even if you are considered the life of the party, this is unlikely to help convince a critical interlocutor. According to Mark Goulston, in order to convince someone to perform the action you want, you need to make that person feel your attention. Therefore, do not try to arouse interest in yourself, but show interest in the interlocutor himself. At one time, the author of the book trained US intelligence officers to negotiate with terrorists for the release of hostages. By applying the techniques and techniques described in the book, you will learn to overcome protective psychological barriers and convince your interlocutors of the correctness of your point of view. The author backs up all his recommendations with memorable examples from real life. According to the site, this book will be useful to anyone who would like to develop their ability to find a common language with other people. If the author was able to dissuade a person who was determined to commit suicide from taking a fatal step, then his advice will certainly help you convince not only your clients, but also your teenage child.

Summary of the book "I Hear Right Through You"

Arguments for suicide

An armed man sits in a car outside a shopping center, threatening to commit suicide. The policeman negotiating with him clearly understands that there is almost no chance of a successful outcome. To find a common language with a person who has reached extreme despair, he asks him: “You think that no one but you knows what it’s like to be in a hopeless situation, and now you think that there is nothing else left for you, right?” The man thinks for a second and answers: “Yes, no one knows that and no one cares!” In this simple way, the negotiator managed to involve the potential suicide in the conversation.
The question hit the nail on the head, and the man answered in the affirmative. This was the first step towards a peaceful resolution of the conflict. When trying to convince someone of something, people often act too persistently. They operate with arguments and facts, but this only strengthens the disagreement of their interlocutors. If you want to learn how to convince and convince others, stop relying on logic alone. Start listening to those around you, try to empathize with them and empathize with their feelings. You can reach another person only when he believes in your arguments. To do this, you need to overcome his rejection, and then make him listen, think about what was said and ultimately agree with your point of view.
Understanding the levels of organization that make up the human brain will help you master the art of persuasion. Its lowest level – the “reptile brain” – controls protective behavior and controls the most primitive reactions, such as
“fight or flight.” The middle level – the “mammal brain” – is the seat of emotions, and the highest – the cerebral cortex – is responsible for logical thinking. The “reptile brain” turns on when a person encounters danger. The cerebral cortex also reacts to it, but it does so more slowly, since it first needs to analyze this danger. If you start giving logical arguments to a person whose “reptile brain” has turned on, you will only be wasting your time. To find a common language with your interlocutor, you need to have time to win his favor before a defensive reaction is triggered. This is the job of negotiators who deal with angry or fearful people. An important role in the process of persuasion is also played by mirror neurons - clusters of nerve cells, thanks to which people are able to adapt to others, empathize with them and understand their feelings.

To convince others of the correctness of your point of view, follow these rules:
1. Learn to quickly suppress feelings of resentment. In a stressful situation, your body is at the mercy of a defensive reaction. After some time, you calm down and regain the ability to think logically. To regain this ability in seconds rather than hours, learn to quickly move from panic to calm focus. When you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, notice to yourself exactly what feelings you are experiencing. The moment you call fear fear and anger rage, the logical part of your brain turns on and you gain control over your emotions. Gradually, you will learn to calmly respond to situations of acute discomfort, and this skill will serve you well when establishing contacts with others.
2. Switch to hearing. Our perception of the words and actions of another person depends on our opinion about him - often biased. For example, if a secretary forgets to hand over a package of important documents to a courier, you will most likely think that she is doing a poor job. However, you will change your mind if you find out that she spent the whole night at the bedside of her sick relative. When we make hasty judgments about people, we fail to hear what they are trying to tell us. Learn to monitor your reaction to the words and actions of other people. Always strive to understand which judgments about others have a real basis and which stem from preconceived notions.
3. Make the other person feel like you understand their emotions. When you empathize with a person, he stops feeling lonely. First of all, pay attention to the experiences of the people around you, and not to what you want to achieve from them. Try the following technique. Tell the person, “I want to understand how you feel. I think that you…” – and describe his emotions.
4. Show interest in others. Most people strive to impress others and try to attract their attention. However, a person who is primarily concerned with the impression he makes usually does not listen to the interlocutor. Therefore, during a conversation, pay all your attention to your interlocutor. Let him feel that he is playing first fiddle. Ask him questions from time to time and listen carefully to the answers. Check whether you understand the interlocutor well by repeating his remarks in paraphrased form.
5. Show people you appreciate them. Each of us wants to be a significant person. Show others that you value them highly, and they will trust you in return. It's easy to tell the person you like that you appreciate them -
it is much more difficult to say this to someone who dislikes you. We should not forget that the behavior of such people often has understandable reasons. As a rule, people you dislike also want warmth and attention. Give them this and you will win them over.
6. Help people vent their emotions. A person who is upset about something does not communicate well because his thoughts are occupied with the problem that bothers him. Help him to throw out negative emotions to feel relief, and then it will be easier for you to find a common language with him. Let the person talk. Don't interrupt and don't rush to give advice. Your job is to listen and from time to time ask the other person to continue. To calm him down, encourage him to close his eyes and take a few deep breaths. This technique is especially effective when communicating with teenagers.
7. Get rid of falsehood in your own behavior. Your attempts to show your interlocutor your intelligence can be perceived as a desire to prick him, and ostentatious self-confidence can be perceived as arrogance. The discrepancy between how others see you and your idea of it often becomes an obstacle
in search of a common language with people. To find out what others think of you, ask a few people whose opinions you trust.
8. The best way out is frankness. When you pretend you're okay when you're not, it's like you're putting up an invisible wall between yourself and those around you. Sometimes you need to show people your vulnerability. By doing this, you will find that most of them will be willing to forgive your mistakes and offer their help. Ask for help before you really need it.
9. Avoid people who provoke conflicts. Sometimes we meet people who only know how to absorb other people's energy and demand attention. They are always dissatisfied with something, it costs them nothing to let a person down, they always find excuses for their mistakes and in every possible way avoid taking responsibility. When encountering such people, try to minimize their negative influence or completely avoid communicating with them.

