How not to expect anything from others. Our expectations. What to expect from people and life? Don't expect people to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

If you will be expect too much from other people, instead of making yourself, then this will produce the opposite result.

You should never become dependent on third parties, because no one knows what will happen tomorrow, everything can change, people will become completely different. They can hurt us. And, unfortunately, no one is immune from this.

But we live in an environment of expectations, often unrealistic. And only when one disappointment follows another, we begin to realize that perhaps it is time to change our attitude towards other people. Need to stop expect too much from them - this is a good solution to the problem.

Mismatching expectations with reality leads to disappointment

Waiting for what will never happen(or even if there is such a probability, but very small), - wrong action: it will invariably make us suffer from disappointment.

Don't expect too much... Just because you have no control over it: people act according to their own interests. They can change their mind at any time.

But do you know who you can really rely on? On themselves, and only!

Based on the foregoing, we bring to your attention 4 ways that can help you change your attitude towards others. And make this “transition” as smooth as possible. So that you stop expecting too much from other people and at the same time do not experience excruciating suffering.

Believe me it will free you, allow you to throw off the burden of unrealistic expectations whom you had the imprudence to trust. It's time to stop waiting and finally start.

1. Learn to differentiate: expectations or addiction?

You may not have thought about it, but in many cases You make other people responsible for your happiness. Therefore, your emotional state also depends on their actions.

In other words, you become addicted to them. Because they themselves shifted responsibility for what, in fact, belongs only to you.

But understand it is impossible to be happy if you are completely dependent on others. Try to remove these shackles from yourself, leaving empty expectations aside. You will see that happiness is in your hands. And only you are responsible for it.

2. You don't necessarily get the same thing in return: accept the fact

We are always told that if we give something to someone, we should not expect "feedback". But despite this, deep down we still hope to be rewarded in some way.

For this reason, we expect other people to act and treat us in the same way that we treat them.

Thus, we plunge into a situation where expectations again take first place. But need accept people for who they are. We must admit that not all of them will treat us in the best way.

And don't worry about it. You should feel satisfaction (and be happy) only from your own actions. But not on how you were thanked (sufficiently or not).

3. Never idealize: neither the people nor the situation

Expectations are always connected in one way or another with idealized representations. For example, in a couple's relationship, one can often see that one of the partners sees the other as perfect, no flaws. Over time, this changes and, naturally, causes a feeling of frustration.

If you tend to idealize situations or people, then consider that things can change. And not for the better. It will hurt you. Then you will even realize that you yourself are to blame for this. 'Cause you can't control others idealization is a belief in a dream that will not come true.

4. We all have flaws and we are imperfect too.

Maybe you really have not let anyone down in this life and have not seen that for someone you were the cause of disappointment.

But this does not mean that other people did not expect something more from you, and that you did not, and thus did not live up to their expectations.

We are all imperfect, so we must accept ourselves for who we are. So how about doing it? And not wait for "something" that will never happen?

Then, if someone treats you badly (in your opinion), you will take it calmly. And if a person does, then you will be pleasantly surprised.

Expecting too much from others will never lead to a positive outcome.. And if you are already tired of disappointments, you are tired of watching people change depending on their goals and interests, finally stop expecting something from them.

The only person you can count on is yourself. Accept others, do not let your happiness depend on their actions and deeds. Be free from everything that prevents you from moving forward and moving towards your intended goal.

Stop waiting, start living. Live for real!

The most common model of relationships - dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love the other, to idealize the other, to curse the other too ... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to think that something is wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on oneself, that brings us much suffering and pain. After all, when two people go deep into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other's deepest wounds and press on the most painful points.

What causes our dependence in a relationship? And what is she hiding underneath? How "inevitable" is our suffering?

If you smiled and thought "well, this is not about me," do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of addictive relationships are opaque and insidious, and it takes purposeful awareness and courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown into the cold, then into the heat - from the feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically rolls over the feeling of his powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which slowly but surely kills both. Or do you often seek relief in alcohol, food, work, sex, or some other external stimulus to distract you from your worries, your inability to experience feelings of true intimacy and love. Yes, and the role of a martyr is given to you especially elegantly and naturally ... Then look, don’t be afraid, look into the face of what may have been forced out of your consciousness, what you have denied in yourself for many years or even “did not guess” - your addiction.

