As long as we wait for a partner to solve our problems, fulfill our desires, fill the inner emptiness and generally give meaning to our whole life, true love will remain for us ... inaccessible.

He (she) is it? Why is it so hard to meet your soul mate? How to understand that this is really love? And do they really love me? .. Our whole life with dreams of great love is built around such questions. They worry us, and we tirelessly ask them to ourselves, and sometimes to our partners. In the age of consumerism, when romance in flowers and chocolate hearts is sold every year on February 14 and March 8, and sex is increasingly being run by glossy magazines and intimate goods sellers, love is also becoming a consumer product. In a society where quick results without effort, win-win recipes and guarantees against any risks are quoted, we also unwittingly build our love into the format of instant profitability:“You disappoint me - we are less attracted to each other - that's it, it's time to leave!”

We want it hotter

“When the first love subsides and the relationship becomes smoother, many couples really break up,” confirms family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Many men and women are sure that to truly love means to be completely in the flow of passion.. The pursuit of strong emotions is preferable to harmony, balance in relationships, the desire to get to know the world of your chosen one better. Some may even have an idea of ​​​​love as a kind of addiction, in terms of strength akin to a drug.

The thirst for continuous search is also fed by the Internet. “Thousands of new people come to meet every day,” boasts an advertisement for one of the popular dating sites. “And this means that there will always be a reason for a new meeting!” The ability to quickly browse, unlimited casting of candidates creates the illusion that we will certainly find what failed this time. “Dating on the Internet is a part of modern life, and in a certain sense they help out a modern person,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. - On the other hand, they form in us a consumer attitude towards love: as if we are in a supermarket, where there is also a department of various partners ... Our communication becomes more intense, the process of acquaintance accelerates. The number of potential contacts is growing, but at the same time they are becoming more brief, ephemeral.”

Ideal is hard to give up.

The image of a handsome prince or a fairy-tale princess seems to still live in our dreams, without being embarrassed by everyday reality. “It is necessary to give up the ideal, almost incorporeal image of your partner in time, otherwise you can fall into the trap of your own delusions,” Inna Khamitova is sure. - When a life together begins, many can not stand the meeting with a real person. There are details that cannot be overlooked, but the ideal image of a beloved makes it difficult to recognize that he is the same person as we are, and we may not like everything about him". But how is that not all? After all, we dream of great, endless and unconditional love! “But only God can love like this,” those who have chosen the spiritual path say, moving away from the world behind the monastery walls. So how to combine the love of a man and a woman with such an unattainable height?

And those who are looking for a couple, and those who have been together for a long time - we all want true love: it seems to us the last chance to fully feel ourselves, to give meaning to our lives. “The view of love has changed a lot since the old days,” notes psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti. - It seems that it has become the only area of ​​​​life in which we can be ourselves, freeing ourselves from other roles that society has loaded us with.».
Desperately, as never before, we place our hopes on love: that it will give everything that we lack, awaken a taste for life and certainly lead to happiness. But are we ready to make sacrifices for this goal? " The space of love is the only one in which our "I" is not bound by rules and can unfold freely, continues Umberto Galimberti. - Therefore, love contributes to the aggravation of our individualism. Today, men and women are looking for in it not so much a relationship with another, but the opportunity to realize their "I". So it turns out that in order to realize ourselves, we need to love - and at the same time, loving is more difficult than ever. Since today we are looking for love through another person, indirectly, our own "I".
However, the desire for self-realization only for its own sake is contrary to the nature of true love: being born between two people, it changes both. Partners in their entirety are revealed not only for themselves, but also for each other. The meeting of two gives birth to a third, new character - their union, and this must be reckoned with. True love requires our patience, perseverance, a clear mind and the ability to accept things as they are. True love is an effort, our wager with life itself. And this love always returns a hundredfold what we have invested in it.

True love means...

American family therapist Harvill Hendrix, in his book How to Get the Love You Want, described ten important steps to advance on the path of true love.
…understand that there is a hidden purpose in our love relationships: to heal those spiritual wounds that each of the two of us carries in the soul from childhood.
...try to see a real person in a partner freed from their own illusions and unjustified expectations.
...love him unconditionally.
...caring for our relationship to improve them day by day.
...understand that the desires and needs of others just as important as our own.
...trust your partner by giving up the destructive habit of being unhappy.
...learn to see the dark side of your soul in order not to project them onto another, not to blame him for what we do not like about ourselves.
...seek strength and opportunity which we lack without expecting another to fill them.
...talk about your needs and wishes of a partner.
...understand and accept that true love is hard.
Why is love blind ?

Alfried Längle, MD, PhD, President of the International Society for Existential Analysis and Logotherapy (GLE-International).

