“Who am I: a two-faced boor or do I have the right?”: daughter-in-law VS mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is disgusting to me. My mother-in-law is a stupid fool.

Background: My husband and his mother have had a tense relationship since birth... why? judge for yourself.....

Long-awaited pregnancy, surprise for Christmas! Joy! The husband writes an SMS to his mother: Maman! Congratulations! Soon you will become a grandmother!

Oh what happened!!! She calls back and YELLS: WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I TO YOU!? What are you allowing yourself to do there!? What do you call me? ... but she didn’t even see that her granddaughter would be born soon... But she saw that she was named MAMN...

I came to visit her a day later and scolded her (correctly) that her son shared his joy with you, and YOU? Did you just see a text message about yourself? She sat, then said: Oh... yes, I’m like this... I’m wrong... oh, what should I do? I ran to my son’s car (he didn’t come in because of this) to apologize... I don’t know how their conversation took place, but he was not happy with it.

Situevina is next. I end up in storage with bleeding in the early stages. His mom calls me and starts YELLING into the phone that my husband has received a letter about the debt, what is this?! What kind of letter? Why did it come to me?! I quietly explain that I can’t talk, that I’m in the hospital and now there’s an IV and everyone in the room is sleeping, but he doesn’t even hear and keeps YELLING, what are these debts? I silently hung up.

5 minutes later he calls back: Oh, sorry, forgive me, why didn’t you say that you were in the hospital?

I TOLD YOU!!! She didn’t explain anything to her, she simply said that you need to think a little with your head who you’re calling and what you’re saying. I decided not to communicate with her at all during pregnancy, protected myself. She called, complained that I didn’t answer. But I survived these 9 months.

Extract from the maternity hospital: I'm stuck! She didn’t even let my relatives approach the child! I had three of them: Mom’s sister and her husband, but she was ALONE, and my mother said in my ear: Well, don’t push against her, she won’t let you come up and that’s all...

My relatives bought us everything for the child, helped us, organized the table, and organized the discharge! And they were never able to approach the baby! And this OTTER came ready and grabbed the child and that’s it, even in the video her head and her face are everywhere! I WILL NOT FORGIVE HER!!! Mine were so upset... According to the plan, my mother was supposed to take her granddaughter in the car, because... my husband was driving.

We came home and she wouldn’t let me approach my daughter either. My hands are pulled away from her in the video, it’s all clearly visible! I still look at it and want to slap her soooooooo much on her hands!

Brought gifts: Overalls for a 2 year old child!!! and a rattle! Despite the fact that my family gave it and bought it, I silently swallowed her gift and she was also offended that it was too big!!! Fucking stupid!!! He says: I don’t know that there are even smaller sizes... Couldn’t you have asked the seller???? and for the girl’s attention, she bought BOOKS as a gift!!! She bought BOOKS for the newborn girl!!! Well, now is the time to learn how to read!!! I'm shocked by her. We just threw away all the extra books so as not to accumulate dust, but she brought us a pack!!! horror!!! She would also bring Marx’s “CAPITAL” as a gift!

In general, she buys a pack of diapers once a month (we are 2 months old) and thinks that she does a lot for us. And she also demands that we bring her granddaughter or ask for a visit. I refused her! She said, no, we won’t come and visit us! Whenever possible, I'll decide for myself. My husband is on my side.

Please give me some advice on how to change your attitude towards your mother-in-law? I have been married for 6 years, my husband and I have an ordinary family, we love each other, we have two children. And everything seemed great if it weren’t for his mother. She irritates me terribly, I can hardly restrain myself so as not to be rude, although I have a good relationship with my father-in-law. I’ll say right away that they have 2 sons in the family, and the other brother’s wife also cannot stand her mother-in-law. The fact is that some of her actions disgust me to the point of disgust. For example, a year after the wedding, she gave me photographs of my husband with the girls. The photos are old, before we met. I don’t know where she got them, and I don’t know why she did it either. We already had a child. She gave a stupid explanation: so that her son, in case of discord in the family, would always remember that girls like him. And there were a lot of such bad things on her part. More eavesdropping. She always stands under the doors, and then spreads gossip, because she definitely won’t hear. She also always sticks her nose everywhere, and if you make a remark to her that it’s none of your business, she gets offended and immediately starts crying. She always roars, with or without reason, it infuriates me. Her family no longer pays attention, but I can’t. We live separately. Because of my attitude towards my mother-in-law, there are often scandals with my husband. I understand that this is his mother and I must respect her. But how can I force myself if this person is disgusting to me? I can’t communicate because the children are small, I often have to ask to sit with them.