Features of the manifestation of dependence:

• A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. Without a partner, he does not think of himself at all. In relationships, he seems to be supplemented to the whole, but at what cost - renouncing himself. He looks at the other as the source of his happiness and the fullness of existence. If I am not happy, then I hold the other person responsible for it.
• An addicted person constantly depends on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
• Dependent persons find it very difficult to separate themselves from their partners. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they seek to increase infantile interdependence rather than reduce it. They thus reduce their value, sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine the freedom of a partner.
• Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the individuality, uniqueness, "friendship" of a loved one. True, they do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person says to another: "I can not live without you", It's not love, it's manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
• Dependent people are looking for a couple, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that love relationships will cure them of boredom, longing, lack of meaning in life. They hope that the partner will fill the void in their lives. But when we choose a mate, placing such hopes on her, in the end, we cannot avoid hating a person who has not lived up to our expectations.
• Unable to define their psychological boundaries. Dependent people don't know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
• Always trying to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, wear masks of "goodness". Thus, dependent people try to control the perception of other people. But at what cost - betraying their true feelings, needs.
• They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but listen to the opinions of others.
• They try to be needed by other people. They often play the role of "rescuers".
• Jealous.
• They experience difficulties on their own.
• They idealize a partner and become disappointed in him over time.
• Unconnected with their dignity and intrinsic value.
• They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
• They believe that the partner must change.

Addiction It is a relationship with a fixation on another person.

Adult codependency occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish a relationship with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes a part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither of them can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other like glued on. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

The addicted lover strategy

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the "beloved" dominate the mind, becoming an overvalued idea. Characterized by obsession in behavior, in emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants a partner to make him happy (as in a fairy tale: "go there, I don't know where, bring something, I don't know what"…).

The love of an addict is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.

There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, the person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fear, while the other feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. Jealousy is present - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.

The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person who is in the system of these relations, without criticism of his condition. Waiting is the first, weak form of "demanding"... And demanding is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at oneself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of a dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of being abandoned. By his behavior, he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level, it is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate "healthy" intimacy. He is afraid to be in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner for himself who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed, experienced psychological trauma when showing intimacy to parents.

In my understanding, love between two people can take place only when each of them has become a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when relationships come from freedom.

1. Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and the freedom of choice that you give to another person. It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. To comply with obligations to a loved one, but at the same time let him breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let go of the one you love, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

1. To love is to be there when you need it, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. "When two devastated souls meet, they are already tired of each other right away, their relationship is doomed"(Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do it impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This is made possible through trust and conscientiousness.

1. A relationship of Freedom and Love is fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to protect themselves from each other, control (themselves and a partner) and manipulate. Love means that next to you a person can be real. He is allowed to be weak, he is allowed to doubt, he is allowed to be ugly, he is allowed to get sick, he is allowed to make mistakes. To love a person more than the actions that he performs. To be the one about whom they know that he will never betray. We love and love just like that, for nothing, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not fear and insufficiency. We love, not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
2. Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on oneself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, is freed from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.

This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you are free, you respect and appreciate the freedom of your partner. Become a source of freedom...

"Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other's freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy any addictions. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears"(Osho).

If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready for anything, just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to find inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and do not find it, there is a simple technique - the gratitude technique!

Find time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.

• What am I thanking this man for?

• What attracts me to it?

• What happens to me when I interact with him?

• How are we similar?

• Where does it expand me? What can I learn from him?

• Why can't I still delete his contact?

• What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?

• What binds us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?

• What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?

• How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?

• What am I like because of my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadow of my consciousness, has found light?
• Can I go on by myself? Bless and release him? Is there love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is not yet completed between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to what is already in the past?

You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

1. Don't expect people to agree with you on everything.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life the way you dream. So don't let someone else's opinions lead you astray. In this world, you do not live to meet the expectations of other people, just as other people do not live to fully meet your expectations. In fact, if you approve the decisions you make, you don't need anyone else's approval.

Take the risk of being yourself and relying on your intuition, even if you are shy or afraid. Don't compare yourself to others and don't envy their success.

2. Don't expect people to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

Strength is in the strength of the spirit, not the muscles. Strength lies in the presence of principles and the willingness to demonstrate and defend them. Understand that others will not show you love, respect and attention until you yourself begin to appreciate yourself.

It is important to be kind to others, but it is equally important to be kind to yourself.

When you love and respect yourself, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy.

And when you are happy, you become a better person: a better friend, a better husband or wife, a better son or daughter, a better version of yourself.

3. Don't expect everyone to like you.

With some people you may feel worthless, unworthy person, with others you may not feel your own importance. Don't forget your value. And spend time with people who appreciate you.

It doesn't matter how well you treat other people, there will always be at least one negative person who will criticize you. Smile, ignore and move on.

Sometimes people may judge you for being "different". But really, it's great. What makes you different from others makes you yourself. And in the end, you will always find people who will appreciate you for who you are.

4. Don't expect the other person to be the way you want them to be.

Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves.

When you stop expecting others to live up to your idea of ​​right, you will begin to truly appreciate them.

Respect others for who they are rather than pressuring them to change. We cannot know another person thoroughly (despite the fact that we sometimes think so). And discovering new facets of his soul, character is always wonderful. And the more you get to know another person, the easier it will be for you to appreciate him and see his beauty.

5. Don't expect people to read your mind.

You probably know that people can't read minds. They will never know how you really feel unless you tell them yourself. For example, your boss may not think about it if you don't talk to him yourself. And a nice guy or girl will never talk to you because you are too shy: how can he or she talk to you if you are constantly hiding from them?