Love is the rest of heaven on earth. Lovers have no problems, all the forces of the world are in their hands, they do not need sleep or food. But true love is different, it is seeing, it sees the human being. Love, they say, blinds. Why? In love, I see a person the way I want to see himb. I still know him so little that I fill everything with my desires.mi. Thus, I am always in love with my own performance. And that is what makes falling in love a heavenly experience, because in my mind there are no shadow sides. In the other, we see his charm, attractiveness, eroticism. And on these carnations we hang our ideas about him.

About it:

• Carl Rogers"Marriage and its alternatives", Eterna, 2006.


• Erich Fromm"The Art of Loving", Azbuka-klassika, 2008.


• Allan and Barbara Pease"Why do men want sex, and women want love", Eksmo, 2009.

The word "love" is often used by people. It is pronounced everywhere: “I love the sea”, “I love walking in the forest”, “I love apples”. But if you ask a person the question “what does it mean to love?”, then rarely will anyone give a clear and precise answer. Let's try to find out what this feeling really is.

What is love not?

There are many meanings of love, but not all of them are fair. People are often mistaken, mistaking for love feelings that have nothing to do with it. There are many common misconceptions, here are the main ones:

In addition, love does not imply constant spending time together. It is necessary to be apart from time to time. This does not mean that the feeling has faded. Being together all the time, people lose the opportunity to look at their loved one with different eyes, to bring something new into the relationship. Meeting friends and short trips without a “second half” will only enrich love.

Get rid of misconceptions about love that only hinder the development of this wonderful feeling.

What does it mean to love?

It is impossible to define what it means to love in one phrase. The state of love includes many components. The right relationship, connected by love, necessarily includes specific definitions. So love means...

Sincere love is a gift that requires nothing in return. Love is paradoxical. After all, becoming one, each of the lovers remains an individual. Love does not tolerate complete control. Turning into everyday life, this feeling can die. Do not follow the path of predictability, surprise your loved ones, and then true love will not lose passion and sensuality.

It is not immediately clear why you think about a certain person so often, why you worry about him, why you see him or her in a dream, why you miss him and what a tickling feeling is somewhere in your chest - this is probably love. Love is an abstract substance that refers to the sensual manifestations of a person and practically defies any explanation. This is the strongest, most unexpected and most desperate human feeling that drives crazy deeds, surprises and a huge number of sacrifices for the sake of a loved one.

Like many other human feelings, love has no logical definitions, and even after millions of years of existence of this feeling, none of the greatest philosophers and thinkers could describe the symptoms of this feeling. Loving a person means not only being emotionally attached, but also feeling the need for physical satisfaction from being around. There is no and cannot be a causal relationship, when feelings for a certain person suddenly arise, because this is one of the few feelings that, as they say, "happens in heaven."

The first steps towards this strong feeling take place with a less strong feeling - falling in love. During this period, a person in love begins to feel new feelings in relation to the one he is in love with. There is affection, a thirst for communication, a quivering look, tenderness and a desire to create a miracle. Love is replaced by a stronger feeling - love. It is this feeling that allows you to see familiar things in a completely different light, and you should not be afraid of it, although most often it is impossible to understand why you love this person and are ready for completely unusual actions for this feeling.

Love is a multifaceted feeling, and “to love a person” has a different meaning for different people, or rather, each person puts different feelings into this concept. For someone, love means respect, pampering, holding hands, talking gently, but at the same time, for another person, love means passion, the desire to be there around the clock, control, not give away to anyone and suffocate alone. But no matter how strong feelings a lover feels, not everyone is given to feel such an unearthly feeling, and if it really visits a person, then this is a great luck that needs to be appreciated and enjoyed every moment of it.

The biggest test for love is time and distance. Lovers experience the strongest feelings in the first months of communication, they try to get enough of each other, and relationships develop at an incredible speed. At this time, lovers are as if in a bubble, away from the whole world, and they unconditionally like it. Then the lovers slowly return to a measured course and try to change their old life, finding a place for new feelings. During this period, the bright fire blazing for the first few months begins to subside, and there is that testing time for love when it takes on a more enduring look. And if even after a few years the feeling of love does not leave the people who were once in love and they are still in their impromptu bubble, it means that their destinies did not cross in vain. Further, such feelings as respect, understanding, patience, care, attention, physical intimacy and many of those that help this feeling do not fade for many years are added to love.

Love is a mixture of emotional and physical attraction. Love is one of the few feelings that changes over time and receives different sensual facets and possibilities. It is so unknown and inexplicable that sometimes it is even contradictory, because even such a feeling as hatred very often gives rise to love and vice versa. To love a person means to love everything in him, no matter what, and in spite of everything, continuing to live in his own “bubble”.

What does it mean to love?