Twelve simple ways to connect with people

When looking for a way out of difficult situations, use the following techniques:
1. “The question of the impossible.” People are always ready to come up with a range of plausible reasons why you shouldn't do what you're about to do. The main thing in such a situation is to convince them that the goal is achievable. To do this, you can use a technique invented by business consultant Dave Hibbard. When someone dismisses an idea as impossible, ask them this question: “Is there anything that is almost impossible to do, but if you do it, you will achieve tremendous success?” After listening to the answer, ask: “What needs to be done to make this possible?” This way you will overcome the defensive reaction of your interlocutor and make him think - now he will not resist your arguments and will begin to think in the same direction as you.
2. “Magic trick.” When things are not going well for a person, he becomes tense and takes a defensive position. Don’t rush to scold him, but try to understand what feelings he is experiencing. Surprise him by saying the following: “I bet you're sure no one knows how hard you try or how much pressure you have to work under.” Once the employee sees that you understand him well, he will begin to agree with you, and as a result, the overall tone of the conversation will change from negative to positive.
3. “A charge of empathy.” There are people who like to criticize others. However, such an outburst of negativity can hardly be considered normal communication. To stop a person who is carried away by denouncing others, give him a “charge of empathy,” that is, help him move from irritation to sympathy. If one person criticizes someone in front of you, invite him to put himself in the other person’s place. When the accuser begins to empathize with the accused, negative emotions will fade into the background, giving way to a readiness for dialogue.
4. “Reverse charge of empathy.” This technique is effective when dealing with an employee who knows he doesn't have your favor. Its essence is
is as follows: instead of making claims against such a person, apologize to him. List situations in which you may have been unfair to him. For example, you could say, “You probably think I give you all the boring work.” If the employee agrees, express your regret and promise to correct the situation. After such a conversation, the employee will return to work with renewed vigor.
5. “Do you really think so?” People tend to exaggerate the severity of the problems they face. When your interlocutor shows strong anxiety about a problem, calmly ask him: “Do you really think that everything is that bad?” This question will make him look at the situation differently. In those cases when a person believes that the problem he is facing is indeed very serious, offer him help in solving it.
6. The power of “hmm…” Communicating with a person who is very irritated by something is not easy. The first thing you want to do in such a situation is to show retaliatory aggression or take a defensive position. However, instead of all this, try just saying “hmm...”. This simple technique will encourage the person to speak up and demonstrate that you care about their concerns. Tension will decrease, and the interlocutor will tune in to find a solution to the problem that bothers him.
7. “Communication Gambit.” Don't hide your shortcomings. For example, if you stutter, mention this at the very beginning of the conversation so that both you and the other person do not feel uncomfortable. By sharing your weaknesses on your own initiative during a job interview, you can explain to a potential employer why those weaknesses do not affect your professional qualities.
8. From superficial to genuine communication. Most conversations between people concern everyday trifles and do not affect their experiences. To establish a strong connection with a person, ask him a question that will encourage him to think and then tell him something personally about himself. For example, ask him: “If you had the opportunity to change something about the company, what would you do?” or “Did you have a hard time early in your career?”
9. “Side by Side.” One of the most effective ways to find a common language with a person is to communicate with him when, for example, you are having lunch at the same table, preparing correspondence for sending, or driving in a car. Contacts of this kind are conducive to sincere conversation. Use such situations to get to know your interlocutor better. This method is also effective when communicating between parents and children.
10. “Filling in the blanks.” Any experienced sales professional knows that conversations with clients should not be turned into interrogations. Invite your interlocutor to “fill in the gaps” in the conversation. For example, tell the client: “You are going to buy our software package because...”, and then ask him to complete the sentence himself. The client will thus be able to explain in his own words what he really needs.
11. “Is “no” really a “no”?” If you have not heard a decisive and unequivocal refusal from the client, then perhaps all is not lost. In the business world, “no” sometimes means “maybe,” so always have a follow-up question ready. For example, if a potential client says that he is not interested in your company's products, try asking him: “Perhaps I was too persistent... Did I miss something important to you?” This will re-engage him in the conversation and give you a chance to get him to agree.
12. Emphasized expression of gratitude or regret. In some situations, we are required to do more than just “thank you.” To do this, thank the employee in the presence of colleagues, formalize your gratitude in writing, or give a gift. Let people know that you appreciate their efforts and that their work is important to you. There are also situations that require a special approach to expressing regret (for example, in cases where a simple “sorry” will not be enough). This approach consists of steps such as demonstrating remorse, correcting the mistake, rebuilding trust, and asking for forgiveness.

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This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the Speaker"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer“I came, I saw, I convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler"Key Negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

In memory of Edwin Shneidman, a pioneer in the field of suicide research and prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Center for Suicide Prevention, and my respected mentor.

To my readers.

Glad I can teach you these important lessons.

Preface

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, “Talking to this person is like banging your head against a stone wall.”

I met Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I got us to become business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's thought leaders and my trusted advisor. Having observed his work over time, I can explain why everyone from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey listens when Mark talks about how to persuade people - his techniques are so simple and effective.

Keith Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hawken. "Natural Capitalism"

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, pleas, anger, but every time you seemed to hit a wall. You get confused, scared or frustrated and think, “What’s going to happen next?”

It is at this moment that I appear.