It is extremely important to communicate regularly with others. You just need to tighten your vocal cords and say the first word. You have to tell people what you think. It's easy, you just need to start.

6. Don't expect the person to suddenly change.

A common misconception is that if you care deeply about someone, they will eventually stop disappointing you and change. No, it won't. If you really want to change something in the behavior of another person, put all the cards on the table, tell it like it is, so that he understands how you feel and what you need.

You cannot change another in an instant, it is not worth even trying. Either accept it the way it is, or go on living without it.

When you try to change others, most of the time they stay the same. But when you support people, give them complete freedom - they miraculously change themselves.

7. Don't wait for things to get better

Be kind to others, because people around you can also be difficult. Behind each is an intense internal struggle, often with the same problems as you.

We are all endowed with the ability to go through adversity and adversity instead of avoiding it. Support, participation and compliance are the best gifts in life. We get them often. We must learn to accept them, because we all share the same dreams, needs and aspirations.

People don't always behave the way we want. As the saying goes, we hope for the best and expect the worst. Remember, your happiness is directly related to your thoughts and your choice of how you look at things. And always remember that if people made you feel something new or taught you something new, it means that they did not appear in vain in your life, despite all the difficulties.

Falling asleep in the evening, we expect that tomorrow will be morning. Leaving the train, the girl expects a hand from the guy, on which she can lean. Adequate people's expectations are a representation of what is likely to happen.

However, there are other expectations as well. If I really look forward to a letter, behind this is my desire, my WANT, and my belief that a letter MUST be written to me. Desires and beliefs, our WANT and confidence that - the basis of subjective expectations, which are associated with dreams and worries, experiences and disassembly.

A typical sign of high expectations is the annoyance you feel in the presence of a particular person. If you often cannot control yourself, throw caustic reproaches, go to provoke a conflict - most likely, you are expecting something from a person.

Are people obligated to do what you expect them to do? Of course not. You never know who expects what from whom ... Young people expect a girl to immediately go to have sex with him, because they like each other, but he wants to. And the girls are waiting for young people to immediately confess their love to them like that, or even offer them marriage. No. Many of our expectations are not legitimate and unrealistic, and it is better to say goodbye to such expectations right away.

Mentally mature people do this easily: in fact, they do not expect anything from anyone without serious reasons, their original principle is "NOBODY owes ANYTHING TO ANYONE". It is difficult and painful for people with the soul of a child with their unrealistic and unrealistic expectations to say goodbye: they are accustomed to believing in fairy tales, they are accustomed to the fact that they should have everything they want. They are accustomed to insist on their desires ...

Dear, sooner or later childhood ends. It's time to grow up. If you walk around and fuel your unfulfilled expectations, there will be only one thing: you will walk around tense and angry. Do you need it? In addition, a lot of extra time is spent on unproductive conversations and experiences, and efficient people do not have extra time.

How do you know what your expectations are, realistic or not? Wait or not wait for this man to propose to you? The most serious recommendation sounds like a mockery: "Turn on your head. Start thinking!" Unfortunately, this is not a mockery. A huge number of people, especially girls, prefer to live with feelings, not including their heads, filling themselves with dreams and hopes, fears and fears without thinking. If you ask such a girl simple questions: "How many girls has this man dated before you in the past six months? Is he divorced? Did he introduce you to his parents? Did he discuss the topic of family and children with you, or at least spend the next vacation together?" , then the girl is quite capable of answering them on her own and coming to a very definite answer.

Remove feelings, start thinking. If you can't figure it out yourself, talk to smart people. If you have already tried everything (connected relatives, friends, a psychologist to brainstorming, re-read many books and films on this topic), and the situation stands still or even some deterioration has appeared, it looks like you are breaking through a closed door and there is nothing to expect. Your expectations are unrealistic and, most likely, it is better for you to occupy yourself with another project.

Instead of starting to think, many people prefer to complain: “I always helped him, but he rejected me when I first needed help from him”, “Close people should not betray”, etc. This is empty, stop complaining: your words will not change anything. Who told you that people are reasonable and the world is fair?

Adequate people expect only what they can actually get. And smart people not only expect, but also express their expectations directly, openly (and usually politely). Don't keep your expectations to yourself, don't play telepathy. No one will get into your head, and your feeling of “how can you not guess that ?!” and “how can you not understand this ?!” - only your problems.

Therefore, if your expectations are legitimate - talk about your expectations, make them into requests or proposals. It is not obvious that your requests and suggestions will be answered, but at least you tried and you can already draw conclusions from which people you can expect. Learn to understand people. Only those who 1) are dear to you, 2) who are afraid of losing you, and 3) people who are empathic in their nature, will respond to your expectations. Therefore: select people and build relationships where you are needed and dear. This is more promising.

Videos from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.