To love is to know the loved one

I know many aspects of the personality of another person: not only the merits, but also the shortcomings, vices and inconsistency of his nature. I am aware of his thoughts and feelings. I know what goes on in his soul. I know what lies behind the social and role mask, and I know what this person really is.

To love means to care for the well-being of the one you love.

My care is dictated by sincere love. She does not put pressure on a loved one, and I do not turn him into my property. On the contrary, my concern is a source of freedom for both of us. If I care about you, I also care about your development as a person. I hope that you will be able to fully realize your full potential. This means that I do not interfere with you doing what you are doing, although at times I experience some discomfort.

To love is to respect the dignity of the person I love

If I love you, I see in you an independent person, independent of me. I respect your moral values, thoughts and feelings. I do not insist that you give up your individuality in order to conform to my ideas about you. I can let you keep your identity, I'll even encourage it. I will not treat you like a thing, and I will not use you to satisfy my needs.

To love means to take responsibility for a loved one.

If I love you, I am sensitive to most of your personal needs. Such responsibility does not mean that I will do for you what you are able to do for yourself. Yame will live your life for you. Responsibility is understanding that my personality and my actions affect you. But in many ways it depends on me whether you are happy or not. A lover is capable of both offending the one he loves and neglecting him. In this sense, for me to love means to take responsibility for how my behavior and my actions will affect you.

Love is the perfection of both: both the lover and the beloved

I love you and this love makes me better. For me, you are an incentive, and I want to fully realize my potential. My love is the same incentive for you. Caring for the other and feeling his care, each of us improves. We share life experiences with each other, which does not diminish the importance of each of us as individuals.

To love means to be devoted to the one you love

Love is devotion to the one you love. Devotion does not mean the complete abandonment of oneself in the name of another or a permanent relationship. But it means an unconditional readiness to be close to a loved one when it is hard for him, when he is tormented by doubts, when he suffers and overcomes difficulties. It is also the willingness to share calm and joyful moments with him.

To love is to be vulnerable

I trusted you and opened up. You can hurt me, reject me, and I can lose you altogether. But, despite the fear of losing you, I must allow you to become a significant person for me - that's what love is. Since you are not perfect, you may well make me suffer. There are no guarantees in love, and no one can promise you that it will last forever. To love means to participate in the life of another person and share with him the experience that he gains. I love you, and therefore I want to spend time with you and share with you the significant parts of your life. But at the same time I want to share important events of my life with you.

To love means to trust the one you love

I love you, and therefore I believe that you will accept my care and my love. I believe that knowingly you will not make me suffer. I believe that for you I am a person who can be loved. I believe that you will not leave me. I believe our love is mutual. If we trust each other, we have nothing to hide from each other, there is no need to wear masks and pretend. We can show each other our true selves.

To love means to trust yourself

A huge role in any relationship is played by trust in a loved one. But just as important is the ability to trust yourself. If you do not dare to rely on yourself, you are unlikely to be able to trust a person who wants to share love with you.

To love is to be able to accept flaws

In relationships based on love, there are moments of emptiness when we are almost ready to give up on everything. There are moments of tension and moments when we feel that it is impossible to break off relations. True love is not cloudless happiness. However, we are also able to survive hard times because we remember our past and can imagine our future if we understand our problems and end them.

Love is freedom

Love is given freely. My love for you does not depend on whether you live up to my expectations or not. A person experiencing true love does not say, "I will love you when you become perfect or when you become the way I want you to be." True love is a gift that is given to you without asking for anything in return. It is not limited by any preconditions.

Love for a person means a need for him

If without you I am nothing, then my love for you cannot be called truly free. If you leave me, I will be sad and lonely, but I can survive. If I cannot survive without you, then I am not free to question our relationship or criticize your actions. Fearing to lose you, I will settle for less than I need, and this will lead to resentment.

To love is to identify with the person you love.

If I love you, I can feel your feelings and see the world through your eyes. This is possible because I see myself in you, and you see yourself in me. This closeness does not mean that we are inseparable. Separation and distance are sometimes very important for the relationship of people who love each other. Distance can not only give a new impetus to relationships, but can also help lovers discover new traits in themselves. Thanks to this, when they meet, they will see each other in a new light. The paradox of love is that two beings, becoming one, remain individuals.

True love is impossible without adequate self-esteem

To love is to be free from the illusion of complete control.

The more vigorously I strive for complete control, the worse I succeed. Love involves giving up trying to control everything and everyone. It involves being open to the events that are happening around us. Such openness means that a person is able to be surprised. The more unexpected in love, the longer it lives. Predictability kills love. Surprise and amazement are the essence of love. To turn love into a prisoner of everyday life means to deprive it of passion and lose it forever.

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