Svetlana, Kazan, 26 years old / 08/26/14

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  Svetlana, this is the case when you need to take it and do what you need. If you want to change your attitude towards your mother-in-law, change it. There are no special magic words, potions, pills or ritual dances for this. It's all in your head. Yes, a mother-in-law is not a gift, to put it mildly. Yes, what she is doing is not normal. Strictly speaking, what you write about has nothing to do with the behavior of a normal adult. And, apparently, your husband's mother actually has certain mental disorders that her family is well aware of, but which they do not want to discuss. How do adults usually behave with people who are not violent, but not quite adequate? That's right: as with children who need guardianship and care. Your mother-in-law is clearly a sick person. Unfortunately, the direction in which she is moving in her “senility” suggests that she has a rather low level of education and a very low initial level of intelligence. This is not an insult. The fact is that the lower the level of intelligence and education a person has in adulthood, the stronger and more unpleasantly he degrades with age. Your mother-in-law is clearly undergoing rapid degradation. She doesn't work yet, right? In general, what she does is a consequence of illness, and not of some insidious intent. Most likely, “intention” is generally difficult here. Everything is done spontaneously. Almost certainly she was rummaging through old trash, found old photographs of her son and slipped them to you. And when she had to explain why, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind and seemed witty from her low bell tower. But you didn’t appreciate it (not surprising). But, I repeat, do not take this personally, personally. This is just a sick woman whose personality is deteriorating faster than her body. This happens, unfortunately. The best thing you can do in this situation is to feel sorry for her and continue to perceive her antics in the same way as the misdeeds of your children - with condescension to their age and level of intellectual development. And you shouldn’t discuss this with your husband, much less argue with him about his mother. Parents are not chosen. The only thing I wouldn’t do is give such a grandmother children. Because, firstly, children do not need to witness inadequacy on the part of significant adults. And secondly, who knows what will come to your grandmother’s mind next time and how it will end for the children.

• Sergey

  Svetlana, unfortunately, I can’t advise anything other than gaining wisdom and learning to endure. Alas, all people are different, and not all of us are angels, especially in old age. By the way, you yourself are the mother of two children, and if you have sons, then this is a reason for you to think about how you yourself will react to your daughters-in-law. Unfortunately, often for a mother, her son’s marriage is at least a big nuisance. After all, he leaves from under her power to some ugly young and arrogant girl who doesn’t understand anything in this life, but imagines herself to be someone who doesn’t know what. Moreover, he completely forgets about the one to whom he owes everything, and stops paying enough attention. It’s clear that he does this because this impudent girl does not allow him to communicate with his mother. Well, how can you resist starting to lecture or put people in their place? If we add to this the inevitable changes in brain activity and the real fear of being left alone, then the picture turns out to be completely bleak. So daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law squabble with each other. But most often the problem is that men really communicate with their mothers much less and in a more utilitarian way. Well, their wives, accordingly, perceive such a grandmother solely as a free care center for children, not considering this as something worthy of gratitude. And very few people have the wisdom to learn to communicate with their husband’s mother as with a close relative, showing care and warmth. Yes, it’s not easy, and it’s much easier to turn to your own mother than to try to establish contact with some stranger. Apparently, it’s not given to you either. Then you will have to endure. Well, or stop all communication. I don’t see any other options that are not in conflict with the Criminal Code.

Did your mother-in-law get enough? Tortured, no strength? You have found exactly what you need! This site was created by a soul suffering from mother-in-law and for like-minded women who suffer from mothers-in-law. The problem of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law goes back far into the past and remains to this day. And this is very sad. But we won't give up! We will find ways to fight the powerful furies who protect their boys from us. We will cope with them and win! Because this is our time, and their time has already passed! Now we are the main ones in the lives of our men, not their mothers! And if you are a daughter-in-law, then, most likely, you are, at best, unhappy with your mother-in-law, and at worst, you are ready to get a divorce because of her. And precisely in order to prevent the worst from happening, we are here creating a community of offended daughters-in-law, ready to stand up for themselves and their happiness, ready to fight for their family hearth, and emerge victorious, no matter what! Join our movement Svekra.ru, and you will find peace of mind in your soul, share your suffering, hear advice and guidance, enjoy humor and lightness of state of mind!

Which of us, having gotten married and received a mother-in-law as a reward, has not heard from our “wise with experience” and “gray-haired” acquaintances the saying that the affectionate body of two mothers sucks? Or about a bad world that is better than a good quarrel?

I followed this worldly wisdom for ten years. I respected my husband’s parents and therefore did not contradict them in anything. They are people with experience. They gave birth to and raised such a wonderful son.

Respected the personal space of her parents-in-law. Straight from the wedding table, we went to spend the night in a hostel and stayed there for eight years.

Well, how could it be otherwise if my parents are in another city, and they have already raised their own children for a long time, earned square meters with sweat and blood and have every right to live on them in peace and quiet, at least in their old age?

She taught her sons to love their grandparents, regardless of the number and cost of gifts with which they come to visit, to take care of them in old age, not to deprive them of attention and to accept them as they are.

I didn’t argue, I didn’t get stuck, I smoothed out the rough edges, I relied only on myself and was endlessly grateful for every little thing. After all, these are the parents of my beloved, because if it were not for them, then my family happiness would not exist either.

Well, if something doesn’t turn out my way and there are some rough edges between us, then out of respect for their age and other achievements I can remain silent. The crown will not fall off.

It is unknown how long this world would have lasted and how I would have felt in it, if not for one unfortunate misunderstanding.

By the time it all happened, we had already been living in our apartment for a year and a half, which we managed to build by some miracle, while working part-time, saving, carving, and also raising two small children. (Now, to be honest, it’s scary for me to even remember those community-maternity years).

And my mother-in-law became a fairly frequent guest in our family. She didn’t really like coming to the hostel; she constantly sighed that there was no noise, commotion or conditions. But in a new apartment there is one inconvenience - two transfers before you get there.

It's not that I really liked such visits. Firstly, they added worries. Clean everything perfectly, prepare food, listen to smart conversations all evening.

And with the eldest, we need to have time to do our homework, because he is not very independent yet, the younger one should be occupied with something, so that he does not rush around the house at this time, and does not raise the pressure of the grandmother.

And secondly, there was a feeling that she was not just visiting, but as if she was on an inspection. He seems to be smiling at you, but his eyes are cold, cold, and darting around.

Of course, I chalked it up to my suspiciousness... but it didn’t get any easier.

And then one day...

That day I managed to leave work early. The reports have been compiled and submitted, the director is in a good mood. So I decided to run to the store for a cake.

And my mother-in-law will have a treat for tea, and I’ll pamper my family. I came, I chose, I stood in line. Suddenly I hear a familiar voice.

Lo and behold, the “second mother” is just a couple of people ahead, along with her friend in the same line. Standing there, pouring out the nightingale.

And her conversation is not about anyone, but about her unlucky daughter-in-law. Which will neither properly prepare food nor put it together for the table as it should be. Her house was overgrown with cobwebs. Children are grimy fools.

It's as terrible as a nuclear war. And how can her golden son endure so many years in such an atmosphere... In his youth, he got caught in the web with his claw, and got stuck with his whole paw. It seems like he would have left... but the children... He has been suffering like this for ten years now.

How I paid for my cake, went out and didn’t smear it all over her back, I still don’t understand. Apparently, the nerves are strong. It was even enough for the evening. True, she couldn’t smile at her ranting, but she didn’t spit either.

I waited a little while for “mom” to go home. She took her husband into the kitchen, away from the children’s ears, and laid out everything as best she could.

I thought that while I was telling him, his face would change and rush to defend me. But it was not there.

My husband listened, stroked my back and said that everything seemed to me. That his mother had never been seen in that area, didn’t like pastries from that store, and didn’t say a single rude word about me in front of him. As they say, I am not me and the house is not mine. But he vowed to look into the situation.

The showdown ended quite unexpectedly. Less than a week had passed before they made me understand that my husband’s mother is a sweet person, intelligent and of a fine spiritual nature. And I am a two-faced boor. For so many years I took advantage of her kindness, and such a stone was hidden in my bosom.

It would be fine if it ended there. But from that incident she was decoded. If before she smiled and called me darling, now, as soon as we were alone, she hissed through her teeth, wished for all sorts of nasty things and it just didn’t come to hand-to-hand combat.

Relations with my husband also became strained to the limit. He either didn’t see what his mother was doing, or didn’t consider this attitude towards me offensive.

The father-in-law did not lag behind, adding fuel to the fire, transparently hinting that his daughter-in-law was a little damaged in her mind.

And my parents only knew that they advised me to remain silent, be patient and not be offended by the stupid woman.

However, it was impossible not to be offended. Every time the door closed behind her, I began to gnaw at myself from the inside. And one day I decided that I had enough.

Ten years of bad peace is a decent amount of time. It’s stupid to cry and appeal to someone’s conscience, since no one wants to hear me.

It's time to try a good fight. She waited for the moment and allowed herself too much in the relationship. A little bit, just a little bit. Having answered her call on the phone with a formal, polite phrase, I added a couple of words on my own behalf in a quiet, quiet voice, sincerely hoping that my mother-in-law did not use a voice recorder during our conversations.

The silence that followed was deafening... and so pleasant! For the first time in months, I slept peacefully.

Lose ground. I forgot to control myself. I was breaking down in the presence of strangers more and more often. She was not ready for the fact that some “pathetic mongrel” would be capable of not only showing her teeth, but also biting properly.

To all my husband’s attempts to clarify the situation in heart-to-heart conversations, I answered with his own words. Honey, your mom is just tired. She needs to rest. She is an older woman, nothing has happened in her life for a long time, and she decided to invent some kind of tragedy for herself.

Well, if you don’t believe me, then you will have to not leave us for a minute. To make sure I show her enough respect.

Some might say that this is low and mean. I will say that this is simply a triumph of justice.

Having given myself permission to inflict targeted psychological attacks, I stopped suffering from low self-esteem, experiencing unpleasant moments many times, accumulating grievances and weakening my nervous system.

And the mother-in-law... the mother-in-law slowly began to understand that the insult said could come back in response. That she, too, can be ignored and harassed with nagging out of nowhere. That the daughter-in-law can also have the right to vote.